New here. Married woman who had affair and just ended for good I hope

[Bellechica]

This isn't about economics! I made way more money than my H for years. I helped him go back to school and supported him in a career change. OM makes less money but IMO he isn't part of the picture. I want to be with my H because I love him. He is a great father. I want my family whole again.....

[bentnotbroken]

This isn't about economics! I made way more money than my H for years. I helped him go back to school and supported him in a career change. OM makes less money but IMO he isn't part of the picture. I want to be with my H because I love him. He is a great father. I want my family whole again.....

 

 

Whole families are comprised of whole people. When you get whole you can contribute wholly to a healthy family. Until then you are a hindrance to what you desire.

[findingnemo]

Belle,

 

Reading your last posts, I can see that you're considering the consequences of coming clean with your H. That's good. You need to be prepared for anything including giving your H access to all your communication...at least whatever you still have.

 

Research the net on the laws in your state. In most cases, adultery isn't taken into account in matters of child custody. Prepare for D but also for your H being willing to forgive you and work on the M.

 

Yes, it's a good idea to read other posters stories to get an idea of what happens.

[Radu]

 

Using the kids as an excuse to stay in an unhappy marriage is wrong for EVERYONE. It's the 21st century folks. Parents divorce all the time, and kids still stay happy. Children don't need two parents at home.....what they need are happy parents. That doesn't mean both parents have to be with each other in a relationship under the same roof.

 

You can divorce and still keep your kids. The courts always give the mother more rights to the children than the father in any divorce, even if the mother has someone else.

 

I hope your husband learns everything and is smart enough to end the marriage. It's a sham.

 

This is the kind of thinking that makes me want to say 'f.uck it' to getting married.

 

She backstabbed her husband, violated his trust, placed the blame on him, and she will still be rewarded in the end if she decides to D and **** the other guy ... which she will do.

He will get financially raped, he will get access to his kids less (if at all) and gets blamed for the dissolution of his marriage. He will also probably never know why as well.

 

OP, can you give me one good reason why someone should marry you ?

 

PS: How old are the kids ?

Edited April 14, 2012 by Radu

[jnj express]

Hey Belle---He can't come back into your life---IF YOU F"ING DO NOT ALLOW IT

 

Tell him to stay away from you---say it with conviction----go so far, in that if he attempts to go anywhere near you again---give him one line---you are now stalking, and harrassing me----I will report you to the authorities, and to your boss----HOPEFULLY he will get the picture----

 

If you are F'ing serious, and not lying to us---that is what you will do in re: your phony, scumbag lover----is he more important to you, or are your kids more important to you

 

Make a decision and stick to it

[Bellechica]

This is the kind of thinking that makes me want to say 'f.uck it' to getting married.

 

She backstabbed her husband, violated his trust, placed the blame on him, and she will still be rewarded in the end if she decides to D and **** the other guy ... which she will do.

He will get financially raped, he will get access to his kids less (if at all) and gets blamed for the dissolution of his marriage. He will also probably never know why as well.

 

I do not want a D. I am looking at this as a very real consequence if I confess. I believe my husband would leave me.

 

OP, can you give me one good reason why someone should marry you ?

 

The thought of M someone else hasn't crossed my mind.....

PS: How old are the kids ?

My kids are 13 and 11. Probably the worst age for parents to D. I am going to research this.....

[Bryanp]

You are clearly looking for any excuse possible not to be honest with your husband. Now to me that is sick sick sick.

[Bellechica]

Alice, I just want you to know that I truly don't believe my exAP would rat me out. He wants to be with me but he knows he would have no chance if he did that.

He did make the first move on me physically and was the first one to become flirty, but I let him so I can't really blame him. I used to but I don't anymore.

[Radu]

OP, can you give me one good reason why someone should marry you ?

OP wrote --> The thought of M someone else hasn't crossed my mind.....

 

It was a rethorical question, marriage is furthest from my mind and i doubt anyone in this thread (male or female) would want a wife like you.

 

-------

 

Not telling your husband = the very picture of selfishness and abusive control.

Why ?

Because it removes the option from your husband, and it exchanges short term happiness for potential long term unhappiness ... but hey ... as long he won't leave you all is fine, right ?

 

I want you to make an exercise right now.

Imagine your kids at 20-25yrs old. Maybe one or both married happily.

Just celebrated 30yrs together with your husband.

Then he finds out, how many yrs has it been a lie ... one ... 5 ... all ???

Imagine the look on your boy's face ... is he thinking that all women are like that ? He wanted a girl like his mother ... is she really like his mother ?

