I didn't think it could get worse...of course it did.

[Breaking_Apart]

I posted a bit ago regarding my seeing a man who is separated from his wife. Yes, he's actually separated, lives completely apart from her, etc. No, he's not pursuing divorce right now: the children, finances, etc, etc.

 

I heard a good many things from you all regarding "is it still an affair if he's separated". Some things I hadn't considered: like maybe he's not honest about why he's separated. Like maybe he'd be back to her in a heartbeat if she let him. Like maybe he's not in the best spot to start anything new--hasn't gotten on / gotten over the first relationship (marriage) and should probably not be pursuing anything with a new woman.

 

I listened. I heard. It gave me pause and something to consider. I didn't see him for several weeks while I thought. We still talked on the phone a bit, texted daily, etc. But we are both pretty busy people so I just didn't make it happen that we got together.

 

Then...I made a discovery that has completely ****ed up my world.

 

He was accused of a pretty big crime.

 

I discovered this by...accident? I was looking up his name online and boy oh boy did I get an eyeful.

 

Oh man.

 

I contacted him, let him know I had found out all about him, and told him to eff off. Because he was a big big liar.

 

Well...he e-mailed me a long and rather painful explanation of why he wasn't guilty of the thing he was accused of. As he said, what I saw was an accusation, not the outcome, not the court record (there is none according to him because it never went that far.)

 

He begged for a chance to explain face to face. I agreed to meet with him--because I was angry, hurt, confused, etc.

 

He explained his side of the story again. And I found myself, unbelievably...believing him....

 

....until I drove away.

 

I think I'm a pretty accurate lie-detector. I can usually tell when someone is lying to me. He projected sincerity...I believed him. I felt like he was telling me the truth and it was a big mistake, this thing he was accused of.

 

Then, the minute I drove away, I began to question, and doubt, again.

 

I think...do we believe liars when they lie to us because we are emotionally invested and WANT to believe?? Did I believe him face to face because I want to believe?

 

I think...maybe he's separated for real because his wife kicked him out because he's a criminal and a horrible person.

 

I begin to think that nothing he has told me is true...he lied about this (lied by omission and concealment), what else is he lying about?

 

I begin to think...he lies...he cheats...he possibly commits crime....

 

I have NO CLUE who this man is!!!!!!!

 

How the hell did he fool me so completely? How?

 

I'm angry...I'm sad...I'm sick...I have no idea if I actually loved him or if I loved some made up person he pretended to be...I'm a bloody mess.

 

I'm in such a stew of emotions right now...I can't even think coherently. Please help. If you can. Somehow....

[sad puppy]

Hello there. Did the time the crime occur coincide with the time he moved out? With regards to the crime, did it sound like something he would do? Was he in the right place when it occurred? Does he have an alibi? It must not be too tragic if he's not in jail.

 

I'm sure your mind is reeling and it does sound confusing and upsetting, but you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and are thinking realistically.

[2sunny]

Of all the men in he world - I wouldn't want to see or speak to him again. As soon as I have to wonder at all - its over!

 

A lie is a lie.

 

I've been in your shoes - I ended it! No looking back.

[2sunny]

I always do a back round check on someone after the first date. I never allow them to know exactly where I live in the beginning. I've had stalkers... No fun.

 

I ask enough questions first meeting to know what to look for when I search them.

[Breaking_Apart]

Hello there. Did the time the crime occur coincide with the time he moved out? With regards to the crime, did it sound like something he would do? Was he in the right place when it occurred? Does he have an alibi? It must not be too tragic if he's not in jail.

 

I'm sure your mind is reeling and it does sound confusing and upsetting, but you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and are thinking realistically.

 

No, he moved out long after the accusation. It sounds completely and totally out of character for the him, as I have gotten to know him. Not like him at all. He said he had it all--alibi, persons to back him up and support his side of things, but the thing never went to court, so it's just a nasty allegation floating around online in old news articles--"man arrested...." etc.

