I screwed up.

[Itsonlyme66]

well, I was doing "good" - relatively speaking within whatever "good" is supposed to mean.

 

Then last Sunday, I called him 1x and hung up.

I don't know why I did it.

I'm afraid of being forgotten, I guess.

I feel "outed" like I never meant anything.

 

Then 2 days later, I canceled a 1 year old friend request from FB to him. THEN I read that it may come through in their email that you were requesting them! So I worried about that, but I canceled it so oh well.

 

Then 3 days later, I called. I know his passcode to his phone. I called hoping he wouldn't answer. He didn't. Then I logged the code in to see if he's already with someone new, as is his M.O. But there were no messages.

 

What is wrong with me?

I look foolish. He knows I called (not that I got into VM) but he knows I called now 2x in a week.

 

I am vowing my NC contract with myself and I want to stick to it. This is ridiculous.

I don't want to feel like this anymore!

And I keep reaching out like a fool.

 

God I wish I had never met him!

[TaraMaiden]

He doesn't know why you called him.

For all he knows, it might have been important.

but the fact that he hasn't got back in touch with you to find out, is further evidence of his callous and uncaring attitude.

 

You dodged a bullet, hun.... imagine how you would be feeling now, if he had replied - and treated you like dirt on the 'phone.....

[BewitchedandBothered]

Tell him you butt dialed him and it won't happen again. I am glad he did not answer for your sake. This wound is still very raw. No more contact unless it is urgent having to do with the kids.

[Itsonlyme66]

LOL

Oh Lord, trying to see the humor in all the travesty and tragedy.

I know, I would have died if he had picked up.

Screw it, I would have hung up.

 

I'm not some kid, I'm 45 years old! WTH is wrong with me?

Trauma bonded?

Cognitive Dissonance?

 

I'm an expert now (thanks to Jack) on bipolar, narcissist, avoidant personality disorders the and like. I could counsel people on Cluster B!

 

So why am I still stuck?

Why do I care?

 

And again, I'm glad he didn't pick up, really.

I have good days and bad days. But all of the days feel empty right now.

This was not how 6 years was supposed to go down.

[Itsonlyme66]

There would be no "kid" issues.

BUT we do own the house together.

 

So eventually I expect some form of communication on it, since basically I'm paying his mortgage.

 

I can't be mad about that, though, because 5 years ago when he moved in he got my home re-financed in his name and we're both on the deed, and it was a verbal understanding that it was still "my" house and with his credit he would be able to cut my payments in half since he was going to live here anyway.

 

He paid all the other bills (electric, utility, etc)

I paid the mortgage.

 

Thing is with him gone I'm struggling to pay it all.

And he's like oh well, gotta leave nothing here is changing to my liking, etc.

 

He won't even tell me where he's living. Not that I need to know. u know? But it's like that's how much he wanted to cease all contact.

 

Then he first left and he emailed me about his "new life".... alone, hard working, the gym, the apt he's in, etc.

 

And I said WHY are you telling me this when I don't even know where you live; yet you are giving me a visual on the room??? why?

 

And after that he dropped silent.

 

it's awful.

I figure he's lied before, and he's probably living with a poor soul or has had something going on with someone else before he left. You don't just - after a SMALL argument - state "I don't love you. I want to leave." unless there are other circumstances preceding it.

 

I'll never know.

And that's what makes it so hard to put one foot in front of the other.

Jesus, I loved this guy.

[BewitchedandBothered]

There would be no "kid" issues.

BUT we do own the house together.

 

So eventually I expect some form of communication on it, since basically I'm paying his mortgage.

 

I can't be mad about that, though, because 5 years ago when he moved in he got my home re-financed in his name and we're both on the deed, and it was a verbal understanding that it was still "my" house and with his credit he would be able to cut my payments in half since he was going to live here anyway.

 

He paid all the other bills (electric, utility, etc)

I paid the mortgage.

 

Thing is with him gone I'm struggling to pay it all.

And he's like oh well, gotta leave nothing here is changing to my liking, etc.

 

He won't even tell me where he's living. Not that I need to know. u know? But it's like that's how much he wanted to cease all contact.

