Why did you do it????

[wannabdone]

For those of you who have had A's and have worked through these and the grieving process.... what do you think looking back were the reasons that got you involved?

 

A poster had put an article up on an earlier thread talking about the stage of a relationship, that is a main contributing factor to why people have A's. I think it was a great article, and one that probably many people fall under. But knowing that each of us are different, the reasons why we do things, the way we process, etc. etc, don't always fall under one catagory. I thought it might be good for some people who are going through the grieving process of an A to read some of the reasons behind why some of us feel like we got to that place.

 

Knowing that not everything fits everybody, hopefully we can share enough differences that multiple people can take a look at themselves and try to process the what or whys.

 

I am a huge fan of helping others through what we have been through. None of us are perfect, we all do things we shouldn't. I think what counts is how we use what we have done in the past to help others who are going through things now.

 

So, share the reasoning that you have found. Help enlighten some people to look outside of the box. Hopefully they can see some of themselves in your posts and it will help them process and heal.

[TurningTables]

Hey WBD.

 

For me, I denied I was doing anything wrong at first. In my mind, I was thinking he was my best friend, there isnt anything wrong with me attaching myself emotionally to him. I could handle this! (cough cough)

 

Ive been in IC to figure out where Im going and why Ive made the mistakes I did. I havent really talked about my M or my D on here because when I first joined, I didnt think it didnt have to do with one another, but it did. I was alone and afraid. My self esteem was zero because of being in a sexless M for some time. I was out for validation that I was *still* desireable and wanted. In all honesty, my xMM was in the right place/right time. It probably could have been anyone that was close to me at the time.

 

What I needed to do then ( as I do now) is look inside myself for any kind of answers that I need. I deserve to be respected, loved and number 1 in someone's life. I deserve to be happy. Just because one person couldnt give that to me, doesent mean that it cant happen for me. Its a reflection on them, not me. I can only control my actions, thoughts and words.

[frozensprouts]

Hey WBD.

 

For me, I denied I was doing anything wrong at first. In my mind, I was thinking he was my best friend, there isnt anything wrong with me attaching myself emotionally to him. I could handle this! (cough cough)

 

Ive been in IC to figure out where Im going and why Ive made the mistakes I did. I havent really talked about my M or my D on here because when I first joined, I didnt think it didnt have to do with one another, but it did. I was alone and afraid. My self esteem was zero because of being in a sexless M for some time. I was out for validation that I was *still* desireable and wanted. In all honesty, my xMM was in the right place/right time. It probably could have been anyone that was close to me at the time.

 

What I needed to do then ( as I do now) is look inside myself for any kind of answers that I need. I deserve to be respected, loved and number 1 in someone's life. I deserve to be happy. Just because one person couldnt give that to me, doesent mean that it cant happen for me. Its a reflection on them, not me. I can only control my actions, thoughts and words.

 

you sound like a very wise lady:)

[Radagast]

I got involved because I had fallen into a very dark place, with my self-esteem hammered.

[TurningTables]

you sound like a very wise lady:)

 

 

FS,

 

Thank you! Im serious when I say it means alot.

 

TT

[kareena]

Well,frankly and honestly the answer is simple,

 

I was selfish,foolish,and childish. And in my case it's even worse because it wasn't just the A it was more of a double,rather triple betrayal situation. I never shared the details of my A on LS,but maybe now is a good time to do a little more sharing. I had mentioned earlier that I met MM through my,it's a little more complicated than that,xMM is actually xBF's brother-in-law so you can imagine how messy the whole thing was. Looking back at it now I feel very ashamed of myself,I did a horrible thing that I can never take back.I don't think that anything could ever justify or sugar coat it. I was a selfish,heartless B****!

 

Of course,I didn't feel that way when I was still involved with xMM,I convinced myself that we were in love therefore it can't be wrong! I felt like we belonged together and honestly I believed at that point that he belonged with me,I hated my BF rather resented him.I hated my life,I was lost and confused. All of those things caused me to formulate some sort of twisted logic in my head that said it was O.K!!

 

Bottom line is,no matter how much we have in common and no matter how much I love him the fact remains that I did an awful thing because I was selfish.

[Gentlegirl2]

To put it simply... my life fell to pieces through no fault of my own. After years of being my husband's carer, with little support from anybody, my whole world as I knew it ended. MY husband died and our life of almost 35years together was no more.

