My wifes need to communicate w/ past boyfriends!

[LastThoughtTonight]

As the subject of this topic reads, I am having great difficulty in understanding my wife's actions regarding two of her ex-boyfriends. A little background on us before I get into the specific situations... we've been married about five months now after about nine months of seeing each other romantically. We were, before that, friends for approximately two years. We are both in our late twenties. I now have a wonderful eight-year-old step daughter whom my wife had with a previous (and only) husband. I have no children of my own and was never previously married. We have, overall, a wonderful and loving marriage and I wouldn't change a thing about it (well, maybe one or two things, but compared to most, I'm a pretty damn lucky guy).

 

Here are the situations regarding these two specific ex-boyfriends, who we'll call "Jim" and "Ron". We'll call my wife "Betty".

 

1. Betty and Jim lived together out West for about two years. My wife was forced to move here to the East because of a nasty situation her ex-husband put her in. When Jim was faced with the decision of moving out here with her, he decided instead to leave and move back to the West coast with his family. During Betty and Jim's time together, Betty co-signed on a car loan for Jim - which she admits, now, was a huge mistake. Fast-forward to a couple of weeks ago. Betty receives call from said car financing company saying that Jim hadn't made any payments on the car for six months, and they can't get in touch with him or track him down. Not wanting, obviously, to have anything negative on our credit record, Betty and I discuss our options. We agree that we need to track down Jim and get him to make the payments - if he can't afford to make the payments, we agree that we'll buy out the car, and go pick it up. During this discussion, I suggest that if he refuses to pay, we call a repo shop and have them come pick up the car and hold it just in case Jim gets any crazy ideas (he hasn't made the payments in six months, how can he be trusted not to do something stupid like sell the car and collect the cash after we buy it out?). She gets angry at me and adamantly defends Jim, saying he would never do anything like that, and tells me that he is a good guy and that we can trust him. She insists that he must just be having a hard time financially because his work is "seasonal" (he's a construction worker). We contact Jim, he agrees to make the payments, so the ordeal of going through purchasing and collecting the car is avoided. I find out, a week or so later, that she wrote Jim an e-mail saying something to effect of "everyone around me tries to tell me that you're a bad person and that I shouldn't trust you, but I know that you're a good person and are just trying to make ends meet". I never talked with Jim, nor were any words said to him, which might have made him believe this.

 

Why does my wife insist on defending this man, especially after what he did to her (in terms of not moving here to the East with her - they were talking marriage at that point)? Why does she insist on writing him an e-mail letting him know that she is defending him when it's completely unnecessary, and quite honestly, a somewhat insulting and disrespectful to me? Sounds like the "Helsinki Syndrome" of relationships to me!

 

2. Betty decides that, for reasons unknown to me, she really wants to contact her ex-boyfriend Ron. Ron lives in the same town out west in which Betty was living with Jim. Betty spends hours tracking him down through old friends and old contact information she has for him. Finally, she gets his current e-mail address and writes him an e-mail asking him how things are going. He doesn't respond. She writes him a nasty e-mail asking why he didn't write her back... in this e-mail she says that it "must be because I'm married now". He doesn't respond. Several months go by and she writes him another e-mail asking him how things are going. He responds saying things are going well, congrats on getting married, etc. She responds to him. He, however, doesn't respond back. She then writes him a nasty e-mail, again, asking why he didn't respond. About a week later she gets a mass-mail from him a week or so later saying that his e-mail address has changed, and gives everyone his new one. She immediately writes him another e-mail asking him why he hasn't responded to her.

 

Why does my wife insist so rabidly on communicating with this guy? Why does she get so upset when he doesn't respond to her e-mails? Is there something going on here which I'm simply in the dark about? She has told me that she made him a promise a long time ago that, no matter what, she would be there for his 30th birthday party. She has also mentioned to me that she has every intention of fulfilling this promise - that she has an "overwhelming feeling of commitment" to do so. Does this seem "odd" to anyone else? Am I simply over-reacting?

 

I have never asked my wife not to communicate with any past loves, nor anyone else for that matter. When it comes down to it, she can communicate with whomever she pleases. I don't think she knows that it makes me feel uncomfortable, but I have a feeling that if I told her, it really wouldn't make a difference - she would continue to do so. This perceived lack of respect is what really bothers me. I personally believe that ex's are just that; ex's. I feel no need, nor take any pleasure, in communicating with anyone whom I've previously been in a relationship with. They are ex's for a reason after all, right?

 

Sorry this was so long-winded. Thanks to those taking the time to read this, and even more so to those taking the time to respond. I wanted to run it by the group here, as I've been reading this forum for quite some time now, and am very impressed at the level of knowledge and insight everyone here has to offer.

[Pyrannaste]

Hi,

I think that what she wrote to Jim is quite normal.

I think I'd write the same thing to anyone (friend, ex boyfriend, neighbor) with whom I signed a loan or who borrowed money from me, who disappeared for a while and whom I had to contact for missing money problems, once they informed me they'd make the payment/give me back money/anything.