Imagine the look on your girl's face ... who wanted a marriage like her mother's.

 

You are trading short term happiness for long term potential unhappiness.

 

To tell you the truth, in your place i'm not sure if i would tell or not.

But the thing that would scare me would not be 'he will leave me' but 'how will it impact the kids longterm'.

I would be more scared about him never managing to forgive me, not wanting to be around me for the kids even if we were separated than my own personal happiness.

This is one of the bits about your attitude that has made this thread into 30 pages.

[anne1707]

Alice, I just want you to know that I truly don't believe my exAP would rat me out. He wants to be with me but he knows he would have no chance if he did that.

He did make the first move on me physically and was the first one to become flirty, but I let him so I can't really blame him. I used to but I don't anymore.

 

Belle

 

If you want to make your marriage work, what the exOM wants/feels should be irrelevant yet you are still posting about him, still thinking about him. You are still romanticising him.

[Bittersweetie]

Who are the other WW on here besides Anne and NH's wife (is she on here?) did they feel like me, like their life was spinning out of control and that their on the brink of losing everything that they worked so many years for?

 

I was a WW. My A ended and my H didn't know because we were living in different cities at the time. Yes, I felt so messed up, wondering if H would ever find out, if I should tell him, how if he did find out would he even still want to be with me. I can clearly remember one moment when we were laughing and having a good time and I looked at my H and thought, I need to tell him. He should know. But I was too scared of the consequences so I didn't. He did find out, and yes, that was most definitely the rock bottom of my life. But I was fortunate in that my H gave me a second chance, and I worked hard on myself and us, and we both worked hard on us.

 

If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

[Wanderer25]

Well, I *began a six month long distance emotional affair that turned into a sexual affair the last month when we agreed to meet again.*

After meeting with the man for two wonderful days,

Long time lurker, this is my first post. You frustrated me enough to create this account. You are a piece of work, you know that ? 2 wonderful days? Really? You have no shame. You still delight yourself with the details and memories of your affair. You still speak highly of the OM2 and his loyalty to you. You don't deserve your kids or marriage. You will lose your husband, marriage and your kids and you will have no one to blame for it except you.

 

 

My kids are 13 and 11. Probably the worst age for parents to D. I am going to research this.....

No it is the worst age for their mother to have 2 affairs

 

What I want is for my M to remain intact and for my kids to stay in a two parent household. I want to stay with my H.

This is the same lack of disregard for your husband feelings that made you have 2 affairs. What if the kids would rather live with a single parent than living together with a ho-bag of a mother that has the maturity level of a 12 year old?

 

You had two affairs. Two. And they were long term affairs where you continued to lie to both your children and husband everyday during this period of time. You looked them in the eyes and lied to them to their faces everyday and now you act like you are concerned about their well being and not breaking up the family. What a hypocrite. At least it would have been understandable if it was a drunk ONS. You weren't/aren't a good mother. No one will miss you if you separate. Actually it will do them good to get rid of such a negative influence with whacked out morals from their lives.

Edited April 15, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Unnecessary and personal

[Artie Lang]

2 affairs later, and you still don't know how to implement NC.

[ISurvived]

Alice, I just want you to know that I truly don't believe my exAP would rat me out. He wants to be with me but he knows he would have no chance if he did that.

He did make the first move on me physically and was the first one to become flirty, but I let him so I can't really blame him. I used to but I don't anymore.

 

Belle,

You are getting the same advice on SI as you are here. Do you really think all of us are wrong? Of course not, you just don't want to do what you know is the right thing.

 

You put the OM ahead of your BH and children. How sad. I truly feel you want to be with the OM. If that's the case, leave and go be with him. If not, then do what's right and decent and tell your BH and start MC and work towards R.

 

I always said I would leave my FWW if she ever cheated. My exW had cheated on me. Turns out, I was wrong. Our marriage is healthy and strong now. Honesty is the key. Complete honesty.

[SoulStorm]

Belle..you said this

 

I will maintain NC.

 

You haven't.

You have broken NC and you stay mentally in the affair everyday.

I will never believe you truly love your family,

but I will believe that you love what you want for yourself more than you do for your own family.

This is my opinion and you prove me right everyday.

You are clouded with the illusion that you are a "good person"

 

It's just a front because if people really could see inside of you, their opinions would change in a split second.

 

You have pages and pages here and on other infidelity threads of people giving you sound advice, but you still believe you can get this done "your way"

 

You believe that you are different and unique and your way will work.

Reminds me of the Titanic,,unsinkable they said.

Where is it now?

 

I watch you day by day as you slip deeper and deeper into the mess YOU created.

