Crush on married co-worker

[Gingersnap]

[font=arial][/font][color=blue][/color]Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum, and here's my dilemma. My husband works out of town part of each week, so he's not here much, and when he is, we don't have much of a "couple" relationship. We've been married for 10 years, and I almost feel like we're roommates more than anything else. Our sex life is pretty much occasional--we have sex about once every few months.

I work with a guy that I've had a major crush on for more than a year. We don't work directly together, but we do have reason to interact somewhat regularly. Both of us are married. It started with us just joking around with each other from time to time, then having more in-depth conversations here and there at the office. Somewhere along the line, this developed into what I think is more than a regular friendship. We started going to lunch together (just the 2 of us) every couple of months, then we started going to lunch every couple of weeks, and now we go to lunch almost every week. We also have started taking breaks together in a break room that other people from our office rarely use. NOTHING romantic has happened between us, but I think about him constantly. I have often fantasized about him kissing me, and I think that if he did, I wouldn't tell him no.

I don't know how he feels about me because he gives me kind of mixed signals. On the one hand, he seems committed to his wife, but then he'll call me at work or e-mail me, and it makes me wonder if he thinks of it as more than a friendship also. I have read articles about emotional infidelity, and I think that is what I'm guilty of, but I'm not willing to stop. I don't feel like I have done anything wrong, and my 'friend' at work is giving me something my husband isn't--he listens to me and pays attention to me and makes me feel like he likes having me around. My husband doesn't know we go to lunch together, but he does know we talk at work. I'd like to get someone else's opinion on this. Thanks for listening.

[radioflyer]

Here it is...BLACK AND WHITE!! Read my post about the never ending turmoil my wife has been putting me through and you will change your mind in a hurry!!! This stuff makes me physicall ill to even read after what i have been going through, knowing the fact that these wives (and yes i say wives) are putting their husbands through this because they have no self-control or self-worth. I could go on and on, but i have a feeling that this will get out of hand because i am heating up inside. I would not wish this upon my worst enemy what you are doing to your husband without him knowing. As far as your husband knows, you are a devoted, loving wife and nothing is wrong with your relationship! TAKE A STEP BACK IN YOUR MARRIAGE!!!!!

Start communicating better and seek counciling. Sit him down and talk to him about what is going on. Please just don`t let this go any further and stop it NOW!!!!! Cut all ties with the OM and realize what you are about to put you, your husband, family and friends through if you continue this. Can you imagine starting your life all over again because of an emotional affair with someone who you don`t even know that well. Or would you rather take the time that you have with your husband and all of the life experiences that you have been through and work on your marriage? Go and seek counciling and open up with each other. Communication and TRUST are the key factors in marriage and right now, you are breaking both of them! Like i said, this is not worth the turmoil and devastation in the future. Stop now and call your husband to tell him that you love him!! Sit down to a nice candlelit dinner and have a serious heart to heart talk about your communication and how he doesn`t listen to you. If I can save one marriage on account that mine is ruined because of this, than I will feel better.

With my wife, it started out as a friendship, then came the more indepth conversations, lunch, and then she left me high and dry and said that she couldn`t be with me if she had really strong feelings (lust to me) for someone else. I just wanted to lay down and die right there. I asked myself, how could she do this to me and how could she have feelings for someone else. She betrayed me and our marriage! We were only married for one year and she did this to me. It absolutely disgusts me the more i talk about it. She said that he listened and I didn`t and he payed more attention to her. Well dammit, do something about it, don`t just turn to someone else and run away. thats why you get married! it is not an easy task! Ok, i`m stopping here and i will let someone else finish!

md

radioflyer

[DazednConfused]

Hi Ginger,

 

Radio and I have both been recently on the same boat. I will not rant and rave at you, but I will tell you that the pain and anguish you are about to cause is NOT worth it to anyone.

 

My wife did not come to me with her issues. I was never given an opportunity to be the man she needed me to be. She let herself be taken in by her feelings and the attentions of another man. Today, she is nearly crippled with guilt and having to see every day what she has done to me. I used to feel like the King of the World, today, I am a quivering wreck, nearly incapable of rational thought and dominated by my feelings. She gave away the only truly good thing we could both count on in our world.... our relationship.

