TaraMaiden Posted April 1, 2012 Share Posted April 1, 2012 Yeah, the curlers give it away...I'm picturing you in a bathrobe, arms crossed, holding a cast-iron skillet.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 1, 2012 Share Posted April 1, 2012 Also, he was still trying to contact me in August He met this one in December; there was no time for him to heal from his ex wife at all. He said and I quote "I need someone in my life, someone who can be there every day, because I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE. I am getting up there in age." (he is 44); I said "so you will pretty much take anybody, then?"--he didn't answer. My gut is that he wants someone to fill the void and he has no real concept of true love===he didn't show it to his ex g/f nor did he show it to his ex wife==according to discussions with her. I haven't read your history regarding your breakup but I have to ask, why wouldn't he just stay with you if he didn't want to be alone and to show his ex wife that he had another woman in his life? What happened to cause your breakup? Link to post Share on other sites
CopingGal Posted April 1, 2012 Share Posted April 1, 2012 I also realize...you go to therapy to fix communication problems. You don't go to therapy to turn a bastard into a prince. My ex was a bastard, is a bastard, and will always be a bastard...until the day he dies. Let me explain that. I really believe in therapy if you want to change yourself...I do. But YOU don't ask someone to go to therapy so they can completely change. First of all, it takes years..........to change. Second, they really have to want to do it. If you and your partner have communication problems but a decent relationship, therapy might be good. But if you are seeing a lying, manipulative, cunning, foolish, selfish, irresponsible bastard, don't go to couple's therapy...go to individual therapy for yourself if you want to ...and of course, leave your partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 1, 2012 Share Posted April 1, 2012 I understand too, but now you REALLY have to use self discipline to focus on healing yourself and stop trying to analyze him. He sounds like a mess. Bottom line, though, is that your relationship did not work out and you need to move on from it and from him, which includes banishing him from taking up so much of your head space. All the negative crap he put on you is really about him, not you. The time will come when you are grateful that this relationship did not take up any more of your precious life than it did. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BewitchedandBothered Posted April 1, 2012 Author Share Posted April 1, 2012 I haven't read your history regarding your breakup but I have to ask, why wouldn't he just stay with you if he didn't want to be alone and to show his ex wife that he had another woman in his life? What happened to cause your breakup? One of the things that bothered me was that I didn't like him heavily flirting with other women where I could see it (he asked a woman out right on her wall, right after our first weekend together). He had that lady block me. The breakup was a build up of things; I wanted him to throw away his wife's old sanitary napkins and fem hygiene products. I wanted him to toss her old hairbrush and toothbrush. I wanted him to give back her jacket that he refused to--bragged he still had her ring that she asked for, he said he told her he couldn't find it, but there it was. He never got rid of any of that stuff. He didn't like me questioning things; but I couldn't help it. I have 2 children and wasn't ready to introduce him yet===when the abuse started, I was extremely apprehensive and he would make inappropriate jokes about kids as well. He doesn't have children. I wanted to give it more time. I was also working; he didn't want me to make the kids my priority and was upset if I couldn't travel on a moment's notice. I had a lot of juggling of the schedule, which was fine; I can juggle and multitask. His ex wife also had a son and he was extremely jealous to the point of hitting him once=info given to me via the ex wife. I found out after a weekend together that he was back on all the dating sites; when I confronted him how I wish he would have told me instead of begging me to spend a weekend with him, he yelled 'I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE; I NEED SOMEONE IN MY LIFE WHO CAN BE THERE EVERY DAY." He told me he loved me, that we were soul mates and that he will never find anyone with the chemistry we had. he then called me a 'whore', said no man would want me and put up with my ****. he wants someone to be 100 available because "I am getting up there". I didn't think 44 was 'getting up there", but okay, LOL. I couldn't give him 24/7 and wanted to tread lightly with my kids. I had a terrible gut feeling and wanted to keep them from him. One of the crude jokes he made was said as we were in a sex shop he dragged me to. He took phallic shaped lollypops and said he wanted to get them for the kids; had a hearty laugh and put them back. Sorry, but I found it repulsive, so I stalled, big time. Plus, I felt it was still early, and the fact that he said he loved me sooooo much, I thought we had time and could take our time. The final blow that caused him to dump me was when I confronted him about the dating sites. After the name calling, he said "I am so done with you!!!". He later tried contacting me, but after all he had put me through, why respond? Hope I am making sense here. The relationship was all discombobulated towards the end. I thought we had something. But there was a lot of verbal/mental torture and I thought he would change. I did all I could to be more available to him; every weekend I would spend with him, plus a couple days during the week, plus always on the phone, always chatting and always texting. He offered me to move in with him, but I didn't want to uproot the kids just yet==as I said, red flags. He told me later what a horrible Mom I am, a horrible example to my kids. I am glad to be rid of him, but hurt that he is worshiping this new girl after having devalued me. It just hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BewitchedandBothered Posted April 1, 2012 Author Share Posted April 1, 2012 I haven't read your history regarding your breakup but I have to ask, why wouldn't he just stay with you if he didn't want to be alone and to show his ex wife that he had another woman in his life? What happened to cause your breakup? His ex wife didn't even know about us when I contacted her regarding his abuse. I guess I wasn't worthy of being shown off. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 1, 2012 Share Posted April 1, 2012 This man is a narcisist and I'll bet you NO woman can make him truly happy. Not even his ex wife if she were to come crawling back to him on hands and knees. You are so blessed that he has moved on and taken his sh$t to someone else's backyard. I agree that he will probably show his true colors in this new relationship and at this point I'm feeling sorry for her. I wonder if his new girl has children. If so she is in for a rude awakening. He sounds like he wants a woman to babysit him 24/7. He is not the man you or any other woman needs. I bet his ex wife has stories about him that would blow your hair back. I've found out in my life that the men who act out the worst are always the cry babies when you finally get the strength to walk out on them. He is not worthy of your tears. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CopingGal Posted April 1, 2012 Share Posted April 1, 2012 Some people just have destructive personalities. They are dysfunctional, and try to make their problem, OUR problem. I'm so glad I didn't have a child with my ex. I pity the women that ends up marrying him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted April 1, 2012 Share Posted April 1, 2012 Just a gentle reminder, B&B----you dodged a bullet. Had you stayed with him---you wouldn't even recognize yourself in a few years. I know it's hard to look at it that way now---but I expect you'll reach that realization, the more time & distance helps you to shake off his effect on you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BewitchedandBothered Posted April 1, 2012 Author Share Posted April 1, 2012 This man is a narcisist and I'll bet you NO woman can make him truly happy. Not even his ex wife if she were to come crawling back to him on hands and knees. You are so blessed that he has moved on and taken his sh$t to someone else's backyard. I agree that he will probably show his true colors in this new relationship and at this point I'm feeling sorry for her. I wonder if his new girl has children. If so she is in for a rude awakening. He sounds like he wants a woman to babysit him 24/7. He is not the man you or any other woman needs. I bet his ex wife has stories about him that would blow your hair back. I've found out in my life that the men who act out the worst are always the cry babies when you finally get the strength to walk out on them. He is not worthy of your tears. You hit the nail on the head!!!!!!! I did walk out once and he cried and blew up my phone with texts and voicemail. the newbie doesn't have children. when the ex said he hit her son, I felt sick in my stomach. She said he told her he was just joking with the boy==but the boy was only 4 at the time and cried hysterically when he was punched on the arm---the ex walked in on it. Told me she told him "if you ever touch my son again, I will blow your head off". Yes, he was a crybaby when she left after 3 times. Well, he cried each time. and then cried to any woman he was dating about his ex. After he cries, he will hurl derogatory insults, some are very shocking. Some of the things he has said even in 'jest' as he says, were degrading. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BewitchedandBothered Posted April 1, 2012 Author Share Posted April 1, 2012 Just a gentle reminder, B&B----you dodged a bullet. Had you stayed with him---you wouldn't even recognize yourself in a few years. I know it's hard to look at it that way now---but I expect you'll reach that realization, the more time & distance helps you to shake off his effect on you. I was already not recognizing myself and took an antidepressant because of him--which he ridiculed me for; has extreme resentment for people who feel the need to take these types of meds. Link to post Share on other sites
CopingGal Posted April 1, 2012 Share Posted April 1, 2012 Well I'm on antidepressants. IF you ex doesn't like it, he can kiss my large, brown, round buttocks! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BewitchedandBothered Posted April 1, 2012 Author Share Posted April 1, 2012 Well I'm on antidepressants. IF you ex doesn't like it, he can kiss my large, brown, round buttocks! He always made himself sound 'above' other people; such as those of us who had taken the meds, if he doesn't like your career choice he will tell you and say "that doesn't seem to make a lot of money", etc. bragged about how he didn't have a mortgage;home was paid for. I later found out through his ex wife that the reason their house was paid for was because of her money plus a small inheritance left to them by his Grandfather in the will. He was making himself out to be a self made man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BewitchedandBothered Posted April 1, 2012 Author Share Posted April 1, 2012 This man is a narcisist and I'll bet you NO woman can make him truly happy. Not even his ex wife if she were to come crawling back to him on hands and knees. You are so blessed that he has moved on and taken his sh$t to someone else's backyard. I agree that he will probably show his true