New here. Married woman who had affair and just ended for good I hope

[indian_couples]

He's half the man my husband is....and you may not believe me, but I do love my H very much.

 

I beg to differ with most advices being given here. I think that you are right in not confessing.

 

No doubt, you were wrong in what you did. But at the same time you have realized that it was wrong. Most posters are advising you to come out clean. But what good will it serve? Only more pain, lack of trust and break up of confidence between the two of you.

 

It takes some effort to live with the guilt of having wronged someone without his/her knowledge. May be that is your punishment for what you did.

 

My advice is to forget your past and move on.

[stillafool]

I beg to differ with most advices being given here. I think that you are right in not confessing.

 

No doubt, you were wrong in what you did. But at the same time you have realized that it was wrong. Most posters are advising you to come out clean. But what good will it serve? Only more pain, lack of trust and break up of confidence between the two of you.

 

It takes some effort to live with the guilt of having wronged someone without his/her knowledge. May be that is your punishment for what you did.

 

My advice is to forget your past and move on.

 

 

If this is what she has decided to do then go away and be happy and never open your mouth about this again and suffer within. Why continue to come here and other boards everyday to read up on affairs and talk to us about her plans. Just keep the rotten secret and move on with your life. I think her reading about affairs on LS and other boards is keeping her affair on her mind. Move on with your life already if you want to keep the secret then KEEP IT SECRET from everyone.

[bentnotbroken]

I beg to differ with most advices being given here. I think that you are right in not confessing.

 

No doubt, you were wrong in what you did. But at the same time you have realized that it was wrong. Most posters are advising you to come out clean. But what good will it serve? Only more pain, lack of trust and break up of confidence between the two of you.

 

It takes some effort to live with the guilt of having wronged someone without his/her knowledge. May be that is your punishment for what you did.

 

My advice is to forget your past and move on.

 

 

Would good would it serve? Hmmm let me that ponder that for a moment.

1) She will know without a shadow of a doubt where she stands with her husband. Now she is with him because she is forcing him to stay by omission.

 

2) She will have to face her own crap and deal with the "real" fallout, not her self serving flogging that only adds to her continued mess.

 

3) It takes no effort to lie, it comes naturally to most of us. The real work comes from being truthful no matter the consequences.

 

4) There is already no confidence of their relationship, hence her lying to protect the status quo.

 

5) She has already cheated twice. One of the reasons for that would be there were no consequences for her actions. Her guilt, remorse...whatever you want to call it didn't stop her from screwing around again did it?

 

6) She talks a good game about having a good marriage, but good marriages don't include treating your partner like a they are 2 with no input in their own lives.

 

7) All the hurt and pain and lack of trust begin the moment she started cheating and will continue as long as she cheats her spouse out of making choices for himself.

 

8) Most people can deal with an affair and move past it, it is the lies and continued deceit that kills any love one might have for the spouse and she knows this. That is why she is going through hell and high water to cover her behind.

[ISurvived]

I beg to differ with most advices being given here. I think that you are right in not confessing.

 

No doubt, you were wrong in what you did. But at the same time you have realized that it was wrong. Most posters are advising you to come out clean. But what good will it serve? Only more pain, lack of trust and break up of confidence between the two of you.

 

It takes some effort to live with the guilt of having wronged someone without his/her knowledge. May be that is your punishment for what you did.

 

My advice is to forget your past and move on.

 

Spoken like a WS with something to hide.

 

Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

[Bellechica]

Indian couples....thanks for your advice and get ready for the wrath.

 

I didn't repeat my behavior because I was able to "get away with it"....and I NEVER want to repeat this behavior that is why I am here.

 

Look, the A has already caused severe pain: I broke my exOMs heart (yes, he thought I should end my marriage and be with him but he also realized that when I came to him in the beginning it was for support for my M). I realize that was the wrong choice. I have lost him as a friend forever.

 

I am also hurting because yes, I destroyed that friendship and have put my children's lives in jeopardy. I do feel remorseful. I do feel guilt and pain. I also rationalize that I have the choice to inflict pain on my spouse. I have this choice. Why would I choose to destroy the lives of so many? These are questions I ask of myself?

