If you work/ed with your MM/MW...

[maysapphires]

I work at a place with many employees, and was recently transferred to a new department. MM is a very nice, but private guy, who keeps to himself. Before I was transferred, we talked casually, on breaks/lunch but nothing serious.

About 6 weeks ago I was moved to his department and things have spun out of control between us, and right now is at the point of an EA. We are physical attracted to each other but choose not to act on it, yet still I can't help but getting so happy when I see him.

It's gotten to a point where a mutual friend of ours, who neither of us has told about the EA, pointed out that we should probably spend less time together at work. Also, a friend of his wife who works with us, apparently mentioned to her that we seem to always be together.

At this point I've done a lot of reading, a lot of researching and a lot of thinking about how we both claim to be feeling. I've set up a date to start NC between us, that we both are aware of, if what he is proposing that will happen does not. But until then, I guess my question is... if your A begun with a co-worker how did you keep it from everyone around you?

[jwi71]

You don't.

 

The fact that you have already been warned by a third party at the office should be all you need to know.

 

AND a friend of his W had also sounded the alarm.

 

You my friend are buying a ticket on the Titanic if you go forward.

 

And you'll go down just like it did.

 

You two have fooled exactly no one.

[whichwayisup]

People aren't stupid, they can pick up on vibes and 'glances', a certain energy around the office.

 

YOU have control here. SO what if you're attracted to him. You don't have to act upon it, ever! He is married and he's your co worker. That SHOULD be enough to make you stop whatever it is you two are doing.

 

His wifes friend works there too. If you choose to go for it, you'll ruin your professional reputation and be office gossip for a very long time.

 

Set boundries and let him know that YOU are not okay with the flirting and crossing lines. An affair will only happen if you say yes. (that is, if he wants one with you.)

[whichwayisup]

You don't.

 

The fact that you have already been warned by a third party at the office should be all you need to know.

 

AND a friend of his W had also sounded the alarm.

 

You my friend are buying a ticket on the Titanic if you go forward.

 

And you'll go down just like it did.

 

You two have fooled exactly no one.

 

I will say and it's unfortunate for you, even though HE is the married one, people will view you differently than him when it comes to an affair because you know he's married, know that people around you know his wife and you should know better. To willingly go after someone else's husband at work.. Just saying IF you choose this, be prepared for the fallout and a ruined reputation.

[whichwayisup]

It's gotten to a point where a mutual friend of ours, who neither of us has told about the EA, pointed out that we should probably spend less time together at work. Also, a friend of his wife who works with us, apparently mentioned to her that we seem to always be together.

At this point I've done a lot of reading, a lot of researching and a lot of thinking about how we both claim to be feeling. I've set up a date to start NC between us, that we both are aware of, if what he is proposing that will happen does not. But until then, I guess my question is... if your A begun with a co-worker how did you keep it from everyone around you?

I re-read this. It STILL sounds like you're tempted, even though YOU KNOW his wife is aware he's spending TOO MUCH time with you.

 

How are you going to react and feel if his wife shows up at work and has a go at you? Tells you to back off of her husband. Not saying that will happen, but it could.

 

Why are you trying to find ways of 'hiding' this when you know it's so wrong? Can't you find a single guy and date him? Why play with fire and go down this path?

[TurningTables]

Hi. Welcome to LS.

 

I can promise you that if two people you work with have already spoken up, that there are 30 more where they came from, they just havent said anything to you or MM. I can almost promise you that theyve all already talked about it behind your backs.

 

Please get out now. Go to NC before you get yourself into too deep and get hurt. Even if it means you have to have lunch in your car to avoid MM. Not only could this hurt you emotionally if you go ahead with this, it could have serious consequences for your job. Read the back stories to some of these fOW/fOM have written. It will help.

 

I wish you well. I hope for your sake you make the right decision.

[Spark1111]

My fWS had anaaffair with a co-worker, and for two very smart people, they were very stupid.