 

Then he first left and he emailed me about his "new life".... alone, hard working, the gym, the apt he's in, etc.

 

And I said WHY are you telling me this when I don't even know where you live; yet you are giving me a visual on the room??? why?

 

And after that he dropped silent.

 

it's awful.

I figure he's lied before, and he's probably living with a poor soul or has had something going on with someone else before he left. You don't just - after a SMALL argument - state "I don't love you. I want to leave." unless there are other circumstances preceding it.

 

I'll never know.

And that's what makes it so hard to put one foot in front of the other.

Jesus, I loved this guy.

 

what you loved was an illusion and then his true, icky, slimy colors came out. It's like when we read Harlequin romance novels, we are in love with the leading man. We get so into the book and then when the book is over, we are still crushing on that guy, but he does not exist.

 

What got me through was remembering how my ex looked nekkid. He wore a tshirt during what he considered sex (he was always flaccid and blamed that on me) and now whenever I see winnie the Pooh, I think of my ex during the 'act', LOL!!! And now this new one has to deal with that mess==and he gained even more weight since I saw him last. I got a huge laugh last night and thought "what on earth was I thinking and was I on something??"

 

You will get to this point. But right now, there is nothing that could be gained by calling this douche nozzle. He would love every second of you calling for his pride===remember how he is, narcissistic, they LOVE when we appear to grovel. If my ex were in trouble and I could make only one phone call, I would use that call to order me a pizza. THAT is how awful he was.

 

I wonder if you could sell your home and get an apartment to cut on expenses. You are paying way too much for his stuff. Let the healing begin and do NOT call that oaf.

[Itsonlyme66]

I love that! Oaf.

what a great word when used in the right context.

 

I am paying too much, but again you're missing where I said we had this verbal agreement that he was "doing me a favor" signing his name onto the mortgage.

 

He did this so I would get 1/2 the payment I was paying (thanks to the other gambling ex and the liens HE ran up. So in a way, Jack was "to the rescue".

 

Jack told me if anything ever happened the house would be my responsibility.

 

Jack often talked of wanting his own house - i would say this IS your house! It's my house, it's OUR house! He never felt it was "his" because I wouldn't let him impose the "rules" on MY kids, etc.

 

So he's off getting in shape, buff, whatever. He's off living life large.

He's saving his money for HIS life and HIS future.

 

He told me if I can't afford it, sell it. Let the bank take it. Whatever.

Seriously!

 

I would walk away but here are two reasons it is not possible:

 

1. My daughter starts school 12 houses away this year. So she will literally be in her "a-rated" school in our neighborhood for the next 3 years.

 

2. My mom. She's 90. She lives directly across the street. She needs help daily, and she literally purchased THAT house because I lived HERE.

 

So you see the dilemma.

[TaraMaiden]

Can you move in with your mom, and put that house on the market?

 

Get a lawyer to force him to sell.....?

 

you should consult one anyway... simply because you have a dilemma, doesn't mean it has no solution....

[BewitchedandBothered]

I love that! Oaf.

what a great word when used in the right context.

 

I am paying too much, but again you're missing where I said we had this verbal agreement that he was "doing me a favor" signing his name onto the mortgage.

 

He did this so I would get 1/2 the payment I was paying (thanks to the other gambling ex and the liens HE ran up. So in a way, Jack was "to the rescue".

 

Jack told me if anything ever happened the house would be my responsibility.

 

Jack often talked of wanting his own house - i would say this IS your house! It's my house, it's OUR house! He never felt it was "his" because I wouldn't let him impose the "rules" on MY kids, etc.

 

So he's off getting in shape, buff, whatever. He's off living life large.

He's saving his money for HIS life and HIS future.

 

He told me if I can't afford it, sell it. Let the bank take it. Whatever.

Seriously!

 

I would walk away but here are two reasons it is not possible:

 

1. My daughter starts school 12 houses away this year. So she will literally be in her "a-rated" school in our neighborhood for the next 3 years.

 

2. My mom. She's 90. She lives directly across the street. She needs help daily, and she literally purchased THAT house because I lived HERE.

 

So you see the dilemma.

