New here. Married woman who had affair and just ended for good I hope

[anne1707]

Okaaayy

 

So it won't be before August because of your daughter. Then you will need to wait for to settle in to the new school. Then it will be Christmas. Then it will be something else...

 

Do you not see what you are doing here? No closer at all.

[Bittersweetie]

Bittersweet, how did he find out?

 

After my yearly female appointment I found out I had HPV. I told my H, and when he asked, "How would've you gotten that?" it dawned. He packed a bag and stayed with a friend that night, and the next day I left and stayed with my parents for ten days. We didn't speak for that whole time except an email from him saying to try not to use any more cell phone minutes. And this was over Christmas.

 

I could've stayed longer but it was New Years Eve and I wanted to start the new year not as the person I was, and not do anymore hiding. Walking through the door of our apartment that day was so hard but I'd spent my time at my parents doing a lot of reading and thinking and I knew that if he was willing to give me a chance, I needed to own my crap and do a ton of work. Working on reconciling was difficult and I was not perfect. I trickle-truthed which set us back. It wasn't until the whole, complete truth was out there that we and me started moving in a positive direction. I guess that's why I am so hard on the side of honesty...because IME our reconciliation didn't really begin until the truth was all out.

[SoulStorm]

I'm afraid that I confess my kids will think I hate them.

 

They may be disappointed and upset with you for a bit, but that can be overcame.

How will you chastise them for telling a lie if you are living one?

They will hate you if your H finds out on his own and decides to divorce you for continued deceit. His anger at you for deceit could also sway how your kids feel about you. They will always love you for being their mom, but they will despise what you have done to their father.

See, you have a chance at redeeming yourself if you come clean. The chances get smaller if you are discovered

Edited April 15, 2012 by SoulStorm

[ISurvived]

Soul storm, I feel like the Titanic. I think you nailed that analogy.

 

Anne, I am closer to telling. I thought I'd never confess but I'm considering it. I don't think I can right at this moment though. My daughter was in IC for a year for anxiety. This was a few years ago. She's much better but in August she will be going to HS where she will know no one. She's already anxious about this transition. I want to make sure she is settled. I don't think she could withstand a D and that huge life transition to HS simultaneously.

 

You all can say that I'm just making excuses but my daughter is a true concern. I personally can't even believe myself that I'm actually considering confessing but I am.....I don't want to think about that.

 

I survived,

I do not want to be with OM. He is a tragic individual....loyal, yes, but even more screwed up than me. I posted in Ninja's Husband's post with advice because I think he is truly a kind, gentle soul. I think his wife needs to appreciate him. I can only hold out hope that my own H would be so forgiving. I'm not like his wife. You all think I'm a selfish b**ch but if my H would even consider forgiving me, I would do whatever he asked. Hypothetical given my non confession, I realize this but I do feel guilt and remorse. It gets worse each day....I may need to stop posting here..... It makes me cry too much

 

You should feel like s**t. I don't know if you are a b**ch or not. You are selfish.

 

I have a son that starts high school this August too. So? Any normal, well adjusted child can handle these things fine. My oldest was starting high school when my W A came out. He did just fine.

 

I forgave my W after two, count them, two D Days. Why? Because she gave me the entire truth (confirmed) and went to MC and did the heavy lifting required to R.

 

I was speaking with W yesterday about your thread. She said while confessing was difficult, the relief that all the truth is out and no more hiding and lying is very life changing and basically freedom.

 

The OM isn't loyal. He's a POS that enjoys having sex with you. If you left you BH for him, you would be together for a year at most and he would move on to his next conquest. My W OM was the same way. They all are. Think about it. What kind of man would have sex with a married woman?

 

Free yourself and your marriage and tell your BH.

[2sunny]

Your truth doesn't depend on what someone else is or isn't doing.

 

You will continue to find any excuse to not be honest.

 

Your D is focused on herself (teens are). She may not even notice what happens with you.