 

 

Radio is divorcing his wife (having read his thread, I agree completely with his decision), I have chosen to work on my marriage with my wife. I have an advantage in that my wife is willing to do whatever it takes, his was not.

You absolutely MUST go to your husband and try to talk. If you cannot work things out, then get a divorce before pursuing anything more with this guy from work. I have a suspicion about all men, (myself included) for us, it is about conquest and ego when we pursue women we cannot have. (Some of us can control that urge and not do it at all, but the urge is still there) I have a suspicion that if you became available, he would run like the wind.

 

Also, keep in mind that you only see him at his best; you have not seen him just out of bed in the morning, bad breath and all; you haven't seen him sick; or even just tired and cranky. Your husband has seen all those things with you and by the grace of a higher power, he still loves you. Give him a chance, you may be suprised. If not, you can take care of your obligations, and do what you will with a clear conscience.

 

Check the infidelity board if you are uncertain about the effects upon your spouse, if you had any idea of what you could unleash, you would never even consider it.

[morrigan]

As DazednConfused said, read the Infidelity forum--it's pretty apparent how much emotional affairs, and sexual affairs, have devastated marriages, families and people's general lives.

 

What would you feel if your husband was having lunch breaks continuously with a female co-worker?

I'm not trying to be cruel, but making you see things from someone else's point of view. The loneliness, the feeling of neglect you perceive from your husband will be the same feelings this man's wife will have if he goes and has an affair on her. To be honest, you can't be sure that this co-worker hasn't pulled this stunt before with other women he's worked with.

 

It's your choice to continue this relationship, or back off from the lunch breaks and the chit chats and take a clear look at what is going on in your marriage. Do you still want to be married to your husband or not? This is the decision you should be making, not whether or not to complicate matters by having an affair. You have the right to mess up your own life, but you don't have the right to mess up someone else's--like this co-worker's wife and family.

 

This isn't a full, realistic relationship--it is a pleasant break from the day to day boredom, someone who gives you a minor amount of attention, someone who has their own private life and imperfections. It isn't reality, and it won't be permanent, even if you do decide to ever end your marriage.

[Gingersnap]

Okay, hold on a second y'all. I already said that nothing romantic has happened, and to be perfectly honest, I don't think anything ever will. What I foresee happening is that my friend at work will remain just that--a friend. Yes, I am extremely attracted to him, but frankly, I think I lack the nerve to ever make a move, and I don't feel like he would either. I could be wrong, but right now he is filling a void for me, and who knows, I could be filling a void for him as well.

 

What y'all don't know is that I have spent the past 10 years making sacrifices and being the one to make an effort while my husband made little if any effort at all. After all this time, I kind of got to the point where I feel like I shouldn't bother making an effort if he won't.

 

I spent the first several years of our marriage constantly feeling jealous and insecure about our relationship. Any time my husband spoke to a female, no matter what the reason, I was convinced that he wanted to have an affair, and I was convinced that it was just a matter of time before he cheated on me (because I do believe that eventually, all men do cheat). I have since grown out of being so insecure, and in response to one of the comments I received, I really don't know how I would react if I knew my husband was regularly having one-on-one lunches with another woman.

 

I don't think my relationship with the guy from work is as catastrophic as y'all are making it out to be. Can't a woman be friends with a guy without it being an affair? After 10 years of marriage, can't a woman fantasize about another guy? I refuse to believe that after all this time, my husband has never imagined what it would be like to be with another woman.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by Gingersnap

Okay, hold on a second y'all. I already said that nothing romantic has happened, and to be perfectly honest, I don't think anything ever will. What I foresee happening is that my friend at work will remain just that--a friend. Yes, I am extremely attracted to him, but frankly, I think I lack the nerve to ever make a move, and I don't feel like he would either. I could be wrong, but right now he is filling a void for me, and who knows, I could be filling a void for him as well.

 

You don't *THINK* anything will happen? NOTHING *Just Happens* by itself. You make choices. You are opening yourself up to make a choice for which you do not want to take responsibility. Your claim of "I could be wrong" is an open door for an affair.