[Breaking_Apart]

I always do a back round check on someone after the first date. I never allow them to know exactly where I live in the beginning. I've had stalkers... No fun.

 

I ask enough questions first meeting to know what to look for when I search them.

 

You do a background check? Like a full check--those cost money, right? Or do you mean you search online and do research?

 

It NEVER occurred to me to do even a simple internet search on him. We got to know each other so casually, so slowly. We talked for many hours on many subjects and I really thought I knew him....think I know him. (Still confused.)

 

We were friends....are friends?? I never ever thought to look him up because--I've been slightly wrong about people before (like telling a co-worker something private THEN discovering she's couldn't keep it to herself) but I've never been WAY wrong about someone. I regularly hire people in my line of work; time and again my initial impressions have been incredibly accurate. I tend to trust my judgment of a person....

 

But this time...I may have been so wrong, it's frightening!

[whichwayisup]

The choice is yours but THINK with your head, not your heart and emotions.

 

You don't know this man as well as you think. Hello, he did NOT tell you about this, you found out on your own. Why didn't he tell you he was accused of a crime by mistake? No, you found out and then he sang the tune of "I'm innocent"..

 

Well...he e-mailed me a long and rather painful explanation of why he wasn't guilty of the thing he was accused of. As he said, what I saw was an accusation, not the outcome, not the court record (there is none according to him because it never went that far.)

 

Emailed you. NOT a conversation about this face to face so you could look into his eyes. Just because it never went that far doesn't mean he's innocent. You are only hearing ONE side of this and who knows if what he's told you is true.

 

I would reconsider everything. His life is a mess in so many ways.. Are you sure he's worth this drama?

 

Hire a PI and find out as much as you can. Tell him you're doing this because you need to know. If he freaks out or accuses you of not taking his word, then so be it and you have your answer. if he has nothing to hide and truly is innocent, then he'll understand your need to dig into this.. Even more so since he is capable of cheating, lying and manipulating..

[whichwayisup]

I regularly hire people in my line of work; time and again my initial impressions have been incredibly accurate. I tend to trust my judgment of a person....

 

Narcissistic and sociopaths are very good at fooling people.

 

Google Russell Williams.

 

Then come back here and tell me that you 'believe' your MM.

[2sunny]

$5o. Gets you a full search including his criminal history and marriage status and any unpaid debt... All with history!

[seren]

Accused of does not mean guilty of, however it must also mean credible enough for him to be a suspect and accused in the first place. So, there may be something in his past that he is not telling you that would bring him to the attention of the police in the first place.

 

We all, at some time, think we know someone that well, if he has left his wife and you are known, why not ask her. If anyone will know it will be her. The seed of doubt is planted and until you get to the bottom of it, resolve it in your own mind and accept it, then you will always have this in your head and may never believe him.

 

This is an aside from his ability to lie when having an A, not all liars are criminals and not all criminals cheaters, if that makes any sense at all. I wonder at the ommission, it might be that he didn't want to risk you sticking around once you found out, in which case that would bother me as we are supposed to be able to tell our loved one's everything, on the other hand it might be because he has got so used to his wife accepting it, that he got used to not talking about it. Either way, it is a pretty big ommission.

 

I would ask his wife, if she knows about you of course, or dig deeper. he is relying on you believing him and trusting in him and is possibly the first step of many in truly getting to know him as he really is and not how he appeared.

 

Good luck, I hope you find out what you need to and are able to make an informed choice as to whether you want to continue, it's all that each of us should have.

[frozensprouts]

Narcissistic and sociopaths are very good at fooling people.

 

Google Russell Williams.

 

Then come back here and tell me that you 'believe' your MM.

 

that man is almost enough to make you question pretty much everyone...

 

(he was an air force colonel in the Canadian Air Force who broke into women's houses and sold their clothes/underwear, and eventually ended up torturing and killing at least two women- if he hadn't been caught, he would have killed more).

