New here. Married woman who had affair and just ended for good I hope

[nofool4u]

I absolutely agree with you. I think she needs to first STOP the behavior, inform her husband, go see a therapist, and then return to church. Try to be a true follower of Christ. And, perhaps read the Ten Commandments again.

 

Yes, and I meant to say if she is NO LONGER determined to continue lying and deceiving her H.

[Bellechica]

I'm a diest.

[nofool4u]

Thats good, because based on your character, religion does not suit you.

[Bellechica]

Being a diest does not mean that I do not feel guilt or remorse. I am quite aware that my choices were wrong and that they could inflict pain and destroy the lives of my loved ones. I am spiritual but not religious. I think most organized religions cause pain and division, but this is not a forum to discuss religious beliefs. Nofool, I'm not reacting to you or replying to you as you do not believe a word I say. I am just letting you know that I am not ignoring you buy I find it pointless for us to even converse. I'm sure this pleases you.

Anyway.....I'm not sure why I'm replying. I'd be happy just lurking

[SomedayDig]

Anyway.....I'm not sure why I'm replying. I'd be happy just lying

 

There...fixed it.

 

Sorry Belle, but until you confess you A's to your H, I find zero pity in my heart for you.

[SoxPrincess]

Belle,

 

I replied to you several times on SI, so I think my advice has been pretty clear; not telling may not have consequences today, tomorrow, next month or next year; but eventually they will come to fruition. I told you my story on SI; how I confessed to my H & one of the first things he said when we started MC was "Just an FYI, had I found out on my own or found out years later, you would have been out on your ass in a hot second. I KNEW something was off but I didn't know what." Your H knows, he just doesn't know what & it's likely driving him insane. It's a horrible thing to do to someone. Bottom line.

 

I won't continually preach to you as everyone on SI has the same advice to you as the posters here. The advice you've been given has been given for a reason; we've been there & done that or in the case of the BS' that post, they are speaking from your H's point of view. I know you're terribly afraid of hurting your family, of losing them; I was too, but I still confessed to my H because he had the right to be informed of what was happening in our M; I had already removed so many of his other choices. It's SO easy to say "he'll never find out"; OK, maybe he won't (he will, trust me), is it really any better to let him go through life thinking he's crazy for knowing something is off but not being able to put his finger on it?

 

Are you willing to continually gamble & ultimately lose everything you're afraid of when the truth comes out??

[y2k]

I do love my husband and he did nothing wrong.

 

It doesn't sound like you love him. It sounds like you "love" him out of some sort of mistaken obligation. Don't "love" someone because you are "obligated" to. That's really unhealthy.

 

I know I need to make my marriage work.

 

You don't have to make it work. You can just leave your husband to re-start all over while giving your husband the chance to find someone who really loves him. This happens in life. Let him free to find someone!!!! You too can maybe find someone (your lover perhaps??...).

 

I know I have to live with guilt but I can't tell him what happened. I told him again that I'm unhappy and that if we don't reconnect with each other our marriage is over.

 

This marriage sounds dead already. Just end it so that BOTH OF YOU can start over and find happiness.

 

You miss your lover. You only live once, and being married shouldn't be a "chore" or "obligation". My opinion.....end the marriage and live life. Maybe this lover of yours that you miss is the love of your life......maybe he's not. Either way, your husband deserves a woman who loves him, so you should let him go so that he can find that woman.

[JustJoe]

