New here. Married woman who had affair and just ended for good I hope

[Bellechica]

Thank you for letting me know. I read a lot of the post in other threads and really feel like I am seeing patterns in certain people's post. I know there is a camp of "once a cheater always a cheater" and that my failure to be divulge makes me a liar, but I truly want to make sure I never make such a horrible choice again not to preserve my own tail but to never seek that "fix" the A provided.

[ISurvived]

Thank you for letting me know. I read a lot of the post in other threads and really feel like I am seeing patterns in certain people's post. I know there is a camp of "once a cheater always a cheater" and that my failure to be divulge makes me a liar, but I truly want to make sure I never make such a horrible choice again not to preserve my own tail but to never seek that "fix" the A provided.

 

I certainly don't believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater".

 

You are, however, a liar. You continue to be a liar. Lies of omission as well as commission. You may not like it due to it being the truth, but the truth is the truth.

 

Dead horse beat again.

[Bellechica]

Alice I agree with you. I recognize my boundary issues. I've not had a cyber affair and have no interest in meeting men. Thank you

[Ms. Red]

I would like to get the PM feature but making such a purchase could be risky. Is it something that happens automatically after a certain number of posts? I know there are many people here that want nothing to do with me and understandably so. I know my lying is irking people and to all the BS I'm sorry. Anyway, I looked on this site for the pm feature and could not find it.

 

You have to hit 100 posts and 30 days of membership. Then you have to enable it in your User Control Panel; Edit Options.

Edited April 15, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[2sunny]

So what is your new healthy solid boundary?

 

Describe what that looks like for you...

[Kidd]

Thank you for letting me know. I read a lot of the post in other threads and really feel like I am seeing patterns in certain people's post. I know there is a camp of "once a cheater always a cheater" and that my failure to be divulge makes me a liar, but I truly want to make sure I never make such a horrible choice again not to preserve my own tail but to never seek that "fix" the A provided.

 

Belle-

 

I get that you are focused on NC, trying to heal your marriage, and prevent this from happening again. In looking forward, what do you think are the odds that you will take the next step? While you are focused on the short-term (which may at least be a reasonable short-term fix), are you committed to taking this to the grave? Or do you see some of the logic of honesty for the long-term health of your M? I'm not trying to argue. Just asking.

[2sunny]

Looks like she signed up on March 26th... So 30 days from then since her post count is already there.

[Bellechica]

So what is your new healthy solid boundary?

 

Describe what that looks like for you...

 

For me I believe it means not being alone with another man and not attending work conferences without my H. I don't believe I can be "friends" with men at this point in my life.

[Bellechica]

Belle-

 

I get that you are focused on NC, trying to heal your marriage, and prevent this from happening again. In looking forward, what do you think are the odds that you will take the next step? While you are focused on the short-term (which may at least be a reasonable short-term fix), are you committed to taking this to the grave? Or do you see some of the logic of honesty for the long-term health of your M? I'm not trying to argue. Just asking.

 

I think I need to continue with IC. I can't see the long term future right now just that I want it to be with my family.

[Bellechica]

Alice, I had never really thought about that but I agree with you. I think I need to consider my own mannerisms and dress. I have a very outgoing, friendly, approachable personality but I need to consider that I may be sending out a vibe. I do not and have not complained about my M or H in public. It wasn't until I chose the A that I started to complain and see negative....perhaps a negative that did not even exist or a negative that I was creating.

Yes, Alice, I agree with you and though I know you believe I should tell all now, I appreciate your willingness to give me the advice about boundaries.

[Until Death]

“I didn't cheat because I wasn't having sex. I feel into an EA first because I needed to connect with someone”

 

“My ExAPs were both D and I think very lonely souls as well.”

 

I’ve been reading on this website for a couple of years—this is my first post and I mean it as a way to help you (BelleChica) see things you may be overlooking … if it’s not helpful please disregard it. I’m not exhaustive in what I write so please don’t take it as dogma but rather as opening your eyes a little more.

 

Let’s assume for a moment that you do tell your husband.

 

“Robert (let’s assume that’s your husband’s name), I need to talk with you. There is something I need to tell you.” He looks at you puzzled while also showing some anxiety and then, you tell him that you have committed adultery with two men, David and Bill. Furthermore since you want to give him the benefit of knowing everything you tell him that you are willing to disclose any and all of the details you remember (some things he will ask you about and you won’t remember) about your actions/thoughts/feelings.

