New here. Married woman who had affair and just ended for good I hope

[findingnemo]

Belle, your presence here isn't ticking us off. Do you think you are the only one in the world who has done something bad? We aren't judging you, we are judging your actions - past, present and future. You are sorry for what you've done, we get that. What we are pointing out is the disconnect between what you want and what you are doing.

 

I think that it's a good idea for you to take time to read your thread again and think about it. I also want you to realize that just because you did something bad doesn't mean YOU ARE BAD. The As stink but what you do after the As, what you do now and in the future will make the difference.

 

You are HOPING that your secret is safe. It's like playing Russian Roulette with your M, your kids lives, your H's heart and finally with your own peace of mind. What you fear the most - the demise of your M - is what you'll get if you rely on hope that you'll never be discovered. The odds are against you but you have every right to take the gamble.

[JustJoe]

Belle, your presence here isn't ticking us off. Do you think you are the only one in the world who has done something bad? We aren't judging you, we are judging your actions - past, present and future. You are sorry for what you've done, we get that. What we are pointing out is the disconnect between what you want and what you are doing.

 

I think that it's a good idea for you to take time to read your thread again and think about it. I also want you to realize that just because you did something bad doesn't mean YOU ARE BAD. The As stink but what you do after the As, what you do now and in the future will make the difference.

 

You are HOPING that your secret is safe. It's like playing Russian Roulette with your M, your kids lives, your H's heart and finally with your own peace of mind. What you fear the most - the demise of your M - is what you'll get if you rely on hope that you'll never be discovered. The odds are against you but you have every right to take the gamble.

This is right on. Bella, nobody is against you, we are against what you are doing. I don't have a monopoly on morality any more than anybody else. I feel that , in order ofr your marriage to progress, it is necessary for you to come clean, but there are ways to make this less painful for your husband and you. You can get into MC and disclose with your counselor present to help you explain your issues and the methods you can use to make amends. A good site for help with this is ( Marriage Builders) they have counselors who can talk you through how and when to disclose.

[ISurvived]

No I feel it's much more judgmental here. I'm not seeking sympathy or validation. I know I was wrong that's why I quit the A. I just want to stop the cycle and figure out why I got to this horrible point in my life. It just bothers me that ppl here see only one way to fix things and I just can't picture my kids losing their home and what they see as a happy home. Yes I played the kid "card" ! Y'all think I'm a self wench anyway. The A was selfish, yes....the most selfish thing I've ever done and I NEVER want to be in one again. But I feel like I can live with guilt rather than see my family destroyed. I was at least strong enough to quit the A n shut up about me not loving my H. You all don't know me or my life or his and we are trying. I honestly believe most ppl here would love to "out" me if they could....would that make you happy? Destroy the lives of ppl u don't know?

 

You and you alone have made the choices that may destroy your marriage.

 

You seem to want a pat on the back for ending the A. You want everyone to give you credit for ending something you shouldn't have been doing to begin with? You are still being selfish!!

 

You don't like hearing the truth. No one is going to agree with you continuing to disrespect your husband and children.

 

Time to get over yourself and finally put your husband and children first.

[Kidd]

I discovered my wife's affair. She didn't disclose it. When I confronted her, she broke down, apologized, and cried. I held her. It was surreal. But the fact is that he's not going to instantly fall out of love with you. While we all say we would never tolerate infidelity, the reality is that we didn't know what we were talking about. Most people stay initially. That's why the way you handle it is so important. It's not the affair that kills the marriage, it's actually usually the continued lies afterwards. We're trying to get you to step 1. I also agree that few ppl here are trying to judge you. I want to see people survive infidelity. There's 1 very long, straight path to do it with landmines on both sides. We're yelling because you keep walking off the pathway.

 

Good luck in IC today.

[frozensprouts]

OP,

people aren't saying the things they are to be cruel or mean to you...

 

most of us are saying it because we have been in your husband's shoes, and we know what it is like, and we know what helped us and what didn't help us.

while it's true that every situation is different, it is also true that every situation has some variables that are basically the same.