 

Vulnerability and loneliness , simply being in a state of shock and grief. half my life time seemed to be wiped out.

 

All this contributed to what I did.

 

GG

[standtall]

I was having a 3 yr on/off again affair with a MW when I was 23 and she was 28. For me, she was a booty call.... it was all about the sex...end of story.

Edited March 24, 2012 by standtall

[beenburned]

GG,

 

Just this years 3 of my neighbors have all lost their H's to sudden deaths.

 

They were all on their 50's, and had been married most of their lives to the same spouse.

 

I can't imagine the loss/emptiness of their lives now. I am in a very long term marriage, and I dread even thinking about what's to come.

 

Hugs to you GG!!

[Gentlegirl2]

GG,

 

Just this years 3 of my neighbors have all lost their H's to sudden deaths.

 

They were all on their 50's, and had been married most of their lives to the same spouse.

 

I can't imagine the loss/emptiness of their lives now. I am in a very long term marriage, and I dread even thinking about what's to come.

 

Hugs to you GG!!

 

There's no better thing to do.

 

I had 7 years of being my husband's sole carer while the cruel Alzheimer's disease attacked his mind and body. Then he was no more and the void in my life seemed insurmountable.

 

We don't know what the future holds. Mine is a lot different to what I could have imagined. However, just making the most of whatever we have is so important.

 

YOu are so very fortunate to have your marriage when so many are falling apart.

 

I wish you many happy years ...

 

GG

[woinlove]

GG,

 

Just this years 3 of my neighbors have all lost their H's to sudden deaths.

 

They were all on their 50's, and had been married most of their lives to the same spouse.

 

I can't imagine the loss/emptiness of their lives now. I am in a very long term marriage, and I dread even thinking about what's to come.

 

Hugs to you GG!!

 

Joan Didion wrote so starkly about this in the Year of Magical Thinking:

 

“Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. We anticipate (we know) that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediately follow such an imagined death. We misconstrue the nature of even those few days or weeks. We might expect if the death is sudden to feel shock. We do not expect the shock to be obliterative, dislocating to both body and mind. We might expect that we will be prostrate, inconsolable, crazy with loss. We do not expect to be literally crazy, cool customers who believe that their husband is about to return and need his shoes. In the version of grief we imagine, the model will be "healing." A certain forward movement will prevail. The worst days will be the earliest days. We imagine that the moment to most severely test us will be the funeral, after which this hypothetical healing will take place. When we anticipate the funeral we wonder about failing to "get through it," rise to the occasion, exhibit the "strength" that invariably gets mentioned as the correct response to death. We anticipate needing to steel ourselves the for the moment: will I be able to greet people, will I be able to leave the scene, will I be able even to get dressed that day? We have no way of knowing that this will not be the issue. We have no way of knowing that the funeral itself will be anodyne, a kind of narcotic regression in which we are wrapped in the care of others and the gravity and meaning of the occasion. Nor can we know ahead of the fact (and here lies the heart of the difference between grief was we imagine it and grief as it is) the unending absence that follows, the void, the very opposite of meaning, the relentless succession of moments during which we will confront the experience of meaninglessness itself.”

 

So far, I've been hesitant to read her next book, Blue Nights, about the death of her daughter just 20 months after the death of her husband, as I know how honestly she writes.

 

Didion has also written about self-respect and how it springs from taking responsibility for one's life, how with it one potentially has almost everything. Dealing with the issues of self-respect that one typically has to deal with when one chooses to be involved in a deceptive affair, on top of the grief that Didion so effectively writes about, must be a very long road indeed.

Edited March 27, 2012 by woinlove

[Gentlegirl2]

Later the stark reality settles into the heart. It's forever and forever is a long time looking for somebody's beloved face.

 

WIL..thank you for the passage you quoted about grief. It has touched something inside me and I have tears streaming down my face.

 

 

Don't think I am ready to read that particular work just yet.

 

 

GG

[beenburned]

GG,

 

I remember clearly the first time my mother came to visit us, not long after dad had passed away.

 

The first thing she did after arriving, was to go pick up my phone and start dialing it. She then stopped, and looked at the phone and said " I was calling dad to let him know I arrived safely".

 

I also remember after my grandmother passed away, many times I would pick up the phone and start dialing her number to tell her the latest news. I would then pause because it would hit me I could no longer talk to her.

