New here. Married woman who had affair and just ended for good I hope

[ISurvived]

Nemo...thank you for not calling me selfish and cold or telling me that I HAVE to divulge my A.

I believe the sex issue is pretty serious but it isn't a reason for me to end my M or an excuse for the A.

My H and I dated for three years before M and the sex was great although I was usually the initiator almost always. The first two years of M the sex started slowing but I believe we were both just focusing on work and we were tired. We both also drank heavily at times and those times would be the occasions when we would have sex. Then came kids and the sex slowed even more. We would go months without it and the times when we did do it, we both had been drinking.

Nemo, I believe I am an attractive woman and I believe my husband is very handsome. I have had numerous men make passes at me in the past, and I always felt it was harmless flirting. After I met the first OM and felt a connection to him, I new that I needed to do something to reconnect with my H. I told him I wasn't happy and that we needed to work on our M. I guess I didn't know how or what to say to him really. I did tell him that I needed him to want me. I even suggested he buy me lingerie. He did once. I even surprised him with a trip to the Caribbean. It was a great time and we had sex each night of course we were partying it up.

When we returned, things returned the same and I restarted the LD EA with the man I had met and a few months later, I agreed to meet him for a weekend and the EA turned into a two night PA. When I returned home I told the OM I just couldn't talk to him anymore. It was hard because I missed him but I felt like SH*t. I kept wanting to contact him and reach out to him and felt the need to confess, so I turned to a very close friend and colleague and started the other A. Of course it started out as an EA but it progressed. The first OM was out of the picture but I just created the whole nightmare over. A worse nightmare because I lost my friend. I lost even more of my self-esteem and I feel sick.

My ExAP....my "friend" could never believe my H didn't want sex from me or how I could stay married if I am so unhappy. He said I must be very unhappy to have entered into As.

The truth is that by all appearances my M from the outside looks perfect: a financially well off couple with two gorgeous, well adjusted smart kids. Two parents who do not argue, who enjoy doing things together. My H is a wonderful man, a great father. We share the same interests. We had stopped doing things together though and now I feel like we are reconnecting. I feel like we are talking more and communicating. I think the sex will come but I'm also willing to focus on the positive things besides sex. The As weren't about sex in my opinion. They were about connecting with a man on a different level. I do believe I was lonely even though I was sitting in the same room with my H each night. My ExAPs were both D and I think very lonely souls as well, but as far as the man I would chose to be with?....most certainly my H.

I am here on LS to stop the horrible cycle I chose to be in and to never have another A.

I know my husband loves me very much, and I love him very much. Sorry, I'm sure I'll get plenty of posts saying if I really loved him I wouldn't have had the As or that if I really love him then I should tell. I believe he is my soulmate and I can't bear the thought of him leaving me. A Divorce at this point in our lives would devastate both sets of parents who have been together forever. It would devastate our children most certainly.

 

You are selfish. Read the last paragraph you wrote. It's me, me, me. It's all about you. Not one word about what is best for your BH.

 

Did you think how devastated both sets of parents and your children would be before you hopped in the sack with the 2 OM? Bet not.

[ISurvived]

To heavy hitter, I survived and Kidd,

I don't think any of you know my situation and in other facets of my life I am honest and I am not evil. To tell it to you honestly: I believe I can live with guilt each day if it means keeping my family. I have been able to go about each day during the A as if life is normal but I kept seeing the bad in my H and M. I was letting the OM tell me how unhappy I was and I was becoming more and more unhappy. It was the A that was making me unhappy not my H or my M.

 

There is something wrong with a person that chooses to have an A at their core. It's not something that happens overnight or comes up all of a sudden. It's a fundamental flaw in the human being that chooses to do this.

 

You are still gas lighting, only it is everyone on this forum this time. You continue to lie but tell us it's OK to lie. Would you teach your children this? I ain't buying what your selling lady. Smells like B**l S**t to me.

 

I'm done. Everyone here tries to help you. They have "been there, done that" and are trying to give you a wealth of knowledge. You don't want help, you want sympathy. None from me.

 

You choose the behavior, you choose the consequences. Time to woman up, put on your big girl panties and face what you have done. Time to start being a decent wife and mother. That includes honesty and complete truth.

[Owl]

Bella...I'd like to remind you that you came here seeking advice on how to end your affair and maintain your marriage.