 

I met him once at a conference ( he was there as the Wing Commander of Trenton Airbase), and he seemed like a really nice, personable guy. Boy was I wrong about him!

 

Not saying that the guy in your case is like him, but he's already shown you he can't be trusted. Why not do a bit more investigating so you can find out the whole truth and you won't be left wondering whether you were right or wrong about him? You'll be able to put your mind at ease, one way or the other.

[jwi71]

I posted a bit ago regarding my seeing a man who is separated from his wife. Yes, he's actually separated, lives completely apart from her, etc. No, he's not pursuing divorce right now: the children, finances, etc, etc.

 

That's odd.

 

Since they are separated how is children, finances and such an impediment to D? Don't they have separate households to maintain, shared costs of child raising etc right now? Don't they already have a "custody/visitation" schedule in working order since they live apart?

 

What difference would a D make (in those regards)?

 

And pertaining to his arrest, it may not be as nefarious as LS wants to believe. Perhaps their R had not sufficiently progressed to a point where such a disclosure was reasonable.

 

And like 2sunny, I also do a background check online once I think a future is possible. I also provide one on myself as well as my most recent credit report.

 

And no, its never been poorly received the two times I thought I had an R significant enough to do so.

[wannabdone]

B_A... I am so sorry for what you are going through. It must be exhausting and hard. Prayer and hugs to you.

 

But yes, I think when we have emotional investments in people, we want to believe what they are telling us. We want to believe what WE want to believe, which is usually the person that we love or loved is good, and honest and loves us as they say. Then later (in your case as you pulled away), our logical side of our brain kicks in and starts seeing "gaps" in the stories, or maybe things that don't line up with what they had said before. This is often the times that we say to ourselves "why didn't I say this or that to him/her". My advice is listen to that logic. There is a reason why you are questioning his honesty and integrity. And it is because he has broken your trust some how. Trust and communication being the two KEY things to a relationship, and these are the two things he has not given you. You deserve someone who loves you and gives you these two things. From those things these are what makes women feel safe and loved and secure. And EVERY SINGLE person on this earth deserves a love and relationshp like that.

 

As hard as I know it is, you probably need to start grieving this relationship as a loss and see what this man has done to break your trust. Even more so, if he is a narcassist or sociopath, like someone else mentioned, it will be even harder to break away from him. There are some good books regarding this, if you do believe he might be this. Let me know and I will send you a list if you would like.

 

Most importantly, take care of you. And know what you deserve. And do not accept ANYTHING less. God doesn't wish for his children to have anything less than a loving and secure life.

 

Be strong, keep posting. Know if he is a narcassist or sociopath, he will not stop and will do and use anything to win you back. They can not handle someone rejecting them.

 

TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!

[Breaking_Apart]

I've never been so exhausted in my life. I spent yesterday sleeping and crying and in a state of high emotion.... This whole thing--from the separated but not divorced status, to the lies, to the accusation of criminal activity...the idea put forth by some of you that he could be a total sociopath scared me somewhat. I have concluded that in fact, I have NO IDEA who this man is. I see this now.

 

I've never had such a mess of a potential relationship. I did have to ask, as some of you did, "Is it worth it?

 

No.

 

It's not worth it.

 

I'm going to remove myself from this situation altogether; life is difficult enough, love should be the easy part. Or so I always assumed. I'm going to keep on assuming that and look for something....better.

 

Thank you all for your time and your input; some very wise and to the point things were said and I cannot express how much I appreciate it.

[wannabdone]

I've never been so exhausted in my life. I spent yesterday sleeping and crying and in a state of high emotion.... This whole thing--from the separated but not divorced status, to the lies, to the accusation of criminal activity...the idea put forth by some of you that he could be a total sociopath scared me somewhat. I have concluded that in fact, I have NO IDEA who this man is. I see this now.

 

I've never had such a mess of a potential relationship. I did have to ask, as some of you did, "Is it worth it?

 

No.

 

It's not worth it.

