Author ConfusedInMaine Posted March 24, 2012 Author Share Posted March 24, 2012 I am just so afraid to push too much, but I so want to be home. My daughter has been forced to live with her grandmother while I am at the hotel. My wife has her three boys with her, and seems she is content. My daughter woke up last night crying, so upset she wants to be home. She just turned 18 and graduates HS in a few months. She just wants some stability. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 You have to tell your wife this. Her behaviour is entirely unfair.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInMaine Posted March 24, 2012 Author Share Posted March 24, 2012 How is this? So I have to say this, I think this whole situation is unfair. You have everything of our life and I have nothing. You are living in our home, just as if nothing was going on. I am stuck with nothing of us at all. I think that until this is settled one way or the other, I should be able to stay in our home, at least on the couch. Link to post Share on other sites
TroyNJ Posted March 25, 2012 Share Posted March 25, 2012 Bro, you should have never left the house in the first place. Just sayin! Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 25, 2012 Share Posted March 25, 2012 How is this? Just going to correct this for you... This whole situation is unfair. You have everything of our life and I have nothing. You are living in our home, just as if nothing was going on. I am stuck with nothing of us at all. So this is the way it's going to be: until this is settled one way or the other, I WILL stay in our home, and if you don't like it, you can sleep on the couch. That's more like it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInMaine Posted March 25, 2012 Author Share Posted March 25, 2012 Well technically it is her house. I moved in before we married. It isn't marital property. Not sure that makes a difference. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInMaine Posted March 25, 2012 Author Share Posted March 25, 2012 I will try that, thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
westrock Posted March 25, 2012 Share Posted March 25, 2012 As posted by others, she needs therapy to work through her issues. If she refuses to go to couples counselling with you, make an appointment with a therapist for yourself to get some counselling for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInMaine Posted March 25, 2012 Author Share Posted March 25, 2012 Ok so I just got back from visiting her. She isn't set to end things as her friend said. She is very back and forth, and felt very overwhelmed. One of the things we worked through is the fact that she was seeing all of the issues that contributed to the separation, including her trust issues, and one huge issue. We talked about how we have to look at each individual issue, not everything at once. She has agreed to come up with a list of what she considers to be the top issues to her that we need to work on. She is also going to talk to her mother about getting my daughter and I back on the cruise. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted March 25, 2012 Share Posted March 25, 2012 Confused.. Women seldom check out of marriages unless 1. drug/alcohol issues by either party 2. physical/mental abuse by either party 3. mental illness by either party 4. 3rd person involvement by either party Pick your poison.. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 25, 2012 Share Posted March 25, 2012 she brought mental/physical abuse baggage from a previous marriage.... Link to post Share on other sites
health Posted March 25, 2012 Share Posted March 25, 2012 Why didn't you resolve the issues with your original wife first? It sounds like you had pain, looked for a quick fix - made all these fast decisions, lied prolly really hurt your first wife - and now you're basically facing the natural consequences. Sorry man. Why don't you just take some time to be alone and think things through? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInMaine Posted March 30, 2012 Author Share Posted March 30, 2012 Ok, so I haven't updated in a while, been trying to make some sort of progress. She has admitted some pretty scary thoughts, and asked for help. She goes to see a therapist tomorrow, and has agreed to try Marriage Counseling. It won't be quick, or easy, but at least something is happening. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 30, 2012 Share Posted March 30, 2012 Great news....i'm really pleased she decided this is a good way to go.... best of luck, guys.... keep us posted, ok? Take it gently, take it slow, and remember this: finding the problem, realising the problem, doesn't mean that there is a solution to the problem. That takes more work..... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 30, 2012 Share Posted March 30, 2012 Can you be absolutely positive she's not interested in someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInMaine Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 Yes, I am almost positive it is the 10 years of physical abuse at the hands of her ex husband that is finally rearing it's ugly head. She never dealt with it before. For the better part of the last two weeks she locks herself in her bedroom and cries because of the thoughts and dreams she has been having. I am so glad she told me she really needs help, and in her words "I need to talk to someone, and fast". Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Then the counselor needs to understand that this is a crisis situation - that way she can be seen ASAP! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInMaine Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 Tomorrow morning at 10am quick enough? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Yes, I am almost positive it is the 10 years of physical abuse at the hands of her ex husband that is finally rearing it's ugly head. She never dealt with it before. I actually feel this is a good sign. i personally believe - and i must emphasise this is just my opinion - that she has begin to feel comfortable, relaxed and content enough in the relationship you have, to finally permit her guard - and all those barriers - to come down, and to truly feel the pain she has been suppressing. Up to now, dhe's had to trust you, and now that everything seems to be turning out right, her emotions have found release, because she feels safe enough to release them. too bad you turned into her whipping post - but damn good thing you've stuck with it, and persevered. Well done you... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInMaine Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 Her first session just ended and I am waiting to her from her. I am sure it wasn't easy, but I hope she felt comfortable enough to go back. I am hopeful to get a session scheduled for both of us soon, and I hope I can move back home sometime soon too. Two weeks ago tonight was my last night at home before having to leave, and it seems like an eternity. I miss my family horribly, but this will be all worth it if we can work through everything and help her with her issues. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Give her space and time... The first session isn't usually as productive mainly because the counselor is getting to know her a bit - when one starts at the beginning - it takes time to get to what's really bothering the person. Not only that - but she may not "feel like" rehashing the things they talk about if it painful for her. I'm glad she went - but step back and allow her to come to you at her own pace. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInMaine Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 So she texted me. Says the therapist told her she thinks she has PTSD, what a shock, but glad she is facing it. Now the work begins. Monday we make a appointment for Marriage counseling, and her therapist thinks I should see someone too for issues stemming from my first marriage. Not sure we can afford three therapists, but we shall see. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 PTSD... that would fit. and i think it adds validation to my theory of her feeling safe enough to finally let it come out.... I think she needs the individual therapy more than you do,... so stick with us, and we'll be as supportive as we can, until such a time as you can go... but sure as hell got to MC together. Oh yeah. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInMaine Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 First thing Monday morning I am calling to set up a MC appointment. I wish I had done it yesterday when I had him on the phone, but it will happen for sure! Link to post Share on other sites
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