Why did you do it????

[NoIDidn't]

You are the only one implying so with these replies. Like I said. The words in MY post had nothing to do with the words YOU used. I was making a completely separate statement.

 

If I were using a desk, I would bang my head on it.

 

KeepMeInMind, this is my last reply to you about this, but I'm not "implying" anything. I'm stating so clearly and directly.

 

You are attempting to change the validity of what I stated, by stating something else. But they are not interchangeable.

 

If your post was so totally separate from mine as you claim, you would not have felt the need to negate my post by saying what you felt was the opposite.

 

Problem is, self-esteem is not self-respect. They do both start with the "self", though.

[KeepMeInMind]

I never stated otherwise.

[Hiddenite]

Just for some clarification, are you asking why people get involved with MM and Mw?

[Barrsitter]

GG....I never knew your situation. Thank you for sharing and may God grant you peace and comfort. You've been through the ringer and no one can fault you for looking for love. Fight Club wrote a beautiful note to me on my recent thread "6 months with NC: some observations". You will find it helpful, I think.

 

Spark...I agree with you that some people get involved with M'd people not because they have low self-esteem. There are many reasons including karmic reasons. I believe that everything that happens to us is karmically (not a word) or divinely ordained.

[Radagast]

Three out of a hundred. It's the rare exit affair and its characteristics include: Leaving the marital home and filing for divorce within six months of meeting the AP. Introducing her to family and friends, bringing them to family gatherings, including them in their children's lives. NO SECRETS!

 

Dealing openly and honestly with the stbxspouse. NO SECRETS!

 

Characterized by honesty, integrity, authenticiy. Meets conflict head on, makes goals and meets them to end one marriage and embark on another. Open support of family and friends. The old marriage was toast for so long, everyone is happy for the choice made to divorce and supports the new partner as a better match.

 

The other 97%? Yeah, self-esteem and self-worth issues.

 

Interesting. Some of the above applies, but not all.

[wannabdone]

GG,

 

Just this years 3 of my neighbors have all lost their H's to sudden deaths.

 

They were all on their 50's, and had been married most of their lives to the same spouse.

 

I can't imagine the loss/emptiness of their lives now. I am in a very long term marriage, and I dread even thinking about what's to come.

 

Hugs to you GG!!

 

 

Again, BB... Your such a wonderful and caring lady. Luv you girl!

[wannabdone]

To put it simply... my life fell to pieces through no fault of my own. After years of being my husband's carer, with little support from anybody, my whole world as I knew it ended. MY husband died and our life of almost 35years together was no more.

 

Vulnerability and loneliness , simply being in a state of shock and grief. half my life time seemed to be wiped out.

 

All this contributed to what I did.

 

GG

 

GG,

I am so sorry for the pain you have gone through. I am keeping you in my prayers.

[wannabdone]

I started this post, because now that I have stepped away and been in IC for a couple of years, I never saw how many things CONTRIBUTED to me being involved in an A. I bold contributed because I own that at the end of the day it was my choice, and it was not a wise one. However, I don't think many of us see the inner workings of how things have and still do effect us. I certainly did not. I never thought of myself as someone who was wanting someone to fix me, I was strong and educated and become a good person outside of my circumstances. Oh, but I never realized how these issues lurked deep inside.

 

I will try to sum this up as short as possible. Growing up, my parents D when I was 5. My F was an abusive sociopath who cheated on my M, over and over again. From the time of my parents D, I only saw my F 3x... YEP HERE COME THE "DADDY ISSUES". But, I was always a logical thinker, even when I was younger. I reasearched the effects of absent fathers and also sociopathic fathers. I knew that majority of girls become promiscuious at an early age, and tend to marry men just like their dads. I was determined to not do this . Growing up, I NEVER had sex, drank or did drugs. (my F was also a cocaine user), I was NOT going to be one of those girls who did what the norm was when you had daddy issues. I also knew that drug/alch abuse were passed down through blood lines, and knowing my F was a drug user, absolutely refused to touch a drug. So, I was okay, I read the statisitics and I beat the odds.

 

Now back up to my M. She was a Conservative Catholic, although having a F that used cocaine, my life growing up did not reflect one as such. My M was well educated, I came from a good and well off family (from both my M and F side). However, my mother suffers from NPD. I was raised to be the constant "scape goat". I was the fixer, and the one who broke my back to make everything okay. Everything was about my M and helping ensure that she was okay emotionally at all times. I had an older brother who was is called "the golden child", which is typical in NPD M's that they have the son as this, and the daughter as the other.

