StartingAgain Posted June 12, 2004 Share Posted June 12, 2004 My wife has been gone for six months now. The divorce was final a few weeks later (I live in a no-fault divorce state). These were the worst six months of my life! The first six weeks were spent in a fog. Thank goodness I had a couple of friends who helped me through it. One of them, a woman who lives in another city, and who was going through the same thing, was a godsend. She was a couple of months ahead of me and was like a beacon to follow. Anyway, I survived and I'm doing much better. I've put my anger at my ex away (well most of it) and we have remained friends, albeit a very strained friendship. I've actually started to feel happy again. My life ain't so bad after all! I still have my home, friends and family. One thing won't go away: the lonliness. Though I have adjusted well and no longer walk through my house wondering what to do next, I miss my wife. Not her, herself, but having a wife I can share with. Until it went bad, we were happy together for eight years. I've been married twice. The first marriage was pretty good too (13 years), but my first wife was pathologically attached to her family. When I took a job in another city, she couldn't handle the separation. All she did for two years ( a 30 year old woman!) was cry that she missed her family. Eventually,she couldn't stand it anymore; she left me and went home. So for the last 24 years, I have been married for all but three. I liked being married. Liked it far more than I thought I would. I'd like to remarry. But here's the problem. How the hell do you start over again when you are 47? To be honest, I don't even know where to start. I met my first wife at work and my second on a internet forum for professionals. There are no women my age where I work, and even if there were, I'm in management, so they'd be out of the question. The way I met my second wife was like pennies from heaven; I can't expect that to happen twice. I was never good at the singles scene and now, at my age, I'm a bit too old for it anyway. I've signed up for a couple of internet dating sites, but so far that has just been wierd (a topic for a whole new thread!), with the women doing nothing more than playing a bunch of stupid games. I was a husband for too long and don't know how to be the eligible batchelor anymore. How is this game played when you're middle aged? Does anyone out there have any advice for me? Link to post Share on other sites
Fancy Posted June 13, 2004 Share Posted June 13, 2004 Hi there! Welcome to the forum. You're newly divorced, so at this point are you ready for another relationship? Or are you just wanting to meet some new people? I would strongly advise against meeting anyone at a bar (although I'm sure some here will disagree with that.) I personally don't think it's a great place to be hanging out and sometimes there's quite a few undesirables there. I also don't think the online dating scene is all that great either because there's too many game players and outright liars. Just my opinion........ Do you belong to a gym, a church, or any kind of club? Places like that are great because you'd be meeting someone who already shares an interest with you. This also gives you a good topic of conversation. I know a lot of churches have singles Sunday school classes and do social events together. You could join your local Ruritan club, rescue squad, or something like that. Book stores, grocery stores, parks and malls are also good places. In other words, you have to get yourself out there and make yourself available. Do you have friends who might have a single sister, cousin, coworker or friend? You've gotta network! I hope those suggestions help a bit. Believe me, when it's meant for you to meet someone, it'll happen. Maybe even when you least expect it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author StartingAgain Posted June 13, 2004 Author Share Posted June 13, 2004 Thanks, fancy. Yes, I'm newly divorced, but was separated for several months prior. Actually, my ex emotionally divorced me long before. So I guess I've come to the point where I'm ready to begin the process of having another relationship. I do not want a string of meaningless dates, just so I have some female companionship. I have female friends, even one "with benefits." And sex is *so* easy to get. I agree with you about bars and clubs. I've never liked them for anything other than a place to have a drink and to chat with friends. After reading your post yesterday evening, I was hungry, so I ran up to a bar near me that has an older crowd -- people in their 40s and 50s. While I ate I checked out the crowd. It was pretty pathetic. There were guys who couldn't get laid on a bet and gals who made it quite plain that I should approach them. There was not a woman there I would have wanted for more than an hour. javascript:emoticon('') You're right. I just have to get out there. I can't agree about the gym, though. In every gym I've evver belonged to there have been two types of people. One group is there to - duh! - work out and don't care about anything else. The others are on the make. This latter group tends to be shallow and self-absorbed. They use the gym just like they use the bars and clubs: as meat markets. No thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Fancy Posted June 13, 2004 Share Posted June 13, 2004 I go to an all-ladies gym so I don't have a lot of experience in that sort of thing. I do know of some people who have met their significant others at the gym, so that's why I threw that suggestion out there. What about any of your friends (with benefits)? Are they possible romantic material? Link to post Share on other sites