 

What y'all don't know is that I have spent the past 10 years making sacrifices and being the one to make an effort while my husband made little if any effort at all. After all this time, I kind of got to the point where I feel like I shouldn't bother making an effort if he won't.

 

I'm sorry that your marriage got to that point. Its sad when it happens, but it has nothing to do with anyone other than you and your husband. If you don't want to make an effort for the marriage - then end it. Get a divorce. Why not try some counseling first to see if you can or want to have a healthy marriage.

 

 

I spent the first several years of our marriage constantly feeling jealous and insecure about our relationship. Any time my husband spoke to a female, no matter what the reason, I was convinced that he wanted to have an affair, and I was convinced that it was just a matter of time before he cheated on me (because I do believe that eventually, all men do cheat). I have since grown out of being so insecure, and in response to one of the comments I received, I really don't know how I would react if I knew my husband was regularly having one-on-one lunches with another woman.

 

You believe that all men cheat. That is so sad! Not all men cheat. A lot of women feel jealous and insecure in the beginning of their marriage. That's pretty normal. Getting past the insecurities takes work on both sides. You say you don't know how you would react if your husband were having one-on-one lunches with another woman. But what about this other guy's wife? Have you considered that there are other people involved? It sounds like this guy ought to work on his own marriage too. But if you honestly believe that all men cheat, then I doubt if you will ever have a totally satisfying relationship. You have some major trust issues that you need to deal with.

 

I don't think my relationship with the guy from work is as catastrophic as y'all are making it out to be. Can't a woman be friends with a guy without it being an affair? After 10 years of marriage, can't a woman fantasize about another guy? I refuse to believe that after all this time, my husband has never imagined what it would be like to be with another woman.

 

No, it's not catastrophic YET. But it sure sounds like its headed that way. Is it okay to fantasize about co-workers or friends? Of course. A little flirting can spice up a healthy marriage too. But if you have trust issues, and your marriage is rocky, then the path you are on will only lead to major heart-break and disaster. Nip it in the bud now and stop hanging out with this guy. Put the energy into your own marriage and making it better.

 

I left a job -- my favorite job and one of the best that I ever had -- because my marriage was in a very sad state and there was someone at that job who desired me and we flirted and hung out together and he even came over to the house a couple of times to parties that my husband and I threw. We were toe-to-toe on that line and actually reached across it once (not sex, but a pass and a clear invitation) and I had to make a decision right then. I KNEW I could have an affair (he was younger and unmarried--no wife of his to worry about) and I wanted to (it had been years and years since my husband and I had sex) and I really thought about it and my husband knew I was upset about something at work--but he didn't know what. I ended up quitting the job. That was in 2000 and I have not worked steady since then. I worked for a company that went out of business, then for another company who, after 9/11 and Enron, had to lay off 30% of the staff and since then I've worked contract jobs for less pay and no benifits. We have been struggling just to pay the mortgage and can't even pay for all of the health care we need. If I had stayed at that company I would still have a job. But I do not regret my decision to leave, although I will admit there are times when I wonder how it would have felt to be desired and touched again and I think of the guy sometimes--but not in a regretful way. Quitting that job was the right thing to do. I did tell my husband why I left and he understood and appreciated it.

 

Take care of your marriage--work on it or end it. Don't get involved with someone who is committed to someone else. If you meet someone you like and they say "oh, I'm separating from my wife. . . ." tell him to call you when the divorce is final and walk away.

[jangle04]

Well I'm confused as hell. You say isn't it ok to just be friends? You wouldn't be at this site if it was really just that. Let me put you in my shoes for a moment. I would be in the same position as your husband is in right now. My wife works at a company and says she is just friends with a co-worker. I have always been insecure about it because I have had these feelings. I would most likely say your husband suspects something too even if he hasn't said anything. If you know it is a danger to your marriage you shouldn't put yourself in that situation. I have wrongly accused my wife when I shouldn't have and of course she has denied and denied. Sometimes you just feel it. Whenever I've been around them you can see it and I've heard little jokes that I thought were very inappropriate. I would suggest you put your attention towards your husband instead of this other man. That's just my opinion! If you don't it may eventually backfire on you. If you also start neglecting your husband his eyes may wander to. Talk to each other before it's too late.

