control and punishment?!

[monica]

well the only reason i came back after i said i wouldn't is cause tony welcomed me back if need be, and need be has come, so thank you tony.

 

my bf left me last night cause of my jealousy and i can't even blame him, i'm surprised he stuck with me this long, over two years.

 

well last night as i lay trying to sleep, which i didnt, maybe a totaly of two hours. i heard myself rehearsing some of our conversations and was quite surprised to realize that i punishment him so much, well at least in my head.

 

for instance; when we'd fight about his beer consumption and break a promise about it, i hear myself saying, "just for that your not drinking for a month"! he's 42! or what ever way i would think of to punish him, but at least the punishment would fit the "crime".

 

where did that behavior come from? geez, i can't believe myself. i can see how i need to control, i can feel the feeling that is so overwhelming rising up in me when something is threatening me to protect myself.

 

i don't know where this originated, or how the punishment thing came into play. i've never followed through though with telling him his punishments tho, i'd say it to myself, then plan how i'd carry it out so he'd learn his lesson.

 

well all along i'm the one that needed to learn the lesson, and if he comes back, which i hope he does, then i'll be more tolerant and loving and am going to counseling oct 11th for an intake appt. but the counseling appt. may take another two weeks to a month to get.

 

why is it that when he is here and arguing i don't care if he leaves, but when he is gone all i want is for him to come back? i don't get that at all. any advise would be so appreciated..............again! thank you all who listens to me.............p.s. this board is another we actually fight about, he thinks i'm brain washed about things that i've posted here.............

[jane]

a

well the only reason i came back after i said i wouldn't is cause tony welcomed me back if need be, and need be has come, so thank you tony. my bf left me last night cause of my jealousy and i can't even blame him, i'm surprised he stuck with me this long, over two years. well last night as i lay trying to sleep, which i didnt, maybe a totaly of two hours. i heard myself rehearsing some of our conversations and was quite surprised to realize that i punishment him so much, well at least in my head. for instance; when we'd fight about his beer consumption and break a promise about it, i hear myself saying, "just for that your not drinking for a month"! he's 42! or what ever way i would think of to punish him, but at least the punishment would fit the "crime". where did that behavior come from? geez, i can't believe myself. i can see how i need to control, i can feel the feeling that is so overwhelming rising up in me when something is threatening me to protect myself. i don't know where this originated, or how the punishment thing came into play. i've never followed through though with telling him his punishments tho, i'd say it to myself, then plan how i'd carry it out so he'd learn his lesson. well all along i'm the one that needed to learn the lesson, and if he comes back, which i hope he does, then i'll be more tolerant and loving and am going to counseling oct 11th for an intake appt. but the counseling appt. may take another two weeks to a month to get. why is it that when he is here and arguing i don't care if he leaves, but when he is gone all i want is for him to come back? i don't get that at all. any advise would be so appreciated..............again! thank you all who listens to me.............p.s. this board is another we actually fight about, he thinks i'm brain washed about things that i've posted here.............

[Tony T]

"just for that your not drinking for a month"!

 

That is something you would say to a child. Adults don't punish adults. You may have seen your guy as a child because his sneaky behavior was rather childish. However, you cannot have an adult relationship with a child...you need a MAN.

 

You may want him back because you miss some aspects of him or you may fee insecure about finding someone else who you can love...but, believe me, in time you will know that you did the right thing. Get over him, heal, and find yourself a MAN you don't need to punish or otherwise raise.

 

There are lots of men out there who would love you who are responsible, non-drinkers, caring, loving, and most of all GROWN UP!!! You have a lot to look forward to. You don't need a child to raise at this point and you don't need such chaos in your life.

 

Sure, you will be down for a while but this will be a period of growth and reflection. If you find yourself tempted to backslide and get back with this child, just be sure you are ready for motherhood.

[Deejette]

It is never a good thing to threaten punishment to adults if they don't behave according to your wishes. If they don't want to change on their own, and explicitly state so, it is pointless to keep trying to get them to conform to your ideals.

 

It is much better to let them know how much their behavior makes you feel bad and hurts you. If they continue in it, then obviously, hurting you is not enough to make them stop. It is much better to move on, with your new knowledge of what you really want in a man. For example, if a man drinks heavily, I won't even let him in my life to start with. That way I won't have to spend so much time trying to change him and just enjoy him for the person he is.

"just for that your not drinking for a month"! That is something you would say to a child. Adults don't punish adults. You may have seen your guy as a child because his sneaky behavior was rather childish. However, you cannot have an adult relationship with a child...you need a MAN. You may want him back because you miss some aspects of him or you may fee insecure about finding someone else who you can love...but, believe me, in time you will know that you did the right thing. Get over him, heal, and find yourself a MAN you don't need to punish or otherwise raise. There are lots of men out there who would love you who are responsible, non-drinkers, caring, loving, and most of all GROWN UP!!! You have a lot to look forward to. You don't need a child to raise at this point and you don't need such chaos in your life. Sure, you will be down for a while but this will be a period of growth and reflection. If you find yourself tempted to backslide and get back with this child, just be sure you are ready for motherhood.