 

So far this is what you are struggling with and have decided against, yet for the sake of the argument, I’d like to share some light on what may happen after that.

 

Robert will be in disbelief, followed by sadness, followed by a sense of “I knew it, I just couldn’t put a finger on it,” followed by the realization that you have been getting banged, and sucked, as well as banging and sucking (both passive and active) David and then Bill—for a long time.

 

The emotional disconnection will be immediate, profound yet the irony of it all is that it will also be the point of the closest emotional connection that you have had with your husband for years. The lack of emotional nakedness with your husband made you vulnerable to an affair in which hot steamy orgasmic sex was a byproduct of the emotional nakedness you experienced with those men.

 

It is the lack of emotional unity that makes one feel lonely and needy for connection.

 

Let’s move on to: “It is selfish to continue to hide the A, but I feel that at least it is one way to just maintain some stability. The UNKNOWN is much, much scary.”

 

Let’s talk about the unknown:

 

Robert will have mixed feelings. He loves you yet he hates you. He likes you, yet he dislikes you. As someone already pointed out, your attitude towards other men in general (too much friendliness and your mannerisms) may have already gotten him cold towards you, not to mention your sexual past before he met you (which is an issue all by itself, for some men the thought of you having sex with someone else even before their time is a joy killer). To this you add your confession and “all hell will break loose.” You need not to worry about anger, if he is only angry, that’s good news. It’s the depression and reenactment in his head of what you have done (repeatedly), that will change your husband forever. Make no mistake he will suffer, at work, at home, in the middle of night, in the park, while driving, etc … also if he ever touches you again. It will be hell.

 

If he decides to put up with you, it will be a painful, scarred relationship, yet with hope (real hope not some phony happiness). If he doesn’t want to stay, he will suffer anyway.

 

As much as you may want to put this behind as well, you will remember it and it will leave you scarred forever, whether you become a vulnerable/faithful woman or not.

 

Your children will know and your actions will affect them and their (future) spouses. Your parents/his will suffer too.

 

In the midst of it all, you may end up dead or maimed or divorced or simply kept by his side because he actually can’t leave you.

 

Dear Bellechica, if you do tell him, it’s the only way you will find out what he feels for you, otherwise you are living with a figment of your imagination which is what was happening before the affairs anyway. These affairs are not the result of two bad days but rather a lifetime of conflict avoidance.

 

You avoid conflict because you perceive others not to be strong enough and/or yourself not strong enough to confront another about how you feel.

 

In the end you are scared to truly show yourself and what you feel. Up until this day, Robert hasn’t had the privilege of truly knowing the BeautifulGirl, he has only met your mask. Poor Robert, he is probably wearing a mask too, regardless of what his issues are.

 

Hiding yourself will provide you with the easiest path in this world but the least rewarding. Truly sharing how you feel will make you radical, yet everyone will admire you—including those perfect parents of yours who taught you to avoid conflict. I don’t mean this to insult you, rather to be good to your husband whose life is joke right now (think of what’s good for them not only what’s good for you. If they want to keep you as part of the family, let them choose, you will feel accepted as never before). Put the glass down and face your demons … I’ll be praying for you all.

 

“Thank you Darius and I realize that I should never have confided in another man. I know I have boundary issues.”

 

Confide in your husband and the boundaries between the two of you (you and your husband) will disappear. You will realize that, naturally, you won’t confide in others as you used to, and boundaries will grow between you and other people (and I include both genders because a lot of people have more emotional nakedness with a friend than with their spouse).

 

We love you, the 'real' people do, give him/your family/and your society the chance to show you their love as well, you might be surprised to find acceptance when all is said and done.

Edited April 7, 2012 by Until Death

[Bellechica]

Until Death.....your post made me cry...a lot. It's true my husband and I may wear "masks" but aren't their so many people in the world that do so each day? My husband and I aren't unhappy with each other. We aren't bearing our naked souls to each other emotionally but at least we are starting to get used to being naked in the bed with each other again after so many years.

I truly cannot fathom the hurt my children, my parents, my husband, my in-laws, everyone I know ....the hurt that knowing I have committed such betrayal. If allowing the nakedness of my soul to be known to all means inflicting such pain on my loved ones then I choose the mask.