 

From the research I have been doing, I see that many WW choose to leave their BS just as the majority of BH leave their WWs.

 

I realize most of you want me to move along....isn't this forum meant for all people hurt by infidelity? Is there an unspoken rule that there be consensus? I'm sure there have been other WSs in my situation and they don't stay here because it is clear we aren't welcome.

 

You don't have to respond to anything I say or agree with me. I realize that you all think my Dday will come. I am willing to risk it.

 

Call me selfish if you wish but I ask you this? If you had the choice to save your loved ones from pain wouldn't you choose to do so? My H is like me....conflict avoider and I think if he had an A and ended it and chose to be with me and love me then I would never want to know....that's the truth.

[bentnotbroken]

Indian couples....thanks for your advice and get ready for the wrath.

 

I didn't repeat my behavior because I was able to "get away with it"....and I NEVER want to repeat this behavior that is why I am here.

 

Look, the A has already caused severe pain: I broke my exOMs heart (yes, he thought I should end my marriage and be with him but he also realized that when I came to him in the beginning it was for support for my M). I realize that was the wrong choice. I have lost him as a friend forever.

 

I am also hurting because yes, I destroyed that friendship and have put my children's lives in jeopardy. I do feel remorseful. I do feel guilt and pain. I also rationalize that I have the choice to inflict pain on my spouse. I have this choice. Why would I choose to destroy the lives of so many? These are questions I ask of myself?

 

From the research I have been doing, I see that many WW choose to leave their BS just as the majority of BH leave their WWs.

 

I realize most of you want me to move along....isn't this forum meant for all people hurt by infidelity? Is there an unspoken rule that there be consensus? I'm sure there have been other WSs in my situation and they don't stay here because it is clear we aren't welcome.

 

You don't have to respond to anything I say or agree with me. I realize that you all think my Dday will come. I am willing to risk it.

 

Call me selfish if you wish but I ask you this? If you had the choice to save your loved ones from pain wouldn't you choose to do so? My H is like me....conflict avoider and I think if he had an A and ended it and chose to be with me and love me then I would never want to know....that's the truth.

 

Yes you are selfish. And no I don't believe lying to the people I love would be saving anything but my own azz. And yes you wouldn't want to know. It is a way to justify your own mess.

[Owl]

Bella, I'd like to ask my question again, because I really am curious as to what your thought process is on this.

 

Why do you feel that your H doesn't deserve the right and chance to make the choice to continue your marriage (or not) with the full knowledge of your affair?

 

Why do you get to decide that...but he's denied that option?

 

This isn't avoiding causing him pain...it's denying him a choice.

[ISurvived]

Indian couples....thanks for your advice and get ready for the wrath.

 

I didn't repeat my behavior because I was able to "get away with it"....and I NEVER want to repeat this behavior that is why I am here.

 

Look, the A has already caused severe pain: I broke my exOMs heart (yes, he thought I should end my marriage and be with him but he also realized that when I came to him in the beginning it was for support for my M). I realize that was the wrong choice. I have lost him as a friend forever.

 

I am also hurting because yes, I destroyed that friendship and have put my children's lives in jeopardy. I do feel remorseful. I do feel guilt and pain. I also rationalize that I have the choice to inflict pain on my spouse. I have this choice. Why would I choose to destroy the lives of so many? These are questions I ask of myself?

 

From the research I have been doing, I see that many WW choose to leave their BS just as the majority of BH leave their WWs.

 

I realize most of you want me to move along....isn't this forum meant for all people hurt by infidelity? Is there an unspoken rule that there be consensus? I'm sure there have been other WSs in my situation and they don't stay here because it is clear we aren't welcome.

 

You don't have to respond to anything I say or agree with me. I realize that you all think my Dday will come. I am willing to risk it.

 

Call me selfish if you wish but I ask you this? If you had the choice to save your loved ones from pain wouldn't you choose to do so? My H is like me....conflict avoider and I think if he had an A and ended it and chose to be with me and love me then I would never want to know....that's the truth.

