Derek Posted June 13, 2004 Share Posted June 13, 2004 Hey, Here's a little advice to everyone on this page. Think about this. Modern day culture has everyone believing that love is when "you truly need this ONE person" your "ONE and ONLY", but the truth is, it's not. You don't really need anyone in particular. As much as that really does suck, it's true. Yes, it is a natural human need to be accepted and be around other people, BUT not any one person in particular. I have been through this same position several times, and I have only recently realized the key... You have to realize that if you did truly love the person that you are with, then that means that you would do ANYTHING for them, no matter how painful it is for you, even if it means giving them up just so that they can be happy. If it makes them happy to be away from you, then you'll be happy too, because it makes THEM happy. If you truly love them, that is. You don't need anyone, you can want them with all of your heart, but you don't need anyone, LOVE was meant for EVERYONE.... We should all love everyone equally!!! Not just one person... If it was meant to be, it will happen anyway. Whether you try to make it work or not! So, let it happen, try writing, listening to music, anything to get the pain to a bearable minimum, and let your feelings sift down and go away, or at least be bearable. And after a while, maybe you will be together, if not- at least she will be happier without you, which reallly really sucks, but at the same time, it's right... Love can suck, but it can also be the most beautiful thing in the world, so just have as much fun with your friends as you can, give them some space, and call back a few months from now, and try being their friend. Maybe things will get back to where they were. MAYBE... Your friend, Derek Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted June 13, 2004 Share Posted June 13, 2004 "Modern day culture has everyone believing that love is when "you truly need this ONE person" your "ONE and ONLY", but the truth is, it's not. You don't really need anyone in particular." Sorry, maybe I was away on vacation but I never heard that. My approach to romance is that once I'm ready to settle down I will meet a kind lady with whom I am exceptionally compatible, for whom I feel affection, and whom I feel a desire to be with for a long time...and then consider marriage as viable. The truth is we don't really need anybody in particular. But let me also give you some advice. This is the kind of stuff you ought to keep to yourself in a romantic situation. People you pursue will want to hear that they are very special to you and that they ARE the one...the SPECIAL one. If you give a lady the kind of lines you have provided above, you won't get past first base. What you have written may all be brutally true but there's not an ounce of romance in it and people desire romance a lot more than they desire raw truth sometimes. Get it? Can you imagine a guy proposing to a lady: "I don't need you, there are others out there who would be just as right for me but since you're here now and I love you will you marry me." Her response: "Go screw yourself!" Link to post Share on other sites
capitald Posted June 13, 2004 Share Posted June 13, 2004 Good advice Tony!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted June 13, 2004 Share Posted June 13, 2004 As noble as it is for you to want to share what you have learned with everyone here, you might want to come up with a subject line that will make folks want to read it. What you've got up there creates the impression that you believe absolutely no one here has any sort of wisdom (or experience or whatever) whatsoever and that you are the only one to impart it. There may be some here who have already figured this info out for themselves and (perhaps) share your view. As for others, there's that old (and oh so wise) saying: "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear". ....What you have written may all be brutally true but there's not an ounce of romance in it and people desire romance a lot more than they desire raw truth sometimes. Get it?...... Indeed - well said, Tony! Link to post Share on other sites
Cupcake Posted June 13, 2004 Share Posted June 13, 2004 I agree with the orgnl post. It is sooo sad, but sooo true. It's a mystery to me....why do people get married and start families? Link to post Share on other sites
BlockHead Posted June 13, 2004 Share Posted June 13, 2004 The cold hard truth is not something you should share with the woman you love. She will never forgive you for destroying her delusion. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 13, 2004 Share Posted June 13, 2004 Well, now see, the way I figure it is this, while I agree that people ought not 'need' a person (because people ought to stand on their own, etc.), in the other sense; i.e. that anybody will do, it's clearly not the case. Let's revisit You don't really need anyone in particular in the context of : a kind lady with whom I am exceptionally compatible, for whom I feel affection, and whom I feel a desire to be with for a long time... it ends up boiling down to - a person in particular. Or maybe any of a few people, but you can't just go out and pick a few women out of a crowd and figure one of them will suit. Lord knows most people on this site have found it difficult enough to find people with one or two of those qualifications, much less all four!!! In fact, we may think that what we hope to find is a fairly easy order to fill - but the very facts of our lives prove exactly opposite. Some folks on this site have dated many people - and have yet to find someone who makes it past the first couple of qualifications. So I'd say that the argument which was made in support of the first poster actually refuted his claim. People you pursue will want to hear that they are very special to you and that they ARE the one...the SPECIAL one I used to think that I wasn't looking for anybody all that special. I also used to think that most people had ok parents, grew up in safe households, and managed to grow up without being too badly damaged psychologically. We grow up and find out