[Gingersnap]

Why is everyone so quick to recommend divorce? I don't get that. If I was having regular lunches with a female coworker, would anyone assume it was something more? We haven't been sneaking around--when we go to lunch, we're in plain view of anyone, and if anyone ever asked, I wouldn't lie about having lunch together. I think that this is nothing more than a harmless flirtation. I'm getting the attention I've been lacking at home, and I'm not being unfaithful. To me, it's kind of like reading a romance novel--it's an escape from reality for a little while.

 

Yes, I am very attracted to my friend at work, but for all I know, he thinks of me as nothing more than a girl he works with who is fun to talk to and who he goes to lunch with. I have never even hinted to him how I feel because no matter how he felt in return, I think things would be awkward at work. And if he didn't share my feelings, I would be extremely embarrassed. I don't know if his wife knows we go to lunch. I've been tempted many times to ask him, but I don't want to ask such a leading question.

 

I don't feel like I have done anything wrong here--except keep it from my husband, but I don't think it's hurting anyone for me to keep this to myself. I'm sure he's had acquaintances (male or female) that I never knew about. I don't feel like we have to know every aspect of each other's lives at this point in our marriage. I bet there have been at least a few times that some other woman has flirted with him or something like that, and he didn't tell me. No harm, no foul, right?

 

Our marriage isn't rocky. I feel like it's turned into kind of a comfortable companionship. We have history, and we get along pretty well, and in the long run, I don't think it's such a bad thing for it to be like that. As for counseling, I don't think he would ever go for that because any time I have mentioned that I thought there was something wrong with our relationship (ie, drifting apart or whatever), he has said he doesn't think anything is wrong and pretty much leaves it at that. There's way more to the situation than I could post in this forum. Maybe I'm guilty of having bored wife syndrome. This flirtation at work is the most attention I've had from any guy in a very long time, and I'm enjoying it.

[jangle04]

I don't believe I suggested divorce. My dilemma with your situation is that if it is so harmless why don't you tell your husband. Has your husband ever questioned you about work? Everyone's work is an escape from their home life. With a wife and two kids it is the only peace and quiet I get. I am just saying if you have a good marriage you should really tell your husband how you feel about this guy and work it out. You should probably cut your ties with this guy. It's ok to have friends of the opposite sex but when you know something could come about, it is dangerous. What would you do if you found out he felt the same way? Also think about his wife. His wife most likely feels like she is getting neglected just like you. She probably feels the same way about her marriage as you feel about yours. Whatever it is that your not getting at home I'm sure his wife feels the same way. People don't show their true colors at work. You think you know this guy, but it is just the newness and it being something different. Every marriage unfortunately becomes routine, that's why divorce is so high. I would be interested in your response because I feel like I am in your husband's shoes right now.

[Tootrustingguy]

Nothing wrong with friends of the opposite sex. But reading your first post and those that replied, I have this to say for advice.

 

It's a little more than friendship according to your first post. If you imagine him kissing you and you don't believe you would stop him, well that should be your first indication it's one spark away from making fire.

 

Everyone looks at someone else, everyone fantasizes. Some can control that easily, some can not. The train of consequences will take you where you thought you'd never go. It seems most if not all affairs start this way.

 

Best thing you can do is stop this relationship. I think you know that. If you don't want to stop the escalation of this relationship, then...you need to divorce your husband.

[lnichols]

I have been exactly where you are. I had been married about 12 years, nice guy, nice house, two kids... But I felt like I was not attractive any more, I felt old and unwanted, no longer attracted sexually to my spouse, but thinking that was normal after the long time we'd been together.

 

Then I met this guy at work and we became friends. Nice guy. Had lunch a few times. Went to a conference with a lot of other people from work. I had time on my hands to sit and think of all the things I'd like to do with him. Harmless fantasy. Well, I ended up acting on those thoughts, and he was all too willing. That was the beginning of the affair that ended my marriage. It is so easy to start and so hard to end! I lost everything and had to start over. We're okay, my kids and I. Strangely, I don't regret any of it. It contributed to the person I am today. But it can happen, and if you don't want it to, then look at this situation for what it is. I would like to spare you the ugliness.