New here. Married woman who had affair and just ended for good I hope

[bentnotbroken]

You are correct. Your healing came through Jesus. It is because you were honest and told the truth. You are advising Belle not to be honest. This is against all Christian teaching. How do you square that with your faith?

 

 

I would like to know the answer to this as well.

[nofool4u]

I would like to know the answer to this as well.

 

People who choose to cheat, lie, and continue to lie, going to church is like pouring perfume on a pig.

[bentnotbroken]

People who choose to cheat, lie, and continue to lie, going to church is like pouring perfume on a pig.

 

 

And putting earrings and lipstick on it.

[stillafool]

Thank you Darius and I realize that I should never have confided in another man. I know I have boundary issues. I know that there is a possibility that down the road the A may come out....right now I'm willing to risk this as I see that either way the outcome will be the same. I have another IC session this afternoon.

 

If you don't stop posting on this forum he may find out the truth anyway. One day he may just read up on your dirt. One day you just may leave some link to this forum available and then - all hell will break lose. Just sayin.

[Bellechica]

Well sorry, but I'm sure you will blame your husband for this, but I'm sure since you had the excitement of sex with a different man, that your husband is now just the same-old-same-old. I highly doubt the lack of intimacy is completely his fault.

 

----No the intamacy issue is something that goes back years way before the A.

 

 

 

 

See, here we go again. Blaming your husband as if you didn't have any role somehow to play in the marital problems. Why isn't your husband as inimate as you'd like? Because I think most men would have sex with their wives any time they can get it. So why do you think your husband isn't as intimate as you'd like

 

-----I hate to tell you sir but this isn't the case with my H and you cannot make a blanket statement such as this about all men. Except for the first few years of our marriage, when my H seemed more interested, our sex life for most of the M has been very lacking and we have gone dry for many months and even a year. I am primarily the aggressor or initiator of sex with H but I've felt lots of rejection. This absolutely doesn't excuse my choices but it is something which should be addressed. I know both my husband and I avoid conflict. We rarely argue. I think he still finds me attractive but maybe he just feels pressured, I don't know. I'm trying to find comfort in other forms of intimacy. I do not expect sex with him to be like the A. I'm at least aware that that was mostly lust. I won't compare the two.

[ISurvived]

Well sorry, but I'm sure you will blame your husband for this, but I'm sure since you had the excitement of sex with a different man, that your husband is now just the same-old-same-old. I highly doubt the lack of intimacy is completely his fault.

 

----No the intamacy issue is something that goes back years way before the A.

 

 

 

 

See, here we go again. Blaming your husband as if you didn't have any role somehow to play in the marital problems. Why isn't your husband as inimate as you'd like? Because I think most men would have sex with their wives any time they can get it. So why do you think your husband isn't as intimate as you'd like

 

-----I hate to tell you sir but this isn't the case with my H and you cannot make a blanket statement such as this about all men. Except for the first few years of our marriage, when my H seemed more interested, our sex life for most of the M has been very lacking and we have gone dry for many months and even a year. I am primarily the aggressor or initiator of sex with H but I've felt lots of rejection. This absolutely doesn't excuse my choices but it is something which should be addressed. I know both my husband and I avoid conflict. We rarely argue. I think he still finds me attractive but maybe he just feels pressured, I don't know. I'm trying to find comfort in other forms of intimacy. I do not expect sex with him to be like the A. I'm at least aware that that was mostly lust. I won't compare the two.

 

Intimacy is derived from love, respect, honesty, etc. How do you expect to be intimate with your BH when you can't be honest with him?

 

I agree that he may have an issue with sex. Why don't you just divorce him if this is a deal breaker for you? If the "dry spell" continues, I guarantee you will cheat again. Best to be honest, get everything out in the open and deal with it all, including the sex issues.

 

You are either part of the solution or the problem. You continue to be dishonest, which is a problem. Honesty is always the way to go, always. Otherwise, you continue to have to build new lies to cover old lies, to cover new lies. Vicious cycle that never ends.

[nofool4u]

Well sorry, but I'm sure you will blame your husband for this, but I'm sure since you had the excitement of sex with a different man, that your husband is now just the same-old-same-old. I highly doubt the lack of intimacy is completely his fault.

 

----No the intamacy issue is something that goes back years way before the A.

 

And I'll say again, I highly doubt the lack of intimacy is completely his fault.