 

Move in with your Mom. Walk away; a verbal agreement is not in writing; walk away and live with your Mom so you can take care of her and be in a better place and in your daughter's school district.

[Itsonlyme66]

Mom's 90. Doesn't want the kids. can't handle them.

plus, picture Edith Bunker mixed with Everybody Loves Raymond's mom.

She can only be taken in small doses.

 

she's too old.

 

I can't sell because we are $70 under in the house.

Believe me, if we had a big asset in this house, I bet he would not have left.

That's how he is. Everything is for him. ALL ABOUT HIM always.

 

So that answer of moving in with mom won't work.

 

And I am struggling again with NC to him. I feel like telling him off.

Imagine telling me he would think of me on his deathbed, that we would be "friends" (yeah what friends do not even call one another?)

What a LIAR.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Mom's 90. Doesn't want the kids. can't handle them.

plus, picture Edith Bunker mixed with Everybody Loves Raymond's mom.

She can only be taken in small doses.

 

she's too old.

 

I can't sell because we are $70 under in the house.

Believe me, if we had a big asset in this house, I bet he would not have left.

That's how he is. Everything is for him. ALL ABOUT HIM always.

 

So that answer of moving in with mom won't work.

 

And I am struggling again with NC to him. I feel like telling him off.

Imagine telling me he would think of me on his deathbed, that we would be "friends" (yeah what friends do not even call one another?)

What a LIAR.

 

Your Mom is your mom; you are taking care of her and your kids aren't screaming toddlers. they are in school all day. It's his house to sell, you can walk away. Tell her it will be temporary; you are there to care for her anyway. And maybe you can buy her house from her. My Dad bought his house from his Father at 1.00 and a handshake; that's how it was. Your ex is a liar and a smacked a*s.

[Itsonlyme66]

He's a d*ck.

 

Trying to scrape up the mess he left.

 

I need some time to figure out what is best for me and the kids now, as He certainly has figured out what is best for HIM.

 

I still want so badly to call and tell him what I REALLY think.

Not that it would matter a whit to him.

but dammit our last communication I took blame for EVERYTHING and was begging and he was like, "sorry, no. take care."

I feel like a frigging idiot.

 

He has no clue that it was HIM the whole time! That HE was the catalyst to our problems and it wasn't me because as he often said, I was the glue that held us together.

 

Well the glue has dried out!

Nobody says they care and then doesn't show it.

If they do, they are a smack-ass. yes.

[Itsonlyme66]

Plus I think he's a cheating whore.

 

No forwarding address?

No communication?

 

really? yeah ok.

like he isn't hiding something. right!

[LuckyLady13]

You said you love or loved this guy. I want to tell you about a situation I found myself in. I was only 16 at the time but this still totally pertains to what you're going through.

 

I met this guy. Sweeeeeeeeeeeet! Good looking, smart and buying me roses. We listened to the same music. Talked for hours on end and had this absolutely amazing chemistry. We got so close so fast. He wanted me to spend every minute of the day with him and I wasn't complaining. I was having a lot of fun with him. We had a really obsessive relationship but we were both happy so we didn't care.

 

Things changed. They changed a lot.

 

Long story short, he got so controlling and paranoid of losing me that he nailed the windows in the bedroom shut, set the room on fire and went outside the room to hold the door shut. He was trying to get me to swear I wanted to still be with him and I wouldn't leave and he knew I was terrified and phobic of house fires. I had to swear, beg and plead for him to believe that I wouldn't leave him.

 

He let me out and put the fire out.

 

Shortly after this, when the coast looked clear enough, I BOLTED! I had to deal with 6 months of him stalking me, terrorizing my friends and hurting people trying to get to me. I think I moved 3 times in those 6 months to hide from him.

 

This is where I think I relate to how you feel:

 

Can you believe for 3 months after I ran from this nutjob I cried my head off all the time and swore to people I loved him? I was a mess! Even though I was running from him because he was so crazy...I cried the entire time and he was all I could think about 24/7. I just didn't want to get killed. No guy is ever worth that. Not even close.

 

I just want to say that I read your story a little bit (I'm sure I missed a bunch) and I honestly believe this guy was way mentally abusive and playing games with you and I relate to feeling so in love with someone who would run you right into the ground. It fades away. It honestly does.