colors in this new relationship and at this point I'm feeling sorry for her. I wonder if his new girl has children. If so she is in for a rude awakening. He sounds like he wants a woman to babysit him 24/7. He is not the man you or any other woman needs. I bet his ex wife has stories about him that would blow your hair back. I've found out in my life that the men who act out the worst are always the cry babies when you finally get the strength to walk out on them. He is not worthy of your tears. Also, I forgot to mention that in August, a woman he knew in high school (my ex was best friends with her then boyfriend, now hubby). He had her block me during our fighting; told her I am a psycho and should therefore be blocked. She deleted me and blocked me back then. August came and she unblocked me and inboxed me. She apologized for having blocked me and told me she she got to see my ex's 'epic temper'==her words. My ex made some comments about her husband's choice to become a firefighter. *my ex's ex wife was a paramedic and then a firefighter which he came to resent in a huge way*. He made a comment " Is THAT what you want to do with your life? What on EARTH would make you choose to do that??"===he commented this under the man's picture in his new FF uniform. The guy's wife said she didn't understand that comment and what her husband was doing was noble and heroic. He then inboxes her and started an argument with her. Said some vile things and then apologized and asked "by the way, you happy in your marriage?"--he asked every woman this, by the way. but she was incensed. She had seen how he treated his Mother back in their high school days, my ex had a falling out with the other fellow over a girl and stopped talking for years. She apologized to me and said she was so sorry for having blocked me that that my ex was a piece of trash. another woman forwarded emails to me about an argument he started with her, and he also spread lies that she is on drugs and has had multiple affairs. This woman's husband is a paraplegic. She showed me the email he sent her "Go back to your one legged husband". I cringed. (he insisted on meeting her, she said 'no I am married' and he wouldn't leave her alone for awhile.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author BewitchedandBothered Posted April 1, 2012 Author Share Posted April 1, 2012 yeah, the curlers give it away...i'm picturing you in a bathrobe, arms crossed, holding a cast-iron skillet.... cracking up!!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CopingGal Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 He always made himself sound 'above' other people; such as those of us who had taken the meds, if he doesn't like your career choice he will tell you and say "that doesn't seem to make a lot of money", etc. bragged about how he didn't have a mortgage;home was paid for. I later found out through his ex wife that the reason their house was paid for was because of her money plus a small inheritance left to them by his Grandfather in the will. He was making himself out to be a self made man. My ex was like that...always putting people down. He would call his customers misfits because they asked questions that were on the signs on the wall. So they didn't see the prices for particular items....big deal! I overlook things like that too. So when he called them misfits, he was calling me one too. He puts people down for using coupons. He's poor and never uses coupons. He didn't even have a home of his own and refused to use coupons. When people who look like they have money use coupons he gets mad and tells me "people should live within their means." He feels well-off people should not use coupons. So what if they do? It's a free country. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 BaB, (you always know you've 'arrived', when certain members shorten your forum-name! ) Are all these questions still 'swirling' or has it slowed to a more sedentary eddy...? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BewitchedandBothered Posted April 2, 2012 Author Share Posted April 2, 2012 BaB, (you always know you've 'arrived', when certain members shorten your forum-name! ) Are all these questions still 'swirling' or has it slowed to a more sedentary eddy...? Hi there, sweet friend:) I feel like I have arrived;) Either that or my name is too long to type, LOL!! It has slowed down to a more sedentary eddy. Once in awhile I get a little 'ouch' when I think of things, but I recall what you said about supposing things that may not even be happening. I'm feeling more at peace about things; leaning towards acceptance. He is a big waste of my time; he can be someone else's, LOL;) Link to post Share on other sites
Author BewitchedandBothered Posted April 2, 2012 Author Share Posted April 2, 2012 In an ideal world,he would realize what he lost. But he doesn't give himself the time to think and heal; he just hurries and scurries to find someone to fill the empty slot. He has hatred for me because I ripped off his 'mask'. He quickly remedied that by making up lies about me, telling people I am insane, that I have 5 Facebook aliases that I used to friend his friends to spy on him===yes and now he actually believes it. Says he has proof. 