 

I'm going to remove myself from this situation altogether; life is difficult enough, love should be the easy part. Or so I always assumed. I'm going to keep on assuming that and look for something....better.

 

Thank you all for your time and your input; some very wise and to the point things were said and I cannot express how much I appreciate it.

 

B_A....

 

I really wish you the best of luck. Just know that its not going to always be so "clear" and "easy" as it seems now. I say easy.... I know its not at all, you are grieving a lot right now. So when I say easy, I mean easy to know what you should do. There will be times that your mind will play tricks on you. I believe this is part of the grieving process that they call bargaining. You will start telling yourself... "maybe he's not that bad", "maybe I am miss reading what is real", etc. etc. This is when you start really feeling the "sting" of NC. You try to bargain and reason with yourself to make it okay for you to break NC. Just TRY to keep thinking logically if and when this happens. I often laugh and say that I am going to end up with multiple personalities, because there are times I have full out arguments with myself..... one side of me misses him (for what reasons.... I still don't know) and the other side is wtf girl, look at who he is. This arguing with myself is what has kept me in NC. He still tries to contact me, if even to just to call from a blocked number and leave no msg. I don't know exactly that it is him, but my gut knows it is. His way of contantsly trying to keep himself associated in my thoughts.

 

You will make it through this. I promise. There will feel like times you won't, but you will. Keep your head up. Brighter days are ahead!!!

[whichwayisup]

I've never been so exhausted in my life. I spent yesterday sleeping and crying and in a state of high emotion.... This whole thing--from the separated but not divorced status, to the lies, to the accusation of criminal activity...the idea put forth by some of you that he could be a total sociopath scared me somewhat. I have concluded that in fact, I have NO IDEA who this man is. I see this now.

 

I've never had such a mess of a potential relationship. I did have to ask, as some of you did, "Is it worth it?

 

No.

 

It's not worth it.

 

I'm going to remove myself from this situation altogether; life is difficult enough, love should be the easy part. Or so I always assumed. I'm going to keep on assuming that and look for something....better.

 

Thank you all for your time and your input; some very wise and to the point things were said and I cannot express how much I appreciate it.

 

His life is such a mess right now and in shambles, filled with drama that you don't need in YOUR life. I'm glad that you've thought about this and realized it's just not worth it.

 

DOn't let him suck you back in or try to manipulate you. Be strong.

[fellhard4u]

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this intense emotional pain. Have you thought about the possibility of your pain not being solely about finding out these things about MM, but rather about how it was possible for you to not "see" the real him?

 

One of the many painful side effects of my A with xMM was a complete loss of self-confidence. How could I have believed all the things he said to me during our A? How did I not recognize that there was something wrong about the discrepancies between his words and his actions? Why did I not see his lying and manipulative ways instead of finding ways to justify them?

 

Becoming involved with people like that does a number on one's self-confidence and one's view of the world. Even after 15 months since the end of the A, I am still picking up the pieces of myself.

I wish you much distance from him so you can put things in perspective and start healing.

[Radagast]

What happened to "innocent until proven guilty"?

[Owl]

What happened to "innocent until proven guilty"?

 

It's a great LEGAL concept, but has no real bearing on emotional relationships.

 

Not even mentioning that this concept is hardly universal. Many, many cultures and legal systems do not hold by this concept at all.

 

And when you're making a decision to "invest" in a person with some kind of accusation against them...there's no "requirement" that you apply this principle whatsoever.

[2sunny]

I'm glad for you - that you decided that the "not knowing" or his omissions aren't worth the pain of wondering...

 

The crying is good! It's good to grieve "what COULD HAVE been" - mainly because it helps to let it go. It's healing...

 

What you are letting go of - is what you THOUGHT he was - as opposed to what he actually is... Especially since he didn't plan to tell you ALL about him.

 

As one guy told me years ago - you don't REALLY know me - you only know what I WANT you to know, what I'VE told you. It was true - and THAT sucked! HE sucked!