How can I get my boyfriend back?

[BlueRaincoat]

My ex-boyfriend and I were together for about three and a half years, and we lived together for over two. We broke up at the beginning of this year b/c I was stupid and cheated on him with someone very close to him. I was a very selfish girlfriend.

 

I've learned a lot from this experience, and now I'd do anything to have this person back. I have a strong feeling that he really does want me back as well, but his pride is keeping him from it. See, his friends new I was cheating on him and they all tried to tell him, but he wouldn't listen. He trusted me so much, but I ruined it.

 

He told me I should see other people, so a couple of months ago I did, but only b/c I was really sad. I let some guy take me out on a date, but I hated it. The guy was very nice, attractive, and all that other good stuff, but I thought about my ex-boyfriend the entire time and how I'd rather be out with him.

 

It's been about five months since we broke up, but he hasn't tried to date anyone else. We talk all the time, and he still takes me out sometimes, but every time I talk about getting back together, he ends up getting mad and yelling at me. I'm so confused. He treats me like he loves me and wants to be with me, but he says he doesn't... right now anyway.

 

I've been reading this site for a few days, and now I'm trying this "no contact" thing. It's been about a day and a half since the last time I called him, and I've decided that I'm not going to talk to him at all unless he tries to call me. I've also been trying to get out and exercise to make me feel better and help me get my mind off of him, but it's not working too well. Does anyone have any more suggestions as to what else I should do?

[Shasta]

Well, I think you took a right turn in your life with the no contact thing. Maybe it is for the best? I really have no idea what you should do about getting your ex back, but you two probably need to leave each other alone for a while. I did exactly what you two are doing with my ex boyfriend. We broke up, didn't talk for a couple of weeks, and then we started hanging back out. We both thought we wanted to get back together, but I decided we shouldn't because I didn't want him to be the guy that is with me because "I'm feeling lonely and he's the guy that's interested".

 

He's kinda sending you mixed signals don't you think? He wants to hang out and take you places, but yet he doesn't want to get back together. I think, if you do decide to hang out with him again, that you need to tell him that he can't just take you out and expect you not to think about getting back together with him. He can't be mad because at you because of your feelings. It would be best if he just left you alone, but seriously, if you do decide to hang out with him let him know that he's sending you mixed signals by wanting to hang out.

[BlueRaincoat]

This really sucks, b/c he is honestly the best friend I have ever had in my entire life.

[BlueRaincoat]

It has been about 3 and a half days now of me staying away, but I just woke up and he has sent me an email telling me about how he worked all weekend and wondering what I had been doing. I did mail him back, but I didn't mention anything about me missing, loving, or needing him, etc...

 

I had a nightmare last night of him telling me he likes another girl. It took me forever to go back to sleep.

 

Does anyone know what a person could do to make bad dreams go away? I seem to be having them almost every night.

[quasimoto]

he's punishing you a bit for cheating on him. i think he likes you & probably stills care for you a great deal, but when you draw near he's saying, "arrgh! get away-you can't have me!" because of it, and his reaction is a an indicator of it.

 

i think he has to decide how to treat you, but you have to inform him with your actions that you have changed, so continue to do the internal work for yourself. you can't let yourself be a subject to your desire for him. the no contact route seems to be the best, as difficult as it is for you to maintain. don't bring it up-if you do have a future together, it will be inevitable. you know the answer about how you feel, now he has to discover his own answers.

[BlueRaincoat]

Originally posted by quasimoto

he's punishing you a bit for cheating on him. i think he likes you & probably stills care for you a great deal, but when you draw near he's saying, "arrgh! get away-you can't have me!" because of it, and his reaction is a an indicator of it.

 

i think he has to decide how to treat you, but you have to inform him with your actions that you have changed, so continue to do the internal work for yourself. you can't let yourself be a subject to your desire for him. the no contact route seems to be the best, as difficult as it is for you to maintain. don't bring it up-if you do have a future together, it will be inevitable. you know the answer about how you feel, now he has to discover his own answers.

 

Ah, thank-you so much for saying that! It's exactly what I've been thinking.