 

Kidd, Heavyhitter, nor the rest of us are doing anything but providing you with the best possible advice we can give, based on our own experiences and recoveries (or divorces) on how to achieve your stated goals.

 

I've posted here a LONG time. I've seen very, very few long-term success stories that occurred where the affair was witheld from the betrayed spouse. I've seen far more successful recoveries where it was revealed and dealt with together.

 

If you don't like the advice/support that you're being given...then either ignore the posters providing the advice or seek advice from someplace where the people are telling you what you want to hear.

 

Coming here and asking for advice/support from people, and then getting angry at folks who are honestly just trying to help doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

 

Don't tell your H...but don't expect others who have dealt with the same issues to change their viewpoints/advice either. We can't MAKE you change your mind...but that doesn't mean that we should change our advice simply because you don't like it or agree with it.

 

Remember again...most of us are posting from a point MUCH further down the recovery path than you're at. Our experiences and what we've learned from posting here on other sites are what we base our advice/support on.

 

What other advice are you hoping to hear? Most of us don't believe that you've got a high chance of successfully rebuilding your marriage without telling your husband...and so that's what you're going to hear from us. To say anything else given what we've seen and learned would be to lie to you...and what good will that do you?

[nofool4u]

Nemo...thank you for not calling me selfish and cold or telling me that I HAVE to divulge my A.

 

You don't have to divulge anything if you don't want to. But as long as you keep your lie from him and decide to keep him in the dark, then wake up every day knowing that 1, you are disrespecting him every day you lie, and 2, that you are NOT working on the marriage 100%. The 100% can only be reserved for a spouse that is honest.

 

 

I have had numerous men make passes at me in the past, and I always felt it was harmless flirting.

 

Could this be part of the problem? To have numerous men make passes at you, you have to be putting yourself in a position to be passed at. The "harmless" flirting, as you would like to call it, just may have bothered your husband all these years. I know if I had a woman that put herself in situations where "numerous men" made passes at her, and she considered it harmless, it wouldn't sit well with me at all.

 

 

I know my husband loves me very much, and I love him very much. Sorry, I'm sure I'll get plenty of posts saying if I really loved him I wouldn't have had the As

 

Yup, you'll get plenty of posts saying that because its true.

 

 

or that if I really love him then I should tell.

 

At the very least if you respected him, you wouldn't let him continue a marriage with someone he doesn't really know or what she is. It reminds me of the show called "Who the bleep did I marry?"

 

 

I believe he is my soulmate and I can't bear the thought of him leaving me.

 

Sigh, you know, if you aren't going to tell him, as selfish and disrespectful as it is, then fine. But then you lose the right to make him think that he is at fault, or browbeat him over any little problem in the marriage. If you aren't going to be honest, then you have no right.

 

So if you plan on never telling him what you are, then here is one thing you need to do. Stop going out, if you are, and no more work related "conferences". Because I can tell you, conferences are not required and people only go to them for an excuse to get away.

 

So no more going off on your own without your husband. And if by some silly chance these worthless conferences are required, then you take husband with you. He can take vacation days. But something tells me you wouldn't want to do that.

 

 

A Divorce at this point in our lives would devastate both sets of parents who have been together forever. It would devastate our children most certainly.

 

Then no more contact with any other men, no more going off on your own, and no more confiding in men when things aren't going your way.

[bentnotbroken]

To heavy hitter, I survived and Kidd,

I don't think any of you know my situation and in other facets of my life I am honest and I am not evil. To tell it to you honestly: I believe I can live with guilt each day if it means keeping my family. I have been able to go about each day during the A as if life is normal but I kept seeing the bad in my H and M. I was letting the OM tell me how unhappy I was and I was becoming more and more unhappy. It was the A that was making me unhappy not my H or my M.

 

 

No you probably aren't evil. You just have an issue with the truth. The A or the OW had nothing to do with you being unhappy. They are just additional things you can place blame on for your poor choices and continued less than honest decisions now.

[DepressedinDenver]

I don't know why anyone is still talking to this cake eating selfish broad.

 

She is obviously a lost cause and will continue down her path of lies. She lives in fantasy land but she will get her day in hell. And I dont mean in the biblical sense just in the d day sense.

 

Lies always have a way of coming out. They always do. And then all the work she is doing now will be for nothing but she is too blinded by bull**** to see that.

 

Oh well. Bring on the hell.

[bentnotbroken]

Your friend?