 

 

See, here we go again. Blaming your husband as if you didn't have any role somehow to play in the marital problems. Why isn't your husband as inimate as you'd like? Because I think most men would have sex with their wives any time they can get it. So why do you think your husband isn't as intimate as you'd like?

 

-----I hate to tell you sir but this isn't the case with my H and you cannot make a blanket statement such as this about all men.

 

Ya, which is why I said MOST men.

 

 

Except for the first few years of our marriage, when my H seemed more interested, our sex life for most of the M has been very lacking and we have gone dry for many months and even a year. I am primarily the aggressor or initiator of sex with H but I've felt lots of rejection.

 

So I'll ask you again, why do you think this is?

 

 

This absolutely doesn't excuse my choices but it is something which should be addressed. I know both my husband and I avoid conflict. We rarely argue. I think he still finds me attractive but maybe he just feels pressured, I don't know. I'm trying to find comfort in other forms of intimacy. I do not expect sex with him to be like the A. I'm at least aware that that was mostly lust. I won't compare the two.

 

Again, why do you think he rejects you? Is it all on him and you felt justified to cheat? Or did something happen during the marriage? Life changing? Did you reject him years prior maybe when having kids(if you have them, can't remember if you said).

 

Because so far you are putting all the blame on him. If he finds you attractive, then come on, there has to be something. Was he depressed about something? If he didn't then, boy he sure would now if he knows what his wife did.

[Bittersweetie]

----No the intamacy issue is something that goes back years way before the A.

 

Okay, Bella, if you've made the choice to keep quiet for now, that's your deal. But to touch on another thing you've brought up...obviously you're unhappy about the lack of sexual intimacy. Then what are you doing about it? What ACTION are you taking to improve this aspect of the marriage with your husband?

 

After our d-day, my H had a list of action items for me and for us. One of them was to fix our sex life. He told me that he didn't want to be in a marriage with things the way they were, and neither did I. We'd tried to fix things many times before to no avail. But this time, we took serious action. Our marriage was on the line. And not just reading some books and giving lip service to the problem. Some of the issues stemmed from an incident when I was younger, so I went to group therapy to deal with that along with the related sexual issues. He took action as well when I shared the stuff from my therapy. We even had homework for goodness sake. When I looked back at each week, I could point to specific things I completed that was moving toward fixing this specific issue.

 

Was it easy? No. Did it result in some difficult conversations and situations? You bet. But we got through it. Together.

 

What actions are you taking to fix this issue?

[Bellechica]

Maybe he's been cheating as well. All the more reason to confess.

 

And don't say you know for a fact he hasn't or that he doesn't have the time or that he's always where he says he is or that he would never do that.

I certainly won't say that I know for certain that he hasn't or won't cheat. I really don't know why we are not as sexually intimate as we were in the first years of our marriage. And bittersweet, I am not doing anything about it right now. I am in IC trying to help me just cope and discover what has led me to make these choices.

 

When I was in the A I used to hope he might be in an A too and then we could just end the M and it wouldn't be my fault. I started reading about A and looking at the physiological effects it was having on my brain. I truly had an ephiphany that it was the A that was making me want to give up on my M not my own feelings for my H. My husband used to be my best friend and I allowed another man to replace that role. I am coming off the high of the A and pouring my energy into my H.

 

I didn't cheat because I wasn't having sex. I feel into an EA first because I needed to connect with someone and I didn't set boundaries.

 

I know I will need to really work on my own issues before I can really reconnect with my H.

 

In IC today, I was asked my biggest fear. For me it is something bad happening to my kids: cancer, accident or losing what they have always seen as a happy home. When I was in the A I was becoming a different person. I was slacking off on everything except my own selfish needs.

 

I haven't left this forum but I hope even the people here that disagree with my choices or who despise me can at least see that I'm just trying to function and come out of the fog to try to move forward.

[JustJoe]

I certainly won't say that I know for certain that he hasn't or won't cheat. I really don't know why we are not as sexually intimate as we were in the first years of our marriage. And bittersweet, I am not doing anything about it right now. I am in IC trying to help me just cope and discover what has led me to make these choices.