 

You're right. You repeated your behavior because you have no boundaries or morals. You are a self-centered elitist that excuses being a liar under the false pretense of "saving" your BH. You want to save your own backside.

 

Boo freaking hoo!! You broke OM heart. What about your BH? No mention of the destruction of him mentioned.

 

If you had the choice to save your loved ones from pain wouldn't you choose to do so?

This is pain of your making. You continue to cause pain in the marriage from dishonesty. You just really don't get it do you?

 

You came here for help, you have rejected it all. Now you want to whine that people don't agree with you? Typical of a cake eater.

[indian_couples]

I believe that LS is overflowing with people who are upright, have never done anything wrong in their past, are the ones who ALWAYS speak the truth, no matter what the consequence be, can be usually found at the frontier of the crowd of people throwing stone in Iran....I kneel down before these people.

 

For me, i am a lesser mortal and more of a emotional sort of Guy. And if some wife is saying this:

 

He's half the man my husband is....and you may not believe me, but I do love my H very much.

 

I think she deserves a second chance! Btw, i am not a WS. Happily married to the most wonderful girl.

 

On a different note, some of you may like reading The Scarlet Letter.

[anne1707]

I believe that LS is overflowing with people

who are upright, have never done anything wrong in their past, are the ones who

ALWAYS speak the truth, no matter what the consequence be, can be usually found

at the frontier of the crowd of people throwing stone in Iran....I kneel down

before these people.

 

 

 

 

My that is strong rhetoric for a "new" poster

 

As it is, there are fWS who have pretty much said the same thing to the OP as the vast majority of other contributors so your logic fails

[stillafool]

It is clear that you are really here because of the pain you feel losing the OM. I don't believe you are here looking for ways not to enter into another affair for a moment. You are still putting OM's feelings ahead of your H. You shouldn't be worried about losing him as a friend if you are really concerned about not crossing boundaries. You should know by now that you can never be friends with him again if you want to keep your marriage. If OM were to be a friend of yours that would mean he could also be around your husband. Would you take your friendship with OM that far? So just stop lying. I also don't believe you are in IC. The problem with liars is sooner or later no one believes anything they say.

[Steadfast]

Call me selfish if you wish but I ask you this? If you had the choice to save your loved ones from pain wouldn't you choose to do so?

 

I'll answer your question with a question; Isn't it too late for that? You had the chance to 'save' your loved ones from pain by not cheating, but you rejected it in favor of what you wanted, when you wanted it. Is this true or not? On top of it all, you still have feelings for the man you cheated with.

 

You're 'not getting it' on purpose, clearly. What you are saying is; "I want what I want. Always." If you really loved, you WOULD NOT have done it.

 

Now, you're taking away your BH's only chance of self choice. You white-wash it by saying you're actually doing him a favor. Tragic!

 

And people wonder why the world is what it is today. Here it is!

[bentnotbroken]

Oh brother.

 

 

Really. .................

[2sunny]

The fact that you are STILL considering the feelings of your OM is showing how little you are growing past your affair.

 

Shows evidence that YOU are not working to repair the damage you caused.

 

When six or eight months go by and you haven't even given him a thought - but ONLY considered how your HUSBAND acts, thinks and feels - THAT is when you may be making progress.

 

As long as you are thinking of your OM (in any way shape or form) you aren't honoring your Husband or your marriage.

 

And since you're doing that - you aren't showing signs of healing your marriage at all!

[bentnotbroken]

I believe that LS is overflowing with people who are upright, have never done anything wrong in their past, are the ones who ALWAYS speak the truth, no matter what the consequence be, can be usually found at the frontier of the crowd of people throwing stone in Iran....I kneel down before these people.

 

For me, i am a lesser mortal and more of a emotional sort of Guy. And if some wife is saying this:

 

 

 

I think she deserves a second chance! Btw, i am not a WS. Happily married to the most wonderful girl.

 

On a different note, some of you may like reading The Scarlet Letter.

 

In this case it would be a third chance BTW.

