SomedayDig Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 "...but don't I have a right to keep the M intact?" Really?!?!!!!! I hope to hell that no one on this forum or in any real life situation would go along with that line of crap which is nothing more than a twist on what your OM said with his "beautiful life" line. And your lines about you being a "golden girl" and him being a "bad boy". Wow. You really have this fantasy thing down, don't you. Think about it for a moment: What kind of girl do you think your H will think you are when he finds out. Trust me. He will find out. Time has a way of bringing karma around. In my case, I think I would be handling my situation a little better IF my W had come clean and I didn't have to be the one who discovered her A. Now, she's got a TON of work to do to gain my trust back. You're simply afraid. Afraid of what he is going to do and afraid you are going to lose. Period. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 I really, really, really, really don't want a D. Yes, you all say my husband has a right to know but don't I have a right to keep the M intact? I feel like my family needs to stay intact. There are way more people affected by this than just my H and myself. Again realize that I say this with no malice. Don't know you, and certainly don't hate you or wish you any ill will whatsoever. But no...you don't have a right to keep the M intact. You gave up that right when you had an affair, when you went outside of the marriage. Even if your marriage fails...your family doesn't fall apart. Your kids will still have a mother, still have a father...but they won't be living together (IF that's the outcome, which is NOT set in concrete by any means). See...again...you're not choosing to go this route based off of altruism. You're doing so to avoid the consequences of your decision to have an affair. That's not your choice to make. You forfeited the right to these choices when you violated your marriage. You still have input to these choices...but you do NOT have the RIGHT to UNILATERALLY make these choices on your own. A marriage is a partnership...but the relationship you're creating with your H by witholding this information is all based off of YOU making choices FOR HIM. That's not balanced, it's not fair, and it's NOT "in his best interests". It's only so that you can avoid facing him and telling him what you've done, and working through the repercussions of that. This is my last post to you on the subject. I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, deep down inside. And you know that, too. I can't make you face any of this if you refuse to do so. Good luck to you, my friend. I sincerely wish the best possible outcome for you, your H, and your family. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bellechica Posted April 13, 2012 Author Share Posted April 13, 2012 Owl, thank you...... Ok one last question: I'm ashamed to ask but I would like to know what I am up against if I'm facing D which again is not what I want but what I feel I'll get if/when I tell H. What are the legal repercussions for a WW who reveals an A. I think I will need to see a lawyer. I can't believe I created this hell. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Belle If you see a lawyer before dday then your H will only interpret that as you being ready to divorce. If you want to show him that you are committed to the marriage, this is the last thing you should do. Do not just assume that all this is bound to end in divorce - give your H a chance to make his mind up, you may be pleasantly surprised. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 He also said, "your H will leave you that is certain, but if you choose to tell you may come live with me." He's lying about that because if he really wanted you he would want you to tell your husband the truth so the two of you could be together. He wants to save his arse and eventually resume having sex with you again. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Owl, thank you...... Ok one last question: I'm ashamed to ask but I would like to know what I am up against if I'm facing D which again is not what I want but what I feel I'll get if/when I tell H. What are the legal repercussions for a WW who reveals an A. I think I will need to see a lawyer. I can't believe I created this hell. Oh, I see you are worried about what will happen to you if you get caught. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bellechica Posted April 13, 2012 Author Share Posted April 13, 2012 No I really want to know how messy this might get legally. The D I know of have been hell on the kids. In our circle of friends, the two D men went thru hell with their exW. The W initiated the Ds and there was no proof on As in either. If I confess to my H I want to know what I'm facing. Hell most certainly but what about child custody? What about alienation of affection law suits as we didn't have sex for a year.....granted that would be hard to prove since I didn't reject my H. Look, I don't even want to consider D but I am pretty darn sure it's what I will get so I want to have at least a clear picture of what could happen to my family? I feel like vomiting even thinking about this..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bellechica Posted April 13, 2012 Author Share Posted April 13, 2012 I mean I'm sure because of my choices I could be deemed an unfit mother and lose my children. I'm in IC....proof there that I have issues. I'm afraid he will be so angry he will destroy me. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 OK Belle just dig an even deeper hole for yourself then. Are these thoughts of divorce in anyway related to your recent conversation with the OM by the way? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bellechica Posted April 13, 2012 Author Share Posted April 13, 2012 Although I don't think the OM would ever tell my H about our A I guess there is a tiny part of me that knows it's a possibility. We tried ending the A numerous times and then would get back. When I sent the NC letter to end things once and forever it was because I could tell the OM was becoming bolder like calling me on my real cell phone and not my tracphone. He always said he didn't want to destroy my M....ha! Well I also know it took both of us so I'm not placing blame on him. I think all these thoughts about D, yes, partially stem from seeing him again, but also just realizing that I'm becoming a complete nutcase. I hold it together at work and home, but when I'm alone, I'm a mess. I don't look or feel well. I know Owl is right but I also need to face the reality that D is a very real consequence. My H and I are both from prominent families in my area. My parents will probably disown me. Oh it is just going to look like I've been slumming. If everyone finds out who the OM is they will think I need to be committed to a mental institution. Sorry for the drama.....just feeling sick about reality when I actual look back at it how all this happened. What the hell is wrong with me? Can I claim temporary insanity or something? Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 No I really want to know how messy this might get legally. The D I know of have been hell on the kids. In our circle of friends, the two D men went thru hell with their exW. The W initiated the Ds and there was no proof on As in either. If I confess to my H I want to know what I'm facing. Hell most certainly but what about child custody? Thats what you are worried about? Your husband possibly being the custodial parent. Don't worry, if a mother wants custody, she'll get it even if she is an unscrupulous cheat. Unfortunately infidelity has no bearing on custody. So you should be happy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bellechica Posted April 13, 2012 Author Share Posted April 13, 2012 Nofool, not sure why I'm even responding to you. What I want is for my M to remain intact and for my kids to stay in a two parent household. I want to stay with my H. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Nofool, not sure why I'm even responding to you. What I want is for my M to remain intact and for my kids to stay in a two parent household. I want to stay with my H. Well start backing this up with actions and not just words. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Nofool, not sure why I'm even responding to you. What I want is for my M to remain intact and for my kids to stay in a two parent household. I want to stay with my H. Nope. You want to stay married but you don't want your husband. You want a puppet where you control the strings. That's what you got now....right? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bellechica Posted April 13, 2012 Author Share Posted April 13, 2012 Who are the other WW on here besides Anne and NH's wife (is she on here?) did they feel like me, like their life was spinning out of control and that their on the brink of losing everything that they worked so many years for? Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Belle Look back at my posts when I joined LS. I had totally lost the plot, immediate aftermath of dday, well and truly in the fog. It took me months to start seeing things as they really were and it was only then that progress on reconciliation began. It was only then that I started being honest with myself about how cruel, selfish and deluded I was. You will also see that I got MORE than a lot of criticism. Maybe you will learn something from my journey which was very painful and all over the place. But I knew I had to stop the lies, it had all become too much for me. I was exhausted and wanted my life back with my H but I also knew that the decision on whether we stayed together was ultimately his. I had to prove myself to him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bellechica Posted April 13, 2012 Author Share Posted April 13, 2012 Anne, how do I find your posts when you first joined? Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Anne, how do I find your posts when you first joined? Click on my name, select user profile and then statistics. You should then see the option to see threads I started Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bellechica Posted April 14, 2012 Author Share Posted April 14, 2012 Thank you Anne Link to post Share on other sites
SoxPrincess Posted April 14, 2012 Share Posted April 14, 2012 Who are the other WW on here besides Anne and NH's wife (is she on here?) did they feel like me, like their life was spinning out of control and that their on the brink of losing everything that they worked so many years for? I too am a FWW & I felt the same way you do now. It was that "life spinning out of control", guilt that made me sick to my stomach, toxicity of lies eating away at me that pushed me to confess to my A. I knew it would be horrible, I was scared out of my ever living mind, but I HAD to tell the truth because it was truly ripping me apart. I didn't feel an immediate sense of relief when I confessed because of course I had hurt my H greatly, but for the first time in a long time, I could look myself in the mirror and say "Today...you told the truth. All of it." and then backed it up with actions. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted April 14, 2012 Share Posted April 14, 2012 Who are the other WW on here besides Anne and NH's wife (is she on here?) did they feel like me, like their life was spinning out of control and that their on the brink of losing everything that they worked so many years for? Belle, you are on the brink of an epiphany. Talk with Anne and the other waywards on SI and ONLY to them for now. THAT is your support group (otherwise, I only recommend talking to Owl or Spark). Kidd Link to post Share on other sites
SoxPrincess Posted April 14, 2012 Share Posted April 14, 2012 Belle, you are on the brink of an epiphany. Talk with Anne and the other waywards on SI and ONLY to them for now. THAT is your support group (otherwise, I only recommend talking to Owl or Spark). Kidd Amen! Belle if you'd like my username on SI, feel free to PM me here & I'll pass it along so you can look at my posts there too. Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted April 14, 2012 Share Posted April 14, 2012 Hey Belle---you want to find out about D., and custody, and property settlement---go to your computer---go to google, type in the name of your state, family codes---that will give you every law that exists in your state re: property, mge., child support, custody---comm.prop---reasons allowed for D---it will give you everything----once you read the codes, you will know exactly what any D, atty. knows. Also again---what have you done in re: keeping your lover away from you----next time he shows up, and he will cuz you keep allowing him to come back---you need to harshly get in his face and tell him to get out of your life----and you need to F'ing MEAN IT. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bellechica Posted April 14, 2012 Author Share Posted April 14, 2012 Sox, I can't pm it has yet not been thirty days. Jm express, Thanks for the info, I appreciate it but the thought that I'm even thinking that my family may end in D makes me puke. I know too little too late. Hindsight is twenty twenty. Yep, he will come back because I allowed the NC to end. I permitted a door to be reopened. Sick sick sick Link to post Share on other sites
y2k Posted April 14, 2012 Share Posted April 14, 2012 Nofool, not sure why I'm even responding to you. What I want is for my M to remain intact and for my kids to stay in a two parent household. I want to stay with my H. No. I think there is an economic interest here. Does your husband make more than the OM???? Can the OM theoretically have more or less the same standard of living (economically speaking) than you do now??? Using the kids as an excuse to stay in an unhappy marriage is wrong for EVERYONE. It's the 21st century folks. Parents divorce all the time, and kids still stay happy. Children don't need two parents at home.....what they need are happy parents. That doesn't mean both parents have to be with each other in a relationship under the same roof. You can divorce and still keep your kids. The courts always give the mother more rights to the children than the father in any divorce, even if the mother has someone else. I hope your husband learns everything and is smart enough to end the marriage. It's a sham. Link to post Share on other sites
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