Belle, when you started this thread you were adamant about not disclosing the affair to your husband, and I'm glad that you are considering it now. Nobody is saying that you have to disclose , "cold turkey". There are many ways to do so, that will help you and your husband to face the facts, and soften the blow. Disclosing in MC, or in the presence of a pastor or lay leader or trusted friends or family will help. I would also like to recommend the MARRIAGE BUILDERS website. Some might not agree, but Dr. Harley's track record of reconciliation and rebuilding marriages after affairs , is very impressive. My cousin used it to recover from her husband's affair andd their marriage is much stronger now than before. SI, is too "wishy-washy", and tends to validate bad behavior. My wife heartily concurs.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Belle, when you started this thread you were adamant about not disclosing the affair to your husband, and I'm glad that you are considering it now. Nobody is saying that you have to disclose , "cold turkey". There are many ways to do so, that will help you and your husband to face the facts, and soften the blow. Disclosing in MC, or in the presence of a pastor or lay leader or trusted friends or family will help. I would also like to recommend the MARRIAGE BUILDERS website. Some might not agree, but Dr. Harley's track record of reconciliation and rebuilding marriages after affairs , is very impressive. My cousin used it to recover from her husband's affair andd their marriage is much stronger now than before. SI, is too "wishy-washy", and tends to validate bad behavior. My wife heartily concurs.

Love the Harleys Not sure what you mean by not "cold turkey", if by that you mean trickle truth...then you are dead wrong...no one here is suggesting trickle truth. That is the WORST thing you can do besides no truth (what Belle is doing now)

[manup]

You do realize you are manipulating his life choices right, that you are being self centered, that you do not want to face consequences? I really cannot understand how you wake up every morning. What does it feel like to be a narcissist without a conscience? Is your kid your excuse? Do you constantly convince yourself that you matter enough to him that telling him would cause him so much hurt he wouldn't be able to move on?

[JustJoe]

Love the Harleys Not sure what you mean by not "cold turkey"' date=' if by that you mean trickle truth...then you are dead wrong...no one here is suggesting trickle truth. That is the WORST thing you can do besides no truth (what Belle is doing now)[/quote']By "cold Turkey", I mean that you can disclose the affair in any number of scenerios, that will cause less pain and be condusive to healing. If you have read the Harley's , they go into this at great detail.

[jnj express]

Hey Belle---I am coming in here very late into your situation---but I have a couple of questions

 

Sex seems to be the catalyst that is making your life miserable------what if/when---your H, decides he doesn't want sex, as before---what do you intend to do-------I might suggest you DEMAND of him, with a consequence being possible D, that he go to a sex therapist.

 

Other point is, you seem to not be able to get your lover out of your head, I know that he will not go away anytime soon, it comes with the territory-----you say he is a colleague of yours, related to your work----do you see him at all, at your work/job/workplace----if so that has to stop, or he will never get out of your mind.

 

You also said that earlier in your mge., you and your H, drank heavily----do you still imbibe, if so, that can be very, very, very dangerous, to you keeping your secret, what is to prevent you from spilling your guts, when drunk???

 

Just a couple of thoughts

[Bellechica]

Hey Belle---I am coming in here very late into your situation---but I have a couple of questions

 

Sex seems to be the catalyst that is making your life miserable------what if/when---your H, decides he doesn't want sex, as before---what do you intend to do-------I might suggest you DEMAND of him, with a consequence being possible D, that he go to a sex therapist.

 

I think sex is at least for now ok although we both drink a little before it happens. I think I drink because I don't want to think about OM and maybe my H does to relax. We don't get wasted. I think I would be okay if he doesn't want sex anymore if there are other forms of affection. The main issue with lack of sex was feeling rejected but since I've backed off from initiating things seem less forced. We are coming off a major dry spell since while I was in the A, my H and I didn't have sex. It didn't seem to bother my H at the time.

 

Other point is, you seem to not be able to get your lover out of your head, I know that he will not go away anytime soon, it comes with the territory-----you say he is a colleague of yours, related to your work----do you see him at all, at your work/job/workplace----if so that has to stop, or he will never get out of your mind.

 

Yes, this is a major problem. I try not to think about OM and I have removed as many triggers as possible but in many ways I still feel like I'm on that roller coaster of crap with so many horrible emotions going through my head: hating him, missing him, etc. I wish there was some drug that could erase my mind from guilt and just numb my emotions. If I have to see him at work, I try to think about my children. I look at their pictures on my phone. I think about the good traits in my H.

 

 

You also said that earlier in your mge., you and your H, drank heavily----do you still imbibe, if so, that can be very, very, very dangerous, to you keeping your secret, what is to prevent you from spilling your guts, when drunk???

