ConfusedInMaine Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 (edited) My wife and I met in April of 2010, we knew right off it was love at first sight. She has 3 boys from a previous marriage, and I have a daughter. We had gone to HS together, but didn't ever talk to each other back then, so this was all new. We moved in together in May of 2010. I was still married to a woman I had been with for nearly 12 years who was very controlling, and emotionally and verbally abusive. Her first husband was extremely physically abusive. To back up a step, on our first night together, after we had sex, I lied to her and told her I had to leave to go to a friends. She knew better and begged me not to go back to my wife. And that's what I did. It broke her heart and I just didn't realize what I was doing. Well we talked about it after and decided she could get past it. During the next few months I secretly talked to my now ex-wife, while living with my now current wife. And once went to her apartment to bring her money, staying in the car the whole time. Once my now wife found out, she blew a gasket, rightfully so, and eventually we worked it out. I never had contact with my now ex wife, until the divorce. Fast forward to Christmas night 2010 and I proposed. It was the happiest night, she dragged me around to show first her family, then mine her diamond, and share the news. She went to tell her boys, and of course, I had already asked them if I could marry their mom. So we decided for a June 2011 wedding, and it was amazing. Her mom went over the top, spending an unreal amount of money, and making my brides day unforgettable. We did the usual marriage rituals, as well as a commitment ceremony to the other spouses child/ren. We wanted them to feel involved also. We had our issues with blended families, and there were learning curves along the way, as to be expected. Well about 5 weeks ago, after about 4 months of job changes left us with no days off together, and an obvious strain, she tells me she has been thinking if being single would be best for her and that she has been contemplating divorce. We had a really great talk that night (I called in sick so we could have a night off together). I made a list of all the things I knew I had been slacking on, and things I knew we needed to work on together. We sat together and went over it, she cried and said "you hit everything on the head". At that point we agreed to work on everything and get back to where we were before in our relationship. Fast forward to a week ago. She asked me for some space, and said she needed me to leave. I struggled with this, as we were only married for a little over 9 months. But out of respect, I agreed to give her her space and go. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. Not only to leave her, but our kids and our home. It was a Sunday, and we agreed that we could have contact, although she admitted she had no idea how long this would talk, or what the outcome would be. We talked about how we loved each other, we are each others best friends, and that we are meant for each other, but she just needed this time. Sunday night after work I get to the hotel, and it felt awkward to say the least. We had texted all evening while I was at work, as we always do. Well that night she blew up at me, saying it didn't feel like she had any space at all and nothing was different. She needed a couple days of no contact. The next two days KILLED me. Minutes were like hours, hours like days. I planned on calling her Wednesday morning as planned, and we were going to go over things. Well Tuesday night she messaged me online and started talking. I told her I missed her, and she told me she didn't miss me really at all. I told her I wouldn't miss the jerk that had been living there either. It was my way of acknowledging my issues I had been having as of late. We had a good talk via IM, and I told her I had 6 pages of typed letters and items I had thought about and wanted to talk to her about. So we agreed I'd go to our house Wednesday morning, bring her coffee, and we'd talk. We had, what I thought, was a productive talk. We cried together, laughed together, and shared a lot. Then she shared with me the clincher for her. She felt in her first marriage she gave her ex husband many many chances to change. Change for beating her, change from drinking, change from the drugs. So many chances to change, that as part of her healing from him, she made a promise to herself to never give someone more than one chance. She informed me that any man she had been with after him, but before me, got one chance. That chance was the one you get when you meet someone for the first time. They would burn that, they were gone. She said that with me, she had given multiple chances, and she was not sure she could trust me again. The three from the beginning of the relationship alone. Part of my 6 pages of letters and such, were things I knew I needed to change, and as I told her, locking yourself in a room with nothing but your thoughts makes you see things differently. Her position was no one changes in two days. I agreed with her and told her it doesn't change in two days, but the process begins then, and carries on into the reconciliation. She told me she was not ready for me to move back home. We decided to leave it where it was, to not see each other Thursday, but meet Friday. At that time she will have a list of things she will do, and a list of things she won't do. Also a list of ways I can earn her trust back. Something she had to think of she said, because she had never let anyone do that before. Thursday comes and we text back and forth a bit, in the middle of the day we confirm the fact we will meet Friday evening. Then Thursday night comes, and I get "First of all I dont recall telling you I'd meet tomorrow!" Well after reminding her about it, she agrees to meet. So she is very short Thursday night, not very friendly at all, so I emailed her how I felt about everything. Friday morning I wake up to a nasty email basically saying she not only is not ready for me to come home, but it might be quite some time before she is ready. So