 

When I was in the A I used to hope he might be in an A too and then we could just end the M and it wouldn't be my fault. I started reading about A and looking at the physiological effects it was having on my brain. I truly had an ephiphany that it was the A that was making me want to give up on my M not my own feelings for my H. My husband used to be my best friend and I allowed another man to replace that role. I am coming off the high of the A and pouring my energy into my H.

 

I didn't cheat because I wasn't having sex. I feel into an EA first because I needed to connect with someone and I didn't set boundaries.

 

I know I will need to really work on my own issues before I can really reconnect with my H.

 

In IC today, I was asked my biggest fear. For me it is something bad happening to my kids: cancer, accident or losing what they have always seen as a happy home. When I was in the A I was becoming a different person. I was slacking off on everything except my own selfish needs.

 

I haven't left this forum but I hope even the people here that disagree with my choices or who despise me can at least see that I'm just trying to function and come out of the fog to try to move forward.

Belle, most of us would love it if you began to think of others besides yourself and your own fears, desires, and, and wants, but until you can be honest, we see very little to hope for from you. We have all been there in some capacity, and realize that the first need for recovery is honesty.

[HeavyHitter]

Okay, Bella, if you've made the choice to keep quiet for now, that's your deal. But to touch on another thing you've brought up...obviously you're unhappy about the lack of sexual intimacy. Then what are you doing about it? What ACTION are you taking to improve this aspect of the marriage with your husband?

 

After our d-day, my H had a list of action items for me and for us. One of them was to fix our sex life. He told me that he didn't want to be in a marriage with things the way they were, and neither did I. We'd tried to fix things many times before to no avail. But this time, we took serious action. Our marriage was on the line. And not just reading some books and giving lip service to the problem. Some of the issues stemmed from an incident when I was younger, so I went to group therapy to deal with that along with the related sexual issues. He took action as well when I shared the stuff from my therapy. We even had homework for goodness sake. When I looked back at each week, I could point to specific things I completed that was moving toward fixing this specific issue.

 

Was it easy? No. Did it result in some difficult conversations and situations? You bet. But we got through it. Together.

 

What actions are you taking to fix this issue?

 

She lost her right to complain. Too late now, since she decide she's going to keep him as her little pet.

[dariusbenedict]

You are correct. Your healing came through Jesus. It is because you were honest and told the truth. You are advising Belle not to be honest. This is against all Christian teaching. How do you square that with your faith?

 

Hello ISurvived,

 

Thank you for reacting about this. I wrote my reply to Belle's situation as open as I can. I re-read my reply and I have written incorrectly what I was trying to tell her. What I was trying to advice Belle is not to discuss the affair in details such as where did they went, what they did do and too much details as that. Just tell him about the affair but spare him the pain of the details.

[bentnotbroken]

Hello ISurvived,

 

Thank you for reacting about this. I wrote my reply to Belle's situation as open as I can. I re-read my reply and I have written incorrectly what I was trying to tell her. What I was trying to advice Belle is not to discuss the affair in details such as where did they went, what they did do and too much details as that. Just tell him about the affair but spare him the pain of the details.

 

 

Unless he wants the details. Some of us wanted them all. It isn't' up to her to decide what details she should spare him of. She has made all the decisions that brought her to this point so now he should get to make some.

[2sunny]

As long as you stay focused on that affair... You are keeping it alive.

 

Sop thinking about it! Start doing and thinking new and different things. Change will be good!

 

When you get to the point where you aren't thinking about it much anymore - that will be progress.

 

Stay busy! If you say your focus for happiness is your home life and family - then start putting big efforts into making that better/ stronger/happier!

 

You CAN change THOSE things and you can start right now!

[Bellechica]

2sunny I realize that even an angry thought about my exAP detracts from rebuilding. I try not to have any thoughts of him.

 

I see positive in my family and I'm way less grumpy than I was in the A. I was so short tempered then even if I didn't say anything. I was so negative

[2sunny]

2sunny I realize that even an angry thought about my exAP detracts from rebuilding. I try not to have any thoughts of him.

 

I see positive in my family and I'm way less grumpy than I was in the A. I was so short tempered then even if I didn't say anything. I was so negative

 

This is good to hear!

 

Now... There's no need to wait to begin reconnecting and growing the intimacy bigger in your M. You can do that while you also work on yourself.

 

Start by telling your H each day a few things you live about him. Show loving behavior with your actions and words. It can get the ball rolling in the right direction!

 

Working on yourself will take time - no need to wait to grow the M to a healthier place!