 

We drink but we don't get wasted. I am trying to find healthier ways of dealing with my emotions....exercise, yoga, reading and coming here even though I feel like crap most of the time.

 

And I confess to you all that the OM came to my office the other day and I told him that I was on Internet forums for infidelity and that most people say I can't rebuild my marriage if I don't divuldge all that's happened. He said "you live in a beautiful world. Don't destroy other's perception of beauty". He also said, "your H will leave you that is certain, but if you choose to tell you may come live with me."

 

I don't want that at all. I can't even imagine such a life.

Edited April 15, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quotes

[Bellechica]

Yeah, I know, I should have thought about "such a life" before I choose to have an A with him. I created my own hell......I know that. I'm not looking for anyone's pity. It just feels slightly better to write these feelings out....,

[ISurvived]

Hey Belle---I am coming in here very late into your situation---but I have a couple of questions

 

Sex seems to be the catalyst that is making your life miserable------what if/when---your H, decides he doesn't want sex, as before---what do you intend to do-------I might suggest you DEMAND of him, with a consequence being possible D, that he go to a sex therapist.

 

I think sex is at least for now ok although we both drink a little before it happens. I think I drink because I don't want to think about OM and maybe my H does to relax. We don't get wasted. I think I would be okay if he doesn't want sex anymore if there are other forms of affection. The main issue with lack of sex was feeling rejected but since I've backed off from initiating things seem less forced. We are coming off a major dry spell since while I was in the A, my H and I didn't have sex. It didn't seem to bother my H at the time.

 

Other point is, you seem to not be able to get your lover out of your head, I know that he will not go away anytime soon, it comes with the territory-----you say he is a colleague of yours, related to your work----do you see him at all, at your work/job/workplace----if so that has to stop, or he will never get out of your mind.

 

Yes, this is a major problem. I try not to think about OM and I have removed as many triggers as possible but in many ways I still feel like I'm on that roller coaster of crap with so many horrible emotions going through my head: hating him, missing him, etc. I wish there was some drug that could erase my mind from guilt and just numb my emotions. If I have to see him at work, I try to think about my children. I look at their pictures on my phone. I think about the good traits in my H.

 

 

You also said that earlier in your mge., you and your H, drank heavily----do you still imbibe, if so, that can be very, very, very dangerous, to you keeping your secret, what is to prevent you from spilling your guts, when drunk???

 

We drink but we don't get wasted. I am trying to find healthier ways of dealing with my emotions....exercise, yoga, reading and coming here even though I feel like crap most of the time.

 

And I confess to you all that the OM came to my office the other day and I told him that I was on Internet forums for infidelity and that most people say I can't rebuild my marriage if I don't divuldge all that's happened. He said "you live in a beautiful world. Don't destroy other's perception of beauty". He also said, "your H will leave you that is certain, but if you choose to tell you may come live with me."

 

I don't want that at all. I can't even imagine such a life.

 

Of course he doesn't want you to tell. I don't know your BH, but most men would want to deal out a serious butt whipping after finding out.

 

You do realize he is telling you what you want to hear. He is manipulating you. He doesn't have a clue as to whether your BH would leave you.

 

Are you still in an EA with OM? You have not established NC.

[Owl]

And I confess to you all that the OM came to my office the other day and I told him that I was on Internet forums for infidelity and that most people say I can't rebuild my marriage if I don't divuldge all that's happened. He said "you live in a beautiful world. Don't destroy other's perception of beauty". He also said, "your H will leave you that is certain, but if you choose to tell you may come live with me."

 

I don't want that at all. I can't even imagine such a life.

 

Belle...what does this really tell you? It tells me that OM doesn't give a rat's behind about you OR your H. He tells you that you need to live a lie. That your H needs to live a lie. He claims that the reason for this is to "protect other's perception of beauty". I can't think of a bigger line of BS that I've heard in a long time. The reality is...he doesn't want HIS WORLD to come crashing down on him when the truth comes out. And...the reality is that you're not telling your H for the same reason.