[sexysteff]

Ok, We separated, last week, we have been together for about 5months and he says he loves me hes just not ready for a g.f then he meets this other girl and he thinks shes sweet and stuff but he said no doubt about it im in love with you and only u and when im ready ill be with you

and this girl thinks there dating but he never asked her out, he says hes kinda stuck between a rock in a hard place, and he still loves me he says hes confused what should I do,

 

like hes in wisconsin right now for army for 2 weeks, and we msged each other every day and he calls me, and me how sweet i am wrote in a card how i feel about him, and when he comes back im goin to give it to him, do u think the card will make him think a bit???? since hes stuck between a rock in a hard place??

He wants to be wit me hes just confused, and this girl thinks there dating and he never said that.

 

Help me out Here.

[BlueRaincoat]

Originally posted by sexysteff

Ok, We separated, last week, we have been together for about 5months and he says he loves me hes just not ready for a g.f then he meets this other girl and he thinks shes sweet and stuff but he said no doubt about it im in love with you and only u and when im ready ill be with you

and this girl thinks there dating but he never asked her out, he says hes kinda stuck between a rock in a hard place, and he still loves me he says hes confused what should I do,

 

like hes in wisconsin right now for army for 2 weeks, and we msged each other every day and he calls me, and me how sweet i am wrote in a card how i feel about him, and when he comes back im goin to give it to him, do u think the card will make him think a bit???? since hes stuck between a rock in a hard place??

He wants to be wit me hes just confused, and this girl thinks there dating and he never said that.

 

Help me out Here.

 

Oh god, I don't know what I'm going to do when my ex starts seeing another girl.

 

You need to do the no contact thing also.

[BlueRaincoat]

Well, I cheated on the no contact deal I was doing. I had just started day 5, but I called his cell and let it ring once. Then I hung up so he'd call back. He called back within about 10 seconds. I really want him to take me to this concert type thing this weekend, so I told him about it, but didn't ask him to take me. He said it sounded cool and that he would take me if he had enough money.

 

Then I told him how happy I was that I might not have to go to my class on Thursday. He said that was cool and that we could spend the day together since he is going to be off work that day also.

 

I then asked if he noticed anything different about me. He got all excited and happy sounding and said that he did... our conversations are much more relaxed (translation: You're not annoying me!).

 

I guess I know I should not have called him, but I'm really glad I did.

[BlueRaincoat]

I wrote my ex this email b/c I wanted to be sure of how he feels about me. When he wrote back, he basically said that this is exactly how he feels. If this is true, what should I do now?

 

 

This is what I sent to him...

 

Ok I'm gonna try something here. I'm still not sure of your feelings for me, so I'm gonna pretend I'm you talking to me.

----------

I love you very much, but you hurt me worse than I've ever been hurt before. I don't understand why you did that to me, and I'm not completely over it yet. I treated you like a princess and did everything for you, but you still did this to me. It just doesn't make sense, so now I'm trying to make sense of it all-- my life, everything.

 

I love you and I really do want you back. I know all this has changed you for the better, and you really are perfect for me. On the other hand, I don't want to feel like a sissy, and I know my friends would disown me if I took you back right now.

 

I need to find out who and what is important to me. You cheating on me showed that I must not have been very important to you back then. I need to find out for sure if you have changed from the person you were.

 

I know we will end up together, b/c you really are the one I want to be with. I just need some time alone right now. It's my turn to be the most important person in my life.

[BlueRaincoat]

What should I do?

[kitkat04]

Has anything happened since you sent that email?

 

By the way, that was a beautiful email. It almost made me cry.. (I'm in a library though, so that would be weird.)

 

It seems like you are trying to understand how he feels and that you've learned from your mistake - that's so great. There's hope! Just keep hoping for the best!!!

[BlueRaincoat]

Originally posted by kitkat04

Has anything happened since you sent that email?

 

By the way, that was a beautiful email. It almost made me cry.. (I'm in a library though, so that would be weird.)

 

It seems like you are trying to understand how he feels and that you've learned from your mistake - that's so great. There's hope! Just keep hoping for the best!!!

 

Aww, thanks.

 

Since that one email, I kinda suggested that he take me on a little vacation. I told him that I haven't gotten to go to the beach in a long time, and that I will have 2 weeks off of school in August before fall classes start. He actually told me that he would take me since he has some more vacation days left at work!