[The Blue Knight]

Belle, you seem like a decent person who got caught up in the whirlwind of sudden romance (twice). It happens to a lot of married individuals. It shouldn't, but it does. Something was missing in your marriage and that's a key component of what leads to these behaviors. That's not in any way an excuse for the behavior. It's just a simple fact of why affairs are engaged in by normally monogamous individuals.

 

Consider approaching your husband soon with the truth. Obviously it has to be on your time-table, but as others have posted . . . it's possible to find multiple excuses to "hold off" and that will always be the case, because there's always potential difficulties and conflicts on the horizons of our lives.

 

This is a "do unto others" moment. Ask yourself if the tables were turned, do you as the wife not deserve to hear from your husband the full and complete truth?

 

Some of the last couple of postings here gave you solid advice minus the nasty overtones. Give some consideration to what they are saying.

[The Blue Knight]

Stop jumping right to divorce Belle. If you do things the RIGHT way, you can avoid that. If that's what you really want.

 

You have the opportunity to have a "controlled" sort of Dday, which can make all the difference. Trust me when I tell you this - if your husband ever finds out on his own or someone tips him off, THAT is when the **** typically hits the fan in ways you cannot even imagine.

 

One of the major reasons why I refuse to go to MC is because I had to find out on my own. It doesn't matter how many times my husband begs, pleads and cries (literally at my feet), his weekly IC appointments or that he bends over backwards to show me with actions he's a better man now - the fact that I had to find out on my own is HUGE to me and it's making healing go VERY slow and divorce is still VERY MUCH on the table for me.

 

Even if you stopped having affairs and it's ten years down the road when he finds out, he WILL NOT believe you've been faithful since you stopped. He won't believe a word you say.

 

Good points Alice. What she's saying is that had her husband confessed on his own, it still would have stung terribly, but at least then it comes across as a form of sincerity and asking for forgiveness as opposed to reactionary desperation because they "got caught." Someone begging for forgiveness because they "got caught" effectively means little to the victim. That's like robbing a bank, and then because you got caught a few days later, you ask to be forgiven if you give the money back.

[Bellechica]

Alice, I shouldn't take your bait and even discuss OM as I know I shouldn't even be thinking about him, but I mean loyal in that he won't tell my H. He always said he did not want to be the cause of my M ending and that if I want a D I should do it for me, not for him.

I never told him I would D my H....I really don't want to leave my M. It's not perfect, but it is better than it used to be and it's not violent or dramatic.

I admit that I must still be in an AE with OM even though we aren't in contact. I just want every thought of him....and at times they are hateful thoughts.... I want every thought of him to go away.

[whichwayisup]

I admit that I must still be in an AE with OM even though we aren't in contact. I just want every thought of him....and at times they are hateful thoughts.... I want every thought of him to go away.

 

What are you doing to rid of all thoughts of exOM? Please, start calling him EXOM, not OM. OM keeps him alive in your heart and head.

 

You need to do NC in your head too and keep busy. Push thoughts away..

[Bellechica]

Alice, I most certainly did not cry or play the victim with exOM. I never brought up D with him. He knows from the beginning that I want to be with my H. The A has been off and on the past year with me ending it each time. I feel like its really over now. We are both sick of the drama and roller coaster. I do not want to be with him. I told him about this support group. I did not mention the name. I also told him he should do some soul searching to figure out what led him to be a cheater. His own wife had cheated on him and he divorced her.

I am trying to erase him from my mind....I'm trying to stay busy. I want to be strong.

Oh.....I did not have an A while my daughter was in IC. She was in IC three years ago.

[whichwayisup]

Probably more chance of divorcing if she doesn't come clean. As awful and devastating as her husband will feel once he finds out the truth, her confessing is much better than him finding out on his own.

 

Anyway, instead of beating up on her, (she's doing a good job of it on her own) let's continue to suggest ways to help her. Sure it's frustrating at times to read that she is stuck in this holding pattern, but I do believe eventually she's going to realize that the only option IS to tell her husband the truth.

