So messed up.

[bjm44]

Ok this post is going to be a long one. I am a 34 male who has been in a 10 year toxic relationship. I was (recovering) a very codependent man who was very verbally abusive to my girlfriend. She suffers from bipolar disorder and I grew up in a very abusive home which saw my dad and mom abuse each other all the time. It was like they hated each other. My 10 year relationship with my current girlfriend has been an almost exact replica without the physical abuse. as long as i can remember i have struggled with low self esteem and social anxiety disorder. My current gf and I got together mostly because we did not want to be alone and never thought anyone else would ever want us.

 

All these years I always thought this whole problem was mine, she always told me i was the worst, that her other boyfriends were better then me etc etc but she never left even though I prayed to god she would. She would always cry or use i would do it for u to get her own way.

We run a small rabbit rescue here and although at first i was skeptical about taking care of animals i completely fell in love with all these helpless little animals and they have now become my passion in life. Before this i felt so lost, like i never had a purpose. Helping them and seeing them happy brings me more joy then I have ever had. Last march, I made a decision i thought was right and the rabbit died. It really hurt me beyond belief. Anyways my gf asked a girl who worked at our vets office to talk to me to try and help me grieve, she has always had a problem with being there and our communications were always arguments. So anyways this girl who is married became my best friend. After a few months, we fell hard for each other. She left her husband and I left my girlfriend. She made me feel so loved and never once put me down. We shared the same passion for animals, had everything in common. She loved me so much and I her. Then in september, i just pulled back for fear of abandonment. As horrible a relationship i had with my current gf. I broke things off with this girl and went back. During the month I was alone, I went through the worst and best experiences of my life. I went through a depression that saw me stay in bed for weeks and contemplate suicide. Despite me choosing my gf, the other woman came over to be with me when i was at my worst well my current gf had to get up early and couldnt be bothered. That girl went back to her husband and we have still talk. Since I hit rock bottom, i have been to therapy and realized all the things i have done and why i did them. I have read many books and am constantly getting to know myself. I no longer get angry, been 6 months now since i lost my temper. I understand why now. Anyways, her husband found out about us and demanded we stop being friends. The 4 days we didnt talk were the longest 4 days of my life. I felt so lost without her. I have since realized that i am still crazy in love with someone elses wife and she with me but now I am with someone else whom I will be breaking up with soon because we are not and never were happy. Being alone wld make me happier. She still doesnt get it though.

 

My question how long should i wait before I let her know how i feel. I know she and husband will be divorcing and I will be single. or should i just maintain friendship and play it safe. I just could not stand to hurt this girl and would rather spend a lifetime alone then be the cause of tears for her. BTW, during the time we have known each other, we have not argued once. I respect her so much. I have always been able to put up walls with people but with her its like my heart is wax and she is the flame that melts it. I know it sounds sappy but i was never a romantic til her either. Its a side of me that scares me.

 

PS please dont judge me for my past abusive side. I am well on my way to changing and i have never ever raised my voice with this other girl.