 

I just don't understand why he takes me out on dates and stuff, he'll pay for everything, but he won't admit that we are even dating!

 

I really have changed a lot since we broke up, but what are some good ways that I can show him I've really changed for the better? I know I've been very bad to him, but I honestly feel like I now deserve to have him back. I love this guy so much, and I am completely sure that I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

[BlueRaincoat]

I don't understand what's going on. He called me as he was leaving work and talked to me for a few minutes. It seems as if my attitude change from the way I used to treat him and the way I do now is really messing with his mind. I think what really freaks him out though is the fact that he knows my honesty and loving attitude toward him now is completely real... and it is!

 

It's like he feels guilty b/c he knows in his heart that he wants me back. The nicer I am to him, and the less I push, the meaner he is getting, b/c he starts to feel even more guilty and he doesn't know how to handle it. He has even told me that he has started snapping at other people, including his family. I think it's all basically b/c of his own struggle with our relationship, even though we aren't together, and I've stopped bugging him!

 

I know he has all these bottled up emotions, but he refuses to talk to anyone about them. It hurts me to see him struggle with his feelings like this. All I want to do is help him, but he tries to pretend like he doesn't need it from anyone.

 

What should I do, stop talking to him completely, or be here for him in case he needs me?

[BlueRaincoat]

Should I stop talking to him until he gets his crap together, or try and help?

[rebelchic901]

me and my boi friend were together for about 2 years and i broke up with him to go out with someone more popular. a few weeks into dating this new dude i relized i loved my ex. i asked him back out and he told me no cuz he didnt wanna get hurt again. do any of yall have some advice on how i can prove to him i wont ever hurt him again? if so plz help.

[amped]

Originally posted by R

Should I stop talking to him until he gets his crap together, or try and help?

 

get his crap together...i suggest you don't consider his current mind state CRAP ...since you are the one who caused him to go through this CRAP...good luck

[BlueRaincoat]

Originally posted by amped

get his crap together...i suggest you don't consider his current mind state CRAP ...since you are the one who caused him to go through this CRAP...good luck

 

Actually, it's not all about me. He hates his job and has many other things he's dealing with besides me and the problems I caused for him.

[beautiful]

You cheated on him! The ? for you is what?

 

Your ex has every right to not want to be with a cheater. You talk about the no contact rule!???? does it not apply to him? He is the one that should do the no contact rule with you in fact if he is smart he will keep going and not look back.

 

Maybe you truly sorry for cheating and you truly learned your lesson however I have zero tolerance for cheaters. It is selfish and absolutely cruel!

 

I think that you need to get into some serious counseling before you even remotely think about wanting your ex back or I should say if your ex wants you back!

 

There was a reason you cheated! Find out why and get help so that in the future you can have a healthy relationship with someone.

 

Good Luck!

[BlueRaincoat]

Originally posted by beautiful

You cheated on him! The ? for you is what?

 

Your ex has every right to not want to be with a cheater. You talk about the no contact rule!???? does it not apply to him? He is the one that should do the no contact rule with you in fact if he is smart he will keep going and not look back.

 

Maybe you truly sorry for cheating and you truly learned your lesson however I have zero tolerance for cheaters. It is selfish and absolutely cruel!

 

I think that you need to get into some serious counseling before you even remotely think about wanting your ex back or I should say if your ex wants you back!

 

There was a reason you cheated! Find out why and get help so that in the future you can have a healthy relationship with someone.

 

Good Luck!

 

I have already identified most of the problems that caused me to do it, and I will not make those mistakes ever again. I know he wants me back b/c he has told me so. Yes, I do want to go to counseling... with him. I think he and I both know that our problems can be fixed, but it's going to take time.

[reservoirdog1]

I agree with pretty much everything beautiful said.

 

That being said, if you actually want him back and are prepared to give him the respect he deserves as your BF, you are going to have to commit to the most conscientious effort you have ever made in your life.

 

I say all of this as a betrayed husband. TBXW and I are separated and will be divorcing. You are going to have to make your life an open book to him. You must account for your time, where you are, when you will be back, who you are with, and ensure that you are reachable at all times. You must let him have access to your email accounts and to any websites you post on, with your user names and passwords. You must permanently break off all contact with the guy you betrayed him with. You must tell him absolutely everything that happened, or at least as much as he wants to know. You must accept that, for the first while (maybe even a year or more) he will not trust you, or at least nowhere near completely. If he is not comfortable with you seeing male friends one-on-one without him there too, you must stop doing so.