:(Really!:sick:With friends like him, who the hell needs enemies?

[nofool4u]

No you probably aren't evil. You just have an issue with the truth. The A or the OW had nothing to do with you being unhappy. They are just additional things you can place blame on for your poor choices and continued less than honest decisions now.

 

I agree. This situation reminds me of a thread here where both a husband and wife cheated, the husband came clean, but the wife decided to hide her affair, and continued to browbeat him for his cheating, therefore making him think he was the only one that has done something really really wrong.

 

And although in this situation, to her knowledge, Belle's husband hasn't cheated, she will hide her cheating from him and will probably make him feel like he is the problem in the marriage.

[Kidd]

To heavy hitter, I survived and Kidd,

I don't think any of you know my situation and in other facets of my life I am honest and I am not evil. To tell it to you honestly: I believe I can live with guilt each day if it means keeping my family. I have been able to go about each day during the A as if life is normal but I kept seeing the bad in my H and M. I was letting the OM tell me how unhappy I was and I was becoming more and more unhappy. It was the A that was making me unhappy not my H or my M.

 

I've never called you evil and my last post didn't say a thing about coming clean with your BH. I continue to maintain that your H deserves to make an informed choice about the rest of his life but I accept that it won't be my prompting that changes your mind about it. My post was about trying to have open communication with your H about things like intimacy because unresolved resentment is what leads to affairs or at minimum, a bunch of misery for both spouses.

 

My hope for you is that honesty around your affairs resolves itself over time. Your H does deserve to know. Maybe you'll volunteer it, maybe you'll be discovered, maybe you'll take it to the grave, maybe you'll hide and it evenutally leave so that you can blame your D on a failed marriage rather than your own choices. Your call. I hope you do the right thing.

[Bellechica]

Bella...I'd like to remind you that you came here seeking advice on how to end your affair and maintain your marriage.

 

Kidd, Heavyhitter, nor the rest of us are doing anything but providing you with the best possible advice we can give, based on our own experiences and recoveries (or divorces) on how to achieve your stated goals.

 

I've posted here a LONG time. I've seen very, very few long-term success stories that occurred where the affair was witheld from the betrayed spouse. I've seen far more successful recoveries where it was revealed and dealt with together.

 

If you don't like the advice/support that you're being given...then either ignore the posters providing the advice or seek advice from someplace where the people are telling you what you want to hear.

 

Coming here and asking for advice/support from people, and then getting angry at folks who are honestly just trying to help doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

 

Why We Have Affairs — And Why Not to Tell - TIME

 

 

Don't tell your H...but don't expect others who have dealt with the same issues to change their viewpoints/advice either. We can't MAKE you change your mind...but that doesn't mean that we should change our advice simply because you don't like it or agree with it.

 

Remember again...most of us are posting from a point MUCH further down the recovery path than you're at. Our experiences and what we've learned from posting here on other sites are what we base our advice/support on.

 

Owl, thank you for your post and I agree that this isn't going anywhere with me. No fool: I will certainly take your advice about the conferences. Kidd. Your last post was a good way to close this thread. No one here has angered me at all. I've taken in your words. I realize that As hurt everyone. There are a lot of hurting souls on here. I am one as well but I didn't come here for sympathy...I just want to gain control and stay NC. I apologize for any trouble. I will move on and continue with IC.

Best of luck to you all in your own relationships and thank you.

[drifter777]

To heavy hitter, I survived and Kidd,

I don't think any of you know my situation and in other facets of my life I am honest and I am not evil. To tell it to you honestly: I believe I can live with guilt each day if it means keeping my family. I have been able to go about each day during the A as if life is normal but I kept seeing the bad in my H and M. I was letting the OM tell me how unhappy I was and I was becoming more and more unhappy. It was the A that was making me unhappy not my H or my M.

 

As I've said before, you have every right to keep your cheating to yourself and never tell your husband if that's how you want to handle it. Many people are able to compartmentalize their marriage and family life from their sex with another partner life and live happily ever after. You say over and over again that you are committed to not telling your husband about your affair, so why are you still here defending that decision? You can see a MC regarding the lack of sex in your marriage if you want to, but that has nothing to do with your decision to keep the secret.

 

I'm really curious, why are you keeping this thread going with ongoing justification of a decision you say your are not going to change?

[Owl]

If you would like, I could recite a lot of equally (or more) reliable sources that say tell...it's pretty simple to come up with any "expert" you'd like to back any viewpoint you care to have thanks to the internet.

