New here. Married woman who had affair and just ended for good I hope

[Bellechica]

Nofool...the fact you have the quote from Rush is all I need to know to not take your advice. There are more ways to get past affairs than the ONE way you suggest.

 

I'd rather have a half a life with my husband than no life with our him.

 

The IC isn't telling me that I have to divulge. I realized the A was an addiction. I am recovering from it.

 

I will continue to read the various threads on here, and respond when I feel I can add to the conversation.

 

I'm in the minority on here as far as a WW choosing not to disclose the A but there may be others in the future trying to stop their terrible choices. There is a place for us here as well even if it's not popular.

[anne1707]

I'd rather have a half a life with my husband than no life with our him.

 

Fair enough if you want to choose a half life for yourself. However you have also made this choice for your husband. Is that fair? Is that showing respect? Is that love?

[Owl]

Nofool...the fact you have the quote from Rush is all I need to know to not take your advice. There are more ways to get past affairs than the ONE way you suggest.

 

I'd rather have a half a life with my husband than no life with our him.

 

The IC isn't telling me that I have to divulge. I realized the A was an addiction. I am recovering from it.

 

I will continue to read the various threads on here, and respond when I feel I can add to the conversation.

 

I'm in the minority on here as far as a WW choosing not to disclose the A but there may be others in the future trying to stop their terrible choices. There is a place for us here as well even if it's not popular.

...or even if it doesn't work.

 

Good luck with that. If you know more than all of these folks who have recovered their marriages (or successfully moved on), I'm still really confused on what it was you hoped to find here in the first place?

 

You're so adamantly convinced that all of us are wrong...why?

[Owl]

Fair enough if you want to choose a half life for yourself. However you have also made this choice for your husband. Is that fair? Is that showing respect? Is that love?

 

Exactly...why doesn't your husband get to have a say in the situation...even if it's not the one you WANT (INSIST?) that he have?

[bentnotbroken]

I do not want validation of my deception nor do I just get my kicks by being put down. I am here to have someone to talk to and to read others posts. I am soul searching to understand how I came to such a low point when I got caught up in the As. I am also here because I want to stop the behavior and never repeated. You all have given me much food for thought. I am continuing with IC and continuing to live my life with my H and despite what you may believe, our M is better much better.

 

 

I bet for you it is much better. But we can't really call that a marriage now can we? We can call this the warden and her prisoner. He is held captive and doesn't realize it yet. He will....... then what? FYI you aren't living your life either. You are sitting around thinking of ways to keep your lies hidden, cover you behind if things come to light and waiting for the other shoe to drop. You are playing the role of the "good wife" among other things.

[bentnotbroken]

Nofool...the fact you have the quote from Rush is all I need to know to not take your advice. There are more ways to get past affairs than the ONE way you suggest.

 

I'd rather have a half a life with my husband than no life with our him.

 

The IC isn't telling me that I have to divulge. I realized the A was an addiction. I am recovering from it.

 

I will continue to read the various threads on here, and respond when I feel I can add to the conversation.

 

I'm in the minority on here as far as a WW choosing not to disclose the A but there may be others in the future trying to stop their terrible choices. There is a place for us here as well even if it's not popular.

 

 

Has nothing to do with a WW continuing to lie. Anybody forcing a spouse to stay with them through deception, intimidation or manipulation would get the same advice from many here. No matter how you spin it (addiction)you are disrespecting that man with every word, phrase and gesture that you employ. And if you were a gambling or drug "addict" would you keep lying to him to keep him with you? You would force him to live with someone who is controlled by an addiction?

[bentnotbroken]

Exactly...why doesn't your husband get to have a say in the situation...even if it's not the one you WANT (INSIST?) that he have?

 

 

We know why. Control....pure an simple.

[nofool4u]

Nofool...the fact you have the quote from Rush is all I need to know to not take your advice.

 

LMAO!

