How can I get my boyfriend back?

[LonelyGrl]

Hello forum,

 

I was browsing online when I came to this forum and it seemed like a good one, so I was wondering if you all could help me too.

 

Friday my boyfriend of one year left me. I said something to him about our love life which I knew would make him a little upset, but I had no idea that it would upset him that much. He said that he still loved me, but couldn't see himself doing anything with me anymore. So he broke up with me and wanted to remain friends, which we have been doing.

 

I didn't mean to hurt him so terribly. I guess I said it too harshly or something. I just want him back. What can I do? How can I convince him to give me a second chance? I just love him so much. I'll never hurt him again. Please someone help!

[littlelaxer]

Dear LonelyGrl,

 

i know exactly how ur feeling. About a month ago my BF did about the same thing. And all u can think of is like "what did i do wrong?" And all u can think of is how can i get them back. Dont worry im going through the same thing!!

 

its horrible but we can get through it. the best thing i can tell u to do is dont call him or text him or anything. let him do that to u. He broke up iwht u so its his job. Also after reading things on here, its the best way for them to miss u. Im not tryin to get ur hopes up becuase i do that to myself enough which isnt the best. But space and time away might be the best thing for him. ANd im telling u it is soooo tough. But after awahile it gets easier and u dont feel the need to call them, u just kinda think "well geez are they gonna call me??" i like to think of it as starting a diet....the first two weeks it is soo tough cause u want to eat all the time, but after two weeks is over u realize u dont need the food.......kinda i suppose

 

i kinda think my bf is wondering whats going on, casue stopped talking to him once we broke up unless he would call me, then later i stoped answering his calls and texts and he got really like upset sorta angry. I mean evendually i would say something but not right away. And i think well if he didnt care it wouldnt bother him right. Im sure ur BF is expecting u to call but dont. Ok just dont cause the last thing he wants is for you to call him and junk. and i dont mean to say this mean at all ok?? im just tryin to help u out. dont worry it will be ok, im here for ya!

[LonelyGrl]

littlelaxer:

 

Thank you so much! It's good to know I'm not all alone in this.

 

I've been seeing the same advice all over the forum (no contact), but I'm not sure it will work (we live next door to each other in an apartment building). I'm willing to give it a try, but what if he thinks I don't love him anymore and just doesn't try to see me for that reason (or something)? Is it better to hang out and be his friend and try to get close to him again (which some ppl have suggested) or like consistantly let him know that I still love him, but not in an annoying way (which others have suggested)? I don't know...I'm so messed up right now!

 

P.S. I'm sorry about your boyfriend. Do you want him back or has not contacting him for a while helped you get over him...? I hope it all works out, anyways.

[littlelaxer]

lonelygrl................

 

That is tough that he lives next to u. but i would suggest that u dont like go knockin on his door everyday!! You know do ur own thing, if u pass him say "hey hows it goin". dont worry im sure he knows how u feel about him. u were with him for a long time he has to know u care for him, if he doesnt he must be weird! haha sike! But yea try no contact for awhile, see what he does. I think its best right now, cause it seems that way for me.

 

My bf said he didnt knwo what he wanted and wasnt ready for along term relationship afer a year of dating! DONT ASK i dnot understnd either. I know there isnt another girl. We were goin through a stressful time, but i guess he couldnt take it. I started no contact and a couple days of not responding he was like "so is this how its gonna be" and i waited a day and said "no, i just needed time" he said "ye ok" i was like eww couldnt even spell out "yeah" so i said well u didnt have to be mean bout it and i havent heard from him since been about a week. But i think it must be bothering him

cause he proabbly wasnt expecting me not to respond and probably for me to be there for every call and respond right away! but i wasnt! hes back home and i think he might be thinking about everything being away from everything here, least i hope

 

If not this no contact has helped me realize im OK by myself. I was before i met him and i still am. I think it will take time but our guys will realize they messed up cause we are GOOD people. And they wont find that anywhere else. But the question is will we be here when they come back????

 

so yea try No contact

 

what do ya think chick??

[LonelyGrl]

littlelaxer...

 

What you've said is so true. I am ok by myself, I know that...I just would rather be with him. Like, sometimes I get really pissed off that he left me and I think about maybe dating someone else (there are a few guys that apparently waited my relationship out...I don't know what to think of that), not right now, but in the future. I look at them and just think...I don't love them, I never will, and I could never kiss them or anything. It's just so hard.

 

I probably will try the no contact thing, but one of our good mutual friends (his roommate) gave me the advice that I should go and talk to him and not leave until we resolve things. I'd rather just resolve things, but I'm not sure that would be the best idea...it might just make things worse. I don't know. I'll have to decide soon.

 

I hope you're ex finally figures out what he wants and if he doesn't...well, you're right, you'll be fine without him someday.