2 women unblocked me and apologized for that and saw him for what he was. That was a nice start. I wasn't imagining it. I literally thought I was going bonkers. He trashed me to his ex wife when he was texting her wanting her back---during the time we dated--she told me this once. He trashed her to me, saying she is a psycho lesbian. He also got upset when I would accept a friend request from some of his friends---all 200 are female. He told me that I may as well get with these women and become lesbian. He is fixated on that. Funny thing and a little irony....Because of his ex now marrying another woman, he has resented and hated gays. Does not understand it and frowns upon it....his new g/f is pro gay marriage;)~ Anyhoo...Does it still sting? Surely, but not as badly as when I started this thread. I was having terrible confusion and doubting myself. But talking with people on here about it and some relating===having a fellow with identical behaviors is very comforting to know I am not alone in this. And also that he's not going to just live happily ever after because he has not addressed his own issues. He just meets new women and worships them *his term*, to cover up what he should have taken time to address and heal. Any time there was a breakup he was right there record speed on the dating sites searching for his next one. And his ex g/f said and I quote "I couldn't stand him back then and I think he is a lot worse now".---he mentally abused her big time. This was in the late 80s before meeting his ex wife. When he and I started talking, I remember him talking trash about her; I knew her in school and defended her. He said "well you don't know her like I know her"--he never told me they dated--I found out from her when she heard I was sobbing over him. He asked her out a couple years ago, just to catch up. She reluctantly agreed. when she heard through the grapevine what happened, she looked me up and called me. Told me he never changed, he is still the creep she remembered back then. Felt compelled to share that. PS...He called her over the Summer to trash me to her; got infuriated that she defended me; he said to her "you don't know her like I know her..."Shaking my head.....To this day tells people "you will see what she really is...give it time!!"==which is partly why it was difficult for me to just let go. The hatred he has when all I did was defend myself. Link to post Share on other sites
CopingGal Posted May 19, 2012 Share Posted May 19, 2012 B and B, Have you had anymore contact with the nauseating bombaclot? Link to post Share on other sites
Tree_Salmon Posted May 19, 2012 Share Posted May 19, 2012 Bewitched, I believe you are the female version of me. Pleasure to meet you! 1. Analyze until the cows come home - Check. 2. Pitch the collateral from the relationship - Check. 3. Expect others to be gentle and kind - Check. 4. Hoping for justice - Check. Honestly, you give great advice on here. I am very surprised that you are struggling. You need to take some of your own advice and flush him from your world. He means nothing. You have so much more value than he does. Don't waste your brain cycles solving the impossible problem. We're usually really good at dishing out great practical advice to people but not as good on taking it ourselves. This relationship mimics my own in some ways so I'll tell you that you will NEVER get the answers you want. You already know all the real answers anyway. This guy is a douche and you shouldn't have stayed with him the second he crossed one of your boundaries, which in this case was "i want people to know about me". Trust me when I tell you I've been through that. Be glad you didnt waste even more time on this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CopingGal Posted May 19, 2012 Share Posted May 19, 2012 I'm actually embarassed when I think about how much I put up with. But I'm proud of myself for leaving him and never asking him to take me back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tree_Salmon Posted May 19, 2012 Share Posted May 19, 2012 I'm actually embarassed when I think about how much I put up with. But I'm proud of myself for leaving him and never asking him to take me back. Yeah I'm embarrassed too but we did it out of love or whatever so i guess its not all bad. Sometimes we have to be selfish with our needs too. If someone isn't giving you what you would give them then you have to move on. Sounds much easier than it is but it's so true. When i think of all the people I missed out on these last two years I get angry at myself. But I was thinking with my heart and not my brain. Plus the fear of getting older and not finding someone as compatible gets in your head too. In any case, sounds like this is the best thing you could have done. This guy is a major douche. There are lots of great people who'd be proud to tell everyone about you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BewitchedandBothered Posted May 20, 2012 Author Share Posted May 20, 2012 B and B, Have you had anymore contact with the nauseating bombaclot?LOVE that name, LOL; no I haven't heard a thing, but was told he took down the pictures of him and his new g/f==took it off public anyway. It will be a year in August that he tried contacting me, but I ignored. I was upset because I thought I caused the abuse and he will treat his new g/f like a queen while I got all the crappy abuse. He was proud to show her off and all his friends left comments about how pretty she is, etc., looks like they had a fun day--that kind of thing. I was kept a secret. I will never get answers for it; but once in awhile if the mood hits me, I will wonder, but then it passes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BewitchedandBothered Posted May 20, 2012 Author Share Posted May 20, 2012 We're usually really good at dishing out great practical advice to people but not as good on taking it ourselves. This relationship mimics my own in some ways so I'll tell you that you will NEVER get the answers you want. You already know all the real answers anyway. This guy is a douche and you shouldn't have stayed with him the second he crossed one of your boundaries, which in this case was "i want people to know about me". Trust me when I tell you I've been through that. Be glad you didnt waste even more time on this. You are so very right, Tree. I will always wonder if he will continue his path of hurt with people or could it magically stop. Link to post Share on other sites
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