 

Now I think I was temporarily insane for ever saying I loved him. But it felt 100% real back then.

 

I probably didn't read your entire story but as far as I know this guy hasn't tried to kill you but he really is inside, you know? Mentally and emotionally. You need to run from him equally as bad as I ran from my nutty ex. To save yourself. To heal and to meet a way better guy.

 

There are such better men our there than this guy. I promise.

[Itsonlyme66]

He never tried to lock me in a room like that, Jesus.

On the contrary, he would never discuss our issues at all.

I would have to literally block the front door to keep him from leaving. Needless to say, I ripped a couple of his t-shirts over the years.

I just wanted to be heard.

 

Maybe I'm borderline, who knows. All I know is he was definitely Avoidant, Narc, Bipolar, or all 3. I can't even begin to guess anymore. But I was a co-dependent; that I know.

And I loved him. THAT I know.

 

He wouldn't lock me anywhere, because he didn't 'care' even in a twisted way, enough to do so. He wanted control but if I fought control, he would walk, pure and simple. He knew that was punishment enough.

And this time, it was a doozy. he is really gone.

 

someday maybe I'll thank my guardian angel and my lucky stars, but tonight, it just feels empty. Unfinished, cruel, and sad.

 

I shouldn't have called him.

I'm just so afraid he will forget me.

[LuckyLady13]

He wanted control but if I fought control, he would walk, pure and simple. He knew that was punishment enough.

 

Control freak. This is just a completely different way of going about the exact same thing. Make you feel like he couldn't care less just to totally control you and watch your reaction. The harder you cried, the happier he was.

 

This is mentally and emotionally abusive. And no, you're not bipolar. You feel like you are because this guy was playing games with your head so bad. The sooner you realize you were just reacting to horrible treatment from someone like a normal human being, the better.

 

In the same way my twisted ex locked me in a room to get me to cry and swear on my life I loved him, yours locked you OUT to get you to cry and swear on your life you loved him.

 

See how it's really the same thing?

 

I shouldn't have called him.

I'm just so afraid he will forget me.

 

He can't forget you. He's just being his usual...self. A self absorbed, controlling, narcissistic...(I can't say what I really think about him but I think you know the choice words I'd love to type out right now. )

 

It would be so much better if you forget about him before he gets the chance to forget about you and live a great life. A great life with a great guy you love who loves you in return, makes you feel great inside and never does stuff like this to you.

 

Let him seriously regret everything he did.

[Itsonlyme66]

I actually audibly drew in my breath when I read this:

 

In the same way my twisted ex locked me in a room to get me to cry and swear on my life I loved him, yours locked you OUT to get you to cry and swear on your life you loved him.

 

See how it's really the same thing?

 

wow.

Yes I do see.

 

And he's still shutting me out.

 

He blames me for EVERYTHING that went wrong!

He told me "I'm an easy guy to live with!"

 

WTF is going on here???

 

so I am the bad guy again...at the end of the road. And I'm ignored with no closure, and he had to run away "like the battered wife to hide" is how he put it.

 

He would never resolve anything, never hear me. Always did the opposite of what he knew I needed emotionally.

 

I feel so bad for calling him. I needed to see if he was talking to someone else (I feel he is) - but no proof.

And it is NOT my business.

 

I'm trying real hard here.

it's really, really tough.

 

Going to watch TV now.....

thank you xo

[Itsonlyme66]

He told me his only regret was coming home each time after he dumped me.

 

how's THAT for regrets.

 

nice isn't it?

 

[BewitchedandBothered]

I actually audibly drew in my breath when I read this:

 

In the same way my twisted ex locked me in a room to get me to cry and swear on my life I loved him, yours locked you OUT to get you to cry and swear on your life you loved him.

 

See how it's really the same thing?

 

wow.

Yes I do see.

 

And he's still shutting me out.

 

He blames me for EVERYTHING that went wrong!

He told me "I'm an easy guy to live with!"

 

WTF is going on here???

 

so I am the bad guy again...at the end of the road. And I'm ignored with no closure, and he had to run away "like the battered wife to hide" is how he put it.