 

Every woman in that workplace had a strong vibe of the inappropriate relationship between them. And, I hate to break it to you, but seducing a MM is like shooting fish in a barrel.

 

They do blame the single woman. It IS unfair, but it is a fact of life that woman judge women much more harshly then men do.

 

Back away from this scenario fast or you will be the office plague; avoided by all women, and excluded from a lot.

 

Also, once you have been gossipped about in this manner at work, do NOT be surprised if other men start circling you like pirhana.

 

Do you want this for yourself?

[TurningTables]

If you cannot manage to get through a work day without thinking below the waist, then you should consider a field where the majority (or all) of the employees are female.

 

You are paid to work, not flirt and fantasize about how you and this creep can deceive his wife. Even if you both were single, this behavior demonstrates lack of control and professionalism.

 

 

Alice,

 

I have tried to be patient and understanding of you and your posts. You have not posted your backstory or informed us all of why you are here. Your posts come off as if you are a BS. I am sorry if this has happen to you. However, posting to members( like the above) do nothing but spread venom and meaness. Most people come here for help. Many OW/OM come here searching for answers. We are all here to share our own experiences so that many can avoid the mistakes that we have made.

 

Maybe you should post what has happen to you either here or in the Marriage section. I am sure that after you get it out, you will feel a little better and get some great advice on where to go/what to do next. You are not doing anyone here any good with the things you are saying and most important of all, youre not doing yourself any good either.

 

I wish you well.

[TurningTables]

I'm not spreading venom, but speaking the truth. It is obvious the OP has a difficult time controlling herself and she should get to the bottom of why that is.

 

They are both getting paid to work, not play and get all "tingly" below the belt at work. They need to stop behaving like they're fifteen and in high school. If that reality is a little too harsh for some ears, I apologize.

 

 

SMH.......I really feel sorry for you.

[frozensprouts]

OP...

 

never having had an affair where I worked, I don't have a any advice on how to keep it hidden. But I have worked in places where a couple of employees were seeing each other ( an affair), and everyone knew about it, and gossiped about it. The more they tried to hide it, the more people talked about it , and their coworkers has zero respect for either one of them.

 

Look at it this way...

I know you feel you have a 'connection' with him,but I would suggest that you could find a "connection" with someone else who is single and who you don't work with. Weigh the pros and cons, and i think you'll see it's just not worth it to start an affair with this guy. Besides, when the affair ends, you'll still be working with him...can you imagine what that will be like...people will gossip about you behind your back, they may likely not respect you ( or him either) and may well not take you seriously, no matter how professional you are at your job.

I imagine you have worked hard to get to where you are...is it really worth losing that just to have an affair with this guy?

why do you need to 'set a date" for no contact? Just decide you're going to stop hanging out with him and do it...don't make it more complicated than it needs to be.

[maysapphires]

Thank you everyone for your input! I'm not going to lie and say this very second I'm going to start NC but I definitely appreciate all the feedback. I expect people to make comments like Alice's and I agree that no matter how this goes down, it will look like it's my fault. He is in the middle of separating from his wife, so he says, and I know the right thing to do is to back off until/if that happens because a healthy relationship doesn't start this way. Now I just need to get my heart on board with that idea.

 

And to address my lack of control of tingly feeling below the belt... I have not been involved sexually in the past 2 years, by choice. It is much easier for me to not act on those feelings then it is the emotional ones I am feeling. So yes, I have lack of control. Yes, I probably have some issues to deal with because I feel the urge to go after a man that is unavailable. Yes, I'm asking for rumors to be spread about me and to risk looking unprofessional. I have no problem being honest about all of that. But please don't assume I just can't wait to rip my pants off during my lunch break, because that is not true.