 

Look...I'm truly not attacking you here. Again...look at what others of said about my view and stance on things.

 

I'm telling you an honest, straight-forward truth and reality. That's the true motivation behind not telling your H, and if you'll be honest with yourself at least, you'll recognize and admit this at least to yourself, if not to anyone else.

 

Not telling him doesn't protect your H...it protects yourself first and foremost.

 

For what it's worth, I agree with JustJoe's recommendation about marriagebuilders...but I'll caution you to stay away from their forum...if you think you're getting beat up here, you'll be eaten alive there in moments.

 

But their methodolgies and philosphies were key in my own marital recovery.

 

Last thought...you KNOW you need to do MC, but you haven't pursued that avenue because you know that it'll require you to be honest. Can you see how this is NOT doing everything you can to rebuild your marriage here? It's deliberately and intentionally avoiding a BASIC REQUIREMENT that your marriage will need to recover...because you're afraid to tell the truth. Again...not to protect your H...be honest...it's to protect yourself from the fallout that you know will happen when the truth is disclosed.

 

That's a normal, gut reaction first response. Ask Anne. She felt it too.

 

But if you want to have a chance at having a truly recovered marriage...you need to put your mind over your fear and do the right thing.

 

Again...ask Anne. She's done it. She can tell you exactly what happened with her own conflict with this.

 

I truly do wish you the best, and I honestly believe you're worth it. Otherwise, I wouldn't have taken the time to offer all this advice.

 

Give that some serious thought, my friend.

[Bellechica]

I survived, my H isn't the type to butt whoop anyone. He's the most peace loving man in the world. The OM on the other hand looks for and starts trouble, but I admit I suppose I'm still in an EA with him even though we haven't spoken since that conversation. Yep, NC was broken and now I feel like I'm back on the roller coaster. Yes owl, he doesn't respect me if he broke NC and then feeds my head by saying don't confess but if you do, I'll take you. He knew from the beginning that I wanted to work on my M and that I didn't want to lose my H.

 

It's my fault also for not just saying get out of my office. I have to work harder at this.....

 

Alice, I have thought before that my H might be gay but I asked a couple of gay male friends if they every got a "vibe" and they said no way. I think the sexually issue might be that he wants to make sure I enjoy it. Maybe we got married too young and he didn't have many partners before me. We haven't discussed past relationships. He is a very private person and frankly I don't want to know details about his past sexual experiences. I don't think he is having an affair. We check in with each other a lot at work, especially lately.

 

I've cried a lot this morning just being alone and I thought about the reason for my tears. Is it for the loss of AP? Is it for my M and kids? I think there actually tears for Owl and Ninja's H as I would hope somewhere in my own H heart he could forgive and try as they are doing.

[Owl]

I've cried a lot this morning just being alone and I thought about the reason for my tears. Is it for the loss of AP? Is it for my M and kids? I think there actually tears for Owl and Ninja's H as I would hope somewhere in my own H heart he could forgive and try as they are doing.

 

There's only one way to answer that question.

 

And even if chooses not to forgive and try (and I honestly don't know what his response will actually be), he's given the chance to make that choice for himself, rather than have it made for him without his knowledge, and against his will.

 

You're a better woman than that, Belle, even if you don't think so right now.

[jnj express]

You might wanna have your H., checked for testosterone levels---that may be his problem

 

As to you---you are gonna go right back into your A., and all this crap about wanting your mge., and kids, is just so much talk----IF YOU DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB

 

I do not care how much money you make---it is either your, mge., and KIDS, or your job---it should be a no brainer---if you are serious

 

Everything you tried to do, went down the drain---and for him to tell you--you can come live with him---he is a piece of work---and he is just waiting to swoop you up----the cracks, just showed didn't they---you should never have allowed him to even come into your office

 

YOU ARE NOT OVER YOUR A----Whether you are serious about your H., or not---you sure as he*l should be serious about the future of your kids, and that is an even bigger destruction than your mge

 

You need to wake up---either pi*s or get off the pot-----You either end your A., or destroy your family----it is at the end of the day---YOUR CHOICE---and right now your family is way back in 2nd place, and losing---cuz you can't get into that POS lover of yours's, face and tell him forcefully, and strongly---to stay the he*l away from you

[SoulStorm]

He said "you live in a beautiful world. Don't destroy other's perception of beauty". He also said, "your H will leave you that is certain, but if you choose to tell you may come live with me."

 

 

Is your world really beautiful right now?

His comment shows just how loyal he is for saving your M. He wants another go. Plain and simple. Some friend there.

[JustJoe]

Hey Belle---I am coming in here very late into your situation---but I have a couple of questions

 

Sex seems to be the catalyst that is making your life miserable------what if/when---your H, decides he doesn't want sex, as before---what do you intend to do-------I might suggest you DEMAND of him, with a consequence being possible D, that he go to a sex therapist.

 

I think sex is at least for now ok although we both drink a little before it happens. I think I drink because I don't want to think about OM and maybe my H does to relax. We don't get wasted. I think I would be okay if he doesn't want sex anymore if there are other forms of affection. The main issue with lack of sex was feeling rejected but since I've backed off from initiating things seem less forced. We are coming off a major dry spell since while I was in the A, my H and I didn't have sex. It didn't seem to bother my H at the time.

 

Other point is, you seem to not be able to get your lover out of your head, I know that he will not go away anytime soon, it comes with the territory-----you say he is a colleague of yours, related to your work----do you see him at all, at your work/job/workplace----if so that has to stop, or he will never get out of your mind.

 

Yes, this is a major problem. I try not to think about OM and I have removed as many triggers as possible but in many ways I still feel like I'm on that roller coaster of crap with so many horrible emotions going through my head: hating him, missing him, etc. I wish there was some drug that could erase my mind from guilt and just numb my emotions. If I have to see him at work, I try to think about my children. I look at their pictures on my phone. I think about the good traits in my H.

 

 

You also said that earlier in your mge., you and your H, drank heavily----do you still imbibe, if so, that can be very, very, very dangerous, to you keeping your secret, what is to prevent you from spilling your guts, when drunk???

 

We drink but we don't get wasted. I am trying to find healthier ways of dealing with my emotions....exercise, yoga, reading and coming here even though I feel like crap most of the time.

 

And I confess to you all that the OM came to my office the other day and I told him that I was on Internet forums for infidelity and that most people say I can't rebuild my marriage if I don't divuldge all that's happened. He said "you live in a beautiful world. Don't destroy other's perception of beauty". He also said, "your H will leave you that is certain, but if you choose to tell you may come live with me."

 

I don't want that at all. I can't even imagine such a life.

So you will take the word of your OM, over telling your husband the truth? Who are you married to anyway? I just begin to think you are coming out of the fog, and you plunge back into it headfirst. Rather than be honest to your husband, you discus your marriage with the OM? Are you really this dense? Your OM doesn't want you to tell your husband, if you did it would show that you were re-committing to your marriage, plus he might get the hell beat out of him, or other people might find out. So he makes up a little poetry and you fall for it , hook , line and sinker.

Edited April 15, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Decorum

[JustJoe]

This thread is bordering on the ridiculious. If it wasn't so horrible, it would be funny. I was the OM in an affair (it will never happen again, btw), but if I was as predatory as Belle's OM I could keep this going for years. Belle, you will believe ANYTHING that man tells you, won't you? He tells you to lie to your husband and you do it. Don't you have a mind of your own? Where does your loyalty lie? To your husband or to the OM? I have tried to be honest and straightforward to you and you have never answered any of my posts, so I can only assume that you really don't want to hear anything that is honest, maybe because it reminds you of how terribly dishonest you are. I hope that you are not in any kind of position of authority, because you have no integrity at all.

[Bellechica]

This thread is bordering on the ridiculious. If it wasn't so horrible, it would be funny. I was the OM in an affair (it will never happen again, btw), but if I was as predatory as Belle's OM I could keep this going for years. Belle, you will believe ANYTHING that man tells you, won't you? He tells you to lie to your husband and you do it. Don't you have a mind of your own? Where does your loyalty lie? To your husband or to the OM? I have tried to be honest and straightforward to you and you have never answered any of my posts, so I can only assume that you really don't want to hear anything that is honest, maybe because it reminds you of how terribly dishonest you are. I hope that you are not in any kind of position of authority, because you have no integrity at all.

 

Joe, I guess I haven't known how to respond. I feel like I have ADHD. I feel like I don't even know who I am any more. Yes, the OM has been controlling and I've falling back with him so many times. I have tried ending this A over and over, and after the NC letter I sent I truly felt it was over. I was starting to feel at least somewhat stable and now that I saw him I feel like an out of control nutcase. I will NOT be with him again. We have used and hurt each other over and over. I have no idea why he would say I could live with him. I want to be with my family. I want the OM to move on and find a single woman.

My H is a decent man who would never suspect me to be with someone like the OM. Actual in my job I'm the Golden Girl. No one at work would suspect me to make choices like I've done, throwing away all the positive things in my life especially for such a dark horse, bad boy type.

I really fu**ed up and yeah I'm screwed pretty much no matter how it goes down.

Joe, why were you ever the OM? I don't even understand why he fell for me when my whole point in speaking with him was because I told him that I wanted to work on my M. Yeah big mistake. He told me then to not tell about the A.

[JustJoe]

Joe, I guess I haven't known how to respond. I feel like I have ADHD. I feel like I don't even know who I am any more. Yes, the OM has been controlling and I've falling back with him so many times. I have tried ending this A over and over, and after the NC letter I sent I truly felt it was over. I was starting to feel at least somewhat stable and now that I saw him I feel like an out of control nutcase. I will NOT be with him again. We have used and hurt each other over and over. I have no idea why he would say I could live with him. I want to be with my family. I want the OM to move on and find a single woman.

My H is a decent man who would never suspect me to be with someone like the OM. Actual in my job I'm the Golden Girl. No one at work would suspect me to make choices like I've done, throwing away all the positive things in my life especially for such a dark horse, bad boy type.

I really fu**ed up and yeah I'm screwed pretty much no matter how it goes down.

Joe, why were you ever the OM? I don't even understand why he fell for me when my whole point in speaking with him was because I told him that I wanted to work on my M. Yeah big mistake. He told me then to not tell about the A.

My affair was with a woman who married for money, she was a trophy wife married to a rich lawyer. I was an army officer and we met at a fund-raiser for veterans charities. We had a sexual relationship , until we fell in love, and she realized that she was better than just arm candy. We are married now and are expecting our first child in June. Belle, I am trying to be as honest as I can to you. I do NOT! hate you or wish you ill, but to talk sense to you. I seriously recommend that you look at the Marriage Builders website. Dr. Harley has helped thousands of people in your situation and can help you cut through the bull****, and get out of that fog you are in. My wife recommends it highly, and a cousin and a couple of neighbors have used his program, and say it is one of the best!! If you follow it, and get the counseling he provides, you can rebuild even the worst marriage, and can regain your lost honesty and self-respect, and provide emotional support for your husband and yourself. You are never alone, and they will guide you through it, with sympathy and uunderstanding. Be honest with Dr. Harley and he will show you how to be honest with your husband .

[Bellechica]

Joe, I am surprised to find out you married a WW. The OM told me he didn't want to destroy my marriage but then would say he loved me and that he couldn't take not having me 100%. He says don't confess but I know he actual hopes I will get D.

I really, really, really, really don't want a D. Yes, you all say my husband has a right to know but don't I have a right to keep the M intact? I feel like my family needs to stay intact. There are way more people affected by this than just my H and myself.

Look, I know we are all getting tired of rehashing and rehashing....I actually do appreciate it, and Alice, I don't know why you make me smile occasionally....maybe I do háve personality disorders. I have always been a normal, sociable, stable good person and now I feel like a bunch of different people from one moment to the next.....