 

He would never resolve anything, never hear me. Always did the opposite of what he knew I needed emotionally.

 

I feel so bad for calling him. I needed to see if he was talking to someone else (I feel he is) - but no proof.

And it is NOT my business.

 

I'm trying real hard here.

it's really, really tough.

 

Going to watch TV now.....

thank you xo

 

Guys like this know how to get a lady, but don't know how to keep one. Food for thought. My ex quickly found someone new--okay, quickly for my taste. Is 5 months sufficient to meet and fall in love with someone? it takes me longer, but I digress...A narcissist needs a victim. Yours is probably seeking out another victim to make him feel special and elevated. These guys have issues with their own self esteem. Makes them feel great to take someone sweet and kind and turn them into 100 shades of ugly.

 

It's tough, but you will get through this...You ARE getting through it.

[Itsonlyme66]

I've stayed friends with exes because they were decent people.

 

This one? He's a tool.

 

Terrible soul. Empty, devoid of any humanity.

 

I want to see this one suffer.

 

I can't do anything about it but wait for Karma and pray REAL HARD.

 

The longer time goes by the more angry I'm getting...

I am going to join the gym up the street and start taking it out on the weights.

[LuckyLady13]

He blames me for EVERYTHING that went wrong!

He told me "I'm an easy guy to live with!"

 

Head game.

 

WTF is going on here???

 

so I am the bad guy again...at the end of the road. And I'm ignored with no closure, and he had to run away "like the battered wife to hide" is how he put it.

 

Head game.

 

He would never resolve anything, never hear me. Always did the opposite of what he knew I needed emotionally.

 

And you wonder why you felt bipolar? Wonder no more!

I feel so bad for calling him. I needed to see if he was talking to someone else (I feel he is) - but no proof.

 

He wants you to think this. He so wants you to think this.

 

I'm trying real hard here.

it's really, really tough.

 

Yes it is. I remember. I can't forget it...

 

 

Guys like this know how to get a lady, but don't know how to keep one.

 

She's so right about this.

 

These guys have issues with their own self esteem. Makes them feel great to take someone sweet and kind and turn them into 100 shades of ugly.

 

She's right. And the worse they treat you, the lower their self-esteem is so his horrible treatment of you is a great indicator as to how low this guy feels about himself. But! No matter how low a guys self-esteem is, that never EVER gives him the right to abuse someone mentally or emotionally to try to feel better about himself. Do not feel sorry for him. He was abusive because he wasn't grown up enough or man enough to deal with his self-esteem problems and took it out on you? He's a horrible person. No wonder his self-esteem is so low.

 

He told me his only regret was coming home each time after he dumped me.

 

Head game. He kept going back because he wanted to. Nobody had a gun to his back when he came through the door, right? It's not like he wasn't making a choice there to do what he wanted to do.

 

I swear to you this all starts to fade away and don't call him because you need time away from this guy to get your head glued back on straight. He's played so many games with you that up is down and left is right. He tried to pull your self-esteem down lower than his. This is not a nice guy. He knew what he was doing. It never works out in the end for these guys because you may love him right now but given a little time when your self-esteem starts to recover, you're going to hate him. And it will get to a point that you won't entertain for a millisecond taking this guy back to play these games again.

 

Your self-esteem being built back is the most important thing right now. You're not crazy or a lunatic and you're not bipolar. This is just what happens to someone when somebody constantly plays head games with them. I know it sucks but if you don't stay away from this guy, you're never going to feel better.

 

Haven't you felt bad enough yet? Bad enough to ditch him and not want anything to do with him? If not...I hope you get sick of this real soon.

[BewitchedandBothered]

I've stayed friends with exes because they were decent people.

 

This one? He's a tool.

 

Terrible soul. Empty, devoid of any humanity.

 

I want to see this one suffer.

 

I can't do anything about it but wait for Karma and pray REAL HARD.

 

The longer time goes by the more angry I'm getting...

I am going to join the gym up the street and start taking it out on the weights.

 

You will feel tons better at the gym; the endorphins will make you feel good and your body will thank you for the exercise. Anger is better than crying, but trust me when I tell you don't let it consume you. I was obsessed for a long time and I learned that it was unfair to do that to myself. he has no place in my life. You have to honor the stages and you will be fine. I totally relate about wanting the abusive ex to receive some kind of comeuppance. It's anger talking, but after time passes, you will be indifferent to what he does.