 

Assume for a minute that your husband finds out that you have had an affair from someone other than you. What do you think will happen? If I were in his shoes, I don't think i could ever trust you again, no matter how much you tried to change that. But if you had been upfront and told me, yes, i would have been horribly hurt, but the fact that you told me would show that you felt bad and wanted to be honest with me...we could truly make a fresh start...

why go through the rest of your life with this sword of dameclies over your head? you're betting your life on the fcat that these other two guys will keep their mouths closed and not spill the beans. can you trust that?

you are not a bad or evil person...you just screwed up...so have a lot of other people...but you are trying to atone for that and make things better, which is great, but it would be even better if you were to start off from a place of honesty. Your husband may very well be able to forgive you, but he may find it much harder if he finds out later that you have been lying to him...that lie may well end up invalidating all the progress you have made in your marriage, and that would be awful for both of you, and your children as well.

 

no one here thinks ill of you, we just want to help you and hope that you and your husband are able to reconcile and go on to be happy. I can tell you that if I felt that my husband hadn't been honest with me, or if I had found out about his affair from someone else other than him, I couldn't have ever trusted him again, and we would never have reconciled. Our family would have been split apart....not so much because of the affair itself, but because of his dishonesty.

 

that's all i'll say about it, and i really do hope for the bets for you and your husband/family...reconciliation is possible, but it's a long, difficult process. I hope you guys are able to make it happen for you:)

[stillafool]

No I feel it's much more judgmental here. I'm not seeking sympathy or validation. I know I was wrong that's why I quit the A. I just want to stop the cycle and figure out why I got to this horrible point in my life. It just bothers me that ppl here see only one way to fix things and I just can't picture my kids losing their home and what they see as a happy home. Yes I played the kid "card" ! Y'all think I'm a self wench anyway. The A was selfish, yes....the most selfish thing I've ever done and I NEVER want to be in one again. But I feel like I can live with guilt rather than see my family destroyed. I was at least strong enough to quit the A n shut up about me not loving my H. You all don't know me or my life or his and we are trying. I honestly believe most ppl here would love to "out" me if they could....would that make you happy? Destroy the lives of ppl u don't know?

 

You need to stop your 'pity party'. If you feel we are too judgmental why keep posting? I hope you can get the help you need in IC.

[bentnotbroken]

No I feel it's much more judgmental here. I'm not seeking sympathy or validation. I know I was wrong that's why I quit the A. I just want to stop the cycle and figure out why I got to this horrible point in my life. It just bothers me that ppl here see only one way to fix things and I just can't picture my kids losing their home and what they see as a happy home. Yes I played the kid "card" ! Y'all think I'm a self wench anyway. The A was selfish, yes....the most selfish thing I've ever done and I NEVER want to be in one again. But I feel like I can live with guilt rather than see my family destroyed. I was at least strong enough to quit the A n shut up about me not loving my H. You all don't know me or my life or his and we are trying. I honestly believe most ppl here would love to "out" me if they could....would that make you happy? Destroy the lives of ppl u don't know?

 

 

I won't lie to you. If I knew you or your husband I would tell him and show him everything you have posted here. The other site you have a stop sign. Otherwise you would be getting the same responses from BS as here. But the WS and former AP are telling you the same thing.

[anne1707]

You're wrong. They come here all the time. You aren't the only WW that come here they just don't stay long.

 

Some of us do stay.

 

I feel like a witch that walked into Salem. I can feel the distain and hatred here. I am glad I'm going to IC tomorrow.....

 

Belle

 

To be honest, you really are not getting that much flak here. I have seen (and personally received!) far worse here.

 

My H and I have successfully reconciled following my affair. That was done by us being COMPLETELY honest with each other. How on earth could we fix the marriage together if he did not know the truth?

 

To continue the lie is to continue the affair in my opinion. You need to give your H the right to decide whether he wants to stay married to you - this is not your decision to make.

[woinlove]

I feel like a witch that walked into Salem. I can feel the distain and hatred here. I am glad I'm going to IC tomorrow.....

 

Such strong words, disdain and hatred, where what I see is people trying to convince you that thinking you can fool and trick your H for a lifetime (1) is not very realistic and (2) why do you want to live that way. If there is disdain here, I think it is in how you are treating your H.

 

It is good that you are going to IC because it seems your mind is closed to the idea of trying to live an authentic life, of accepting responsibility for your own actions, and of really loving others and expecting others to love the real you. Perhaps you are afraid of telling your H not just because he may leave you but because you feel no one should love you for who you actually are and the best you can do is trick someone into thinking you are not who you are. I feel every person deserves to love themselves and to be loved for themselves, but sometimes it is a long road getting to that point. I hope IC helps you get there.