 

Uh, you aren't going to take ANYONE's advice unless they said, "there is nothing wrong in lying to your husband and disrespecting him".

 

So spare us.

 

 

There are more ways to get past affairs than the ONE way you suggest.

 

Nice sidestep, because its not about getting past the affair, its about you saying you are working 100% on your marriage, when thats impossible if you are still dishonest with your husband. This won't be the last thing you lie to him about.

 

 

I'd rather have a half a life with my husband than no life with our him.

 

Well thats good, because as long as you want to keep him in the dark, and lie to him, you DO have 1/2 a life with him. Or should I say 1/2 a marriage.

 

 

The IC isn't telling me that I have to divulge. I realized the A was an addiction. I am recovering from it.

 

I will continue to read the various threads on here, and respond when I feel I can add to the conversation.

 

Why bother? Its over. You already know what you are going to do, and you aren't going to listen to anyone. So its all settled. No more you need to say.

 

 

I'm in the minority on here as far as a WW choosing not to disclose the A

 

Wrong. Most cheaters on this site will never tell. You are in the minority, perhaps, because you are one of the few that got found out. Most cheaters are too chickens*** to respect their spouse and give them the information they deserve to know. But too many of their spouses found out on their own.

 

 

but there may be others in the future trying to stop their terrible choices.

 

Seeing as how you will continue to lie to him and disrespect him, you let us know when those terrible choices stop. Cuz they are still happening.

 

 

There is a place for us here as well even if it's not popular.

 

But you have already decided what you are going to do, and nothing will sway you. So what more is there to hash out? Congratulations, you got away with it. Now go make your husband think he has a faithful and honest wife.

[nofool4u]

Exactly...why doesn't your husband get to have a say in the situation

 

Because its all about her. Its about her getting away with what she has done.

 

Her H's say is of no concern to her.

[Bellechica]

I will stay hear and read these threads as a reminder of the devastation infidelity has on all involved. I read through the threads of people going thru D. I read through posts of people who state "once a cheater always a cheater" or advice to "leave her or him". I will stay even though most of you disagree with me. I will stay because there may very well be another person in my situation. I stay and read threads about so many M destroyed.....it helps me stay in NC. I've already gotten invaluable advice here about boundaries and about how people ended up in As. Believe it or not, this forum is very helpful even when people disagree.

[Lexygirl]

Bellechica,

 

All along after reading your thread title through your thread, I believe you are here to get help holding yourself accountable so you don't have another affair... Your title says it all too... without you even typing a word... (New Here. Married woman who had affair and just ended for good... I HOPE) The I hope part screams help for someone.. anyone to help you behave.

I understand this and I do understand to a point that you don't want to cause others pain because of what YOU did... HOwever, there is something VERY important that I believe you are missing in your thought process.

Think about this... what got you in trouble to begin with?

The answer is... you turned to other ppl (men) and you turned away from your husband. THAT was your first mistake. Second mistake was NOW after you are starting to see the light... you are STILL turning away from him to strangers on the internet and telling THEM your truth instead of giving your husband the credit he deserves and telling HIM what you need to be. YOu must turn to HIM in order to heal AND you will have the ultimate benefit of definitely being held accountable ! Or is that one of the things you are afraid of? Perhaps... just perhaps in the back of your mind, you are keeping him in the dark because 'What if' you decide that you 'might' want to turn to another man in the future... would be MUCH, MUCH easier to do if your husband doesn't know about your past indiscresions, wouldn't it?

For goodness sake... at least be honest with yourself and hear this YOU DON'T NEED IC, you don't need LS, you NEED your husband... you NEED to turn TOWARDS him and let him in on your life... every last detail of it....

 

As far as the other ppl surrounding the two of you... I guarantee you that you aren't the first couple in their lives who have had problems in their marriage and you will not be their last..... you also don't give them enough credit.

As far as the children... if you do things right, they will be ok. YOu need to get things settled with your husband first and foremost.

