A post on Rekindling Old Flames...Right or Wrong?

[Daisysparkle]

Being in a LDR tends to make a person hyper-vigilent, hyper-sensitive, and dare I say it, hyper-focused, on the most subtlest of changes/oddities that surround the communication and trust within that relationship.

 

 

I've recently learned that my LD boyfriend of two years has gone to very great and deliberate lengths to reconnect with an old flame from +25 years ago. The reconnection was set up by him through an old mutual friend of theirs. As far as I know they were never a couple, but he told me that they did have strong feelings for eachother....erm um...25 years ago. 9 months ago, when showing me an ancient photo album, he pointed to a photograph of him and 'this girl' saying that he never understood why they never got together...so naturally, my mind held onto the name of this person.

 

 

Through an aqcuaintance, sometime last year I heard that he'd been looking at her picture on FB and had asked that a message be passed on to her that he thought her new profile picture was 'quite lovely'.

 

 

Recently, they have become FB friends, but I know for a fact that she is 'extremely happily married', and she has relayed very specific messages to him via their mutual friend that 'she would never do anything to harm her family', and that he is not to send emails or FB messages that could potentially cause hurt to her children or husband since they have open access to her computer, and that she does not want to feel she has to hide anything from them.

 

 

Okay, we're both in our late forties; but is this sort of behaviour appropriate from him, and should I be concerned?? I ask this, because despite the very clear 'rules of engagement' he continues to find innocuous reasons to be in touch with her.

 

 

 

Truth be told, I often wonder about my ex-loves; I'm sure most people do; but I never go as far as going 'all out' to make a reconnection – because normally, we realise that the people in our pasts have moved on, are married with kids etc – so why stir up the hornets nest, so to speak....and why do so if one is 'supposedly' in a heathy, loving relationship., and thereby run the risk of losing the love and trust built up over time, should the other partner find out...which is usually inevitable...

 

 

By the way, my boyfriend is currently not aware of my findings. I'm just putting my feelers out as I'm not quite sure what to do.

 

 

HELP!!

[TaraMaiden]

Two words:

Red Flag.

[Daisysparkle]

I Know I feel sick and totally repulsed. This is a man who text me this morning to say how his only wish is that we have a long and love filled marriage! He's full of BS. Ugh.

[TaraMaiden]

you could write back and cause a ruckus by calling him out on his behaviour -m but ask yourself if it's worth the hassle....

 

All I know is, that if someone is seeking to re-awaken some aspect of their past, then part of their present is lacking something.

more often than not, it's pure nostalgia.... but if he doesn't know why they didn't get together then, and she's in a bad marriage now.....

 

Well.....

you're competing against a good memory...and sometimes, an "unseen enemy" is a harder opponent than a visible one....

 

i don't know what to say to you to offer any crumb of comfort.

You've invested 2 years, so it's up to you to weigh up what further input you want to input....

[whichwayisup]

It does feed feelings and even if it's online, it's still dangerous and can get in the way of present and current relationships/marriage.

 

Putting time, energy and care into someone from his past that he doesn't know anymore to reconnect is just asking for trouble.

[Daisysparkle]

Thank you Tara and Which for your comments and thoughts. I appreciate it.

 

Nostalgia yes...maybe that's the case in my situation...I really hope so.

 

However, I'm a teensy weensy bit paranoid since I was an old flame of his from way back yonder, and beyond too

 

...and so the cycle continues..

[wowme20100]

Slap him! I don't care if he's LD or not that is just dumb.

[Daisysparkle]

Slap him! I don't care if he's LD or not that is just dumb.

 

Yes, it is rather dumb - that's what irks me...it's like, "er...hello?"

 

Trouble is, I'm not sure how to slap him on it without the paw-paw hitting the fan, as the information was given to me in confidence, which has put me in a really awkward position.

 

I've tried to give him the opportunity to at least mention that he's in touch with her...and have given him plenty of room to admit it on even a superficial level. I've done that by talking about my own past loves (one in particular) and how I've laid them to rest finally through counselling and doing alot of work on myself. He did write me a lengthy email after this conversation, but it was all really a bit 'around the houses'.

 

I guess the truth is, if he still has feelings for her, he's hardly going to talk about her to me, is he?

 

Btw, she is extremely happy in her marriage (I think Tara misread my first post) - so there is no chance of anything happening. But, it just unsettles me. And as Which says "Putting time, energy and care into someone from his past that he doesn't know anymore; to reconnect, is just asking for trouble".

 

Really, I want to tell him to sod off BUT I'm finding it hard to do that!

[FitChick]

Why have you waited two years and still not moved to be with him (or him to you)?

[january2011]

It sounds like he has doubts and now you have doubts. Unless he's willing to clear up the matter and remove those doubts, whether you get to hear about it directly or indirectly, there will always be a question mark over your relationship. Are you willing to continue the LDR under these conditions?

[Meaplus3]

I Know I feel sick and totally repulsed. This is a man who text me this morning to say how his only wish is that we have a long and love filled marriage! He's full of BS. Ugh.

 

Not good. Something sorta like this has taken place with a friend of mine. it got ugly. Stay away.. ignore this guy.

[Daisysparkle]

Why have you waited two years and still not moved to be with him (or him to you)?

 

We are both in the midst of divorcing spouses

 

Unless he's willing to clear up the matter and remove those doubts, whether you get to hear about it directly or indirectly, there will always be a question mark over your relationship. Are you willing to continue the LDR under these conditions?

 

I've given him ample opportunity to remove the doubts in my mind about his 'loyalty', and I've grown tired of hearing "...I Love You, and Only You...You are all I ever think about...blah blah...", especially since he told the mutual friend that, "I Love XXXXX, and I always will"....mmmm

 

Well, I've since been doing a lot of reading up on the whole 'Old Flame Syndrome'...and I find it rather sad and pathetic in terms of what I thought our relationship was... I truly believed that loyalty was the foundation of our relationship IF his flame was in a stale, or unhappy marriage, I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that he would be off faster than a greyhound to catch the fluffy

 

So...I've had this information for 3 weeks now, and understandably there has been zero inclination on my part to be 'cyber intimate'. That will never happen again as far as I'm concerned.

 

I'm finding it hard to actually do the right thing for myself and break up with him, right now, because I find it hard to believe that people can be so deceiving...but I know that is what I must do...so I'm looking for support really...

[TaraMaiden]

I know it's hard, but i think you need to thank your lucky stars that this didn't go any further and that frankly - you dodged the bullet.

I'm sorry it's taken two years of your investment, but it looks as if he's been 'using 2 bank accounts' - as fail-safe devices, in case one goes bust....

what you need to do - and again, it's very difficult - but you need to put the computer down, and walk away from the computer.....in other words, distance yourself from what ails you, and drop off his radar.

 

for good.

 

Please read the caliguy no contact guide in my signature.

know that the original author actually worked alongside his ex - so it can be done. He did it, but he did it 100% and did it 100% of the time....

it hurts - but you will get over this.

And you can help others, too.