[head/heels]

oopps hey!

 

BOTH OF YOU-

 

dont contact them it will only push them away further .....they know you love them and they know you want a second chance....

 

it is when they know that you are not wanting them that they think? ooo pooh did i lose them? and if they are going to come back this is when they will make their move

 

 

secondly, once they do decide to make their move....they willl try to get your read on things.....i.e. they will see if you are receptive to them and that will give them the courage to ask you back with them....if you are overly happy and giddy about it and say "i missed you so much i couldnt wait for you to want me again" or anything remotely close- they will know they have you and will go about not wanting you again......and again...until they are over you completely or until you are finally big enough to say ***** off....

 

so when the day comes when they do call >>>>>>>> ACT INDIFFERENT and MAKE THEM WORK HARD TO GET YOUR BEAUTIFUL BOOTYS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!TRUST ME I HAVE BEEN READING POST ON HERE FOR THE BETTER PART OF 3 MONTHS (sad day was aug 11 to be exact ).... and this is what always happens when they come back....they always are going through a rough time and this little ego-booster that you will take them back is usually all they need to feel better about themselves and off they go!!!

 

play real hard to get if they ever come back!

 

good luck

[littlelaxer]

head/heels~ i think all u have said is very true and thanks for helpin out. The only thing is, geez how long is it gonna take?? but oh well right?! No contact is best cuase u start to think of all the stuff that must of been going wrong when probably at the same time he is begining to think of all of the good stuff that happened. So while we are getting over it, they are just starting to see the big picture.

 

Lonelygirl~try no contact for awhile. he might just need sometime to cool off. Time apart might be best for u right now. I know what ur saying when u are tryin to date others cause i have tried to meet new people. But its almost like u arent getting anywehre because u are still worried about the ex. And u deff. cant kiss this new person cuase u think "what if they come back, id feel horrible that i kissed someone else" even though u two werent together at the time. So what im doing is just taking it slow. But man these boys need to get themselves straight, thats for sure! I just wish i knew what he was thinking, and im sure ur wishin that too....................

[LonelyGrl]

head/heels

and

littlelaxer:

 

I guess what you all say is true, since I'm sure you've all had more relationships than me probably (he's my second 'official boyfriend'). But I just finally peiced everything together last night from all these clues that he and our friends have given me over the past few days.

 

It wasn't what I said exactly, it was how I said it and what I did afterwards.

 

I was talking about our love life and because of that and how I am, instead of saying what I wanted flat out, I guised it in two things...I asked him a few days before something like "Do I please you?" to bring the subject up and when he asked the question back, I chickened out and lied "Of course you always please me." (Which for the record he always did, I just wanted more on occassion, that was all). The lie really upset him later, even though it was a little white one. Next I guised it on the actual night of the incident in something like "well lately you haven't completely pleased me" instead of being specific on what I wanted. He, naturally, got really upset and I asked him if he wanted me to leave (which sometimes he does, so he can cool off), he said yes and I left. Biggest mistake ever.

 

See, first of all, I could see that I hadn't expressed myself clearly and that he was really hurt. I had the feeling I shouldn't leave, but I thought it would be for the best because that was what he wanted. On second thought, it wasn't what he wanted. He wanted me to stay and comfort him and eventually talk to him about it, but I didn't, I just left him there alone.

 

(I am so sorry baby...I didn't realize that was what I was doing at the time...I thought I was just respecting your wishes...). He always told me the only thing that I could ever do to make him really hurt was to leave him like that...I didn't realize till now that's what I did...and that's why he left me, not necessarily what I said. And that's also why I got so hurt and confused after the breakup...why leave someone for what I said? Now that some of the hurt is gone and I can see clearly again, I know the truth.

 

That's why I'm thinking now that I need to take his roommate's advice and go talk to him and not stop talking to him until we solve this thing. He doesn't know that I now understand what I did wrong and how very much I will never (emphasize NEVER) do that again. I'll always tell him the absolute truth, sensitively and straightforward (I'm always doing something like that and it hurts him...I'm not going to say stupid little vague things like that anymore, but I'll always express whatever to him) and I'll never abandon him like that again.

 

I know he still loves me and misses me. I still love and miss him very much too. I just need to find two things. First, it was words that hurt him, so I must find the words to heal them. They weren't "I'm sorry" or "I love you." I think instead, they will be "the truth." Second, it was actions that hurt him, so I must find the actions to heal him. I think to show him that I'll never abandon him again, I'll have to do something drastic (like sleep outside his door or something [that's what someone suggested anyways]) and maybe buy him some hard core presents that I know he wants (I can think of at least two) and give them to him on our anniversary (Halloween believe it or not ).

 

Maybe after I talk to him and tell him all this, then I'll have to leave him alone a while, let him think and decide if he wants to give me another chance. But still, I'm afraid to abandon him again. I don't ever want to hurt him in that way again. I don't want him feeling alone.