Author StartingAgain Posted June 13, 2004 Author Share Posted June 13, 2004 My friend with benefits is a great lady. She's in her early 40s, has never been married and never wants to get married. She says she's been on her own for too long and wouldn't be able to adjust. And that's fine. We are both comfortable with the way things are. My other friends are all married or gay. You know, in my city there are singles only gyms. They have bars, coffee shops and restaurants in them. A pretty good idea, but they are like the bars -- meat markets with sweat. Besides, working out is working out for me;. It's to stay in shape; it isn't an "interest." I like your other ideas. Link to post Share on other sites
lovenlearn Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 When you figure this out - please let me know. I vacation and socialize with friends who have all recently found partners. I didn't realize how much I relied on my friends to fill the void until they no longer had a void to fill. In the summer I join a ladies golf league. It gets me out at least one evening a week & I truly love it. In the winter I join a work bowling league (it's true!!) and that is one night a week with other people. I try to organize a golf outing at least once on the weekend with any friends (and their SO) who are available. Those things help me because I'm doing fun things & frequently there's some spin-off activity by the group. I'm considering joining an online service - but I'm not really crazy about finding some photo of myself and writing what amounts to an advertising campaign about my merits. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 When my sis-in-law died (my brother was only 46 or 47 at the time) he dated a lot but nothing serious, then he decided to put an ad in the newspaper personals, and also to answer some ads. He met some interesting people, didn't hold his breath for a "soul mate" and was happily surprised to have met Rose. They have been together around 9 years now I think. They lived about 60 or 70 miles apart and he eventually quit his job and moved in with her and found a new job there. Try the personals. Enjoy the experience of meeting new people. You never know, one of the women you meet in the personals or on-line may provide the introduction to right woman. What about church single's groups? Do you belong to a church? NRA? Country club? Professional associations? Are you active in your community? HOA? Volunteer to work for a politician or political party (I'll be manning the voting booths again this year myself) I know you don't want to date a lot of people, but sometimes thats the only way to meet the right one--you got to weed out those who don't cut the mustard! Link to post Share on other sites
Author StartingAgain Posted June 15, 2004 Author Share Posted June 15, 2004 HR, Thanks for the advice. I'm looking into groups that aren't full of nut cases (like my HOA! lol). I do belong to one professional organization -- +95% men. Church is out, since I'm not a Christian. Guess I just have to dust off my leisure suit and buy some gold chains and a bottle of Bianca! :-D I will survive.... I'm intrigued you your user icon. oh my! lovenlearn, I could tell you about my experience thus far with the online services, but that's best left for a prvate, back channel conversation. It isn't a matter of my never getting out. I do get out some. I don't go out with the single, younger guys from work (in their 30's), since they generally want to go to strip clubs. <eye-roll> Link to post Share on other sites
lovenlearn Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 I want to hear your online dating stories. I have some specific concerns. It won't let me send you an email. Is there a trick? Guidance is appreciated! Link to post Share on other sites
Author StartingAgain Posted June 16, 2004 Author Share Posted June 16, 2004 I read the help on email and it says that if the member you want to mail has enabled mail, you cqan send a message to him. However, I've scoured the options section of my profile page and I cannot find a way to do this. I did turn on private messaging, though. So maybe you can send me a message that way. Then we can exchange email addys if you'd like. Link to post Share on other sites
lovenlearn Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 I have PM enabled, so it must be something with 'active participants'. I'm a newly registered member, maybe I don't have privileges yet. Back to you later when I get a reply. Link to post Share on other sites
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