How can you go home and look your H and kids in the face like nothing has happened?

Answer this question and you will see where your loyalties lie;

 

Who are you keeping the secret with?

I bet the OM2 knows intimate things about you only your husband should know.

I bet you know intimate things about OM2 that your husband doesn't know.

 

You say you love your husband and your family..but you have more loyalty to OM than you do with them.

You may never leave physically with the OM, but mentally..you are right there with him.

[Bellechica]

Bittersweet, how did he find out?

[Bellechica]

I'm afraid that I confess my kids will think I hate them.

[Bellechica]

You know if I confess I've got no where to go?

[2sunny]

You know if I confess I've got no where to go?

 

 

It's all about YOU! That's the whole problem - and that's why nothing has changed.

 

Keep lying to yourself and to hubby - it will catch up to you eventually.

[jnj express]

As long as your lover can get at you at work---there can be no NC, as he will wander in any time he chooses, and you have done nothing to stop it

 

You are still in a EA, even if its just occasional contact, along with you still thinking of your lover

 

Whether you "out" yourself or not---if you are at least serious about protecting your kids, you need to leave your job

 

Your H, is gonna wonder why, so you have to deal with that problem, which if you "out" yourself, becomes part of the whole package

 

You keep telling us, you try to leave, and fall back in, with your scum lover, you are setting yourself up for another physical encounter, with your lover, and if you don't do something to stop this merry-go-round you are on----your H., WILL find out, and things will be a THOUSAND times worse for you, on your D-Day.

 

Believe me, even right now as we write, your H., knows something is not right, and your kids know also that their so called wonderful mother is not what she normally is

 

Your guilt right now is like a cancer, the OM, keeps sniping at you-----you are not gonna take this to the grave with you

 

You say you have no place to go---you can live in your own home---your H., can't kick you out----you just need to face your problem, and deal with the fall-out----your H., will make his decision, and you will live with it---but at least this merry-go-round you are on will stop,

[whichwayisup]

You know if I confess I've got no where to go?

 

It's a real shame you didn't think of all this stuff before you chose to cheat.

 

You work, yes? Then stay in a cheap motel. Or ask a trusted friend if you can crash at their house for a few days. Or a family member.

 

You need to own up to this..Soon. Your husband MUST know something is "off" and quite can't put his finger on it. He won't be 'shocked' finding out the truth. Disappointed in you, devastated and loss of trust - A given. But until you tell him, you don't know what will happen. Look at NinjaH. He didn't kick his wife out..How do you know yours will kick you out or not?

 

You can't keep this lie going, it's killing you inside. There's no way you can last a lifetime, have a healthy and happy marriage if you keep this to yourself. It has to come out. Seek marriage counselling NOW, on your own, get strong, ask the T to help you prepare to tell your H the truth.. Then bring him with you and confess in a safe environment.

[anne1707]

You know if I confess I've got no where to go?

 

You have to stop putting yourself and your needs first. You have to stop prioritsing yourself and what makes your life feel better or more comfortable and start thinking of the others around you who you say you love.

 

To be blunt Belle, you created this sh*t, you have to now take whatever sh*t gets dumped on you.

 

You really are no closer at all to telling your H, are you?

[Radu]

She just wants someone to clean up this **** for her.

[ISurvived]

Belle,

You were over in NH's thread giving him advice that YOU don't practice yourself. Could you please explain to me how you square that with yourself?

 

I am really interested in your answer.

[Bellechica]

Soul storm, I feel like the Titanic. I think you nailed that analogy.

 

Anne, I am closer to telling. I thought I'd never confess but I'm considering it. I don't think I can right at this moment though. My daughter was in IC for a year for anxiety. This was a few years ago. She's much better but in August she will be going to HS where she will know no one. She's already anxious about this transition. I want to make sure she is settled. I don't think she could withstand a D and that huge life transition to HS simultaneously.

 

You all can say that I'm just making excuses but my daughter is a true concern. I personally can't even believe myself that I'm actually considering confessing but I am.....I don't want to think about that.

 

I survived,

I do not want to be with OM. He is a tragic individual....loyal, yes, but even more screwed up than me. I posted in Ninja's Husband's post with advice because I think he is truly a kind, gentle soul. I think his wife needs to appreciate him. I can only hold out hope that my own H would be so forgiving. I'm not like his wife. You all think I'm a selfish b**ch but if my H would even consider forgiving me, I would do whatever he asked. Hypothetical given my non confession, I realize this but I do feel guilt and remorse. It gets worse each day....I may need to stop posting here..... It makes me cry too much