Yes, I should have made the wise decision of never having an A in the first place but I think everyone would be happier if I just keep my mouth shut. I am certain that there are many A that are never revealed and that Ms continue....life goes on. I never want to repeat these mistakes.

Until Death.....your post was very well written by the way....

[ISurvived]

Until Death.....your post made me cry...a lot. It's true my husband and I may wear "masks" but aren't their so many people in the world that do so each day? My husband and I aren't unhappy with each other. We aren't bearing our naked souls to each other emotionally but at least we are starting to get used to being naked in the bed with each other again after so many years.

I truly cannot fathom the hurt my children, my parents, my husband, my in-laws, everyone I know ....the hurt that knowing I have committed such betrayal. If allowing the nakedness of my soul to be known to all means inflicting such pain on my loved ones then I choose the mask.

Yes, I should have made the wise decision of never having an A in the first place but I think everyone would be happier if I just keep my mouth shut. I am certain that there are many A that are never revealed and that Ms continue....life goes on. I never want to repeat these mistakes.

Until Death.....your post was very well written by the way....

 

So there you have it. Rather than being honest and repairing your marriage, you choose to continue to lie and inflict further damage. Selfish, selfish, selfish. It continues to be all about you. You can try to spin it that you are doing it to save your family pain. That's a load of crap. You are doing it to save your own backside.

 

Actually, no, most cheating is found out eventually and the damage from the continued lies is what destroys the marriage, not the cheating. The fact that my FWW had feelings for the OM hurt, looking at me in the eye and lying to me hurt worse. Either you don't grasp that or you don't care.

 

You've been given invaluable advice from some WS on this board that most pay thousands of dollars to hear. You would be wise to follow it.

 

Unfortunately, one of these days, you will look back and wish you would have followed the advice you have been given.

[JustJoe]

Bellechica, who do you think you're fooling here? Most of us have been effected by affairs, either as a BS, WS or OP. We KNOW that you are lying to us when you say that you won't tell your husband to spare him pain. We KNOW you are lying , because we have either been the liar or the person lied to. Do you actually think we believe your feeble attempts at being a matryr? The only person you are trying to spare is yourself, from the shame and embarrassment of disclosure. You are so lost in dishonesty, that you even lie to yourself. No good marriage can last based on lies, and sadly you will have to learn the hard way.

[2sunny]

Until Death.....your post made me cry...a lot. It's true my husband and I may wear "masks" but aren't their so many people in the world that do so each day? My husband and I aren't unhappy with each other. We aren't bearing our naked souls to each other emotionally but at least we are starting to get used to being naked in the bed with each other again after so many years.

I truly cannot fathom the hurt my children, my parents, my husband, my in-laws, everyone I know ....the hurt that knowing I have committed such betrayal. If allowing the nakedness of my soul to be known to all means inflicting such pain on my loved ones then I choose the mask.

Yes, I should have made the wise decision of never having an A in the first place but I think everyone would be happier if I just keep my mouth shut. I am certain that there are many A that are never revealed and that Ms continue....life goes on. I never want to repeat these mistakes.

Until Death.....your post was very well written by the way....

 

You can't wear a mask if you intend to be your authentic self.

 

It's feeding the lies and growing them bigger.

 

You may be getting naked - but there's no intimacy without your truth. It's all a farce because your husband doesn't know who you really are because of your mask (pretending).

[JustJoe]

2Sunny, most everyone here is really trying to help her, but she simply refuses to be honest. How can you help anybody so lost in deceit?

[woinlove]

Until Death.....your post made me cry...a lot. It's true my husband and I may wear "masks" but aren't their so many people in the world that do so each day? My husband and I aren't unhappy with each other. We aren't bearing our naked souls to each other emotionally but at least we are starting to get used to being naked in the bed with each other again after so many years.

I truly cannot fathom the hurt my children, my parents, my husband, my in-laws, everyone I know ....the hurt that knowing I have committed such betrayal. If allowing the nakedness of my soul to be known to all means inflicting such pain on my loved ones then I choose the mask.

Yes, I should have made the wise decision of never having an A in the first place but I think everyone would be happier if I just keep my mouth shut. I am certain that there are many A that are never revealed and that Ms continue....life goes on. I never want to repeat these mistakes.