 

I don't know. What do you all think I should do out of all of these things?

[littlelaxer]

I think what u got to do is talk to him. Let him know exactly how ur feeling. Because he might be hurt cause u werent telling him the whole honest truth. Let him know everything then if he doesnt have much to say then leave. Start the whole no contact thing. He might want to talk about it but is waiting for u to start cause he probably thinks the wwwhoolle thing is your fault (but what else is new, right? !?). so talk to him, let him know ur sorry and would like to work it out. Then like i said if he doesnt have much to say, start no contact.

 

THis way he knows where u stand and pretty much the ball is in his court. Like his buddy said just talk to him. He probably has talked to him about it himself so he might know its the best thing to do.

 

That the best i can say for now. Get all ur thoughts in line for what u are gonna say before u go there, this way u dont forget anything.

 

I hope it turns out good for ya !! let me know how things are

[LonelyGrl]

littlelaxer

 

Thanks!

 

I talked to him and all he could say was, "well pretty much all that upset me was what you said." That's it. I decided after that...1. That's an idiotic reason to breakup w/ a person...you can always work something like that out, 2. No contact is definately the rule from now on and if he doesn't come to me, that's it, I don't even love him as a friend anymore b/c how could he do that to someone he supposedly loves (he breaks up w/ me over that, tells me he doesn't love me, tells me he does love me, ect.).

 

Thank you all so much. I see the light now.

[BlueRaincoat]

I have not talked to my ex very much this past month except for the times when he has called me and through a few emails. I guess I'm just trying to get over him. He did, however, ask me to go to a concert with him a few days ago. I knew it might be a bad idea, but I went anyway. We had a really good time, and he was more loving and affectionate towards me than he's been since we have broken up.

 

I can tell through his actions and the things he has said that he has been feeling very lonely this past month, and he seems a bit depressed. A couple of weeks ago he emailed me telling me something about how he was doing in his classes, then at the end, he randomly said: "I feel empty."

 

I had asked him why he wanted to take me out (before the concert), but he never did give me a clear answer. When he called me a couple of nights ago (after we went out), I asked him what he was trying to accomplish by taking me out on a date. He said something like: "I'm not sure yet," or "I haven't figured it out."

 

Does anyone know what this means?

[littlelaxer]

lonelygrl,

im glad u talked to him, even though he wasnt very nice or smart about it. The best i can say to do is NC. i know just what u are saying that you dont love him as a best friend anymore or friend at all beucase of how they carried this whole thing out. Its like how can they say they love u so much and all this one day and the next say they still love u but dont know what thye want or in ur case is upset about something u tried to clear up! it makes u so mad cuase u cared about this person soooo mcuh and they go and throw it alllll away!

~so now i guess we are in this together!! dont worry we will get our answers someday

 

BlueRaincoat,

It seems like he needs to make up his mind and stop being like this to u unless he knows what he wants (which should be YOU!) but anyways try no contact. If he really has feelings for u and is really thinkin of wantin u back he will try his best to get in contact with u. Also not talking to him will make his snap to a decion cause its almost like ur saying well im not waitng for u so go take ur time and make up ur mind, but im not sittin around waiting for you!! So thats what i get from ur situation. Just dont let him drag ur along on the side. he needs to decide what he wants becuase its not fair to u to keep u wondering......

[LonelyGrl]

littlelaxer:

 

Thank you...we are so in this together. By the way, he came by to see me today and we talked because I gave him back some of his stuff that I still had and he was like "decide if you want to still be friends or not" because he'd heard some things from one of our mutual friends and took me giving him the stuff back as a sign...which it sort of was. It marked the end of me trying to get him back desperately...ect. Anyways he ended up finally spelling out for me why he broke up w/ me.

 

The day he broke up w/ me I wrote him this letter that was intended to explain what I meant by what I said, ect. But in it, I wrote some things that made him even more upset (and I can see this now). So after reading that he was like "I had to either forget the whole thing or break up w/ you..." And here we are. I can see how it all added together and hurt him. I finally understand. But, deep down, I still believe that we could have worked it out some how. He said he may still forgive me someday and that he can't imagine being w/ anyone else for a long time. As for me, I still keep part of my heart open. He wants me as a close friend and so I will be (I need a friend too right now as well). Maybe if we stay friends in time we can forgive each other the pain we've caused. I'll learn to be more careful with my words and he'll see how much he's hurt me and maybe we'll fall in love again. For right now, I can't see myself trusting a man again...I really can't. I don't know. In time.

 

BlueRaincoat: He needs to stop sending you mixed signals...it's not good for you. However, I think it may be a very good sign that he's thinking about getting back with you. Like littlelaxer and I, you'll just have to wait and see.

 

Good Luck to Both of You!