[whichwayisup]

Alice, I most certainly did not cry or play the victim with exOM. I never brought up D with him. He knows from the beginning that I want to be with my H. The A has been off and on the past year with me ending it each time. I feel like its really over now. We are both sick of the drama and roller coaster. I do not want to be with him. I told him about this support group. I did not mention the name. I also told him he should do some soul searching to figure out what led him to be a cheater. His own wife had cheated on him and he divorced her.I am trying to erase him from my mind....I'm trying to stay busy. I want to be strong.

Oh.....I did not have an A while my daughter was in IC. She was in IC three years ago.

 

who cares now what he does or doesn't do. His marriage and how he handles it is not your concern. Focus on you, your marriage and coming clean to your husband. YOU start marriage counselling on your own so you can gain the strength to come clean to your husband.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Just wanna restate that if you tell, I actually doubt your H will D. He will think of the kids, he will see your honesty and remorse, he will see even though you betrayed him you eventually did tell the truth. All of that in that moment where you make yourself vulnerable to him makes it very hard to lash out. If on the other hand you came to him in an angry way and said "Yeah I had an A because you did X, X, and X!" he just might leave in that case. If he finds out on his own, and there's not much left to tell, or you trickle truth him after that...chances go way down. He needs to see that you can tell the truth. That is the MOST important thing to rebuilding trust, truth. Without it, without proof that you can be honest about the hard stuff... much hope is lost. I have very little trust in my W because she was never honest about the hard stuff, she blew every chance at every opportunity. I truly believe I know all the important parts of the A, how it started, where, why, etc, and not thanks to her. Now I'm a paranoid spying jailor and I hate that. On the night when she told me she was pregnant (for OM's sake really:mad:) she was so remorseful, and I thought truthful...so I was not angry, I was gentle and loving. I was even willing to work through the dilemma of her having another man's child. I have no idea how that would have worked...it probably wouldn't have when I found out she was lying. The lies are the worst part...that and continued contact . You have to fix both of those things.

 

And in contrast when I found out about the lies...yeah screaming yelling, cursing, threats, etc is what I did.

Edited April 15, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband

[Wanderer25]

I think by confessing, the reconciliation can happen in a controlled environment. There was thread on different site where the WS's daughter found out about the affair during blowups that happened during affair discovery. The WS later found out in the girls journal(she did not know that the daughter knew) that she never wanted to be a cheater like her mother.

 

 

And Bella, you will get tired of the bashing or the posters will get tired of repeating the same advice. Then you will not have any support network for your affair to vent about. The only person you can confide in will be the OM. The affair resumes and continues until it blows up in your face.

 

That said, how often did you meet the OM during the affair? How many encounters did you guys have?

Edited April 15, 2012 by Wanderer25

[Steen719]

Just wanna restate that if you tell, I actually doubt your H will D. He will think of the kids, he will see your honesty and remorse, he will see even though you betrayed him you eventually did tell the truth. All of that in that moment where you make yourself vulnerable to him makes it very hard to lash out. If on the other hand you came to him in an angry way and said "Yeah I had an A because you did X, X, and X!" he just might leave in that case. If he finds out on his own, and there's not much left to tell, or you trickle truth him after that...chances go way down. He needs to see that you can tell the truth. That is the MOST important thing to rebuilding trust, truth. Without it, without proof that you can be honest about the hard stuff... much hope is lost. I have very little trust in my W because she was never honest about the hard stuff, she blew every chance at every opportunity. I truly believe I know all the important parts of the A, how it started, where, why, etc, and not thanks to her. Now I'm a paranoid spying jailor and I hate that. On the night when she told me she was pregnant (for OM's sake really:mad:) she was so remorseful, and I thought truthful...so I was not angry, I was gentle and loving. I was even willing to work through the dilemma of her having another man's child. I have no idea how that would have worked...it probably wouldn't have when I found out she was lying. The lies are the worst part...that and continued contact . You have to fix both of those things.

 

And in contrast when I found out about the lies...yeah screaming yelling, cursing, threats, etc is what I did.