that lots of people are much worse off than we ever suspected, that the world is actually a really difficult place, and that sometimes just finding a kind person is a huge chore. So in the end, Tony and everyone else, when you find the persom who manages to meet all those qualifications to the extent that you actually want to spend a long time with that person, then that individual WILL be special. If people suitable for one to marry were not extremely rare, everyone would be married already and having a perfectly fine time Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted June 13, 2004 Share Posted June 13, 2004 Originally posted by Derek Hey, Here's a little advice to everyone on this page. Think about this. Modern day culture has everyone believing that love is when "you truly need this ONE person" your "ONE and ONLY", but the truth is, it's not. I have never been taught that love is NEEDING. Additionally, if you are getting into the topic of a "one and only" you are covering only one very small part of "love". You don't really need anyone in particular. Sure you do. If you are going to love a person, for whatever reason, you still need a person to love. As much as that really does suck, it's true. Yes, it is a natural human need to be accepted and be around other people, BUT not any one person in particular. Yes it is. Humans will seek out attention from one particular person, be it a teacher, a parent, or another person that they are particularly fond of. I have been through this same position several times, and I have only recently realized the key... You have to realize that if you did truly love the person that you are with, then that means that you would do ANYTHING for them, no matter how painful it is for you, even if it means giving them up just so that they can be happy. People have to earn my trust, and they have to work up to me loving them. There is no "love by default" in my world. Love is not a trade-off. I see absolutely no reason for me to become utterly miserable just to make someone I fancy happy. I HAVE TO BE HAPPY AS WELL, or the "love" thing just is not working out. Caring for someone involves sacrifices, but one should not feel forced into making a sacrifice he or she is not comfortable with, simply to "prove" their "love" for another. HAVING to make painful sacrifices is not a requirement of love. I think it is more that you would CHOOSE to do such things. Everyone, however, has a limit. For example: I have a few very odd, yet quite firm, beliefs concerning medicine. If someone I loved dearly needed a transplant for some type of organ, and I was a valid donor, I would most likely not donate. I would expect that person to respect my beliefs. I don't care how much I love them. If I am not comfortable doing something like that, and I feel perfectly justified in my decision, than they are going to have to respect that. It does not mean I love them any less. I would of course have to be faced with such a situation, but I have a right to my own beliefs, and I should not feel that I MUST do something simply because I care for another. If it makes them happy to be away from you, then you'll be happy too, because it makes THEM happy. I do not think that anyone can TRULY love then, as I can think of no one who could be truly happy leaving someone else who no longer desires to be with them. That is, provided we are using your rules and guidelines for what love is. If you truly love them, that is. You don't need anyone, you can want them with all of your heart, but you don't need anyone, LOVE was meant for EVERYONE.... We should all love everyone equally!!! Not just one person... If it was meant to be, it will happen anyway. So you are saying it is quite perfectly fine for me to go around and have sexual relationships with multitudes of people with whom I am not acquainted. Sex is something that I reserve for one special person that I "love" or care very deeply for. If I do not need one person in particular, how about you introduce me to your sister? Or perhaps a cousin? What about your SO? By your thinking I should be able to go around and freely do anything I want with anyone else. I think that all sounds rather ridiculous. There are people in this world who are undeserving of love or compassion, as they themselves have chosen that path. Love is to be earned, just as friendship, respect and trust need to be earned. I will not "love everyone equally", as I think that is complete loony talk right there. I have respect for my fellow man, but I will hand out my love, friendship, trust and respect levels in ways that I personally feel appropriate. I will agree that an individual does not NEED someone. Whether you try to make it work or not! So, let it happen, try writing, listening to music, anything to get the pain to a bearable minimum, and let your feelings sift down and go away, or at least be bearable. And after a while, maybe you will be together, if not- at least she will be happier without you, which reallly really sucks, but at the same time, it's right... Love can suck, but it can also be the most beautiful thing in the world, so just have as much fun with your friends as you can, give them some space, and call back a few months from now, and try being their friend. Maybe things will get back to where they were. MAYBE... Your friend, Derek If someone leaves me, they are showing that they have no desire to remain in a relationship with me, ergo they do not "love" me. If they cared, they would be willing to work things out. I am not going to sit around and wait for someone. When a relationship is over it is over, and I am not going to pursue it any longer or be hopeful for a possible reuniting. You are correct in that if something happens down the line it will happen, but very rarely does this fanciful thinking ever lead to tangible fruition. "Letting someone go" because you love them, I think, is nutso talk. If it were love, the two people would find a way of staying together. I see no reason to make myself depressed while someone else flourishes. I am certain there are rare circumstances in which, if I cared deeply for someone and it would in fact be best for them to be alone, I would gladly oblige. If someone does not wish to remain with me anymore, however, then the relationship is finished, and I would not hold onto fancicul notions of, "I loved her so much, that I set her free." It is possible, I have noticed, after nearly a year or more than a year has passed to attempt a friendship with an ex. As far as "space" is concerned, when a relationship has ended "space" is usually best shown through absolutely no contact — not even waving "hello". Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 13, 2004 Share Posted June 13, 2004 And if people are advocating 'settling' - think again. Most women aren't that easily fooled. Settling doesn't work - just another road to hell, that is. Link to post Share on other sites