 

I grew up, graduated from HS, went to college, graduated with honors with my B.S., and headed off to Grad School. Met a guy, he was honest, not warm, not caring, but above everything HONEST. Didn't do drugs, he was a hard worker, was a federal agent. He was EVERYTHING opposite my socipathic F, who was charming, acted kind, acted warm, but would lie to your face when his lips were moving.

I M this non dad like man, had a child, and was living the dream. And had NOT been one of those statisitics that comes from the back ground I had. I convinced myself that I was happy. I was alone most of the time. I had finished my MBA, but had decided to stay at home and put my career on hold, since my H traveled so much.

 

Fast forward, years later... The one person in my life who truly loved me, my grandmother passed. She was basically my mother, I was devasted. A few months later, my dearest friend passed from Cancer, again devasted. My son had grown older, and with all of this I had decided I wanted to start my career back. You know, life too short thing.

 

Shortly after BOOM... MM.

 

See, I evidentually did fall for the socipathic like my father. And the person that I was to ever take care of, break my back for and never expect anything in return like my NPD M. I had compartmentalized my entire life and had not dealt with the real issues. I had no idea until now, how all of these effected me.

 

This educated woman, who was smart, and pretty, and funny and HATED CHEATING and really didn't have a low self esteem (so she thought), ended up falling into this.

 

This in no way is NOT discrediting, as I mentioned that I chose this, however I know that there were definite holes that left me open to this. And definite reasons why I felt so connected to him. I realize it wasn't so much about him, it was about the perfect storm that lead me there.

 

If anyone is finding themselves in an A, or about to be in one. I hope they read this, and really take a look at themselves. Hopefully this can help someone.

[9Lives]

FOR ME,

I was stupid

Didnt respect boundaries

Thought it wasnt that bad of a thing

It was all my fault because i could have said no but I jump in cause I like him

 

I dont want to ever do that again. It was a waste of time when I could have met a single man and started my own life. To this day, I think it still has an effect on me. I will not go there again.

 

then even if he left, the family looks at you sideways

You never know if he will do it to you.

 

It is just not good!

[PeineDeCoeur]

I think vulnerability is a key point.

 

In my case, after struggling several years with my stbxh's mental health issues, I had an A. I originally went into it thinking it that eventually my H would be in better shape to try to rebuild our M, but he deteriorated. His self-destructive behaviour, around my children was not something I could live with. Sneaking away to be with MM, someone who was focussed on me, wanted to please me, felt like such a relief from my day to day life made me feel so much better. I feel like I have self-esteem and self-worth, but there is no denying that this was a terrible time in my life and that I made some bad choices. In happier times, I would never have contemplated an A. It would have been unthinkable.

 

H and I are now separated and are getting a D, and are amicable. In some ways, the D is easier for me to cope with, then the end of my A, even though I logically know that MM is not what I need. I want him, but I'm trying to go NC for awhile at least to try to lift the fog I feel I am in regarding him and be able to look at it more rationally. Right now all I want is to talk to him, be with him.

[beenburned]

Thank you so much for these eye opening posts!

 

With these glimpses of your inner thoughts, we(general) are better able to understand the BIG picture of why these things happen to so many people!

[Toots]

For those of you who have had A's and have worked through these and the grieving process.... what do you think looking back were the reasons that got you involved?

 

I thought it would be interesting.

[wannabdone]

I'm soo sorry about your childhood circumstances wannabdone, my heart goes out to you. I also can identify with parts of it. My father was a serial cheater who had one main ow and many other shorter term ow and he also molested me when I was 14 and was abusive to me and my mother. My mother is a very sweet, kind woman but she grew up in a time and an environment in which you did not leave a marriage. I had a lot of resentment toward both of them, even my mother because at a point there comes a time to stop being a doormat. I just knew growing up that I did not want to repeat any one of their mistakes. Sadly......some of the choices I have made haven't been the same ones they made but they haven't always been healthy choices in regards to relationships. When I was in my 20's......like you I put the history in my back pocket and said I was OK. It always comes back around.........and bites. In my case it bit me hard.

 

 

And I am sorry for your past LG. That breaks my heart that you or any young child has to go through it.

 

One thing I have learned is typically (subciously), until we process and heal, we repeat our traumas. Because that is all we know. It might not be in the exact way of the trauma that happened to us, but the tie is there.