 

God Bless,

Lexy

Edited April 9, 2012 by Lexygirl

[stillafool]

You are here to clear you conscience in some sense with your confessions. I agree with others that you have gotten away with it so therefore forget it and take care of your family. Go and do the right thing now and turn to your husband for comfort. Lexygirl is right, why turn to people on the internet when it is your husband you need to turn to. I don't believe you are getting IC. I think you are still wanting the other man and that's really what you need help with, is how to get over him. That's why you stay. Again, what are you learning through counseling?

[Ninja'sHusband]

I think you are still wanting the other man and that's really what you need help with, is how to get over him. That's why you stay.

 

Yeah, I think she would agree with that. Pretty much what the thread topic says and is probably what she really wanted to talk about...but everyone is pushing (rightfully so) for her to tell her BH.

 

If you want to REALLY end it and go NC, telling your BH will definitely help...just like in that thread I pointed you to earlier where the WW decided to tell for exactly that reason. I think since starting the thread Bell has convinced herself that she will maintain NC.

 

I think it's alarming that she still works with him. She says they rarely see each other...but it might be that once BH finds out, a job transfer will be necessary. That's the biggest thing with me, I want my WW to REALLY MAINTAIN NC DELIBERATELY. Why would a man leave a cheating W? They tend to be unremorseful and not do what is necessary to take responsibility for the A...because they feel so justified. That's what I think anyway. Of course my view is highly biased .

 

Bell if you were discovered, would you leave your job? Would you blame your H? Would you be patient while he works through his anger? Would you tolerate being spied on and having your privacy ripped away like a criminal? would you answer his endless questions honestly, or tell more lies...damaging the M even further in your efforts to "minimize damage"? These are things you would likely have to endure, and if you can't take the heat, even if your H is initially willing to stay...*that's* where your M might fail and either you or he might decided to call it quits. It's the hell of R that is the true test. If you can get through that by reassuring your H and continuing to show love even through the worst of it, then you will really be connected again...not a false connection held up by lies, a connection with the truth as a foundation, one that you both worked on and built together.

 

 

If he does find out one day...at LEAST don't make it worse with trickle truth. Tell him the whole thing, all of it....cause then he'll be digging and will find things where you don't expect it. Honestly though, what you are doing now is even worse than trickle truth. It's straight up no truth, the risk there is huge.

Edited April 10, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband

[Bellechica]

Well I've only had two IC sessions but I think I've learned that I actual put a lot of pressure on myself. I have always been "perfect" in many people's eyes. I have a lot of fear and anxiety built up in me. My only sibling divorced and married an alcoholic abuser, and she has caused immense pain to everyone who loves her. I can't imagine causing such pain.

 

Yes Nofool I miss my AP but I try to think of only the negative things. He's half the man my husband is....and you may not believe me, but I do love my H very much.

 

I want to continue with NC. I have opened up much more to my H. My M may be based on lies as you all say but it's much better than a year ago when we were living like blobs.

 

I'm trying.....we are surviving.....

[bentnotbroken]

Well I've only had two IC sessions but I think I've learned that I actual put a lot of pressure on myself. I have always been "perfect" in many people's eyes. I have a lot of fear and anxiety built up in me. My only sibling divorced and married an alcoholic abuser, and she has caused immense pain to everyone who loves her. I can't imagine causing such pain.

 

Yes Nofool I miss my AP but I try to think of only the negative things. He's half the man my husband is....and you may not believe me, but I do love my H very much.

 

I want to continue with NC. I have opened up much more to my H. My M may be based on lies as you all say but it's much better than a year ago when we were living like blobs.

 

 

I'm trying.....we are surviving.....

 

 

There is no maybe about it. It is based on your lies at this point. If this is much better, then you two should have divorced already.

[2sunny]

Well I've only had two IC sessions but I think I've learned that I actual put a lot of pressure on myself. I have always been "perfect" in many people's eyes. I have a lot of fear and anxiety built up in me. My only sibling divorced and married an alcoholic abuser, and she has caused immense pain to everyone who loves her. I can't imagine causing such pain.