 

What she wrote could be also read as a reminder of the kind"hey, I wanted to trust you... be worth of my trust and pay that money! "

 

I'd be more worried about this urge of contacting Ron.

I think it is not exactly respectful toward you....and she is risking to sound like a psycho to Ron himself.

 

Has she contacted anyone else from the town she used to live in?

Perhaps she has an urge to get in touch with the past.... to me she sounds more like she is upset that people who were important in her past now don't care to hear from her, than like she has still feelings for this man.

Why does she get so upset when he doesn't respond to her e-mails?

perhaps if he had replied the first time she'd have already forgotten about Ron.

 

Is your wife happy with herself right now? Could she be feeling like 'she's getting older'? Sounds to me like it's not really the exes, sounds more like she has this urge to have a trip in her past.

 

I don't think she knows that it makes me feel uncomfortable, but I have a feeling that if I told her, it really wouldn't make a difference - she would continue to do so.

 

Tell her. Please. Absolutely tell her about your worries and about how you feel.

Please don't assume she would not take your feelings into consideration.

She needs to realize that you are uncomfortable with it.

[LastThoughtTonight]

Hi Pyrannaste,

 

Thanks for your response!

 

What worries me more than the e-mail she sent Jim was the fact that she felt like she needed to defend him, and did so adamently, about this situation. Now, I'm not saying she should have been mean about it and rude to him, but if someone did to me what he had done to her, I surely wouldn't be as trusting and kind-hearted about the situation as she was. Granted, we're two different people who handle situations differently, but it struck me as very odd. She doesn't even defend me as rabidly in certain situations as she defended him in this case. Again, it strikes me as very odd. There seems to be something there I just can't put my finger on.

 

In regards to Ron, who knows. Without talking to her about it, which I will most definitely do (maybe I just needed to hear someone else say that ), I'll never really know. She hasn't really tried to contact anyone else from this town, except a few people we had gotten together with on a recent trip back there. When we were there, BTW, we did attempt to get together with Ron, but couldn't track him down - though we didn't really try too hard. Maybe she is just trying to "get in touch with her past". I'll talk with her about it and post what I find out.

 

Thanks again!

[Pyrannaste]

What worries me more than the e-mail she sent Jim was the fact that she felt like she needed to defend him, and did so adamently, about this situation. Now, I'm not saying she should have been mean about it and rude to him, but if someone did to me what he had done to her, I surely wouldn't be as trusting and kind-hearted about the situation as she was. Granted, we're two different people who handle situations differently, but it struck me as very odd. She doesn't even defend me as rabidly in certain situations as she defended him in this case. Again, it strikes me as very odd. There seems to be something there I just can't put my finger on.

 

Just one more possibility:

she defended him to 'defend herself'.

 

I mean... she might have had a series of thoughts like:

"Jim disappeared...now that i got in contact with him I'm not totally sure he'll make the car payments...when I knew him he was NOT the kind of guy who'd do tricky things, neglect payments and put me in trouble.....my husband does not trust him...I guess I would not trust him in his position either....he knows him not, no wonder he does not trust him.....I did a loan with him so if he does not make the payments I'll be in trouble, my husband will be upset at me and think I am an idiot....I wish I had not co-signed the loan....I hope he really pays that money....he *must* pay that money"

 

It is just a possibility, but does any of this make sense to you?

 

She could be defending him 'rabidly' because while defending him (he's a nice guy) she's defending herself too (he'll pay, I wasn't a fool to co-sign the loan, I am not going to make my family pay money because of that loan I co-signed with Jim, I am not stupid/naive). And I don't mean defending herself from you.

I mean more defending herself from her fears of having been fooled and end up looking like a trusting fool.

 

Please post again when you talked with your wife:)

I really hope there will be an reassuring explanation for everything.

[Jacksin]

I can understand the need to contact the guy about the car, but the nasty emails after hers were ignored uncovers an underlying problem, and I think that it seems to be that your wife does not handle rejection or being ignored.

 

I would never have dared to contact another lover/wife while married.

 

People who have to get in touch with their past, amaze me. You are young and in a young marriage and the way for both of you is FORWARD, as you will never get anywhere looking over your shoulder at what happened yesterday!

 

Good Luck

Jack

[LastThoughtTonight]

First, I apologize that it has taken me so long to update this thread! Things have been rather hectic lately, though hectic in a good way at least. I did talk with my wife concerning my feelings about this situation. She explained to me that I had nothing to worry about and proceeded to give me an explination for the situation which was very well thought out and rationalized in her mind... not in mine... but it all seemed to be justified and make sense to her. I can't blame her for me looking at it in a different light, as we're not the same people and don't think 100% alike (what would be the fun of that?). I think I'm just going to let this dog lie until if/when I do actually have something to truly worry about it. I think I might have been reading into it a bit too much, which I have a tendency to do being one of the walking wounded.

 

I do think that Jack's thought of my wife not liking to be ignored or rejected is correct. Thinking about it, she is this way with everyone, not just him. Specifically one of her girlfriends just a couple of weeks ago. Same situation, same reaction.

 

Thanks so much for everyone's responses!

 

Abe