 

So so so sad. Why on earth at least parents just can't be good parents. If you can't be a good spouse, okay. D, move on. But always try to be a good parent.

 

((((hugs))))

 

Thank you for sharing that. I know how hard it is.

[Gentlegirl2]

I think vulnerability is a key point.

 

In my case, after struggling several years with my stbxh's mental health issues, I had an A. I originally went into it thinking it that eventually my H would be in better shape to try to rebuild our M, but he deteriorated. His self-destructive behaviour, around my children was not something I could live with. Sneaking away to be with MM, someone who was focussed on me, wanted to please me, felt like such a relief from my day to day life made me feel so much better. I feel like I have self-esteem and self-worth, but there is no denying that this was a terrible time in my life and that I made some bad choices. In happier times, I would never have contemplated an A. It would have been unthinkable.

 

H and I are now separated and are getting a D, and are amicable. In some ways, the D is easier for me to cope with, then the end of my A, even though I logically know that MM is not what I need. I want him, but I'm trying to go NC for awhile at least to try to lift the fog I feel I am in regarding him and be able to look at it more rationally. Right now all I want is to talk to him, be with him.

 

I think I have written all the above at one time or another during the last 15 months.

 

The big difference was that my husband died , no divorce.

 

A few people have written that it is a sign of weakness ... a strong character would never behave in such a fashion, even in times of dire stress and turmoil. In my book, it's a sign of being human. I had never been faced with anything like it before. LIke you, I had never contemplated an A in my life or 30 odd years of marriage before.

 

I looked for comfort and relief from emotional pain. We should always walk in somebody else's shoes before pronouncing judgement, don't you think?

 

I do hope you can leave your past behind one day, including MM.

 

Warm wishes,

 

GG

[LyingHonestly]

I'm not sure how to word this exactly...but I did it because I didn't want to regret not doing it.

 

I was in love with my OM long before I met my SO. He came back into my life randomly (after I'd been with my SO for 4 years)...we started spending time together...and then we started the A. I'd wanted him for years so when the opportunity arose, I couldn't let it pass.

 

I don't regret my A, I just regret losing my OM. I regret begin too selfish and conflicted to make the decisions I needed to make.

 

It's been a little over a year since the A ended, but I'm still very much in love with both my SO and my fOM (even though i've been in NC with my fOM the whole time).

Edited April 9, 2012 by LyingHonestly

[PeineDeCoeur]

I think I have written all the above at one time or another during the last 15 months.

 

The big difference was that my husband died , no divorce.

 

A few people have written that it is a sign of weakness ... a strong character would never behave in such a fashion, even in times of dire stress and turmoil. In my book, it's a sign of being human. I had never been faced with anything like it before. LIke you, I had never contemplated an A in my life or 30 odd years of marriage before.

 

I looked for comfort and relief from emotional pain. We should always walk in somebody else's shoes before pronouncing judgement, don't you think?

 

I do hope you can leave your past behind one day, including MM.

 

Warm wishes,

 

GG

 

GG - thank you for this. My stbxh still lives but since mental illness took hold, he is a different, changed person. I sometimes feel like a widow as I have sole custody of my kids and we live our lives with a minimum of participation from him (I don't mean this unkindly - that is all he is capable of).

 

Yes, in my A I looked for comfort and relief, distraction from emotional pain without realizing that that is what I was doing. Affairs are so polarizing and elicits such strong reactions in people that dealing with the aftermath can feel isolating. I miss him... but I believe that something better lies around the corner and time will take the ache away.

[Got it]

Why? Because I liked who he was, I liked what he said, and how he acted. And to be honest because I thought it would be a fling. Overtime we found ourselves in love.

 

I can't say I regret it, I learned so many amazing lessons while it was an EMR. We have moved through seperation and divorce.

 

It wasn't easy but I can't say I regret it.

[chalkfarm]

I'm not sure how to word this exactly...but I did it because I didn't want to regret not doing it.

 

I was in love with my OM long before I met my SO. He came back into my life randomly (after I'd been with my SO for 4 years)...we started spending time together...and then we started the A. I'd wanted him for years so when the opportunity arose, I couldn't let it pass.

 

I don't regret my A, I just regret losing my OM. I regret begin too selfish and conflicted to make the decisions I needed to make.

 

It's been a little over a year since the A ended, but I'm still very much in love with both my SO and my fOM (even though i've been in NC with my fOM the whole time).

 

Wow. Beautifully honest.