[TurningTables]

Thank you everyone for your input! I'm not going to lie and say this very second I'm going to start NC but I definitely appreciate all the feedback. I expect people to make comments like Alice's and I agree that no matter how this goes down, it will look like it's my fault. He is in the middle of separating from his wife, so he says, and I know the right thing to do is to back off until/if that happens because a healthy relationship doesn't start this way. Now I just need to get my heart on board with that idea.

 

And to address my lack of control of tingly feeling below the belt... I have not been involved sexually in the past 2 years, by choice. It is much easier for me to not act on those feelings then it is the emotional ones I am feeling. So yes, I have lack of control. Yes, I probably have some issues to deal with because I feel the urge to go after a man that is unavailable. Yes, I'm asking for rumors to be spread about me and to risk looking unprofessional. I have no problem being honest about all of that. But please don't assume I just can't wait to rip my pants off during my lunch break, because that is not true.

 

 

I have bolded an important part that you left out in the beginning. You need to read alot of stories here on LS> they start off exactly like yours! MM is unhappy and leaving his W...Please be patient while he takes this time to deal with her and his children...blah blah blah.. DONT FALL FOR THIS LINE. If MM is really leaving, he will leave.

Actions always speak louder than words. Dont be his exit affair. Say your goodbyes and tell him to talk to you again after he has been divorced for a year or two.

[maysapphires]

He's lying. That often-used line of BS is told so that you'll have sex (and keep having sex) with him. This man is never going to be "free" for you to pursue a legitimate relationship.

 

He definitely could be lying which is why I put, "so he says,". And as I previously posted neither of us are pursuing sex. I do believe we are both missing an emotional connection in our lives right now which is why we are reaching out to each other. Again, I know it's an unhealthy relationship. I suppose I needed/wanted to hear some honest blunt advice and knew I'd get it here. Thanks everyone.

[scatterd]

I would start no contact today.Read all the broken hearts

on LS its sad. If you have a attraction to him see if you can be moved in a different department. This is how affairs begin and you really dont need it.People get hurt

everyday over attractions.If two are watching others are also you need to ignore him in this way and concentrate on your job be the smart one. Wish you the best.

[maysapphires]

I edited my post to add something about asking his wife. If they really are separating (and have mutually agreed to date), then you should be able to verify it with her. But still, even if he legitimately separates and moves out . . . it's not divorced. Not by a long shot.

 

I know for a fact his wife does not want him to leave. She has told him so and has told him she will fight him the whole way through a divorce. Which I know is even more reason for me to walk away now. No need for me to ask her. I guess if the feelings are real, waiting will be worth it and if not, then at least I didn't waste any time and further get involved with their marital issues. We only work together 2 days a week so ending it shouldn't be as difficult.

[whichwayisup]

. He is in the middle of separating from his wife, so he says, and I know the right thing to do is to back off until/if that happens because a healthy relationship doesn't start this way. Now I just need to get my heart on board with that idea.

So he says?

 

So either he is separating (that's not divorcing!) so he can be with you (still an affair unless he and his wife agree to seeing others during their separation, and depending on the reasons for separating - Intent to divorce? Intent to have space and work things out?) OR he is feeding you a line about separating to keep you interested and have an affair with him.

 

If he is separating, wouldn't others know? Especially the wifes friend who works with you.

[whichwayisup]

He definitely could be lying which is why I put, "so he says,". And as I previously posted neither of us are pursuing sex. I do believe we are both missing an emotional connection in our lives right now which is why we are reaching out to each other. Again, I know it's an unhealthy relationship. I suppose I needed/wanted to hear some honest blunt advice and knew I'd get it here. Thanks everyone.

 

So if you know it's unhealthy and aren't sure if him separating is crap or real, WHY ON EARTH would you pursue this/him?? And please, not having needs met and needing an emotional connection is not an excuse to do this.

 

Do they have children?

[whichwayisup]

I know for a fact his wife does not want him to leave. She has told him so and has told him she will fight him the whole way through a divorce. Which I know is even more reason for me to walk away now. No need for me to ask her. I guess if the feelings are real, waiting will be worth it and if not, then at least I didn't waste any time and further get involved with their marital issues. We only work together 2 days a week so ending it shouldn't be as difficult.