[Itsonlyme66]

I'm scared he will make contact at some point. I still have a few of his things. I'm sure at some point, between that and the house, he will.

 

I'm scared he's seeing someone else already. I'm really scared he had her in the wings BEFORE he moved out. I'll never know. As I said, i don't even know where he is living, but he says (and he lies, so who knows) he's 30 min away.

 

I'm scared he is forgetting me.

 

I'm scared he will NOT contact me again.

 

I'm just.... really scared!

and as much as I hate to admit this to the posters, I still care for him immensely.

you don't forget 6 years. Not unless you are made of the stuff he's made of.

and thank God i'm not.

 

I'm going to join the gym today.

[BewitchedandBothered]

I'm scared he will make contact at some point. I still have a few of his things. I'm sure at some point, between that and the house, he will.

 

I'm scared he's seeing someone else already. I'm really scared he had her in the wings BEFORE he moved out. I'll never know. As I said, i don't even know where he is living, but he says (and he lies, so who knows) he's 30 min away.

 

I'm scared he is forgetting me.

 

I'm scared he will NOT contact me again.

 

I'm just.... really scared!

and as much as I hate to admit this to the posters, I still care for him immensely.

you don't forget 6 years. Not unless you are made of the stuff he's made of.

and thank God i'm not.

 

I'm going to join the gym today.

 

The ex's never for get us; do we forget them? and maybe his doing you a huge favor by not contacting you.

[Itsonlyme66]

so you know he left 14x in 6 years.

and you all know - as I lay myself bare and exposed from my pitiful soul, that i always took him back with open arms and false hopes that "this time" it would be the last time he walked...that he finally realized....

 

The first time he left me, it had nothing to do with me. He was still thinking about his ex, who incidentally, called him off the hook (harassment, really) every day for one and a half years, crying, begging, until he finally relented and tried to see what could happen with HER if he left me. So that first time, i cried on the couch while he spoke to me very gently and said he was so sorry.... and he left me. I called too. I cried.

 

The first time he came back because he felt "terrible" about seeing me crying like that, because I was "so sweet" of a person.

 

Then, as history repeated itself for different reasons, (i.e. "I feel like my life is passing me by" - or...one time it was "This doesn't feel like MY house... I don't like living under your roof" [the house is ours legally but they are my teenagers...] - or... "I need to think about MY retirement and save my money" or..."You should go back to your ex-husband, go get him back. I'm not the right guy for you. I'm the wrong guy..." to finally, this last whammy was, "You drink too much! You are vicious!" (yes I was drinking quite a bit. He would say stop it, then he would bring home a bottle to "party" with me on the weekend! I drank because I was on eggshells all the time. Every time we had a disagreement he would say, "not another word!" one time he looked at the clock and said "you have 2 minutes to make your point and stare at the clock" Other times he would whistle over me. He always liked to whistle through the house after an argument while I was upset and silent. His favorite thing to do if I didn't "shut the f*ck up" would be to dangle his car keys and say "one more word i'm leaving." Then if I said "why?" THAT was the "one" word. And he would go and shut his phone off - He literally would sleep in his truck on the bridge or by the beach. It was insanity. So this last time I gave it to him and "helped" him pack.

 

When he said "don't love you, wanna leave." I had had it. I threw his crap on the lawn in the rain, I swore and said things I can't believe I said. And I YELLED them. I even tripped over my own feet and cut my knee open while he stood there shaking his head in disgust at me. Then he left.

 

And now he says he will never move back because he doesn't want to "entertain the neighbors"... or at least that's what he said a month ago. I haven't talked to him since. So again, it's my fault.

 

I'm just exhausted, sad, tired, lonely, miserable, and full of hate and love all mixed up.

 

But I am on NC and I'm doing well with it. Considering he won't tell me where in town he's living, I figure the less I know the better! And ditto to him. He doesn't need to know about me either if he's going to end up being a dick after I gave him 6 years of tolerance, love, forgiveness, and hope.