back and forth we go in emails and texts. And mid morning she throws out the I'M DONE, I can't do this anymore, I am out of this relationship the trust just isn't there. That she can't live her life always wondering in the back of her head if I am lying. So it has been nearly a week total, and we went from her needing space to think, to her being done with it all. What am I missing? Did I push too hard to fast? Should I back off and give her space? We were supposed to go on a cruise in 3 weeks, and today she cancelled mine and my daughters tickets. We have only been married 9 and a half months, together 2 years almost to the day. Before the last few months our relationship was amazing. We could talk about anything, could tell things to each other we never told anyone else. It felt like no love I have ever felt before, and she said the same. As I said before, she told me, and still does that I am her best friend and she loves me very much. She just can't do the relationship anymore due to the trust issue. While we were talking about the separation, we talked like old times, it felt like the separation might be avoided. But after the Wednesday we met and talked, she shut back down again. Is it something that can be saved? Should I give it time? Oh, one other thing. Her sister, who lives next door, used to get along very well with me. About two weeks ago we had a fall out, and now she won't even acknowledge I exist. I'm pretty sure she is influencing her. What is everyones thoughts? Edited March 24, 2012 by ConfusedInMaine Adding more needed info Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 This is horrendous.... can you convince her to attend a session of counselling? if not - consult a lawyer, and fast..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInMaine Posted March 24, 2012 Author Share Posted March 24, 2012 No. She she says she won't tell a stranger her problems. A lawyer won't do much really. Most things were hers to begin with. I moved in to her house and gave away duplicate things. Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 Your W needs counseling. She's losing it and I suspect it has nothing to do with you. She may have issues resulting from the abusive M she was in. Even if she does say she doesn't want to talk to someone, tell her it's your only hope for a resolution, otherwise it's a D. She can't just ask you to leave and be on standby indefinitely for her to feel like inviting you back. Don't allow that attitude. Also, stop apologizing and acting like everything is your fault. You have admitted your part, now she needs to understand hers. Canceling the cruise means she expects you to still be out of the home 3 weeks from now. How come she was able to do that anyway? Who paid for the cruise? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInMaine Posted March 24, 2012 Author Share Posted March 24, 2012 As far as the cruise goes, her mother paid for it all, so she cancelled it last night officially. It started with me offering to pay for myself and and my daughter, I don't care about it, but my daughter has never been on one. A few minutes later she changes it to "I'll take her, but you can stay!". I said that was fine because I have been on them before, I just wanted my daughter to have fun and not miss out. That was the plan til about 3 hours later when she changed her mind about that too. Saturday update: So she has agreed to meet face to face, to tell me what she wants in person and not through text. Her text to me this morning included "I just need time to get over ugly places I am in!" Do I be a friend to her and try to talk out our issues that way and hope something develops? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 "Why am i being made to suffer for the 'ugly places' you are in? Is this all over between us, or am I supposed to just wait around until you find yourself in a better place? Why make my daughter suffer? She hasn't done anything wrong....." This woman definitely needs individual therapy, and i would make that a proviso, because you cannot let her do all the rein-pulling. It's just not fair, no matter what place she's in..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInMaine Posted March 24, 2012 Author Share Posted March 24, 2012 My first step is to get her to meet me face to face, then I will go from there. We have only met Wednesday and then she resisted pretty hard. Now she has at least agreed to meet, albiet after she gets over the ugly places she is in. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 you have to be a little more of a hard-nut, otherwise she will walk all over you and relegate you to 'doormat' status. She will also lose respect for you.... I'm not saying you have to dig your heels in, but in view of her history, t think she may be in panic-mode about being 'trapped' so you have to be fair, kind - but firm. whatever demands she puts forward - ask her what is in it for you. If she complains or justifies - ask her what you have to do with that, and how you're supposed to react....? you have to make her responsible for her actions, because right now - she's projecting outwards, and wants you to take the punishment..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInMaine Posted March 24, 2012 Author Share Posted March 24, 2012 Well she has made it clear in text's that she is done with the relationship, not changing her mind no way no how. But then she refers to loving me still and us being beast friends. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 And how does that make you feel? Are you ok with that? And don't you think you should let her know that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInMaine Posted March 24, 2012 Author Share Posted March 24, 2012 Yes several times. She says she loves me, I am her best friend, and a great guy. She just can't do the relationship anymore. Which is why I feel if she had some counseling she could get past the wall she is putting up. But she just won't do it. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 You can't fix it. Only she can fix this. All you can do is support her, but you don't have to stand around and be kicked in the teeth while you do. If there's anything she wants, that you don't think you can do - then be upfront, and tell her. It's the only way she will get clarity... even if she's in an ugly palce right now, she will at least know 100% where she stands, with you. If she's running this show - then keep the ball in her court as much as you can. Let her be responsible.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInMaine Posted March 24, 2012 Author Share Posted March 24, 2012 I honestly feel helpless here. Obviously I love her, and I want to help her. But at the same time I have to just keep my distance because pushing causes her to become defensive. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 yup. Let her approach, and try not to let emotional affect rational. If you make a decision founded by emotional logic - it's a fail, right there. If you need to make a decision, make it on rational logic - and always - but ALWAYS - sleep on it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInMaine Posted March 24, 2012 Author Share Posted March 24, 2012 The hardest part is the not seeing her. We have seen each other once in the past week. And no phone conversations. I felt so positive after seeing her on Wednesday, I actually ate and slept well. Then is all went to crap the next two days. Now she gives hope to talking face to face, but no indication of when. And when this started she was very interested in seeing each other, having me over for dinner here and there. Now nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 like - I - said: be available for her, but leave the ball in her court. Be kind, but firm, and don't be a push-over..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInMaine Posted March 24, 2012 Author Share Posted March 24, 2012 Update: I just talked with her best friend. She said my wife has been going through hell crying and just miserable. In her words she is forcing herself to get over me, and that she doesn't see anything else happening. Rather than get her trust broken, and her heart broken, she would rather do it herself. Does this make sense? I've never heard of anyone doing this.... Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 No. But she really is pushing the "I don't need a man in my life" because she's got fears based in her other relationships. Depending on you for any kind of input or feedback would mean she has to share, and she feels that would be "giving her power away." She's trying to get over you - why would she need you - to get over you? She SERIOUSLY needs some therapy..... Or - she needs some SERIOUS therapy..... Can your friend act as a go-between? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInMaine Posted March 24, 2012 Author Share Posted March 24, 2012 She offered about a month ago, and my wife told her that it is our marriage and we can handle it. Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 I agree with TaraMaiden. I don't understand how people can wake up one morning and change everything only to be vague about the why's. This is a marriage, not a dress!! You need to be firm with her. Tell her you love her very much and that you don't deserve to be punished for the sins of another man. You understand her fears but you are there to help her get through them if that's what she wants. What you won't tolerate is being treated like a by-the-way. Like something to be discarded whenever it takes her fancy. You are a human being who makes mistakes just as she is. For you both to survive as a couple, what you need most is to learn how to resolve conflict since there will be times when you don't see eye to eye. If I were you, I'd be having some trust issues too by now. How can you trust that you won't get back together only for her to freak out again? I can't stand wishy washy people and people who seem to invite unnecessary drama in their lives. Your W really needs to learn some coping skills. Stress that you both need MC and that unless you go for it and try to resolve the underlying problems, then it's absolutely useless to pretend that there's something. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 She offered about a month ago, and my wife told her that it is our marriage and we can handle it. Confused, I'm not trying to be negative, but you've blocked me off at every turn.... Every time i have posted a response with some positive input - you've come back to me with a "this isn't on, because...." this is up to you - and you have to be decisive... use this friend. Your wife does NOT get to call all the shots - and if she won't talk to you - then you will have to use a go-between... It's ridiculous that she can send you a message via this friend - but you cannot avail yourself of the same help. It's time you stopped being a pushover - and you pushed back..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInMaine Posted March 24, 2012 Author Share Posted March 24, 2012 I'm not trying to be that way, I am just trying to tell everything that is going on. I appreciate the responses, I do. I just feel like I have tried everything I can think of and am banging my head off a wall. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 "Insaniity is doing the same things over and over again, and expecting a different result." So: change what you do. If nothing you have done has worked, then you need to change what you do, and do what works.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInMaine Posted March 24, 2012 Author Share Posted March 24, 2012 Well I got her to agree to talk to me a little later tonight, and possibly meet with me Monday. I'm hoping some progress can be made. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 Remember to not capitulate to everything she may demand... you must fight your corner.... remember she is also holding your daughter at arm's length and she has no grounds for doing something like that... she can't expect to be able to simply say 'jump' and you ask 'how high?' it really is important that - as her husband - she give you a lot more grace than she has done..... Link to post Share on other sites
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