 

Little side t/j here....I have a friend whose H cheated on her (she had 2 boys about 10 & 12 or so) and got the OW pregnant...she was much younger than he and my friend. My friend offered to raise the child w her H and he chose the OW, so they divorced. This was many years ago and my friend said to me just the other day...what the **** was I thinking? She is so grateful NOW he left when he did and they divorced. Interestingly, she is close to the girl (love child) as she is 1/2 sister to her two boys and when the girl was a teen and not getting along with her crazy mother (OW), she came to live with my friend and her H. My friend's heart knows no boundary when it comes to love, which has hurt her and also made her a wonderful friend (?). Anyway, NH..don't let anyone tell you that you didn't try with her. It is more than most would do. Some thought my friend was crazy (not saying she wasn't...lol), but I thought he was the biggest fool I knew not to stay with a woman like her.

 

Belle, the choice is yours and you hold your future in your own hands. Would you want your H to be honest if the situation was reversed? Or would you prefer to find out years later and know that he had lied to you for years? To me, lies are like a crumbling foundation of a house that won't hold it up when the tornado comes through. I felt (and sadly) sometimes still do, felt unworthy of the truth. No matter what suffering you think you are going through is nothing to compare to the pain someone feels when the one person in this whole freaking world who should have your back, stabs you in it with their deceit and lies. At least, that is what I felt.

[William]

Temporarily closed for moderator review.....

 

 

Re-opened for on-topic discussion within community guidelines.

 

As a moderator note, since the question was broached, currently PM privileges attach at 30 days membership and 100 posts.

Edited April 15, 2012 by William
Re-open thread

[Bittersweetie]

Belle, I've been thinking about you. I understand how downright frightening it is to come clean. I know; I've been there.

 

What are you afraid of? The unknown? Being alone? Those were probably my top two things.

 

The unknown: Now everything is unknown, because your marriage, and yourself, is in a limbo. There is the unknown if H will find out...will you slip and say something? Will someone else? Is there some piece of evidence out there that you failed to delete and he will someday find? Will you keep the stories straight? Then there is the unknown of telling your H...what will happen? Will he yell? Cry? Call you a w*ore? Not speak to you for days? All of these things could happen, and did happen to me.

 

However...with the second unknown, telling...you will get an answer. Maybe he will kick you to the curb. Maybe he will want to work on things. Maybe it will be something in the middle. But YOU WILL KNOW. Once my story was out, I did almost feel a relief...everything was out there, and I could move forward from that point.

 

Being alone: I will fully admit that the main reason I didn't tell is because I was terrified of being alone, of not being with my H. We'd been together since I was in college. And even despite the terrible choice I made, I couldn't imagine my life without him. I knew full well there was a good chance my H was going to D me. He can sometimes be a very unforgiving person; and what I did would hurt him like nothing else ever. He would have every right to leave me and I knew it was a distinct possibility.

 

After d-day I examined this fear of being alone and realized, if I was on my own, I would be very sad. I would be very upset with myself, and I would deal with the consequences of my actions. But...I WOULD SURVIVE. I would make it. My life would not be the same, and maybe not be what I wished or hoped for, but I would move forward and survive.

 

Does this make any sense? I know that the thought of telling can make you feel sick, and wish like hell it never happened, but girl, that ship has sailed. We did what we did, we can't go back and change things, but we can move forward. From my experience, the continued hiding is like spinning wheels in sand. I get the feeling you want to move forward; think about taking a step, an action, in that direction.

 

B

[SandieBeach]

I would just stress what everyone has already told you, because in my experience, as a BS, it is the most important thing. Your husband's decisions about your marriage will be impacted by how he finds out about the affairs. It would be so much easier to forgive my H if he confessed to the A on his own...he gave me lots of details, and I certainly appreciate knowing the truth, but in reality, if I hadn't found out, this would still be going on, and he and I would not be able to work on my marriage.

[Bryanp]

What is the point of this thread anymore? How many times and in how many ways can you say things over and over again?

[y2k]

What is the point of this thread anymore? How many times and in how many ways can you say things over and over again?

 

True. She can solve her own problems but she won't do it.

 

She can divorce and tell her husband the truth, and her kids will not be affected if they do it maturely. Her husband deserves better.

 

What will life be like when Bellechica is old, still not in love with her husband, and miserable because she stayed and lied (even if she got away with it)??? And don't tell me she's in love with her husband because it's clear here she is not.

 

Bottom line, she needs to tell her husband the truth and divorce him. With the kids, do it maturely, joint custody. Kids do FINE when the parents are mature about it, and if both parents communicate to the kids.

[BetrayedH]

I would just stress what everyone has already told you, because in my experience, as a BS, it is the most important thing. Your husband's decisions about your marriage will be impacted by how he finds out about the affairs. It would be so much easier to forgive my H if he confessed to the A on his own...he gave me lots of details, and I certainly appreciate knowing the truth, but in reality, if I hadn't found out, this would still be going on, and he and I would not be able to work on my marriage.

 

Belle, you have a lot of examples here of betrayed spouses that at minimum, stayed initially and several that reconciled successfully. To speak for myself, I never thought I would stay with an unfaithful wife. As a matter of fact, when I discovered my Ws affair, I contacted an attorney pretty quickly to learn my options. My atty was pretty astute and talked a lot about if/when I make a decision to reconcile. You wouldn't even think he would discuss such a thing when he's trying to get a retainer. We talked legal options but he made it clear that I could contact him when I decided. Good point. I sat on it for a few days and realized I had a choice to make. I chose to hire a PI and get indeniable proof that would stand up in court (by the way, it turns out they don't care). When I chose to confront my wife with undeniable proof, i was certainly angry but when she broke down, cried and apologized, I found myself holding and consoling her. I realized what this experience had done to her. As I had always, I loved her. I put down conditions to avoid an immediate divorce. I compromised on her job, giving her time to leave. I spent 9 months of crazy ridiculous misery trying to reconcile. If you ask anyone if they would stay with an unfaithful partner, I bet it's damn near 100% no. The fact, as has been tated here before, is that NOBODY knows until they are faced with it. One stat says the nearly 70% stay at least initially. So much for the 100% in the other direction. Obviously some 30% do call it quits; good for them quite frankly. R sucks. I discovered my wife's affair and I stayed even though I had already decided to split.

But that's my second point. The seriously tough part is what comes next. NC, full transparency with your time, whereabouts, communication devices, complete and utter honesty about WHATEVER he asks (a hundred times), complete non-defensiveness on your part along with a true willingness to suffer rejection, anger like you've never seen, terrible guilt, a true desire to reconnect with him, watching him completely crumble as the reality sets it. But the A#1 thing he will need is to somehow develop trust in your again. To do it will take years of difficult work and 100% full and complete honesty about every last freaking detail he wants to hear and has been denied all this time.

I think your chances of him staying are good if you disclose. They are cut in half if you are caught. But the REALLY tough part is the honesty required after disclosure. And right now you can't even take the first step. You're going to have to find crazy courage, patience, and persistence after disclosure in order to make R work. Ask the waywards at SI about how many of them trickled the truth. Coming truly clean is REALLY hard. I think you better start deciding not only about coming clean but what R looks like for your over the long haul. Disclosure is the first step (and a big one) but it begins a need for you to so completely change that you better be prepared for how much honesty you will have to present to him in order to give your R a true shot.

Long story short, he is very likely to initially stay but you will have to own the recovery process and be honest like you never thought possible. I think you better start analyzing what R will take. THAT is the real challenge that I believe you will truly face. My W couldn't do it. I didn't leave her because of the affair or even that she failed to disclose it. Our R failed because she kept lying, and like they all do, thought it was best for me. You must decide that he deserves to hear the full truth and do years of work to somehow try to reearn his trust. If you can do that (and there are a lot of people here and at SI that can show you the way), you have a decent shot. If you can't, let the poor guy go. These are simply the natural consequences of your actions. Make the best of it now or they just naturally get worse later. As always, I wish you luck. I have faith that you will do the right thing. Beyond that, I can only hope that you keep doing it because that is the real challenge ahead

[findingnemo]

Belle, how are you doing?