[Ninja'sHusband]

from an article that says not to tell:

 

TIME: Do most people get caught?

Yes. Inevitably there are slip-ups. In the stories I hear, they find a gift in a pocket of a coat and they think it's for them and they're so excited, and then they never get the gift. I mean, it's just heartbreaking. So it all blows up eventually.

 

and then

 

If you're going to be found out, then it's better for you to be the one to make the confession first.

 

I don't get it. They just proved it the other way....

 

[HeavyHitter]

To heavy hitter, I survived and Kidd,

I don't think any of you know my situation and in other facets of my life I am honest and I am not evil. To tell it to you honestly: I believe I can live with guilt each day if it means keeping my family. I have been able to go about each day during the A as if life is normal but I kept seeing the bad in my H and M. I was letting the OM tell me how unhappy I was and I was becoming more and more unhappy. It was the A that was making me unhappy not my H or my M.

 

Please we know enough to write a full paper on you and your state of mind, with the given information. All your posts are entitled. The "me me me" complex. Put on your big panties for godsakes.

[HeavyHitter]

I agree. This situation reminds me of a thread here where both a husband and wife cheated, the husband came clean, but the wife decided to hide her affair, and continued to browbeat him for his cheating, therefore making him think he was the only one that has done something really really wrong.

 

And although in this situation, to her knowledge, Belle's husband hasn't cheated, she will hide her cheating from him and will probably make him feel like he is the problem in the marriage.

 

She's been doing it. Just look at her posts from start to finish. The only reason why she keeps posting is for her enormous ego that can never be filled up. Hopefully the husband will receive some miracle clue and start finding what she's been up to.

[findingnemo]

Belle,

 

Thanks for responding to my questions. I'm no longer telling you to disclose because you will do what you feel is comfortable. That article you posted has some interesting things to say if you take everything into consideration. The author doesn't think having As is a good coping strategy but admits that this is something people do. She also emphasizes understanding why you had As and what type they were.

 

She says that most people get caught but also advises to not come clean. The thing is, Belle, she is an author who granted has lots of experience and research to back her up but you have to read her words in the context of your situation.

 

If the sex is okay and the only issue is that you're the initiator, how do you plan to change things from here on out? What if your H doesn't change? What then? Will you live dissatisfied for the rest of your life? Won't you end up in an A again?

[stillafool]

 

 

I haven't left this forum but I hope even the people here that disagree with my choices or who despise me can at least see that I'm just trying to function and come out of the fog to try to move forward.

 

Isn't that what IC is for? We are not professionals in that area. What does your other forum tell you to do?

[stillafool]

There are quite a few "ending affair" boards that will get you through NC and

give you all the pats on the back and hand holding you could ever want. Even if you break NC, they will rally to your side and support you. It will be all about you.

 

Those boards concentrate on the WS and your "brave" choice to end the affair will be applauded and they will tell you how proud they are of you - over and over again.

 

I've found that those boards focus mostly on the WS and helping the WS grieve the loss of the AP while maintaining NC. Like I said, it will be all about the WS. That's probably where you'll feel more comfortable.

 

 

Yes Bella, have you tried any of those boards?

[bentnotbroken]

Yes Bella, have you tried any of those boards?

 

 

Yes she has and the advice has been pretty much the same as here.

[Bellechica]

Nemo, you asked these questions:

If the sex is okay and the only issue is that you're the initiator, how do you plan to change things from here on out? What if your H doesn't change? What then? Will you live dissatisfied for the rest of your life? Won't you end up in an A again?

 

The sex is okay when it happens. I'm not sure if I'm okay being the initiator all the time but I think I willing to live with this issue if the other parts of the M are doing better as they are. There are other types of intimacy and I believe if we treat each other as lovers, and not cousins then the sex will follow or not. I'm willing to accept that and no, I never ever without a doubt want to have another A. I am setting major boundaries. I read the posts of the WS and BS on here and I am working with those techniques. My H and I check in on each other more. We are talking. Do I expect my M to be perfect? No but it's no unhappy and my H says he's happy.

 

Sorry, I said I'd stop posting and end this thread but I wanted to address your questions. And yes my posts have been from my perspective since I'm the writer, sorry if you think it feeds my ego.

