Questions swirling around my head...

[BewitchedandBothered]

I don't want to feel like this anymore; he's not feeling anything for me; got someone new. But...i just can't help these questions swirling around my head...

When we were fighting--all of which he started--he once said "in some ways I am still healing from my ex wife"...well then WHY, if he was still healing did he get involved with me??

 

What did he want me for? I know it wasn't sex because most of the time he could not perform==that was my fault according to him.

 

Why wouldn't you change your relationship status if you said you loved me? Why wouldn't you put our pictures up, but you let the new one do so? And you have posted many as well.

 

Why, when I told you once that I was going to post pictures of our outings, did you say "you do and you will be sorry"...Would you even think of telling your new g/f that?

 

Are you over your ex wife yet that you have move on to the first person who bit on your Match.com? Do you call this new girl by the ex's name like you did to me 6 times?

 

...sorry guys, just can't help it, I am in a funk---I am sure that PMS has enhanced it to day, but I still feel so....unworthy, so unspecial; he is open to sharing his new relationship to the world and kept me a secret...Some friends had no clue about us. How humiliating. why did he do that to me?Will she suffer the same ending or is she so wonderful and special that she is unscathed and he, too is unscathed?

 

Just trying to sort things out in my head. I think of the nice times we had, but have to realize that that wonderful man I loved was fictitious; all an act. He was a Jeckyll/Hyde and it was frightening. When someone deleted him, he assumed I was behind it and simply texted out of the blue "you are evil". I had that awful feeling in my stomach when i saw that. he blocked me and unblocked me within minutes and then sent an apology that day "sorry, I'm alone and sometimes my thoughts run away with me".

 

Keeping his fb friends at the time took precedence over me, and over time he knocked me into the ground. I was a big zero to him...why did he want me around? What did he want from me?

[TaraMaiden]

...what are you doing....?

 

And why?

[BewitchedandBothered]

...what are you doing....?

 

And why?

 

Just trying to make sense of it all. It makes no sense.

[TaraMaiden]

how do you propose to make sense of it, if you are unable to get answers from him?

 

I know it sounds odd, but in Buddhism, the Buddha taught that there are 4 main unconjecturables. i'm not going to list them: suffice to say he emphasised that trying to figure the answers was a complete impossibility and that - and I quote -

"..... would bring madness & vexation to anyone who conjectured about them."

 

i reckon we can add " Trying to second-guess the mind-workings of another person" to that list, huh?

 

Sweetheart, you are driving yourself batty....

 

you have to find a way of dropping this.....

[BewitchedandBothered]

how do you propose to make sense of it, if you are unable to get answers from him?

 

I know it sounds odd, but in Buddhism, the Buddha taught that there are 4 main unconjecturables. i'm not going to list them: suffice to say he emphasised that trying to figure the answers was a complete impossibility and that - and I quote -

 

 

i reckon we can add " Trying to second-guess the mind-workings of another person" to that list, huh?

 

Sweetheart, you are driving yourself batty....

 

you have to find a way of dropping this.....

 

You are right; I wouldn't seek answers from the ex; he wouldn't give them to me if I asked. I know I won't get answers, but felt the need to ask. I want to drop it. I want to be free of it. Llike yesterday. But it seems to follow me around sometimes. Some days are okay, other days are like this. just trying to find a way to heal; way out of this.

[TaraMaiden]

what have you tried, that works?

 

let me put another perspective on this.

every time you breathe in and out - it's one breath less.

one breath closer to your final breath.

And you don't know when that 'final breath' will be...

but each time you breathe in & out - you never get a chance to breathe that breath.....

on average, we all take around 21,600 breaths in 24 hours.

that's a lot of breaths.

a lot of breaths finished and done with.

count them down..... 1 less.......1 less.........

 

why waste your precious breath....?

without food we can last 14 days.

without water we can last 4 days.

without air, we can last - 4 minutes.

 

So every breath is vital to your existence - and each one, goes, never to return.....

the Chinese believe that we are all born with a pre-ordained number of breaths each... it varies.... But this number cannot be changed.

but they figure that we can prolong our own lives, by breathing more deeply, and more slowly.....

It might be true... when we breathe shallowly and quickly, it's a sign of stress or panic... we tell agitated people to 'slow down, and breathe....'

 

so why not try meditation focusing on the breath?

 

that will be a connection for you, with what truly matters......