[Owl]

Belle, I'd like to point out to you that Anne1707 has been exactly in your shoes (hope you don't mind my mentioning this, Anne!).

 

She was exactly in your position, facing the exact same choice, and getting pressure from many of the same folks to tell her H the truth.

 

Anne has successfully reconciled her marriage as a result. She's posting from a perspective VERY similar to your own, but much further down the path.

 

And she's right...no one has insulted or attacked you...simply tried pointing out to you that your "odds of successful recovery" are going to be massively lower if you try to reconcile your marriage without giving your H the full truth. For a large number of reasons.

 

It's up to you.

[nofool4u]

And yes go ahead and say it "you can't have a partnership based on lies"

 

Why? You aren't going to listen to it anyway.

[nofool4u]

No I feel it's much more judgmental here. I'm not seeking sympathy or validation.

 

But you don't want to entertain the advice of the people here either. So not sure what you want other than to tell us what you intend to do, or not do.

 

 

It just bothers me that ppl here see only one way to fix things

 

No, it bothers you that you don't want to do what is necessary. Doing the right thing is usually not easy.

 

 

and I just can't picture my kids losing their home and what they see as a happy home.

 

Were you picturing that when you were cheating on their father?

 

 

I was at least strong enough to quit the A n shut up about me not loving my H.

 

No, we are not going to shut up about you not loving your husband.

 

Love would have kept you from bedding down another man.

 

 

 

You all don't know me or my life or his and we are trying. I honestly believe most ppl here would love to "out" me if they could....would that make you happy? Destroy the lives of ppl u don't know?

 

The problem is, you think its the declaration of your cheating that would destroy lives.

Wrong, its the cheating itself that would.

 

So thats fine, keep your unsuspecting husband in the dark. Keep lying to him. Don't let him decide what kind of woman he spends the rest of his life with.

 

And the next time you decide you want that excitement of cheating, don't tell him then either. Never learn a lesson, and never face any consequences.

[nofool4u]

I discovered my wife's affair. She didn't disclose it. When I confronted her, she broke down, apologized, and cried. I held her. It was surreal. But the fact is that he's not going to instantly fall out of love with you.

 

Well, thats not a fact. Depends on the person. I can say without a doubt that I instantly fell out of love with my wife. Instantly meaning about a day after I found out and went through all of the emotions and being in shock.

 

She was no longer the women I fell in love with, and never would be again.

 

 

While we all say we would never tolerate infidelity, the reality is that we didn't know what we were talking about.

 

I did.

 

Now her husband might be quite different. Either way, he deserves to know what kind of woman he is married to. But she won't tell him. As if cheating wasn't already selfish enough.

[ISurvived]

No I feel it's much more judgmental here. I'm not seeking sympathy or validation. I know I was wrong that's why I quit the A. I just want to stop the cycle and figure out why I got to this horrible point in my life. It just bothers me that ppl here see only one way to fix things and I just can't picture my kids losing their home and what they see as a happy home. Yes I played the kid "card" ! Y'all think I'm a self wench anyway. The A was selfish, yes....the most selfish thing I've ever done and I NEVER want to be in one again. But I feel like I can live with guilt rather than see my family destroyed. I was at least strong enough to quit the A n shut up about me not loving my H. You all don't know me or my life or his and we are trying. I honestly believe most ppl here would love to "out" me if they could....would that make you happy? Destroy the lives of ppl u don't know?

 

Nah, you're getting spanked with the truth on SI also. You just don't like the truth.

[Dog Woman]

He has listened and we are both giving 100 percent into building a stronger marriage. I know I can't have any contact with the other man if I want my marriage to survive, but unfortunately it's not making me forget my affair partner. *I miss talking to him and I miss our friendship. We were friends before all this devastation happened, and I fear we will never be friends again. It hurts to know this.....I'm not sure why I'm sharing all this but that's my story.

 

Good for you that you are giving your marriage another try and well done for deciding you must have no contact with your affair partner but you dont sound sure that concentrating on your marriage is what you really want. For you own sake you have got to make a choice and stick to it. If you are 100% committed to your marriage then through time you will forget your affair partner. Unfortunately it is highly unlikely you would regain a friendship with your affair partner.