[ISurvived]

Nemo, you asked these questions:

If the sex is okay and the only issue is that you're the initiator, how do you plan to change things from here on out? What if your H doesn't change? What then? Will you live dissatisfied for the rest of your life? Won't you end up in an A again?

 

The sex is okay when it happens. I'm not sure if I'm okay being the initiator all the time but I think I willing to live with this issue if the other parts of the M are doing better as they are. There are other types of intimacy and I believe if we treat each other as lovers, and not cousins then the sex will follow or not. I'm willing to accept that and no, I never ever without a doubt want to have another A. I am setting major boundaries. I read the posts of the WS and BS on here and I am working with those techniques. My H and I check in on each other more. We are talking. Do I expect my M to be perfect? No but it's no unhappy and my H says he's happy.

 

Sorry, I said I'd stop posting and end this thread but I wanted to address your questions. And yes my posts have been from my perspective since I'm the writer, sorry if you think it feeds my ego.

 

That's the problem, you only look at things from your perspective. Try looking at it from your BH and you may get a good wake up call. How would you like your BH treating you with dishonesty and disrespect?

[findingnemo]

I don't think you should stop posting, Belle, unless you want to. You shouldn't even tell your H anything...unless you have decided to. It is your decision to make.

 

I know of only one person who had an A for years and believes his W knows nothing. I suspect she knew but decided not to shake things up. Again, her choice to make. It's not unheard of that the BS just lets it go even when confronted with evidence. I don't see that as a bad thing for them...maybe a bad thing for me. But even then, I didn't leave my H because of his As. There was too much at stake for me and I wasn't about to lose my M, home and family life to a third party.

 

It's true that there's more to M than sex. If the M is otherwise good, then the sex issue shouldn't be a cause for D. However...most Ms have several issues. So if another issue crops up eventually, it may become hard to deal with knowing that there's that one problem. But it can be done. My only concern is that you are taking on a huge responsibility to fix your M all by yourself. I know you're talking to him and all that but you'll never be able to make him understand how serious things are because you can't tell him what happened.

 

Anyway, when you have PM rights, send me a message and I'll tell you more about what happened in the M I was talking about earlier. Telling you here would be too much info.

 

Good luck...

[The Blue Knight]

I don't think you should stop posting, Belle, unless you want to. You shouldn't even tell your H anything...unless you have decided to. It is your decision to make.

 

I know of only one person who had an A for years and believes his W knows nothing. I suspect she knew but decided not to shake things up. Again, her choice to make. It's not unheard of that the BS just lets it go even when confronted with evidence. I don't see that as a bad thing for them...maybe a bad thing for me. But even then, I didn't leave my H because of his As. There was too much at stake for me and I wasn't about to lose my M, home and family life to a third party.

 

It's true that there's more to M than sex. If the M is otherwise good, then the sex issue shouldn't be a cause for D. However...most Ms have several issues. So if another issue crops up eventually, it may become hard to deal with knowing that there's that one problem. But it can be done. My only concern is that you are taking on a huge responsibility to fix your M all by yourself. I know you're talking to him and all that but you'll never be able to make him understand how serious things are because you can't tell him what happened.

 

Anyway, when you have PM rights, send me a message and I'll tell you more about what happened in the M I was talking about earlier. Telling you here would be too much info.

 

Good luck...

I'm with nemo on that. You don't have to heed all of the advise you see here bell. I think you'd be best to tell your husband, but I also feel that if you're trying to patch your marriage up, you have to do it how you feel is best. If there's fallout from not disclosing the truth later in the marriage, you heard it here first. But I'd suggest you don't just bail . . . or purchase loveshack's private messaging feature which is very inexpensive and then you can talk to those you'd prefer to discuss this with. Or I think you need like 50 or 100 postings in order to use it.

[Bellechica]

I would like to get the PM feature but making such a purchase could be risky. Is it something that happens automatically after a certain number of posts? I know there are many people here that want nothing to do with me and understandably so. I know my lying is irking people and to all the BS I'm sorry. Anyway, I looked on this site for the pm feature and could not find it.

[Kidd]

I would like to get the PM feature but making such a purchase could be risky. Is it something that happens automatically after a certain number of posts? I know there are many people here that want nothing to do with me and understandably so. I know my lying is irking people and to all the BS I'm sorry. Anyway, I looked on this site for the pm feature and could not find it.

 

When you reach 50 posts.

 

Moderator note: 30 days membership and 100 posts or a subscription

Edited April 15, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator