New here. Married woman who had affair and just ended for good I hope

[Bittersweetie]

When I was toward the end of the A, I told my mother what I was doing. And she was pissed. She was so angry with me but looking back I literally cannot remember anything she actually said in that phone call. After d-day, I told my H about this conversation. And he was angry with my mother, for not pushing me to stop, for not pointing out the ramifications, etc. And when I thought about it, I said to him, "H, she very well may have said all that. But the thing was, at that time, I wasn't ready to hear it, so I didn't hear it." To this day I don't remember anything else about that phone call beyond me telling her and her being very, very upset with me. I think the reason is because, I knew all those things deep down, but I just wasn't ready to hear it or face it.

 

Bella, I think that may be some of what's going on here. You may know what you have to do, deep down, but you're just not ready to face it or hear what everyone is saying. That may be okay short term, but not long term. Hopefully being in IC can help you move toward a point when you can truly listen, consider, and maybe even find the courage to act.

 

Because I still feel, as I said before earlier in this thread, that the growth you are looking for in yourself and in your marriage cannot be achieved without complete honesty.

 

B

[Bryanp]

I will just chime in. You either have a marriage based on honesty and respect or lies and deceit. The choice has always been yours and continues to be yours.

[manup]

I hope he finds out.

[despicableME]

^Straight and to the point-- NICE!

[nofool4u]

It seems you all run people like me off: a woman who betrayed and quit and wants to try to make things work.

 

*sigh* YOU AREN'T GETTING IT! Lying and deceiving has no place in "making it work"

 

You aren't "making it work", you are covering your own ass and continuing the deception of your husband.

 

 

I will stay just to provide another opinion in the future to someone perhaps in a similar situation.

 

Oh thats great, another person who advocates lying.

 

 

Or I suppose someone can ban me if I'm hated so much. I don't mind being in the minority and I truly have gotten a lot out of reading the threads.

 

Oh you aren't the minority here as much as you think. There are alot of unscrupulous people here that are only out for themselves and will abuse their partners in order to get what they want.

 

So with that, we fully realize you aren't going to do right by your husband. So the only thing any of us can hope for is he finds out he is being trapped in a marriage with a liar and a cheater and he has the ability in the future to decide for himself how his life ends up, and no let a lying wife decide for him.

Edited April 12, 2012 by nofool4u

[Bellechica]

I am working on changing myself so that I don't repeat the bad choices. I do not blame my H for my choice to have an A. Again, much of the advice here has helped.

[Owl]

If you're really, truly wanting things to work out with your H...I suggest marriage counseling.

 

Having that neutral third party to help sort through tough issues can be invaluable.

 

Have you considered this? Or have you discounted it as an MC is likely to require you to be fully honest in their sessions and with your H?

 

Realize...rebuilding with your H is going to REQUIRE you to sacrifice somethings. One of those things will be maintaining a deception about a major event that impacts the marriage.

 

I get that you don't want to tell TODAY...but...how about seeking out an MC and agreeing with them that you'll tell sometime in the near future?

[stillafool]

It's find to call me a liar but I think it's wrong to be referring to men as cuckolds. This really should be a civil discussion. We are all from various backgrounds but I would like to think we are above such childish behavior.

 

A cuckold is a man whose wife has commited adultery. What are you talking about?

[nofool4u]

I am working on changing myself so that I don't repeat the bad choices.

 

Continued lying and deception are bad choices.

 

Nothing is going to change. And sorry, as long as you lay the groundwork to get away with what you did, I don't care what you say, you WILL cheat again. You are going to want it too much.

 

Your husband deserves a good woman.

[nofool4u]

A cuckold is a man whose wife has commited adultery. What are you talking about?

 

Exactly. But even though the definition is "a man who has an unfaithful wife", I think its generally accepted that a cuckold is a man that knows his wife is unfaithful, but chooses to put up with continued cheating because he can't bear to leave the beyotch:cool:

 

Belle, you say by calling your H a cuckold its "childish"? Cuckold is a proper term with a meaning, and sorry, your husband, by definition IS a cuckold. Nothing childish about it. Its a proper adjective.

 

Childish is lying to someone, deceiving them, and cheating on them. So be careful what characteristics you attribute to a discussion, because it can be applied to you as well.

Edited April 12, 2012 by nofool4u

[ISurvived]

I am working on changing myself so that I don't repeat the bad choices. I do not blame my H for my choice to have an A. Again, much of the advice here has helped.

 

It's great you are working on changing yourself. It truly is. How are you going to completely change without changing the lying and dishonesty?

[bentnotbroken]

It's great you are working on changing yourself. It truly is. How are you going to completely change without changing the lying and dishonesty?

^^^^^^^^^^^This.

[ISurvived]

I'm wondering about this "change" too, with her husband being kept in the dark and unable to hold her accountable. In addition to the continued deceit, the title of this thread is a huge red flag/predictor as well: Married woman who had affair and just ended for good . . . I hope.

 

.

 

I doubt she will answer me. I think I am too blunt and too honest for her taste.

[findingnemo]

Exactly. But even though the definition is "a man who has an unfaithful wife", I think its generally accepted that a cuckold is a man that knows his wife is unfaithful, but chooses to put up with continued cheating because he can't bear to leave the beyotch:cool:

 

Belle, you say by calling your H a cuckold its "childish"? Cuckold is a proper term with a meaning, and sorry, your husband, by definition IS a cuckold. Nothing childish about it. Its a proper adjective.

 

Childish is lying to someone, deceiving them, and cheating on them. So be careful what characteristics you attribute to a discussion, because it can be applied to you as well.

 

Belle said her H doesn't know. So he's not a cuckold.

[Black Jack]

If you're really, truly wanting things to work out with your H...I suggest marriage counseling.

 

Having that neutral third party to help sort through tough issues can be invaluable.

 

Have you considered this? Or have you discounted it as an MC is likely to require you to be fully honest in their sessions and with your H?

 

Realize...rebuilding with your H is going to REQUIRE you to sacrifice somethings. One of those things will be maintaining a deception about a major event that impacts the marriage.

 

I get that you don't want to tell TODAY...but...how about seeking out an MC and agreeing with them that you'll tell sometime in the near future?

 

She should've been told him, and withholding that information from him only shows she cares only about her. If they go to "MC" it will based on nothing but lies.

[nofool4u]

Belle said her H doesn't know. So he's not a cuckold.

 

But thats not what the definition of a cuckold says. The definition simply states a man with an unfaithful wife. So by definition, he is.

 

But I simply think that most people consider a cuckold to be a man that chooses to ignore a wife's cheating.

[drifter777]

But thats not what the definition of a cuckold says. The definition simply states a man with an unfaithful wife. So by definition, he is.

 

But I simply think that most people consider a cuckold to be a man that chooses to ignore a wife's cheating.

 

We're getting off topic here but I think that rather than her husband being "a cuckold" it might be better put that she is "cuckolding" him by not revealing the truth about her infidelities. Since he doesn't know, he can't either be ok with it (a cuckold) or demand that she end the affair(s) and never do it again.

 

It's just semantics but it might help us move on.

[nofool4u]

We're getting off topic here but I think that rather than her husband being "a cuckold" it might be better put that she is "cuckolding" him by not revealing the truth about her infidelities. Since he doesn't know, he can't either be ok with it (a cuckold) or demand that she end the affair(s) and never do it again.

 

It's just semantics but it might help us move on.

 

I agree, but the point was, Belle thinks it is childish to say he is a cuckold when by definition he is. She just doesn't like hearing how she is "cuckolding" him.

 

Sorry Belle, goes with the territory. Whether you like it or not, thats what you have done to him.