 

Death affects many of our daily habits without our loved ones around.

[NoIDidn't]

Joan Didion wrote so starkly about this in the Year of Magical Thinking:

 

“Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. We anticipate (we know) that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediately follow such an imagined death. We misconstrue the nature of even those few days or weeks. We might expect if the death is sudden to feel shock. We do not expect the shock to be obliterative, dislocating to both body and mind. We might expect that we will be prostrate, inconsolable, crazy with loss. We do not expect to be literally crazy, cool customers who believe that their husband is about to return and need his shoes. In the version of grief we imagine, the model will be "healing." A certain forward movement will prevail. The worst days will be the earliest days. We imagine that the moment to most severely test us will be the funeral, after which this hypothetical healing will take place. When we anticipate the funeral we wonder about failing to "get through it," rise to the occasion, exhibit the "strength" that invariably gets mentioned as the correct response to death. We anticipate needing to steel ourselves the for the moment: will I be able to greet people, will I be able to leave the scene, will I be able even to get dressed that day? We have no way of knowing that this will not be the issue. We have no way of knowing that the funeral itself will be anodyne, a kind of narcotic regression in which we are wrapped in the care of others and the gravity and meaning of the occasion. Nor can we know ahead of the fact (and here lies the heart of the difference between grief was we imagine it and grief as it is) the unending absence that follows, the void, the very opposite of meaning, the relentless succession of moments during which we will confront the experience of meaninglessness itself.”

 

So far, I've been hesitant to read her next book, Blue Nights, about the death of her daughter just 20 months after the death of her husband, as I know how honestly she writes.

 

Didion has also written about self-respect and how it springs from taking responsibility for one's life, how with it one potentially has almost everything. Dealing with the issues of self-respect that one typically has to deal with when one chooses to be involved in a deceptive affair, on top of the grief that Didion so effectively writes about, must be a very long road indeed.

 

I'm glad you posted about self-respect a little. I think the reason many of us look for someone to love us is because we have not learned to love ourselves.

 

"The One" that can love us is US. We are that one. Everyone else responds to our self-love, our self-respect. The one person that can give us happiness is "we ourselves", no one else.

 

After the A, many learn this. And many continue searching for someone else to do it for us.

[KeepMeInMind]

And some do love themselves and have A's. Not everyone who has an A or is involved with a MM/MW has low self esteem, is needing attention, etc.

[MissBee]

And some do love themselves and have A's. Not everyone who has an A or is involved with a MM/MW has low self esteem, is needing attention, etc.

 

I think a lot of people who don't love themselves or have low self esteem etc. do not often realize it. That's the part that makes it difficult....is that not everyone who is in such a place realizes it as such. When I was in the A, I did not believe that about myself.

 

I had a life, I had lots of things going for me etc....people make it seem like when you have issues you are some sad, sullen, mousy woman in a corner...not true. You can be outgoing, outspoken and seem fabulous and still act from a less than wonderful place that you don't come to be aware of until much later. Low self esteem or lack of self love does not always look obvious...even gorgeous celebrity women who seem to have it all, family and friends who know them outside of the limelight reveal their insecurities or their penchant for bad men. No one is exempt from this. Brokenness comes in many forms and many people experience it on some degree or other and it is not anything to be ashamed of or deny...but simply what is sometimes based on our circumstances, and something to work and grow from.

 

It wasn't until later that I began to realize the true nature of my involvement. Not to call you out KeepMeinMind....but you were in an abusive marriage then had an A. Chances are you have lots of things that play into your choice. No one in abusive relationship is untouched by this. Sorry. It's not just some random thing that happens to you...to be in an abusive relationship for 12 years affects you deeply and affects a lot of your other choices. I do not and have never seen any evidence to the contrary and most women who come on LS when they explain their life and story you can often point out some factors in their life: their abusive marriage for example, as one element that is not okay and an element that can lead them to choose other less than stellar relationships. I'm not picking on you...just pointing out the truth, that it is not very reliable for a woman who has been in a longterm abusive relationship then concurrent A to be the one to prove that yes you can love yourself and not have low self esteem and be in an A, as her situation does not disprove the theory but proves it perfectly.

Edited March 29, 2012 by MissBee

[NoIDidn't]

And some do love themselves and have A's. Not everyone who has an A or is involved with a MM/MW has low self esteem, is needing attention, etc.