 

How do you know 'fact'? Because of what he's said? Or someone else? Until you hear it from HER mouth, nothing is fact. Either way, you should back off and don't get involved. Let HIM sort out his life, his divorce and don't get sucked into their life/drama.

 

Did they want to D before you came into the picture?

[scatterd]

So many times we have heard the same lines here.He

will tell you what you need to hear.If they are getting a divorce he is adding more to the pain.They could have a chance to work it out if another person was not in the picture.Why all the warnings if its OK? Honestly you need to back up wait until his divorce is final.This has red flags

everywhere.Its so easy to get into something thats more

then you can handle.Careful avoid the pain for you and others.

[jwi71]

He definitely could be lying which is why I put, "so he says,". And as I previously posted neither of us are pursuing sex. I do believe we are both missing an emotional connection in our lives right now which is why we are reaching out to each other. Again, I know it's an unhealthy relationship. I suppose I needed/wanted to hear some honest blunt advice and knew I'd get it here. Thanks everyone.

 

You are not in harmony.

What you think, what you feel and what you do are NOT on alignment.

And it leaves you vulnerable to a physical A with him.

 

I'll explain.

 

You welcome us to your story on LS by asking HOW to have an A with a married coworker. Not IF you should. To me, this means the decision has been made TO engage in an A. Yet above, you admit that this is an unhealthy situation.

 

Why are you seeking advice on how to engage in unhealthy activities?

 

See the disconnect? See how it doesn't make sense?

 

It is that very process and existence of "jumbled thoughts and feelings" ( lack of harmony) that makes YOU vulnerable to physical R. You don't see yourself as vulnerable. Now. I am also willing to bet you didn't see yourself as a mistress or OW. Few actively choose that lifestyle.

 

I get you have felt isolated emotionally.

And that isolation, to some degree, allows you to entertain having an EA.

You have also been, if I understand you correctly, been celibate for some

time. Do not underestimate your minds ability, once enjoined in an A, to rationalize having intercourse with him. Especially given a lack of, shall we say, met physical needs with a man.

 

Your friends, LS posters and indeed yourself all know something isn't right.

Yet here you are anyway.

Do NOT believe you can so easily say no when the opportunity arises to sleep with presents itself. Just as you have NOT so easily refused this EA.

 

Get your thoughts (this is wrong) in tune with your feelings (we have a special connection) and actions (how to have an A at the office)

 

Far too many begin just as you.

How do they end up? Just read. Not many happy endings and even those were extraordinarily difficult to achieve.

 

Be careful. I'm not sure you have a firm grasp of your limits here.

[maysapphires]

I guess saying for fact was the wrong statement because no, I do not have scientific proof. I have heard it from several people at work before the EA started, I also have a family member who knows both of them, and yes of course he told me so himself. Because at this point everything anyone says could be a lie or hearsay and the only proof would be action, I am backing away from the situation all together. Sometimes knowing the right thing to do is a lot easier than doing the right thing, but it's definitely not impossible and I can and will walk away. I will continue reading this thread for input as well as others about NC for additional support. Thanks everyone.

[Spark1111]

I know for a fact his wife does not want him to leave. She has told him so and has told him she will fight him the whole way through a divorce. Which I know is even more reason for me to walk away now. No need for me to ask her. I guess if the feelings are real, waiting will be worth it and if not, then at least I didn't waste any time and further get involved with their marital issues. We only work together 2 days a week so ending it shouldn't be as difficult.

 

Hmmmm....my gf was just starting to date a separated man who claimed his wife hated him; that the wife had a bf; that he lived in the basement until he could afford to sell the house and divide his business.

 

I looked her square in the face and said, "If all of that is true then call him at home to confirm your date with him Friday. His wife will not care one whit."

