Im at a major crossroad in life....who should i be with.

[ambrose]

Hi people

This is my first message on this forum. I have browsing it over the last few days searching for answers.

I hope some of you can help me.

 

Im having a really hard time letting go of my previous g/f. We were together for 4 years and I ended it.

She was the most beautiful person who would do anything for me (including letting me go if it made me happy).

She stuck by me though thick and thin during my darkest times. We had dreams together of owning a house and settling down.

 

The problems all began when I got an email from a girl at work saying she found me very attractive. I dont know why but i felt compelled to find out why because this girl said there was something about me.

Before I knew it found myself ending the relationship with my ex but as time goes by I cant help think about how I miss her and the pain she must be going through right now.

HOWEVER, this new girl.....I dont there is just something about her. People please have an open mind when I tell you this but she almost has a 6th sense. She is very in tune with herself spirtually and she told me she had flashes of our future the moment she seen me. After only 4 months she is falling in love with me and thinks I could be the one. I am attracted to her and cant help but think 'what if' ???

 

Im a very sensitive emotional person and find it very hard to hurt people I care about. I have personal issues where I like to make people happy even if its at the expense of my own happiness.....this is who I am, Im not sure if I can change this but I am seeing a therapist about it....even this new girl ive been seeing, the thought of never seeing her again sorta scares me but the same feeling applies to my ex. Im very confused right now. I feel like im at a major cross road. Every morning I cry. I cant eat, sleep, work or even enjoy life.

 

Your thoughts and opinions are most welcome

[dudesomewhere]

people who experience what you experience...the wanting to please others part...must come to terms with that before they can truly love anyone because all they end up doing is betraying and abandoning those that loved them utterly to begin with.

 

Write a letter or do this in person...in person if she is willing. Your ex that is. Tell her your issues and apologize to her and do so with sincerity. Let her know that you do no apologize because you are trying to win her back but that you really do have issues preventing you from devoting yourself to someone who loves you. She as any other person is not some sock, glove or any other article of clothing or fashion apparel to try on and see if it looks good or fits ok enough.

 

You made a contradicting statement: "Im a very sensitive emotional person and find it very hard to hurt people I care about." That obviously isn't true is it?

 

Ask your ex if she wants closure if she hasn't already found it and do the good deed. Humble yourself to show your sincerity and mean it.

[ViewFromAbove]

If you really want an opinion (as opposed to a solution), then I think that it's difficult to come to any conclusion about your situation without really knowing more about your background in terms of your dating experience, age, and family history.

 

However, you need to have a big think about what you want as opposed to who you hurt. You say that your ex is beautiful and a caring person and you had hopes and dreams together, but you do really share her dreams too? You can try to remember back when you first met her and the hopes and dreams you shared, the decisions you made together, and all those good things about the relationship that's worth saving and ask yourself if you should give up completely.

 

It is really difficult to intellectualise issues such as these - only you know what is really in your heart, and the same could be said for her. Sometimes we get derailed by temptation and it's just easier to follow your feelings at the moment than to do what is right. Love is a powerful emotion and it's no surprising that we find ourselves falling in love with more than one person in the course of our lives.

 

Perhaps you need to ask some questions for yourself. Are you happy within yourself or are you looking outside yourself to find happiness? Being happy with yourself is the ticket to making good choices about your life. When we are unhappy with our lives, we tend to reach out and seek something or someone that will rescue and make us happy. Often people who lack discipline or vision tend to take for granted the wonderful things that are in there lives and get mislead down a different path.

 

Your situation sounds very familiar. You can try two approaches. First try talking to your ex and be open about your feelings for her even though you're confused about your feelings right now. You owe her at least this much given that you had made plans together and now you may have a change of heart. Can you imagine what this is doing to her? Most girls in this situation can react very badly. She could be feeling insecured because she's vulnerable having expose herself to you. So by giving her a chance to understand why things have changed between you two, you are allowing her some dignity and say in all this. Wouldn't you want the same if you were her?

 

Alternatively, you can put your head in the sand and hope the problem will go away...in many cases, your ex will eventually go away too. By deceiving her, yourself, and this new girl until you figure out what you want will be more costly the longer you wait to take the inevitable action. You don't have to be alone in all this confusion. You should involve these girls and be honest about it so that they too have choices. It is not priveledge but an obligation for you to be up front. Walk a mile in their shoes and you will understand.

 

An open and honest relationship require that you don't hide things from your partner. I know this sounds idealistic and a little utopian but if any relationship is to succeed then lies and deceit are not good foundation stones to set it upon. There is no need to sneak around and harbor guilty feelings. Facing the truth will not only set your free as geeky as it sounds but it will also help you to overcome the inertia to confront your fears and pain of hurting the other person. So before you take it further with this new girl, you have an obligation to finish the one you started with your ex...or at least let her have a chance to defend herself and have a say in the decision. Selfishly, most people in your situation are more likely to hide behind guilt or fear so that they can have options. It is a choice you'll have to make.

 

If you choose to be deceptive, you should examine why you are so willing to live a secret life between them. Is it for comfort's sake and avoiding conflict? Most people lie and deceive for this very reason. It takes a lot of characters to live a life of integrity and if you learn to be truthful to yourself and others, then integrity will seem less threatening and more natural. But the dragon that you'll have to slayer is the impulse to avoid discomfort.

 

Taking the long view, things we want now changes as we age. What you wanted as a teenager would seem silly as an adult. If you choose your partner simply for the reason of lust then your relationship is doomed to fail. If you build your relationship based on deceit, then it's doomed to fail too. It's hard to know what we want in life and love. Sometimes it just take maturity and life experiences to know. Not everyone has it figured out but it sure helps to start having a vision rather than living vacariously.

 

Good luck to you and always remember that you desreve to be happy and so does she. Lies and deceit are more harmful than being honesty. The bottom line is, there is no kind way no easy way to break someone's heart. Sometimes we have to go through these painful periods in order to build the spritual equivalent of a muscle. As long as our action is based on honest and compassion, we can avoid more harmful consequences to others and ourselves.