[whichwayisup]

I really don't know why we are not as sexually intimate as we were in the first years of our marriage.

 

Did you not ask him? Let him know that you felt rejected, not sexy, unloved, not needed by him not wanting to make love to you?

 

Was there NO intimacy? No cuddling, holding hands, kissing, hugs?

 

There's always a reason. Whether it be medical (depression, ED, other health issues) or emotional (again, depression, stress) or possibly he 1)fell out of 'attraction' for you, but still loves you, or 2)he was having an affair.

 

Either way, I'm glad you're in counselling. this will help you learn to communicate and listen. And, teach you boundries so you won't cheat again. YOu'll recognize the symptoms before they turn into a mistake by choosing to cheat.

[ISurvived]

My husband used to be my best friend and I allowed another man to replace that role.

 

I didn't cheat because I wasn't having sex. I feel into an EA first because I needed to connect with someone and I didn't set boundaries.

 

When I was in the A I was becoming a different person. I was slacking off on everything except my own selfish needs.

 

I haven't left this forum but I hope even the people here that disagree with my choices or who despise me can at least see that I'm just trying to function and come out of the fog to try to move forward.

 

You will never have your BH as your best friend again without complete honesty. Would you want your best friend to continue to lie to you?

 

All A's start as an EA. You say in one post your A was due a sexless marriage, now you try to back up on that.

 

You are still being selfish by not being honest.

 

The "fog" is a myth. It is WS speak for being selfish and remaining selfish. Just something else to blame YOUR CHOICES on.

[Bellechica]

No there really wasn't any touching except for a peck on the cheek each morning before work. We also rarely went to bed at the same time for most of the last year. I'm not placing blame on him. We just stopped even sitting together or touching. Since I've ended the A, we are working on reconnecting. I'm trying to be positive. I got up the nerve to ask him about the sex issue.

 

He said he feels pressured or that it is like I just expect it. I said I was sorry. I think it's going to be a slow process but if we just get used to being affectionate with sitting together, doing things together and going to bed at the same time that we can grow back together. It wasn't that we were fighting or arguing....we were just existing. We do love each other and I feel there is hope.

[findingnemo]

Belle, I'm not going to talk about whether you should tell your H or not. I think I've been pretty clear where I stand. I will however keep supporting you because funny enough I think you are a good person with serious conflict avoidance issues. Your fear so overwhelms you and I'm now convinced that you will NOT tell.

 

Can I ask more about your sex life with H? How serious of a problem is this? I'm not looking for details. I just want to understand how long this has been an issue and what you did to try to change things before the As. Is your H aware of how you feel about the lack of intimacy? Has it been a mostly sexless M?

[Kidd]

No there really wasn't any touching except for a peck on the cheek each morning before work. We also rarely went to bed at the same time for most of the last year. I'm not placing blame on him. We just stopped even sitting together or touching. Since I've ended the A, we are working on reconnecting. I'm trying to be positive. I got up the nerve to ask him about the sex issue.

 

He said he feels pressured or that it is like I just expect it. I said I was sorry. I think it's going to be a slow process but if we just get used to being affectionate with sitting together, doing things together and going to bed at the same time that we can grow back together. It wasn't that we were fighting or arguing....we were just existing. We do love each other and I feel there is hope.

 

I think open communication is absolutely key. Unspoken issues lead the resentment. Every single time I read a wayward post about their affair, somewhere in the first paragraph, they use the word resentment. Keep finding the courage to initiate the difficult conversations AND create a safe environment for him to honestly share his point of view so that he can take the same approach to hear yours.

[HeavyHitter]

No there really wasn't any touching except for a peck on the cheek each morning before work. We also rarely went to bed at the same time for most of the last year. I'm not placing blame on him. We just stopped even sitting together or touching. Since I've ended the A, we are working on reconnecting. I'm trying to be positive. I got up the nerve to ask him about the sex issue.

 

He said he feels pressured or that it is like I just expect it. I said I was sorry. I think it's going to be a slow process but if we just get used to being affectionate with sitting together, doing things together and going to bed at the same time that we can grow back together. It wasn't that we were fighting or arguing....we were just existing. We do love each other and I feel there is hope.

 

You're doing nothing but a disservice to him by keeping up the lies. All you're doing now is withholding information that he needs to know. If you're not going to tell him, then you have nothing to complain about.