sweetie7 Posted June 13, 2004 Share Posted June 13, 2004 Love isn't needing someone, it's wanting someone. I think many people on this site miss their bfs/gfs and "want" them back. If not, then they will soon see they don't "need" them nor "want" them. Anyway, I'm not a big believer in "if it was meant to be then it will be" Nothing can BE in this world without work and effort. Things don't just happen unless you communicate and work together. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueLP Posted June 13, 2004 Share Posted June 13, 2004 Derek, without judging the truth of what you say, I'd note that people are never going to be able to just "realize" something in such a logical manner as you describe. This is something that happens all the time on this site...people giving "logical" advice to others who just aren't ready to absorb it into their wounded/exposed hearts. You're cutting out the emotional part of the picture, and how we tend to learn primarily from our own experiences. We respond according to our emotions as well as what we logically think we should do. I hope you aren't expressing frustration with the struggles of people here. Love seems so difficult a thing to learn vicariously through others...it can happen, but it sure isn't easy. It unites us in that we all can experience it, but it divides us because it is such a unique, personal, intimate experience. I think people here should be encouraged to struggle and make their own successes and mistakes, with the support and guidance of others along the way. They shouldn't need to all make some logical realization and move on their way. This is part of the process. It sounds like even your own personal truths you ascribe partly to your own experiences, and presumably to past emotional ups and downs. Everyone here who is seeking support is struggling with those same emotions as well. Let's be patient, I think everyone needs to figure out for themselves what they believe. Link to post Share on other sites
sid3 Posted June 14, 2004 Share Posted June 14, 2004 I am not a big fan of "if it's ment to be" just a cop out I think. How can things just be? That would mean there is no free will, like she said work and effort. EVERY Relationship requires it. How much may very. I am on this site because I very much want my x girlfriend back, I made some mistakes with things like pushing and the dreaded N/C, but I am human, I strive to improve, not for perfection. I think the post is disheartening. Maybe if I had been brought up differently or had different values I would not be at such a loss right now, and I would agree with the post. I know there are plenty of fish in the sea, but I have lost a human being who was my world, I could care less about the fish. Faux reply depresses the hell out of me. Wow, I hope my ex doesn't think like that. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted June 14, 2004 Share Posted June 14, 2004 If someone leaves me, they are showing that they have no desire to remain in a relationship with me, ergo they do not "love" me. If they cared, they would be willing to work things out. I am not going to sit around and wait for someone. When a relationship is over it is over, and I am not going to pursue it any longer or be hopeful for a possible reuniting. You are correct in that if something happens down the line it will happen, but very rarely does this fanciful thinking ever lead to tangible fruition. That's a very egocentric viewpoint. It's healthy in a way, and it's also a defense mechanism against being hurt. If it were love, the two people would find a way of staying together. I see no reason to make myself depressed while someone else flourishes. Real life isn't so cut and dried, sometimes people lose their way and need time to think thru things. Having another person they care so much about that their emotions overwhelme them prevents them from working thru the issues. They need "space" and "time". And yes, alot of people use those words as a cover for what they really feel when they've just grown tired of someone. Sorting out the good and the bad can be difficult, but not all scenarios are bad. If someone does not wish to remain with me anymore, however, then the relationship is finished, and I would not hold onto fancicul notions of, "I loved her so much, that I set her free." Interesting how you turned that around to be about you being magnanimous. Most people here are discussing the concept that if someone leaves you and comes back to you then it was meant to be. Though I agree with the idea that "setting someone free" who has in fact left you is ridiculous. It is possible, I have noticed, after nearly a year or more than a year has passed to attempt a friendship with an ex. My experience is that women usually reach out much earlier than that in a naive attempt to pretend that the other person will just pretend nothing ever happened and they can have their cake and eat it too. (or not eat it as the case may be...) As far as "space" is concerned, when a relationship has ended "space" is usually best shown through absolutely no contact — not even waving "hello". If the goal is to permanently break with someone then that it true. But this thread is called "second chances", not "debunk the concept of second chances". Ahh, but all viewpoints should be considered I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
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