 

I have just ended an emotional affair with another man. We had decided to end our physical affair a couple of months ago but he still wanted to have contact with me as friends but it has become clear recently that he was still treating me as a girlfriend, which I could not cope with. I have decided to break all contact with him and asked him to do the same.

 

I am trying hard to forget my AP and just last night something happened that I would have shared with him. How I resisted the temptation to contact him was to think of something negative he has said to me and resent him for it. For instance in the last text I received from him when I asked him not to text me and concentrate on his wife instead, he retorted that I couldn't cope with the affair either wanted everything or nothing from him. He still believed we could be friends. We crossed the line last year and I felt we couldnt go back so I felt we had to break all contact.

[frozensprouts]

Good for you that you are giving your marriage another try and well done for deciding you must have no contact with your affair partner but you dont sound sure that concentrating on your marriage is what you really want. For you own sake you have got to make a choice and stick to it. If you are 100% committed to your marriage then through time you will forget your affair partner. Unfortunately it is highly unlikely you would regain a friendship with your affair partner.

 

I have just ended an emotional affair with another man. We had decided to end our physical affair a couple of months ago but he still wanted to have contact with me as friends but it has become clear recently that he was still treating me as a girlfriend, which I could not cope with. I have decided to break all contact with him and asked him to do the same.

 

I am trying hard to forget my AP and just last night something happened that I would have shared with him. How I resisted the temptation to contact him was to think of something negative he has said to me and resent him for it. For instance in the last text I received from him when I asked him not to text me and concentrate on his wife instead, he retorted that I couldn't cope with the affair either wanted everything or nothing from him. He still believed we could be friends. We crossed the line last year and I felt we couldnt go back so I felt we had to break all contact.

 

 

good for you...

like that saying about even the longest journey starts with a single step...one foot in font of the other, one step at a time and you'll well on your way:)

[elfman]

That will all probably come CRASHING down when he learns of your 2 affairs on his own. You're building your house on sand sweetpea, sorry to burst your bubble. HE WILL FIND OUT eventually, the truth always comes out... don't be surprised if your exAP starts seeing you happy in your marriage for the first time and decides to go all "Deepthroat" on you by disclosing it himself just to screw you over... this is VERY VERY common.

[Dog Woman]

good for you...

like that saying about even the longest journey starts with a single step...one foot in font of the other, one step at a time and you'll well on your way:)

Hopefully in a week's time when I could cross paths with him again I will have walked enough steps to deal with a possible encounter. We both show dogs, that's how we met, and we are both due to exhibit at the same venue next weekend. I have been tempted to not go to the show but love showing my dogs so providing the dogs coats and in good condition, I am still intending on going. How I will feel if I see him, I don't know. I don't hate the guy I actually hate myself for not resisting the temptation in the first place.

[elfman]

And yes go ahead and say it "you can't have a partnership based on lies"

 

Bella, you should realize that all the people here are taking the time to answer you because they care enough. I would personally love to hear back from you saying you told your H and he gave you another chance, since you absolutely seem like you want to be with him and work on your issues.

 

BUT you should also realize that everyone here, and everyone at SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity (Surviving Infidelity) is telling you the same thing, YOU HAVE TO TELL YOUR HUSBAND.

 

By not doing it your not doing anyone except yourself a favor.

[drifter777]

There were times when I thought about leaving and going to be with my AP but I also have enough sense to see that an A is a freaking fantasy and not a partnership. I also know that the A made me focus on the negatives in my M and the faults of my H. Ending the A has made me try to look for the good in what I have. My husband and I have both acknowledged that we just ignore our problems like just pretending like not having sex was ok. Yes, I guess I am still in denial that not telling him will be alright but I am so fearful of what might happen what I truly believe will happen. I've known him for almost twenty years so I believe I'm the best judge to know that he isn't going to stay with me. Yes women initiate D more than woman but a BH is less likely to stand by a WW than a BW to a WH. I admire all of you BS here that have chosen to fight for your M.

 

If you believe you can hide your affair from your husband forever, then by all means do it. Why put him through that pain when you can just keep it all a secret.