[BewitchedandBothered]

I have this awful habit of analyzing and pulling every detail apart. It's the Scorpio in me perhaps. Always wanting to get to the bottom of something. But the good things is that I do function; not sitting there singing "True Love Ways" to his 8 x 10 glossy, LOL...I tossed out every tangible memory; deleted pictures, etc. And it was cathartic.

 

I find healing when I am in the garden, but there are days when it enters my head again and it's not welcome there. I just want good things. He does not deserve to be in my head; he is not my concern anymore. If only I can erase him from my brain.

 

I am very much scarred from the abuse. If he was gentle and kind as he was in the beginning, if he were sincere with me and it just didn't work out, I truly believe the healing would have been quicker.

 

I have this thing about justice and wondering where it is here. that's the 'me' thing I can't really help; it's just how I roll.

[Thatguyintx]

I have this awful habit of analyzing and pulling every detail apart. It's the Scorpio in me perhaps. Always wanting to get to the bottom of something. But the good things is that I do function; not sitting there singing "True Love Ways" to his 8 x 10 glossy, LOL...I tossed out every tangible memory; deleted pictures, etc. And it was cathartic.

 

I find healing when I am in the garden, but there are days when it enters my head again and it's not welcome there. I just want good things. He does not deserve to be in my head; he is not my concern anymore. If only I can erase him from my brain.

 

I am very much scarred from the abuse. If he was gentle and kind as he was in the beginning, if he were sincere with me and it just didn't work out, I truly believe the healing would have been quicker.

 

I have this thing about justice and wondering where it is here. that's the 'me' thing I can't really help; it's just how I roll.

 

Bewitched,

 

I believe you are the female version of me. Pleasure to meet you!

 

1. Analyze until the cows come home - Check.

2. Pitch the collateral from the relationship - Check.

3. Expect others to be gentle and kind - Check.

4. Hoping for justice - Check.

 

Honestly, you give great advice on here. I am very surprised that you are struggling. You need to take some of your own advice and flush him from your world. He means nothing. You have so much more value than he does. Don't waste your brain cycles solving the impossible problem.

[TaraMaiden]

Thatguyintx, you will find that's probably one of the most common problems in existence....

I can think of a really good handful of people here, who all give good, sound, thoughtful considered appropriate advice - hey, in a bad storm, they'd be the first guys I turn to.

Ask them - "Do you follow your own advice....?"

 

guess what....?

 

ever heard the phrase, "physician heal thyself."......?

 

Yeah... well.....

[CopingGal]

 

When we were fighting--all of which he started--he once said "in some ways I am still healing from my ex wife"...well then WHY, if he was still healing did he get involved with me??

 

 

Because the man is a nauseating bombaclot.

 

Why wouldn't you change your relationship status if you said you loved me? Why wouldn't you put our pictures up, but you let the new one do so?

Because the man is a nauseating bombaclot.

 

 

Why, when I told you once that I was going to post pictures of our outings, did you say "you do and you will be sorry?"

 

Because the man is a nauseating bombaclot.

 

 

 

He is open to sharing his new relationship to the world and kept me a secret...Some friends had no clue about us. How humiliating. why did he do that to me?

 

Because the man is a nauseating bombaclot.

 

 

 

Keeping his fb friends at the time took precedence over me, and over time he knocked me into the ground. I was a big zero to him...why did he want me around?

 

 

Because the man is a nauseating bombaclot.

[TaraMaiden]

No, don't mince words, CopingGal, say what you mean....

 

i think it would help.....

 

"nauseating bombaclot".... :laugh:

[CopingGal]

Seriously, Bewitched and Bothered,

 

My answers may sound funny, but that man really is a nauseating bombaclot . It's good that you are away from him! I can't call my ex a nauseating bombaclot anymore because that label is too good for him. My roommate calls him an "unfair, inhuman, sadistic bastard." But even that label is too good for him. When it comes to my ex, the only thing I could think of comparing him is with is a puddle of fruitcake vomit...and even that comparison is too good for him!

Edited March 27, 2012 by CopingGal

[BewitchedandBothered]

Seriously, Bewitched and Bothered,

 

My answers may sound funny, but that man really is a nauseating bombaclot . It's good that you are away from him! I can't call my ex a nauseating bombaclot anymore because that label is too good for him. My roommate calls him an "unfair, inhuman, sadistic bastard." But even that label is too good for him. When it comes to my ex, the only thing I could think of comparing him is with is a puddle of fruitcake vomit...and even that comparison is too good for him!