 

She didn't. But a few dates later she felt he was a player and no longer cared to know the truth.

 

He was the third man she had met in recent months claiming to be living in the basement until they could afford the divorce.

 

Must be an epidemic of basement dwellers out there.

[wannabdone]

Well, I have to agree with everyone else here. First off, if he isn't D his wife.... RUN, don't walk. It will never ever work. I'm sorry, and I'm sure that is not what you want to hear, I sure didn't. But it is the cold hard facts. Plain and simple... PEOPLE WHO ARE MARRIED ARE UNAVAILABLE. Whether they have an awful marriage or whatever the circumstances are, they are not available emotionally, physically, or in any way to give you a real relationship.

 

Second, if he is going to D his wife, what is the harm in NC with him until the D is final? If he really loves you and if you two are meant to be, then certainly this love will be there after a D is finalized.

 

If you have heard his wife doesn't want this and plans to fight every single step of the way, then the chances of him actually D her are slim to none. Even if someone wants to leave someone, but their spouse puts up a fight, often they will not do so, as they see it as a battle they don't want to go through or too rough on the kids or them. Unless that woman is completely done with him.... he won't D her. Again, I know another thing I am certain you don't want to here. But take it from me, someone who has been there and thought other wise, its not going to happen. And I promise you, the pain and torture that you are about to lay upon yourself is SO not worth it.

 

I tell everyone this.... we are all deserving of a real relationship. This is what Gods plan is for us. Do not accept anything less. Go find yourself a gentlemen who is available and loves you and makes you feel safe and secure and wanted. Because I assure you, an A will only make you feel other wise down the road. At first, maybe not. You might feel wanted and loved, but it will turn into something other. I know there are times that the MM or MW leaves, and is with the OW/OM. So often this is NOT the case. But if its meant...then maybe leaving it alone until he does D is what is needed. Either way you slice it, I think NC is the very best thing for you. I know its the hardest thing you could ever do, but I promise you its the best thing for you.

 

As far as posters who say they things they do. Freedom of speech is alive and well everywhere. I know they have the right to say what they want to say, but will NEVER understand why some are so hell bent on hurting people. Especially when they are coming at people for actions of hurting others. I don't see how they can seek out to intentially hurt or harm someone, but then in the same breath put you down for intentionally hurting or harming others. It makes no sense to me what so ever. But let it go in one ear and out the other. There are some people on here who truly care, and want to help people instead of harming them. I want to help as many women as I possibly can, and hopefully through my experiences, I can.

 

Stand strong! Remember, you are WORTHY!!!! Good luck to you!

[mercy]

... if your A begun with a co-worker how did you keep it from everyone around you?

 

Are you looking for a way in or out?

 

You mean, how to better control those, 'eyes meet eyes' and you just can't help yourself?

 

So many are 'seeing' the electricity caused when you're around each other? I'm sorry but that's a little silly to me. He's a married man looking for a little strange. Just give him a, pfft and be on your way.

 

Between you and me I get the same feeling from the guy on Person of Interest, I swear he sees right into my living room.

[MissBee]

Maysapphires,

 

I wish you luck in avoiding this potential train crash. At least you have admitted on many levels how messed up it is....so I do wish you luck in holding out against your feelings. I think most of have had an experience whether in a relationship, while on a diet, trying to quit some bad habit etc. where we know on an intellectual level one thing, yet that knowledge doesn't translate into speedy action. All of us have had the experience. I do believe though that it is better to be at least somewhat aware and then make the steps to do something, like you've done with deciding on NC, versus those who don't even realize the potential danger in the first place or are deeply in denial. You don't seem to be in that much denial....but I suppose you need a bigger push away from the temptation.

 

 

I think you should start NC sooner rather than later and focus on your work. I think the sooner you start NC, the easier it will be to not get carried away but the more you think about it and wait the more the temptation will push you to throw caution to the wind. So I'd suggest starting ASAP!