 

This may sound like a lot. But you have done the most emotionally hurtful thing one human being can do to another. Trust, as they say, takes years to build and seconds to destroy. Most people I've heard of who have experienced both infidelity and the death of a loved one say that the pain from infidelity is by far the worse of the two.

 

There can be no half measures. The things you must do will seem like intrusions into your life. But you must accept them, and do so without complaint, question or hesitation. Any resistance by you will, in his eyes, throw your degree of commitment to honesty and faithfulness into doubt. And if you are interested in saving the relationship, doubt as to your honesty and faithfulness is something you mustn't cause him to have right now. You must move heaven and earth to remove such doubts from his mind.

 

You must be absolutely honest with him from now on. The problems that led you to betray him must be addressed to ensure that they're dealt with.

 

Don't even bother trying to get him back unless you're willing to do all of the above. A half-assed effort will ultimately fail.

 

You now know what you have to do. So get going... and good luck.

[BlueRaincoat]

Originally posted by reservoirdog1

I agree with pretty much everything beautiful said.

 

That being said, if you actually want him back and are prepared to give him the respect he deserves as your BF, you are going to have to commit to the most conscientious effort you have ever made in your life.

 

I say all of this as a betrayed husband. TBXW and I are separated and will be divorcing. You are going to have to make your life an open book to him. You must account for your time, where you are, when you will be back, who you are with, and ensure that you are reachable at all times. You must let him have access to your email accounts and to any websites you post on, with your user names and passwords. You must permanently break off all contact with the guy you betrayed him with. You must tell him absolutely everything that happened, or at least as much as he wants to know. You must accept that, for the first while (maybe even a year or more) he will not trust you, or at least nowhere near completely. If he is not comfortable with you seeing male friends one-on-one without him there too, you must stop doing so.

 

This may sound like a lot. But you have done the most emotionally hurtful thing one human being can do to another. Trust, as they say, takes years to build and seconds to destroy. Most people I've heard of who have experienced both infidelity and the death of a loved one say that the pain from infidelity is by far the worse of the two.

 

There can be no half measures. The things you must do will seem like intrusions into your life. But you must accept them, and do so without complaint, question or hesitation. Any resistance by you will, in his eyes, throw your degree of commitment to honesty and faithfulness into doubt. And if you are interested in saving the relationship, doubt as to your honesty and faithfulness is something you mustn't cause him to have right now. You must move heaven and earth to remove such doubts from his mind.

 

You must be absolutely honest with him from now on. The problems that led you to betray him must be addressed to ensure that they're dealt with.

 

Don't even bother trying to get him back unless you're willing to do all of the above. A half-assed effort will ultimately fail.

 

You now know what you have to do. So get going... and good luck.

 

Yes, I know I must do all of this. No more secrets... ever.

 

This may sound terrible, but I know that for the first time, this person can trust that I will never hurt him again, no matter what. The weird thing is that I never really trusted him 100%, even when I had no reason to feel that way. I think one of the main reasons I was always afraid of him being the one to cheat on me is b/c I was the one who actually could not be trusted. I think this caused me to always question his actions.

 

Now that I've changed and am finally trustworthy, I have also started to develop a huge amount of trust for him also! Does that make any sense?

[Dumbgirl]

I need some advice...my bf and I were together for 2 years. He broke up with me about 2 weeks ago and said that he knows that he wants to be with me, but that I need to change. I was a really insensitive, selfish, inconsiderate girlfriend. I see that now. I never cheated on him, but I took him and everything he did for me for granted and thought he would never leave me. I think I made him feel really insecure and hurt, and he has been hurt badly before. I feel awful. I know that part of the reason I acted like such a jerk was because I was resentful about some of the ways he had acted during the realtionship and because I got comfortable with him.