 

That wasn't my point. Besides, you mention self-esteem where I said self-respect. There is a BIG difference between self-esteem and self-respect. Self-respect is a proper sense of our on dignity and integrity. Self-esteem is holding one's self in high regard.

 

I am in no way trying to be preachy or self-righteous as I am still learning to see this difference as well. Given the above definitions, though, it seems to show why someone with high self-esteem will still find themselves in an affair. People with high self-respect also respect the value of others, so what I am saying is true of both people in the affair, not just one.

[KeepMeInMind]

That wasn't my point. Besides, you mention self-esteem where I said self-respect. There is a BIG difference between self-esteem and self-respect. Self-respect is a proper sense of our on dignity and integrity. Self-esteem is holding one's self in high regard.

 

I am in no way trying to be preachy or self-righteous as I am still learning to see this difference as well. Given the above definitions, though, it seems to show why someone with high self-esteem will still find themselves in an affair. People with high self-respect also respect the value of others, so what I am saying is true of both people in the affair, not just one.

 

 

My wording had nothing to do with your wording. They were my own words completely.

[KeepMeInMind]

Sorry, MissBee. Going to have to agree to disagree. I know me. You don't. I was just chiming in since the overwhelming feedback points at self worth issues, and that is not always the case. I didn't even speak of myself at all.

[MissBee]

Sorry, MissBee. Going to have to agree to disagree. I know me. You don't. I was just chiming in since the overwhelming feedback points at self worth issues, and that is not always the case. I didn't even speak of myself at all.

 

Well you are welcome to disagree....but no one needs to know someone personally to realize that tolerating abuse for years and then concurrently having an affair points to something unhealthy. However, it is always a convenient tactic to say someone doesn't know you in order to discredit what they're saying. I was using you as an example, but it's not you, it's ANY woman in your position and similar.

 

You don't have to agree with me KeepMeInMind...but some objective facts exist in the world that whether or not you agree doesn't change it. Lots of alcoholics will swear up and down they are not...doesn't change what's actually going on....

 

I see what I see and am good at seeing it and we'll have to agree to disagree on it as I firmly believe what I do.

[NoIDidn't]

My wording had nothing to do with your wording. They were my own words completely.

 

This is not a matter of wording. Self-esteem and self-respect are not interchangeable.

[KeepMeInMind]

This is not a matter of wording. Self-esteem and self-respect are not interchangeable.

 

 

You are the only one implying so with these replies. Like I said. The words in MY post had nothing to do with the words YOU used. I was making a completely separate statement.

 

If I were using a desk, I would bang my head on it.

[Spark1111]

You are the only one implying so with these replies. Like I said. The words in MY post had nothing to do with the words YOU used. I was making a completely separate statement.

 

If I were using a desk, I would bang my head on it.

 

You know what I worry about with someone like you?

 

You cannot know what a healthy and loving relationship even looks like.

 

Years of abuse have left you questioning yourself, your actions and your feelings.

 

So along comes someone who makes you feel good and wants to save you from your plight and now you are in love with this kind KISA.

 

Sorry, but chances are if he "wins" you away from the ogre you live with, he will, in time, be another type of abuser.

 

Get away. Heal YOURSELF, first, before you jump from one frying pan into another fire.

 

IMHO.

[KeepMeInMind]

I have left. I am alone. I left and never looked back, trust me. I have had zero feelings for H in a few years. He didn't care much for me, either. Hell we cracked jokes at the courthouse. The lady at the counter thought we were kidding when we asked what we needed to do to file for divorce. Apparently most people want to kill each other. We both just wanted to get it over with and move on.

[Spark1111]

And some do love themselves and have A's. Not everyone who has an A or is involved with a MM/MW has low self esteem, is needing attention, etc.

 

Three out of a hundred. It's the rare exit affair and its characteristics include: Leaving the marital home and filing for divorce within six months of meeting the AP. Introducing her to family and friends, bringing them to family gatherings, including them in their children's lives. NO SECRETS!

 

Dealing openly and honestly with the stbxspouse. NO SECRETS!

 

Characterized by honesty, integrity, authenticiy. Meets conflict head on, makes goals and meets them to end one marriage and embark on another. Open support of family and friends. The old marriage was toast for so long, everyone is happy for the choice made to divorce and supports the new partner as a better match.

 

The other 97%? Yeah, self-esteem and self-worth issues.