Bellechica Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 Im new here. My story.....and please don't judge me. I've come here for support. *A year and a half ago I met a man at a work conference in another state. We stayed up talking about our families and lives. He is a divorced father of twins. I am married with two children. Nothing physical happened between us, but we could tell there was a connection. we exchanged phone numbers. When i returned home, I was frightened by how I felt connected to this man. It made me feel like I was no longer happy in my marriage.* I told my husband that I felt like we were drifting apart. He said he felt everything was fine and we just went on as usual. Well, I *began a six month long distance emotional affair that turned into a sexual affair the last month when we agreed to meet again.* After meeting with the man for two wonderful days, I returned home and felt horrible and disgusted with myself and how I had betrayed my entire family. I knew it was wrong and told the man it was over. I missed him terribly and felt I needed to confess to someone about what I had done and that I wanted to make my marriage work. I have been with my husband almost 20 years including the three we dated. I turned to a close male friend at work. Someone who I knew would not judge me. He was primarily my friend but knows my husband and had been to our house several times before with his son. He is divorced. He listened to me as a grieved the loss of the man I'd met and helped me try to pull myself together but then he made a pass at me and we started an affair. I was with him for eleven months of ups and downs of breaking it off and going back. We fell in love, but we both knew we would not end up together and that we needed to stop. *He wanted me there 100 percent with him, and I wouldn't divorce because I want my family. It's been a week since I sent him an email saying that we have to stop communication and stick to it and end this affair. He agreed we should. My husband doesn't know but he knows I had changed during that year. I couldn't be happy. I do love my husband and he did nothing wrong. I know I need to make my marriage work. I know I have to live with guilt but I can't tell him what happened. I told him again that I'm unhappy and that if we don't reconnect with each other our marriage is over. He has listened and we are both giving 100 percent into building a stronger marriage. I know I can't have any contact with the other man if I want my marriage to survive, but unfortunately it's not making me forget my affair partner. *I miss talking to him and I miss our friendship. We were friends before all this devastation happened, and I fear we will never be friends again. It hurts to know this.....I'm not sure why I'm sharing all this but that's my story. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 You need to come clean to your husband. That will help relieve your guilt and memories, and truly would be the only path to healing things. If not you will always wonder if your husband would have taken you back if you had been honest, and feel guilty because your husband didn't know the truth. Marriage counseling is going to be very important here as it will help you rebuild the bond between one another so you no longer feel the need to rely on anyone else. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 You can not rebuild your marriage on a pack of lies. Your H deserves to know the truth of his marriage and spouse. You need to understand why you felt the affairs were appropriate behavior, in order to not repeat them in the future. If you were so unhappy in the marriage, why not just divorce? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 Agreed. You can't build a new, better relationship based on deceptioni, betrayal, and no honest communication. Tell the truth. Let him decide if he wants to rebuild a marriage with you or not. If yes, you're lucky and you've got a basis for rebuilding. If not, you've learned some painful lessons that can help you in whatever future relationships you may have. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 OK lets take a little more even handed approach to this... Many here are saying that you cant rebuild your marriage without coming clean on this......this IMHO is debateable. If you want your husband to have as much information as possible...then tell him... if you feel it will releive your conscience...then tell him. Just be sure to mitigate your expectations.... However, bear in mind that telling him wont make your thoughts of your AP go away...it wont change that you appear to be easy to goad into an affair (re....your friend sliding in while consoling you over the last affair). Which could mean that even if you save this you may just be prolonging the inevitable. Before you say or do anything as far as your marriage goes, you need to think about where you want to be. Nobody but yourself can help you there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 OK lets take a little more even handed approach to this... Many here are saying that you cant rebuild your marriage without coming clean on this......this IMHO is debateable. If you want your husband to have as much information as possible...then tell him... if you feel it will releive your conscience...then tell him. Just be sure to mitigate your expectations.... However, bear in mind that telling him wont make your thoughts of your AP go away...it wont change that you appear to be easy to goad into an affair (re....your friend sliding in while consoling you over the last affair). Which could mean that even if you save this you may just be prolonging the inevitable. Before you say or do anything as far as your marriage goes, you need to think about where you want to be. Nobody but yourself can help you there. I agree with most of this post, actually. I still say tell...and I disagree that telling him won't speed up the process of "getting over" your affair partner. Focusing all your effort into recovering and rebuilding your marriage from the damage of infidelity is probably one of the key ways to actually speed this process along. It gives you much less time and energy to focus on your exAP, and more reason to focus on actually fixing the problems and issues in your marriage. If you personally feel that hiding all of this information from your H is "ok"...that's always your perogative. But you'll find that most of the "BS's" (betrayed spouses) around here...those of us who have been on your H's side of things...will be the ones to say that you SHOULD tell him. For a large number of reasons. The folks who have been through this situation from your H's perspective are the primary advocates for ensuring that he knows, that he can make an informed decision on whether or not to reconcile this marriage with you, and to ensure