leilab Posted June 13, 2004 Share Posted June 13, 2004 Many of you have read my story. Today is my 3 month mark. And I want to get feedback on a particular question. What kind of a person would dump their "soul mate" 3 days before she had an abortion? (with your child) And then not even call, write, email --anything-- to find out how you are??? And for any guys that are reading this, if you have any insight into this, clue me in. And by the way, this is not a 20-yr old male - but a grown man in his 40s. I really need to hear this. Link to post Share on other sites
sinner Posted June 13, 2004 Share Posted June 13, 2004 I suspect he's ashamed, perhaps frightened or awkward about getting you pregnant. You might of had a "peter pan" type guy who gets lost when things get tough or serious. Many of us are great when things go well. The real test is how our personality and attachments hold up when chronic stress is involved. I bet this guy would have cut and run if you had a cancer diagnosis, too. He just wants to have fun: heaven help the woman who brings too much reality into his world. For if she does, he'll just move on to the next one, and the next one. He's a 12 year old in the body of a middle aged man. Link to post Share on other sites
average guy Posted June 13, 2004 Share Posted June 13, 2004 I've been through a couple abportions with girlfriends and I don't think people realise how much it affactes the man as well (probably because most men never deal with it! ) But my guess is that it just hit him and he was terrified and he ran. I hate to use a cliche, but he was a boy and not a man. He should he been able to handle his fear, shame, guilt, etc. and be there for you. Trust me, you are better off without this man than finding out later in life that he is a coward This is all assuming that he wasn't hit by a bus or kidnapped by aliens And my heart goes out to you and I wish you a healthy recovery Cheers, A.G. Link to post Share on other sites
Author leilab Posted June 14, 2004 Author Share Posted June 14, 2004 Just wanted to mention that I definitely am too responsible to have gotten pregnant by chance. He had been fixed (had 4 kids) so this was a total shocker to me. Link to post Share on other sites
average guy Posted June 14, 2004 Share Posted June 14, 2004 Are you saying you think he lied about being "fixed"? Or maybe that his "fixing" didn't work? If so, that puts the whole picture in another light - no wonder why he disappeared! Good luck A.G. Link to post Share on other sites
Author leilab Posted June 14, 2004 Author Share Posted June 14, 2004 I am pretty sure that he did not lie about being fixed. Apparently there is a chance that nature heals itself. I did some research on the matter and it happens 1/300 cases. Link to post Share on other sites
shamen Posted June 14, 2004 Share Posted June 14, 2004 Leilab, It is a man who does not yet know who he is. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted June 14, 2004 Share Posted June 14, 2004 Leilab, it's funny that my MM had a vasectomy also. Is shooting blanks a liscence to cheat? I am sorry you went through all of this-it most definetly sucks to find out that when it all boils down to it being an OW is just really being a peice of tail............... Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted June 14, 2004 Share Posted June 14, 2004 I don't mean this to be cruel - but you said you really wanted to hear it. 1) IMO, he never really considered you as a soul mate. He might have said he did and he might even have showed you - but deep down, he never believed you were his soul mate. 2) IMO, he is a selfish, inconsiderate man. I have had friends who have had abortions and even if they were not with the guy anymore he still stood by her through it. I'm sorry because I know you are hurting but you are so better off without him. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author leilab Posted June 14, 2004 Author Share Posted June 14, 2004 That is my point, precisely. I don't think I ever felt more alone, abandoned or lost than when I left me pregnant with his child to go back to his wife. Kick a dog when they are down. If he really wanted to end it with me and work on his marriage, couldn't he have waited?? And how does he know if I even went through with the abortion? As a man, wouldn't you want to know? Is this person playing with a full deck or what? Telling me that he is leaving his wife and wants to be with me (&the baby), and then turning 180 degrees and leaving me never to even check if I am o.k. I really have to apologize for going over the same thing again and again. I just can't get past that my "true" love is the meanest person I have ever encountered. Cruelty is the understatement - he left me to die. How can he even sleep at night, knowing the death and destruction he has caused in my life. And he was the one that came looking for me after 8 years because he still "loved" me. Wasn't it enough that he broke my heart 8 years ago and then left? Why does he get to go back to his wife & live happily ever after? How can I ever get past this? I treated him better than anyone EVER in my life. What a payback. I feel like going over to his work and just beating the sh*t out of him, and completely embarass him in front of his employees, his boss. Maybe I should just give into my desire for revenge. I hate him, and I wish him the worst of everything. This sucks. Nothing, not even time is making this better. Link to post Share on other sites
letgo Posted June 14, 2004 Share Posted June 14, 2004 Leilab~ Your mind is a battlefield. Please think good thoughts: 1. You are better off WITHOUT the meanest, most cruel man who promised you the world and gave you LESS than nothing. 2. Knowing that YOU can sleep at night because you took responsibility for what happened and did the best you could with the awful situation you got in. 3. Knowing that YOU have this current moment to open up your heart and let it heal to become wiser, more self-reliant, and capable of love. 4. The absolute best revenge is your own success and happiness!!! You may feel that time is not making it better, but please believe that this is only temporary. You are NOT dependent on this man for your life! Turn your hurt and anger against HIM and I guarantee your outlook on your own life will change dramatically. Keep faith that you will get better, not worse or the same. I am there with you........ LetGo Link to post Share on other sites
shamen Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 Leilab, you know in your heart that following the revenge angle is not worth it. Write about it in your journal, think about it. But don't act on it. It's just like getting over the no contact thing... patience. Vent about it here, talk about it with your friends if you can, do what you need to do to avoid acting on it. All the revenge is going to do is put you back into the middle of it with him, which you know that you don't need right now. You're finally to the anger stage! You're right... I would think that most men would have wanted to know the outcome of the situation. This man thinks that because he doesn't ask, he doesn't have to deal. It's only been 3 months! That's it. You've got to be patient a little bit longer. Just gotta hold on and trust that things will change. I once made a reference to a thunderstorm for you. Believe that the storm will fade. Link to post Share on other sites
Author leilab Posted June 15, 2004 Author Share Posted June 15, 2004 Today is definitely a better day. Not really sure why. Forced myself to listen to my audiobook "feel the fear and do it anyways". It is really a good book and is helping me a lot. It is really showing me how strong I really am. I do know that I will make it through this, and I see how much it is doing for me in the area of self growth. I also KNOW that I will not act on my vengence. Maybe i write about, think about it, but truth is, there is no way I am going over to his work and letting myself relapse. These 3 months have been too difficult for me to put myself right back to the beginning. I always thought my MM was so wise, and I really looked up to him. Now I just see him as a very fearful, paralyzed person that is unable to take responsibility for himself and incapable of "doing for himself" He really is a boy in a middle aged man. His fear and guilt hold him in bondage and he truly is a man who does not know who he is yet. Thx all for your support and words. This forum has been invaluable to me in helping me through this. The level of pain that this experience has made me endure has allowed me to be so much more compassionate and understanding to others that deal with matters of the heart. It has been very important to me to feel "connected" and LS has been a great support system for me --- way better than the counselors. Link to post Share on other sites
shamen Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 Yea! I'm glad that you are feeling better today. I KNEW you were a strong woman! Any other inspirational things surrounding you? Pics? Sayings? Reminders? Link to post Share on other sites
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