 

 

I had been calling him last week since the break up and he seemed to be getting more and more annoyed with me. He went away this past weekend and we did not speak. He called me when he got back and we decided to have a face to face chat during which he said that he needs to be on his own right now to figure out his life and that he cannot give me 100% at this time so it would not be fair if he got back together with me. He also said that he will always love me but that he thinks fell out of love with me. He reassured me that it is not because of any other girl and that he feels he cannot be with anyone at this time anyways. He has asked that we do not speak for awhile and that when he is ready, he will contact me. When I asked about the possibility of trying again in the future because I realized my mistakes and want to show him that I can be the wonderful, caring girlfriend that he deserves, he said he could not answer that right now. He said that he didn't want to give me false hopes and say yes for sure, but that he also did not want to close the door on the possibility of being with such an amazing person either. Then he hugged me and we both cried in each other's arms.

 

 

What do I do? Do I leave him alone like he has asked me to? Do I send him an e-mail letting him know how much I love him and how sorry I am? I really want a second chance to prove my love for him and make things right. I want to give him 100% - not the 75% I was putting in before but I don;t knwo if I'll ever get the chance to make him see that.

 

Thanks -DG

[BlueRaincoat]

Wow, it's been such a long time since my first post.

 

Well, me and my ex-boyfriend started dating again sometime back in August but were both free to see other people (my stupid idea). I thought I would be fine with this, but now I've decided that I'm not. I'm also confused as to why he is not dating anyone else, and hasn't even tried to since we broke up.

 

The last time he called me on the phone 12 days ago, I told him that I just can't take it anymore and that I have to be done with it. It hurts too much.

 

He sent me an email a few days ago saying that he has done a lot of good thinking and that he wanted to know if I'd go see a movie w/ him, since a few weeks ago we decided we wanted to see this movie together anyway. I told him that I'd really llike to, but that we shouldn't.

 

My question is this. He knows exactly how I feel about this whole thing. Why did he ask me to go out with him if he knows I'm trying to get over him? He's a good person, and I know in my heart that he wouldn't be doing this just to mess with me.

[UnicornGirl]

Originally posted by R

Should I stop talking to him until he gets his crap together, or try and help?

 

My advice is to show him you love him. Act caring toward him, see him, but don't pressure him or make him feel like he has to make a decision about it. The loving thing to do is to put aside your short-term need to be sure of whether you'll get to be with him again, and focus on your long-term goal -- forming a relationship that is based on loving each other 100%.

 

Originally posted by R

I want to give him 100% - not the 75% I was putting in before but I don;t knwo if I'll ever get the chance to make him see that.

 

Show him that you can give 100%. Give him the time and space that he deserves, but make your presence known. Small gifts that bring up memories from the happy times together can help -- for instance, I'm trying to get back together with my ex, and today I when I saw him I brought him a tin of cookies with a funny name that has something to do with a memory of ours. All he did was smile and and say, "Thanks, I love this type of cookie," but I know tonight when he eats one he'll think of me.

 

Call him, see him, do little sweet things for him, but don't put any pressure on him.

 

A big thing you have to realize -- when someone cheats on you, you feel inadequate. You feel unattractive. Yes, you feel lied to and hurt by your lover, but the hardest hurt is the feeling of "not good enough." You obviously think he's good enough, so show him. But don't expect to get anything back from him -- yet.

 

The fact that the e-mail was exactly how he feels is a GREAT sign. You know how he feels, and that should help you know how to act in this situation. Remember that what he feels, and what you feel, from day to day are not final decisions, but normal emotions associated with loss and grief. Ask yourself, before every communication or contact you have with him -- "What would be the loving thing to do?"

 

No contact for short periods of time is good, because it allows him to miss you -- even if he acts like he's been fine and he doesn't care (which is what my ex usually does), trust me, he IS missing you. Guys don't like to talk about problems, usually, and will usually just try to think of something else when the hurt feelings come up. But when he goes to sleep, and wakes up, he is missing you. Trust that. And make sure everything you do is loving. If he tries being with someone else, it is of little consequence if you continue to act loving.

 

And don't say you "deserve" him back now -- people don't deserve each other! Acting as if you deserve better treatment from him will compel you to act haughty and posessive, even if you don't realize you're doing it. The better thing to tell yourself is, I want him to come back to me 100%, nothing less. I have to love him back to loving me 100%, and I have to love him 100%. That is the basis of a good relationship, and you don't want to get back with this person unless you have the true love base.

 

Think of this as an opportunity for your relationship to mature and for each of you to grow.