that he's fully aware of what it is he's facing as part of that task. But knowing that only you can fix you is a major realization to come to as well. Can't get anywhere if you lose focus of that. Good luck to you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 I told my husband that I felt like we were drifting apart. He said he felt everything was fine and we just went on as usual. If you had taken this step further and TOLD your husband WHY you felt disconnected with him - TOLD him about the connection you felt with another man, then possibly your husband would've reacted differently and stepped up to the plate if he knew you were into someone else. You let this happen...Instead of pushing and talking to your husband, you decided to go off and pursue another man anyway. What is about you that you turn to men? Why didn't talk just talk to your husband? A WOMAN friend? Why a GUY? These are things you need to ask yourself. YOU HAVE TO TELL your husband the truth. He competing with other men. Also, you are LYING and MANIPULATING HIM by asking him to change his ways when you are doing nothing - Hiding a big lie from him. HE needs to know the truth so HE can decide if he wants to stay with you, fix things or divorce. You are putting everything on him instead of putting blame on yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 I agree with most of this post, actually. . Oh my gad hell hath frozen solid Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 Oh my gad hell hath frozen solid I know...I'm looking skywards fearfully now, waiting for the lightning bolts to begin raining down at any moment! Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 Since you seem to easily jump into affairs, I think telling your husband would at least make it so that there is someone in your life that knows and will hold you accountable. - If he decides to stay & work things out with you. If you don't tell him, what's to stop you from repeatedly cheating, since you so clearly got away with it? I'm not saying that by telling him, you're guaranteed NOT to cheat on him ever again, but at least when you know that he knows and that he's going to expect complete transparency from you, and hold you accountable to your actions, that will at least, make you stop and think about the risks you'd be taking. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
East7 Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 I turned to a close male friend at work. Someone who I knew would not judge me. He was primarily my friend but knows my husband and had been to our house several times before with his son. He is divorced. He listened to me as a grieved the loss of the man I'd met and helped me try to pull myself together but then he made a pass at me and we started an affair. So you found a new Other man to heal from the 'first' OM..? IMO, you don't love any of the 3 men, your H included. You need to first fix yourself before fixing your marriage. Also telling your H is the best favor you can do him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 Why a GUY? These are things you need to ask yourself. Theres nothing wrong with turning to "a GUY"....just make sure its the "right guy"...just like anything else Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 Theres nothing wrong with turning to "a GUY"....just make sure its the "right guy"...just like anything else are you the "right guy" SC? Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 (edited) are you the "right guy" SC? lol... hehehhe Funny, I'm sure many of you find me to be a dawg....and I am in some ways.... lol But one thing I wont do is push up on friends... especially ones who are emotionally compromised....and I do have many female friends and been tested time and time again..... I guess its just my "line" lol So Cubby if your BF ever drops you..........or you cheat (stone cold rubs his hads together and grins evily ) and you need consoling.....c'mon over to my place.... I'll put on some Barry White and be a complete gentleman....scouts honour Edited March 26, 2012 by StoneCold Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 lol... hehehhe Funny, I'm sure many of you find me to be a dawg....and I am in some ways.... lol But one thing I wont do is push up on friends... especially ones who are emotionally compromised....and I do have many female friends and been tested time and time again..... I guess its just my "line" lol So Cubby if your BF ever drops you..........or you cheat (stone cold rubs his hads together and grins evily ) and you need consoling.....c'mon over to my place.... I'll put on some Barry White and be a complete gentleman....scouts honour haha, good to know. I'll keep that in mind oh please, my bf would never drop me - no man would drop somethin this fine!! oh...and yeah I wouldn't cheat. but if anything else happens, I'll come to you for comfort Link to post Share on other sites
East7 Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 So Cubby if your BF ever drops you..........or you cheat (stone cold rubs his hads together and grins evily ) and you need consoling.....c'mon over to my place.... I'll put on some Barry White and be a complete gentleman....scouts honour Barry White ? :laugh: You don't stand a chance with TC, believe me Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 Barry White ? :laugh: You don't stand a chance with TC, believe me aawww, mon chou 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ninja'sHusband Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 Yup, you need to tell him. He probably doesn't have any idea how serious things are. If he finds out without you telling him...it will be a million times worse than if you had come clean on your own. Tell him *the whole truth*. That is the only way you will rebuild trust. It is the only way you will feel connected again. Your H doesn't even know who you are anymore, and you know that. It makes you feel disconnected with him. How can he love you for you who are if he doesn't even know you? Give him a chance to show you how big his heart is. I bet he will fight for the M. He'll be pretty angry too, let him get through that. TRUTH, your H can handle it. Your M will die without it. When you said that you went to a coworker to talk, I knew before I read it that you would end up in an A with the other guy too. You need to talk to your H about your deep personal issues. Then you can connect with him, not the next guy you share your problems with and bond with. If you had just come completely clean from the beginning you could have avoided both physical affairs (PAs) Truth!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 I agree with Stone Cold. You need to think about this situation. Why are you having affairs? You say that you love your H but your actions say otherwise. What are you looking for in the other men? Once you know, then you can decide what to do. Maybe your M isn't as good as you protest it to be. It's time to face the facts... I think whatever you choose to do, you still have to tell your H. If you realize you need to D, you'll have to tell him how you came to that realization. If you decide you want to stay married, then you owe your H the truth. Not telling him is denying him the right to make a choice. In any case, these things have a way of coming to light...eventually. The way you tell your story shows a bit of denial, I think. You state what you did and you say you love your H. But the fact that you're here means that you can see the disconnect in this situation. That's a good thing. So give it some thought. What is it that you want? Link to post Share on other sites