 

I believe that many, many marriages survive that are built on lies. Maybe you can find a way to make your marriage happier and more satisfying. If not, you really need to consider divorce and a fresh start. But if you are satisfied with just surviving, you can probably get that by keeping your outside sexual activities a secret.

[anne1707]

Belle, I'd like to point out to you that Anne1707 has been exactly in your shoes (hope you don't mind my mentioning this, Anne!).

 

Not at all Owl. Apart from the high opinion of you, I continue to post here in the hope that I can help someone who wants to reconcile and may be able to relate to my story.

 

She was exactly in your position, facing the exact same choice, and getting pressure from many of the same folks to tell her H the truth.

 

Almost the same. Dday happened a couple of days before I joined LS. However I was well and truly in the fog, head an absolute mess and still some way of being honest with myself and therefore my husband. It was however only when we found that honesty that we actually started to reconcile.

 

Anne has successfully reconciled her marriage as a result. She's posting from a perspective VERY similar to your own, but much further down the path.

 

Almost 4 years now

 

And the only way we got where we are now is by talking to each other and being honest with each other.

 

And she's right...no one has insulted or attacked you...simply tried pointing out to you that your "odds of successful recovery" are going to be massively lower if you try to reconcile your marriage without giving your H the full truth. For a large number of reasons.

 

Absolutely no insults here compared to how it can be (I know I suffered the wrath of Dexter Morgan and Darth Vader for a start - you think those 2 are scary in films? You should have tried them here on LS! )

 

But I also felt I deserved the criticism - plus it also helped me open my eyes to the truth of my situation and how much I had ****ed things up

 

 

It's up to you.

 

It is up to you Belle. Think of your H and his feelings/needs.

[Bellechica]

I do know you all are trying to help....I know that and I appreciate it. I will say Elfman that I don't believe my exAP will every "out" me. He agreed to support me in rebuilding my M by staying away. He has even said that I should be thankful for all I have. I am now and I wish him happiness, and hope he finds a gf or wife. He was wrong to hit on me when I went to him after AP1 when I told him that I wanted to work on my M. It is my own fault for letting the As happen instead of getting counseling when I felt connected to these men. Too little to late and I disgust myself. The IC went well today and no I would not lie to the MC. I'm just trying to cope and survive right now and work thru fear and anxiety....and thank you for all the posts. I have reread them and I'm reading and researching so many things. I had been to the marriage builders website before. It has been helpful and I'm doing what I can to change. My H and I are going out and spending more alone time and talking more. I just feel like there is hope we can be happy.

[anne1707]

You would not lie to the MC? But isn't your H going to be with you?

[Bellechica]

Anne, touché...touché. I'm going to wait on MC. I just had my first IC today. I think I'm going to try to process my own issues first. Why I've somehow gotten to be a person I don't even know any more.....

[Kidd]

I do know you all are trying to help....I know that and I appreciate it. I will say Elfman that I don't believe my exAP will every "out" me. He agreed to support me in rebuilding my M by staying away. He has even said that I should be thankful for all I have. I am now and I wish him happiness, and hope he finds a gf or wife. He was wrong to hit on me when I went to him after AP1 when I told him that I wanted to work on my M. It is my own fault for letting the As happen instead of getting counseling when I felt connected to these men. Too little to late and I disgust myself. The IC went well today and no I would not lie to the MC. I'm just trying to cope and survive right now and work thru fear and anxiety....and thank you for all the posts. I have reread them and I'm reading and researching so many things. I had been to the marriage builders website before. It has been helpful and I'm doing what I can to change. My H and I are going out and spending more alone time and talking more. I just feel like there is hope we can be happy.

 

I also believe your AP sounds unlikely to give you up. Some do. I had a brief but intense revenge affair when I lost my fool mind trying to reconcile with my wife. My AP had her heart broken but stayed NC with me and never would have given me up. Belle, I'm going to try to stop lecturing you. My personal belief is that your conscience has gotten the best of you and that it is just a matter of time before it takes you to the next level. You won't be able to keep this secret forever; it's already eating you up. Your post tonight was the most level-headed to date. You understand the fogginess of your perspective, you continue to read and to post, your IC will continue to challenge you to look internally. I encourage you to continue to seek help from the waywards at SI. You can trust that they have been in your shoes and many of them have successfully reconciled. They know the way.