Until Death.....your post was very well written by the way....

 

After all these posts giving you advice, you appear to have regressed even deeper into your deception. I agree with JustJoe that you are lying to everyone, including yourself.

[anne1707]

After all these posts giving you advice, you appear to have regressed even deeper into your deception. I agree with JustJoe that you are lying to everyone, including yourself.

 

As someone who told that lie to myself, I can understand why Belle is doing it. However it is all for purely selfish motives and will more than likely backfire on her.

 

The marriage cannot be fully reconciled until there is honesty. Belle has created a situation where she has chosen to live a lie and in turn her husband is unknowingly living that lie. She will have to lie to the MC if they everboth go together, she will have to lie about past events etc if her husband ever questions her, she will have to lie about the success of her marriage to her family. This puts a tremendous burden on her and I know for me it was not the life I wanted. I wanted to end the lies and the deceit. I knew I could have lost my husband but I owed it to him/me/us to show him the respect that I had failed to show him during my affair.

 

If the husband finds out about the affair at some stage in the future, it won't matter to him if it was years ago and they have what appears to be a happy marriage. To him, he would see the affair as if it happened yesterday and the continuing deception as selfish, arrogant, disrespectful and cruel.

[Owl]

As someone who told that lie to myself, I can understand why Belle is doing it. However it is all for purely selfish motives and will more than likely backfire on her.

 

The marriage cannot be fully reconciled until there is honesty. Belle has created a situation where she has chosen to live a lie and in turn her husband is unknowingly living that lie. She will have to lie to the MC if they everboth go together, she will have to lie about past events etc if her husband ever questions her, she will have to lie about the success of her marriage to her family. This puts a tremendous burden on her and I know for me it was not the life I wanted. I wanted to end the lies and the deceit. I knew I could have lost my husband but I owed it to him/me/us to show him the respect that I had failed to show him during my affair.

 

If the husband finds out about the affair at some stage in the future, it won't matter to him if it was years ago and they have what appears to be a happy marriage. To him, he would see the affair as if it happened yesterday and the continuing deception as selfish, arrogant, disrespectful and cruel.

 

You have learned well, young Padawan! =-)

 

Nothing left to be said here.

[nofool4u]

This poor unsuspecting husband. He doesn't know what he is married to.

 

I feel for anyone who is mentally manipulated in this way, above and beyond the cheating.

[JustJoe]

You have learned well, young Padawan! =-)

 

Nothing left to be said here.

I agree, Owl. You quite simply cannot help somebody who doesn't really want help. All this poster wants is validation for her continued deceit.

[Bellechica]

I do not want validation of my deception nor do I just get my kicks by being put down. I am here to have someone to talk to and to read others posts. I am soul searching to understand how I came to such a low point when I got caught up in the As. I am also here because I want to stop the behavior and never repeated. You all have given me much food for thought. I am continuing with IC and continuing to live my life with my H and despite what you may believe, our M is better much better.

[anne1707]

The problem is Belle that whilst you can work on "improving" yourself through IC, you cannot really work together with your H on "improving" your marriage whilst there is this huge lie between you. All you can do is get things to a stage where you are muddling through trying to make the best of a poor situation - a half life in my view.

[stillafool]

I do not want validation of my deception nor do I just get my kicks by being put down. I am here to have someone to talk to and to read others posts. I am soul searching to understand how I came to such a low point when I got caught up in the As. I am also here because I want to stop the behavior and never repeated. You all have given me much food for thought. I am continuing with IC and continuing to live my life with my H and despite what you may believe, our M is better much better.

 

Isn't the IC talking to you about this problem and helping you to do soul searching? What has the IC told you to do stop your behavior so you will not repeat having affairs? What can we tell you that they have not?

[nofool4u]

I am also here because I want to stop the behavior and never repeated.

 

So you are going to stop the bad behavior with MORE bad behavior?

 

 

You all have given me much food for thought. I am continuing with IC and continuing to live my life with my H and despite what you may believe, our M is better much better.

 

Then its settled. You think you have this better marriage despite continuing to lie to him and disrespect him.

 

Then there is nothing more to talk about, and nothing more anyone needs to say to you. You aren't going to listen to anyone, so I guess the only thing anyone needs to say here to you is, goodbye.