 

I love your word for him, LOL!!!!!!! it does hurt to know he is charming this other lady like crazy and for all to see. Yes, it hurts my feelings still. to this very day, he trashes me to everyone as the psycho ex=the way he trashed all of his ex's to me when he was charming me. Still dealing with hurt feelings and pride. this jerk gets to land on his feet and be happy-this woman seems perfect and everything he wants in a lady. I feel like **** sometimes.

[CopingGal]

Bewitched, so how are you doing? Do you still ask yourself those questions? Believe me I had so many questions and still do. But I don't want to ask my ex any of them because he lies about everything. I'm letting all of my questions go.

 

Every since I have looked at my ex as not being of this world, I have felt better. Lately I continue to picture him on the moon by himself..far, far away from me. My roommate doesn't like me to do that because he feels the moon is too good a place for my ex.

 

I never write letters to him in my journal any more. I never "talk" to him that way, because my ex is not of this world. He's irrelevant.

[Million.to.1]

BB... I feel ya.

 

I keep typing advice and then deleting it. I don't really know what to say.

But I totally understand what it's like to not be enough for someone to love.

That's how it feels.... But it's not true.

 

To the garden with you woman!

[cflowers32]

Bewitched,

 

I believe you are the female version of me. Pleasure to meet you!

 

1. Analyze until the cows come home - Check.

2. Pitch the collateral from the relationship - Check.

3. Expect others to be gentle and kind - Check.

4. Hoping for justice - Check.

 

Honestly, you give great advice on here. I am very surprised that you are struggling. You need to take some of your own advice and flush him from your world. He means nothing. You have so much more value than he does. Don't waste your brain cycles solving the impossible problem.

 

I like her anger, it's a great defense. I like her advice too.

 

We're all trying, and actually, it is nice to see her softer side here. No matter who it is, I hate seeing anyone going through this.

[stillafool]

 

I don't want to feel like this anymore; he's not feeling anything for me; got

someone new. But...i just can't help these questions swirling around my

head...

 

 

When we were fighting--all of which he started--he once said "in some ways I

am still healing from my ex wife"...well then WHY, if he was still healing did

he get involved with me??

 

This is your answer. He must have still been in love with his wife when he was with you and maybe your relationship was a rebound relationship for him.

 

What did he want me for? I know it wasn't sex because most of the time he could

not perform==that was my fault according to him.

 

He needed to be with someone so he didn't feel lonely and alone during his grief. The fact that he couldn't perform sex with you is probably because he still desired his ex wife.

 

Why wouldn't you change your relationship status if you said you loved me?

 

I'm so sorry to say this to you but it was probably because you weren't the one for him.

 

 

 

Why wouldn't you put our pictures up, but you let the new one do so? And you

have posted many as well.

 

I think it is because now with time he is over his ex wife and has fallen in love with this woman.

 

 

Why, when I told you once that I was going to post pictures of our outings,

did you say "you do and you will be sorry"...Would you even think of telling

your new g/f that?

 

No he wouldn't say that to her because their relationship is different. The fact that he didn't want public evidence of your relationship with him should tell you everything you need to know about his feelings for you.

 

Are you over your ex wife yet that you have move on to the first person who bit

on your Match.com? Do you call this new girl by the ex's name like you did to

me 6 times?

 

I think he is over his ex wife and how do you know this woman is the first person who "bit" on that site.

 

he is open to sharing his new relationship to the world and kept me a

secret...Some friends had no clue about us. How humiliating. why did he do that

to me??

 

Again, he has shown you what your relationship was about. His selfishness in using another person to get him through his pain. Don't feel humiliated because no one had a clue about the two of you. Because they know nothing, there is nothing to feel humiliated about. Thank goodness they know nothing, I say.

 

Will she suffer the same ending or is she so wonderful and special that

she

is unscathed and he, too is unscathed

 

Don't worry about revenge just accept what happened and try to let it go. It doesn't matter what happens in their relationship at this point. Just worry about healing yourself and moving on.

 

Just trying to sort things out in my head. I think of the nice times we had,

but have to realize that that wonderful man I loved was fictitious; all an act.

He was a Jeckyll/Hyde and it was frightening. When someone deleted him, he

assumed I was behind it and simply texted out of the blue "you are evil". I had

that awful feeling in my stomach when i saw that. he blocked me and unblocked me

within minutes and then sent an apology that day "sorry, I'm alone and sometimes

my thoughts run away with me".

 

This statment from him is most telling.

 

Keeping his fb friends at the time took precedence over me, and over time he

knocked me into the ground. I was a big zero to him...why did he want me around?

What did he want from me?

 

He wanted someone to help him get over his wife. You are not a zero and at this point you should know the only zero around is him. You have got to get some IC to help you through this. You cannot continue to beat yourself up over his choices. Thank God you are out of this now and he can no longer use you. I didn't want to be so blatantly honest with you in my response but you have to face the truth and pull yourself up.

[CopingGal]

Correct stillafool. In other words:

 

Because the man is a nauseating bombaclot!

[CopingGal]

 

He wanted someone to help him get over his wife. You are not a zero and at this point you should know the only zero around is him. You have got to get some IC to help you through this. You cannot continue to beat yourself up over his choices. Thank God you are out of this now and he can no longer use you. I didn't want to be so blatantly honest with you in my response but you have to face the truth and pull yourself up.

 

 

I totally agree. I think my ex used me to get over his ex too. That is why he was so different with the women after me, but eventually he would have treated them badly anyway. My ex can pretend for just so long.

 

Stillafool is right, don't beat yourself up about this. Your ex did what HE did. It's a reflection on him, not you. For him to do those things to you shows that he is truly dysfunctional...and of course, a nauseating bombaclot.

 

You have to stop torturing yourself. Takes stillafool's answers, take my answers, take your own answers, but don't depend on HIM to answer you. He might even lie if you asked him.

 

Here's some questions you CAN ask yourself:

 

-Where do I go from here?

-What can I do to make my life really count for something?

-What can I do to increase my quality of life?

-What can I do to help myself heal?

 

Seriously, those are the questions you should be asking yourself.

[Mr Scorpio]

From the sounds of it, the man was inconsiderate, shallow, and still hurting from his former relationship. Rather than worrying about why he did what he did, maybe focus on why you put up with it as long as you did?

[BewitchedandBothered]

Bewitched, so how are you doing? Do you still ask yourself those questions? Believe me I had so many questions and still do. But I don't want to ask my ex any of them because he lies about everything. I'm letting all of my questions go.

 

Every since I have looked at my ex as not being of this world, I have felt better. Lately I continue to picture him on the moon by himself..far, far away from me. My roommate doesn't like me to do that because he feels the moon is too good a place for my ex.

 

I never write letters to him in my journal any more. I never "talk" to him that way, because my ex is not of this world. He's irrelevant.

 

It has subsided since doing research and finding out he may be borderline personality. He fits 99percent of the criteria. The part that doesn't fit him is harming himself. He would harm others before he harmed himself.

 

Sometimes it does hit me that all the things he didn't do for me, he is doing for her with ease and happiness. I wanted him to make us official by changing his fb status to in a relationship with me; he kept up 'interested in women' and 'single'. I'll bed he did it for her, though, now that he made it public==which I firmly believe that was an 'in your face' to his ex wife who placed picture of herself, her new fiancee and huge engagement ring out there.

 

I do feel much better, because if I keep in my mind he is a narcissist and BP, then I figure he can't help that, so moving on has been a little better. I am not as stuck. I am a very sensitive person, so yes, it takes me a while to get over things; my feelings were hurt and I was devalued. Cast off to the side. He was done with me, forgot about me and after trolling the dating sites, found someone new. It chaps my a*s that she is tall, blonde with blue eyes and extremely successful. Whatever, though, she got my leftovers.

 

his ex girlfriend told me to 'watch it unravel'==she said she couldn't stand him when they dated (the abuse, etc.), and she said he is worse now and feels he will be alone. I do not wish bad on people====but what he did to me does warrant him feeling what this is like, and not punishing women for his ex wife leaving------because of his abuse.

[BewitchedandBothered]

From the sounds of it, the man was inconsiderate, shallow, and still hurting from his former relationship. Rather than worrying about why he did what he did, maybe focus on why you put up with it as long as you did?

 

Because I am a Scorpio, LOL;) I was with him for about 2 years. In the beginning, he was wonderful. I got attached to that wonderfulness and was hoping it would come back. And it did, after he would abuse me, the apology was sincere, but then he would play head games again. I ran. He kept pursuing me sweetly and I fell for it again.

 

I put up with it because at that time, I truly thought he was sorry and I was in love. But after awhile, I had enough; he got to dump me first==but I had no idea he was searching for someone new while still with me. He begged me to spend a weekend with him and when I came home is when I found out. He got angry, so very angry with me that I found out and called me a 'whore'---which he claims to not remember. That was on my birthday; a girl never forgets the sweet talk, lOL.