[ISurvived]

I think open communication is absolutely key. Unspoken issues lead the resentment. Every single time I read a wayward post about their affair, somewhere in the first paragraph, they use the word resentment. Keep finding the courage to initiate the difficult conversations AND create a safe environment for him to honestly share his point of view so that he can take the same approach to hear yours.

 

While I agree with most of what you say, how can do you expect him to be honest and forthcoming when she won't be? Double standard.

 

Belle, I understand you don't like what I post because I don't sugar coat anything. I learned a long time ago that the truth is the truth. No reason for qualifying statements, etc. My FWW will tell you the same things. She blame shifted, was a cake eater and attempted gas lighter, just like you. When our counselor called her on her BS, in an IC session, it finally sunk in. He didn't sugar coat it. He swung the 2 x 4 and it landed square.

 

I really am pulling for you here. IC can only work if you are honest. Any counselor worth their salt will tell you that. Yes, you have issues, MAJOR issues, but there has to be honesty with yourself AND your BH to make the marriage work.

Edited April 5, 2012 by ISurvived

[Bellechica]

Nemo...thank you for not calling me selfish and cold or telling me that I HAVE to divulge my A.

I believe the sex issue is pretty serious but it isn't a reason for me to end my M or an excuse for the A.

My H and I dated for three years before M and the sex was great although I was usually the initiator almost always. The first two years of M the sex started slowing but I believe we were both just focusing on work and we were tired. We both also drank heavily at times and those times would be the occasions when we would have sex. Then came kids and the sex slowed even more. We would go months without it and the times when we did do it, we both had been drinking.

Nemo, I believe I am an attractive woman and I believe my husband is very handsome. I have had numerous men make passes at me in the past, and I always felt it was harmless flirting. After I met the first OM and felt a connection to him, I new that I needed to do something to reconnect with my H. I told him I wasn't happy and that we needed to work on our M. I guess I didn't know how or what to say to him really. I did tell him that I needed him to want me. I even suggested he buy me lingerie. He did once. I even surprised him with a trip to the Caribbean. It was a great time and we had sex each night of course we were partying it up.

When we returned, things returned the same and I restarted the LD EA with the man I had met and a few months later, I agreed to meet him for a weekend and the EA turned into a two night PA. When I returned home I told the OM I just couldn't talk to him anymore. It was hard because I missed him but I felt like SH*t. I kept wanting to contact him and reach out to him and felt the need to confess, so I turned to a very close friend and colleague and started the other A. Of course it started out as an EA but it progressed. The first OM was out of the picture but I just created the whole nightmare over. A worse nightmare because I lost my friend. I lost even more of my self-esteem and I feel sick.

My ExAP....my "friend" could never believe my H didn't want sex from me or how I could stay married if I am so unhappy. He said I must be very unhappy to have entered into As.

The truth is that by all appearances my M from the outside looks perfect: a financially well off couple with two gorgeous, well adjusted smart kids. Two parents who do not argue, who enjoy doing things together. My H is a wonderful man, a great father. We share the same interests. We had stopped doing things together though and now I feel like we are reconnecting. I feel like we are talking more and communicating. I think the sex will come but I'm also willing to focus on the positive things besides sex. The As weren't about sex in my opinion. They were about connecting with a man on a different level. I do believe I was lonely even though I was sitting in the same room with my H each night. My ExAPs were both D and I think very lonely souls as well, but as far as the man I would chose to be with?....most certainly my H.

I am here on LS to stop the horrible cycle I chose to be in and to never have another A.

I know my husband loves me very much, and I love him very much. Sorry, I'm sure I'll get plenty of posts saying if I really loved him I wouldn't have had the As or that if I really love him then I should tell. I believe he is my soulmate and I can't bear the thought of him leaving me. A Divorce at this point in our lives would devastate both sets of parents who have been together forever. It would devastate our children most certainly.

[Bellechica]

To heavy hitter, I survived and Kidd,

I don't think any of you know my situation and in other facets of my life I am honest and I am not evil. To tell it to you honestly: I believe I can live with guilt each day if it means keeping my family. I have been able to go about each day during the A as if life is normal but I kept seeing the bad in my H and M. I was letting the OM tell me how unhappy I was and I was becoming more and more unhappy. It was the A that was making me unhappy not my H or my M.