 

Yes Nofool I miss my AP but I try to think of only the negative things. He's half the man my husband is....and you may not believe me, but I do love my H very much.

 

I want to continue with NC. I have opened up much more to my H. My M may be based on lies as you all say but it's much better than a year ago when we were living like blobs.

 

I'm trying.....we are surviving.....

 

There is no try. There is no hope

 

There is DO or DO NOT!

 

Since you haven't been honest - then this is a DO NOT!

 

You also haven't quit that job... So until you quit - there's no reason for anyone (including your H IF you ever tell him) to believe your sense of TRYING might actually help.

 

From what I can see here - you're not going to be honest with your H.

 

It's all about YOU and how YOU feel.

 

That makes for a REALLY lousy marriage. One half of a partnership always so focused on self and how self FEELS - that completely qualifies a very selfish partnership.

 

When YOU actually start considering your HUSBANDS feelings FIRST - and give HIM honesty - that is when you may actually be believable as a decent wife.

 

But you are so worried about YOU that it's not possible to have an honest, loving and healthy balanced marriage.

 

With all the selfishness you throw into the mix - there's no way your H could be happy with you. He might still be married to you - but there's no way he feels that you think highly of him when you think more of yourself.

 

Take this info I typed here to your counselor...and ask your therapist to help YOU change YOU! Ask for help in changing your selfish nature.

 

Ask for help in learning how to get and be totally honest! Lying by omission is still totally lying!

 

That is what you should be working on in counseling.

[SoulStorm]

I'm trying.....we are surviving.....

 

and don't forget...you're still lying.

 

Payday is coming after a while.

[Furious]

Come clean...if you really love your husband, because we he finds out, and he will find out and it may be days, months or years from now, HE WILL FIND OUT!

[whichwayisup]

I want to continue with NC. I have opened up much more to my H. My M may be based on lies as you all say but it's much better than a year ago when we were living like blobs.

 

Do you not see how skewed your thinking is? Please bring this up to your therapist. Word for word, what you said above.

 

Well I've only had two IC sessions but I think I've learned that I actual put a lot of pressure on myself. I have always been "perfect" in many people's eyes. I have a lot of fear and anxiety built up in me. My only sibling divorced and married an alcoholic abuser, and she has caused immense pain to everyone who loves her. I can't imagine causing such pain.

 

You have caused that much pain, your husband just doesn't know that yet. Though he knows something is 'wrong and off' with you. You don't think he sees you down, feeling sad? Wondering wtf he's done..Had thoughts 'what if she is having an affair'? I think I said this to you already earlier on.. He TRUSTS you and pushed those thoughts away because he probably believes you would never cheat on him.

 

You cannot fix your marriage and hide this big whopping lie. It just won't work.

[JustJoe]

Bellechica, I would ask you to do one good thing. Ask your counselor if you should tell your husband the truth or not, then come back and tell us , HONESTLY, what he/she said. My wife is a counselor, and so I have some small insight into the theories and practices of counseling and therapy, gained from her, and I put the same question to her, and she told me point blank that no proper counselor or therapist will advocate continued deception in a marriage. If for no other reason than the legal repercussions. So, you see, you can do no good to anyone, while you continue to be a liar. You cannot help any other person, simply because nobody will believe you. You are a proven and continual liar, who will lie to her kids and husband until she is found out, and I hope that for your families sake, it is soon.

[2sunny]

What do you really want from us here?

 

If you're just never gonna be honest with him - I can't support that decision.

 

So what are we really here for?

 

I'm not gonna sit here and support your lies! And here's NO WAY we can keep you from cheating again! Especially when you aren't willing to be honest. Especially when you haven't been digging deep to change yourself enough to trust yourself to never ever consider it again.

 

What do you want from us? We can't help you while you're intent on continuing to lie.