[Bellechica]

Owl, I have known my husband for almost twenty years and I believe like me, he would prefer not to know that the A happened. That is denying him the choice but once I've divulged the A the choice of never knowing is gone.

Nofool, my exAP is/was a friend of my H. I have told the OM that he cannot contact me for any reason: not work, not to check on me, not if he needs me. So far he has respected my wishes.

 

I realize in hindsight how the A distorted my view of my H and M. I do not idolize my exAP....he is as screwed up as me.

 

I do not have unrealistic expectations now for my M or my H. I'm not a blubbering mess, moping around grieving my exAP. I am keeping it together. I am surprisingly feeling hopeful. Am I aware that by keeping the A a secret will haunt me throughout my life, yes, I am very much aware of this.....

Edited April 10, 2012 by Bellechica
Typos

[Owl]

Owl, I have known my husband for almost twenty years and I believe like me, he would prefer not to know that the A happened. That is denying him the choice but once I've divulged the A the choice of never knowing is gone.

 

Thanks for the straight answer. Much appreciated. My experience is that it's extremely rare that someone truly doesn't want to know...but I can't argue that it doesn't happen.

 

It'll be interesting to see how this plays out, long term. I wish the best for you and your H.

[ISurvived]

I believe that LS is overflowing with people who are upright, have never done anything wrong in their past, are the ones who ALWAYS speak the truth, no matter what the consequence be, can be usually found at the frontier of the crowd of people throwing stone in Iran....I kneel down before these people.

 

For me, i am a lesser mortal and more of a emotional sort of Guy. And if some wife is saying this:

 

 

 

I think she deserves a second chance! Btw, i am not a WS. Happily married to the most wonderful girl.

 

On a different note, some of you may like reading The Scarlet Letter.

 

 

So you have a distaste for the truth?

 

If not a WS maybe a FWS or were you a BS? If neither, you can't comment intelligently on infidelity.

Edited April 15, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Bellechica]

May I ask where the user control panel is on this site? I would like to enable the pm feature if possible. I realize you all are beating a dead horse here.....

[Owl]

May I ask where the user control panel is on this site? I would like to enable the pm feature if possible. I realize you all are beating a dead horse here.....

 

Look at "quick links" directly under your name in the upper right corner of the site. Click on that, and look about 2/3rds of the way down the drop down menu for "user control panel".

[Bellechica]

Thank you owl....I receive a message that I do not have privileges to pm. I may not have been here 30 days?

[Owl]

According to your profile, you joined on Mar 26th. So nope, not 30 days yet.

[nofool4u]

and don't forget...you're still lying.

 

She doesn't care

[nofool4u]

Bellechica, I would ask you to do one good thing. Ask your counselor if you should tell your husband the truth or not, then come back and tell us , HONESTLY, what he/she said.

 

 

A therapist with someone in IC will not tell the person they need to come clean. That isn't the therapists concern in IC. Their concern is with the person working on themselves. Yes, we would see being honest with the husband part of that, but the therapist more than likely will not think so.

 

A therapist in IC is going to advise them on something they can work on. And if the therapist thinks turmoil will be the result of coming clean, they aren't going to advise it one way or the other.

 

Now in MC it would more than likely be the therapists advice to put all the cards on the table, but not so much IC

[nofool4u]

Call me selfish if you wish but I ask you this? If you had the choice to save your loved ones from pain wouldn't you choose to do so?

 

You already did. Its not your telling of your cheating, its the cheating itself. Too late there.

 

And as someone whose x-wife kept her little secret hidden from me, it was 8 years later when I found out. I was in MORE pain because she didn't tell me. Why? Because I wasted 8 extra years of my life because she robbed me the chance to decide how my future goes. She did it for her own selfish reasons and in the end, stole years of my life from me by deciding to cowardly keep her mouth shut.

 

 

My H is like me....conflict avoider and I think if he had an A and ended it and chose to be with me and love me then I would never want to know....that's the truth.

 

Ya, of course YOU wouldn't want to know now that you are the one that is the cheater.