[Bellechica]

Alice, you aren't too blunt in fact I have taken some of your advice to heart. I say "I hope" about ending the A for good because I have tried so many times to end it with OM. I just want to have him away from me forever but I'm sorry that I still have thoughts about him. I don't want to. I am trying to use some of the CBT techniques I am learning in IC. I really want to stop this cycle of distructive behavior.

 

Owl, for some reason I get a kind person vibe from you so I will reply to your post regarding MC. I do know that I need to be in MC but I realize it is pointless if I don't divulge the whole truth. I'm working through IC. I am not blaming my H for my problems in fact the further I am from the A, the better I view my H. I don't expect him to be perfect but he is so much a better man than the OM can ever be. I will not rule out MC in the future and I admit that it would mean confessing to the A. Just as I always thought I would never ever cheat. I will never say never. If someone told me, Belle, in 2011 you will commit adultery I never would have believed it......

[Ninja'sHusband]

Alice, you aren't too blunt in fact I have taken some of your advice to heart. I say "I hope" about ending the A for good because I have tried so many times to end it with OM. I just want to have him away from me forever but I'm sorry that I still have thoughts about him. I don't want to. I am trying to use some of the CBT techniques I am learning in IC. I really want to stop this cycle of distructive behavior.

 

Owl, for some reason I get a kind person vibe from you so I will reply to your post regarding MC. I do know that I need to be in MC but I realize it is pointless if I don't divulge the whole truth. I'm working through IC. I am not blaming my H for my problems in fact the further I am from the A, the better I view my H. I don't expect him to be perfect but he is so much a better man than the OM can ever be. I will not rule out MC in the future and I admit that it would mean confessing to the A. Just as I always thought I would never ever cheat. I will never say never. If someone told me, Belle, in 2011 you will commit adultery I never would have believed it......

 

I sense some hope in this post

 

and yes Owl is one of the friendly peeps on this site. Kidd, The Blue Knight, Sandie, and Spark are some others

[anne1707]

I sense some hope in this post

 

Some hope in that Belle says she may consider MC which would finally mean being honest with her H. However for him, the discovery in a month. six months, a year.... does not lessen the pain for him. In some ways I think it would be worse because she has continued the lie for so long.

 

 

and yes Owl is one of the friendly peeps on this site. Kidd, The Blue Knight, Sandie, and Spark are some others

 

Totally agree - Owl helped me get through some of my lowest points. Belle would do well to listen to him and to really consider his words. Both he and Spark show that there does not have to be bitterness in the BS and should be a lesson to Belle that honesty and openness from the WS is essential in reconciling and rebuilding trust in the marriage.

[WildHorses]

Two affairs on your husband. Wow. The guilt you feel must be horrible. I'm sure it has changed you. You are hiding this from your husband. That husband of yours has no clue? He has never been suspicious? Ya know, when people play around like this, there are consequences. You played. And, I honestly think you owe your husband the truth. He deserves the right to know. Telling him, yes, he very well might leave you. And, when playing with fire, you do get burned. A therapist might be a good idea as well. I hope that you can change your ways, and get down to the bottom of these issues. This is not a healthy lifestyle, and now that you chose to do this, you are not going to feel good about yourself until you speak to your husband, and perhaps get into therapy. Learn from this experience. Maybe get into church and connect with God.

[stillafool]

Maybe get into church and connect with God.

 

I think this is a great idea.

[nofool4u]

Maybe get into church and connect with God.

 

This might be a good idea......if she still is determined to continue lying and deceiving her husband. So until she stops this bad behavior, going to church is like putting lipstick on a pig.

[WildHorses]

This might be a good idea......if she still is determined to continue lying and deceiving her husband. So until she stops this bad behavior, going to church is like putting lipstick on a pig.

 

 

I absolutely agree with you. I think she needs to first STOP the behavior, inform her husband, go see a therapist, and then return to church. Try to be a true follower of Christ. And, perhaps read the Ten Commandments again.