[Steadfast]

I think I've learned that I actual put a lot of pressure on myself. I have always been "perfect" in many people's eyes. I have a lot of fear and anxiety built up in me.

 

I've read this thread but until now have had nothing to add. The advice you've been given is solid Bellechica; no good (or more specifically, no long lasting good) will come from you keeping this from your husband.

 

Because he's your husband you promised to love and honor him. You've already smeared that under your heel but you're continuing to disrespect him under the guise of not wanting to hurt him. Fact: if you cared about him -really cared- you would not have cheated on him. Even if love was gone, you showed a complete lack of respect and honor by not ending your marriage before having sex with other men. You've already hurt him. And yourself. You are destroying your own self esteem.

 

Trust me when I say he'll feel it even more deeply when he discovers you continued the lie. You are taking away his right to choose, while keeping your own. That the ultimate act of selfishness. That's the core issue.

 

The above quote says it all, and offers everyone here a look inside of your true motivation. It is all based on how it will affect you. Typically sad.

 

You're digging a hole. Every day it gets a little deeper. Logically, just that fear alone would compel you to confess. You almost certainly and without question will lose your husband forever it you continue. Consequences are especially dire when everyone is just a pawn in your great game of life.

[Furious]

Does your ex affair partner want to spend the rest of his life with you, has he signed up to be the best step-dad to your children? Has he promised you a future? Or was he there for you because it was dramatic and fun without true commitment?

[2sunny]

Well I've only had two IC sessions but I think I've learned that I actual put a lot of pressure on myself. I have always been "perfect" in many people's eyes. I have a lot of fear and anxiety built up in me. My only sibling divorced and married an alcoholic abuser, and she has caused immense pain to everyone who loves her. I can't imagine causing such pain.

 

Yes Nofool I miss my AP but I try to think of only the negative things. He's half the man my husband is....and you may not believe me, but I do love my H very much.

 

I want to continue with NC. I have opened up much more to my H. My M may be based on lies as you all say but it's much better than a year ago when we were living like blobs.

 

I'm trying.....we are surviving.....

 

I actually think you use this as a big excuse to try and not blame yourself - to not be completely and totally responsible and accountable for your bad behavior.

 

The fear and anxiety is caused by you and only you - by your lies and bad behavior.

 

The only way to get past that fear and anxiety is to DO what you don't intend to do - tell him - and be completely honest. Only way to start to get past that fear.

 

Stop looking for more excuses and validating your bad behavior - that only causes for anxiety.

[findingnemo]

Belle, I know people who have kept their As secret for a long time. Most of them are men. I know only one woman.

 

In her case, she is "happily" M and has As. She loves everything about her H except the sex. It's mediocre according to her and so she decided to go out and find substitutes. Her H sometimes suspects her and the ensuing drama is usually the talk of town. But I guess there's never been a real Dday since they are still together. She also thinks her M is having As but couldn't care to investigate. They have a M and it's not my place to call it dysfunctional. They continue to make their choices...but the drama is a bit tiring. How their adult children cope, no one knows.

 

The problem is that you say you want to rebuild your M. Well, if you mean a real M - with openness, emotional closeness, etc - then expect almost everybody to tell you to disclose and to quit your job and go NC with OM2. If, on the other hand, you want to be able to have As and maintain your M, then state it clearly. You can't want two opposing things -a real M and to keep sexual betrayal a secret. It simply won't happen. You can risk it and work towards a real M by disclosing and hoping your H will forgive you. Or you can simply keep going with the As and hope to hide them forever. Either way, you're basing your future on hope. In the first instance, you would have a chance at a happy future with or without your H. Believe it or not, you can be happy without him if he decides to leave. And most importantly, you will not be carrying the burden of a secret around with you.

 

Be open with yourself, Belle. It is having that burden of a secret that keeps you here seeking advice. If you really didn't feel any guilt, you would have just left it alone and continued with your life.