 

I put up with it because he was Jeckyll and Hyde; the sweeter man got to me. But after awhile I had enough. Oddly enough I didn't want to hurt his feelings, isn't' that a scream? I am uber passionate and sensitive and thought there was still something there. There must have been if he called me over the Summer, twice. I ignored; I am kind of afraid of him now. His ex wife stayed for 18 years and to this day, says she loved him and wanted to make it work. She left 3 times. I don't think I could have stayed as long as she did.

 

You are correct, looking to myself for answers is the better thing.

[BewitchedandBothered]

 

This is your answer. He must have still been in love with his wife when he was with you and maybe your relationship was a rebound relationship for him.

 

 

 

He needed to be with someone so he didn't feel lonely and alone during his grief. The fact that he couldn't perform sex with you is probably because he still desired his ex wife.

 

 

 

I'm so sorry to say this to you but it was probably because you weren't the one for him.

 

 

 

 

I think it is because now with time he is over his ex wife and has fallen in love with this woman.

 

 

 

No he wouldn't say that to her because their relationship is different. The fact that he didn't want public evidence of your relationship with him should tell you everything you need to know about his feelings for you.

 

 

 

I think he is over his ex wife and how do you know this woman is the first person who "bit" on that site.

 

 

 

Again, he has shown you what your relationship was about. His selfishness in using another person to get him through his pain. Don't feel humiliated because no one had a clue about the two of you. Because they know nothing, there is nothing to feel humiliated about. Thank goodness they know nothing, I say.

 

 

 

Don't worry about revenge just accept what happened and try to let it go. It doesn't matter what happens in their relationship at this point. Just worry about healing yourself and moving on.

 

 

 

This statment from him is most telling.

 

 

 

He wanted someone to help him get over his wife. You are not a zero and at this point you should know the only zero around is him. You have got to get some IC to help you through this. You cannot continue to beat yourself up over his choices. Thank God you are out of this now and he can no longer use you. I didn't want to be so blatantly honest with you in my response but you have to face the truth and pull yourself up.

 

thank you for this; I truly needed it. But...I don't think he is over his ex wife for the reason that he went right into dating/relationships right after the divorce. When he and I started talking, it was about a year since the divorce and he fell in 'love' with any woman who was kind to him.

 

In my gut, I feel he is using this new one also as an 'in your face' to the ex wife. No sooner did she post pics of her engagement, did he post pics of him and his newbie having a good time. Putting it out there as 'public' is not something he does; there was motive behind it. Just saying.

 

Also, he was still trying to contact me in August He met this one in December; there was no time for him to heal from his ex wife at all. He said and I quote "I need someone in my life, someone who can be there every day, because I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE. I am getting up there in age." (he is 44); I said "so you will pretty much take anybody, then?"--he didn't answer. My gut is that he wants someone to fill the void and he has no real concept of true love===he didn't show it to his ex g/f nor did he show it to his ex wife==according to discussions with her.

 

Anyone he has crossed paths with tried warning me, telling me he is 'sick'. So given the small amount of time he was contacting me, to when he met and fell in "love" with this new girl, I don't think he is over his ex and he never tried being alone to heal; they were together, after all, for 18 years.

 

But yes, I was used to get over his ex wife and it sucks because I know I am a good person, not all the things he said about me. His ex wife is not all the things he said about her, and all the other women he trashed, are not how he put it.

Edited April 1, 2012 by BewitchedandBothered

[BewitchedandBothered]

I like her anger, it's a great defense. I like her advice too.

 

We're all trying, and actually, it is nice to see her softer side here. No matter who it is, I hate seeing anyone going through this.

 

I guess I am battle=hardened.

[CopingGal]

From the sounds of it, the man was inconsiderate, shallow, and still hurting from his former relationship. Rather than worrying about why he did what he did, maybe focus on why you put up with it as long as you did?

 

 

That is correct as well. In the books I read to help myself, you look at what you did wrong in the relationship as well. The main thing I did wrong in the relationship was putting up with so much from him and making excuses for him. He emotionally abused me because I let him. In my defense, we were going to therapy sessions off and on, but I still put up with all of his terrible behavior. That is what I did wrong in the relationship. I have my faults...example I am too sensitive, I make big deals out of little things, etc. But my main mistake was letting him emotionally abuse me.

 

I also realize...you go to therapy to fix communication problems. You don't go to therapy to turn a bastard into a prince. My ex was a bastard, is a bastard, and will always be a bastard...until the day he dies.