Ninja'sHusband Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 D before telling your H how serious things are is just unfair to him. Give him a shot at trying to be a better H before just walking out (or like Nemo said, a way out). Of course you can't expect much from him initially. You have a huge mess to clean up first. 2 years is average A recovery from what I understand. Once you two have worked through some of the pain of dealing with that, he'll be able to work on himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bellechica Posted March 26, 2012 Author Share Posted March 26, 2012 I realize that I am the one with the problem and that I had lost the connection with my husband. I have been doing a lot of personal reflection to see what's led me to this desperate point of turning to these other men who were so different than my husband. I have been reading a lot about infidelity and rebuilding marriages. The confessing to the affair is debatable in much of what I've read. I realize many of you are not going to like me here and have condemned me to hell but I came here so as to never turn to another man to meet my emotional or physical needs. My husband and I are spending time reconnecting and we have finally opened up about many of our issues. I feel like we aren't the blobs we once were....living like roommates. I have been feeling more fulfilled knowing that I've let my AP go but I'm very honest in saying that I still miss talking to him but I know I just need have him out of my life so I can focus on getting myself together for my husband so I'll never repeat these mistakes. I will break this pattern. I'm not here for a popularity contest. I'm here to stop this behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninja'sHusband Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 I realize that I am the one with the problem and that I had lost the connection with my husband. I have been doing a lot of personal reflection to see what's led me to this desperate point of turning to these other men who were so different than my husband. I have been reading a lot about infidelity and rebuilding marriages. The confessing to the affair is debatable in much of what I've read. I realize many of you are not going to like me here and have condemned me to hell but I came here so as to never turn to another man to meet my emotional or physical needs. My husband and I are spending time reconnecting and we have finally opened up about many of our issues. I feel like we aren't the blobs we once were....living like roommates. I have been feeling more fulfilled knowing that I've let my AP go but I'm very honest in saying that I still miss talking to him but I know I just need have him out of my life so I can focus on getting myself together for my husband so I'll never repeat these mistakes. I will break this pattern. I'm not here for a popularity contest. I'm here to stop this behavior. The longer you hide this, the more damage it does. The worse it will be when he finds out. Also there's more chance you will do it again. He needs to know he shouldn't be so comfortable with the boundaries you guys have. Both of you need a wake up call and to have a serious boundary discussion. What's appropriate and what's not? Clearly here (just like with my WW) the boundary is that relationship issues should be discussed with the H first! You are gambling everything by not telling him. All the work, everything you've achieved so far....down the toilet and worse if he finds out from another source. You are going to live the rest of your life with this huge secret from your life partner? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ninja'sHusband Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 Exactly, before all this happened, I used to wonder if I'd want to know about an A or not. Now I know. The BS absolutely needs to know! Otherwise the entire relationship is a lie, nothing can ever heal. The problems in the M are completely unknown to the BS, they don't even know who they are with, what they need and how much they need it. They don't know what the effective boundaries are...on and on ...it's a total farse just waiting to collapse into rubble. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bellechica Posted March 26, 2012 Author Share Posted March 26, 2012 Of course I know that I am selfish and I'm selfish in wanting to restore my marriage and spare my kids and family the pain of a possible divorce. I'm working on myself and being a better person. I'm doing better. I try ending the affair with my friend many times. We had no contact for awhile and then he would text me or call and we would fall back into it. I will NOT do that this time. He deserves a woman who can be his 100% and love him fully. My husband deserves the wife he used to have. I feel like he and I both let our marriage down but I will work on doing whatever I can to reconnect. I realize I have boundary issues with men. I've had other men hit on me during my marriage and never felt tempted. It wasn't until I met the main at the conference and felt that spark that I realized how far I'd drifted from my husband. I promise I will get that connection back. For the first time in a long time I am starting to feel like my husband is my best friend again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bellechica Posted March 26, 2012 Author Share Posted March 26, 2012 And I seem to be in the minority here. A we who has not divuldged her affair. If you all can recommend a forum for ppl in my situation then I will leave. I guess I'm just trying to turn to someone so I'll never do this again. I don't expect the ws here to understand that an affair is painful to the ws. Yes it's like a drug but it's also like losing yourself and feeling so out of control and hating yourself. I've cried more in the last year over something that helped me escape reality and feel fleetingly good but I never ever want to experience this again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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