 

I can see you're beginning to accept that there will be consequences for the As. The past will not just go away. Your fear of how he will react is still controlling you. You seem like the kind of person who always needs to know what will happen as a result of an action. You need to have some degree of control before you do things. Take the example of your D going to HS. You want to wait till then.

 

Unfortunately as time passes by, Your H will only see it as you keeping the secret longer than necessary. The thing about confessing is that you end up initiating the interrogation. Your H will be so shocked at what you tell him that he will need a few days to digest it. The mere fact that you confessed will have him moving on to wanting details. Who, when, how and where. It is those type questions that when answered sincerely will make it possible for him to forgive you. He will always remember that you confessed and will think that you must care about him to some extent to have the courage to do this.

 

If he finds out on his own, it'll be an entirely different ballgame. First he will snoop. This takes time and energy and allows him to come up with his own answers to why, when, where and how. By the time he interrogates you, there'll be little you can do to convince him you love him. He will catch you in lie after lie. This is a fact because you will try to minimize the As not knowing what he knows.

 

Don't underestimate your H's intelligence. Don't assume that you are so clever that he has absolutely no idea something is up. He may very well know more than you think at this point. By confessing, you salvage a little respect from him...you give him a reason to trust you. It is this trust, however little, that will become the foundation stone for rebuilding your M.

[Bellechica]

I really don't think he suspects anything. I have been pretty normal when he is around. I used a separate phone, never went out with exOM in public, in fact the PA was not frequent. I had a separate text number. All messages deleted.

I ended the A and I just want to move past it. I want the exOM out of all my thoughts.

My M is rocky and that's part of the reason I am fearful of disclosure. I am not afraid of being alone if there is a D. I can take care of myself. My biggest fear is having my children lose the life they know. For the most part, my H and I seem happy. My H is happy. I am the one who has not been satisfied in the M.

I got into a huge argument with my H last night. There was even shouting. We don't usually talk to each other in such a manner. I am the one who initiated the argument. I told him I had lots of resentment that has fester over the years because he has never stood up for me to his family. We just go through life like everything is "perfect". His own father is emotionally abusive to his mother, and I told him I can't live that way. He was belittling me and acting like his father.

He told me he wasn't going to be like my father and put me on a pedestal and treat me like a princess the way my dad treats my mother. I reminded him that when we first got married that I was the one who took care of the bills. I am capable....I can take care of myself.

We had ben arguing a bit, and we had both had too much to drink which is why we probably felt open enough to talk, then our son came down crying. He said, "please don't get a divorce.". That shut us both up. We both assured him everything was fine. I think my H just thinks I nitpick over things. I don't understand how he is happy in this M. I don't think I am but I am trying. I think I would stay in it for my kids.

I used to stay up very late after my H had gone to bed. I was chatting with exOM. I asked my H if he every wondered why I was up so late? He said he assumed I was drinking. It didn't seem to bother him at the time, but he said he is glad we go to bed at the same time now.

We finally said "sorry" to each other and went to bed. I thought there might be sex but nope....I feel rejected again.

Not sure why I'm saying all this except to say I still didn't confess. I was able to feel out my H to see if he suspected something which he does not. I guess I'm just saying that I have a bit of a dysfunctional M but I guess arguing is a start. This morning we both acted like everything is okay. My H and I are going out today since neither of us are working. Maybe we will talk.

[SandieBeach]

Don't underestimate your H's intelligence. Don't assume that you are so clever that he has absolutely no idea something is up. He may very well know more than you think at this point. By confessing, you salvage a little respect from him...you give him a reason to trust you. It is this trust, however little, that will become the foundation stone for rebuilding your M.

 

YES! Do not underestimate how driven he will become to find the truth...I have become frighteningly capable of discovering details with tiny piece of information to the point of scaring my H sh*tless. One thing I do understand a little better now is how embarrassing it was for him to admit to certain things, but at the time I needed info, I couldn't care less about that. I wanted the truth and by God, I was going to get it.

[anne1707]

You pick an argument with your H and somehow you feel you are being rejected when he does not want to have sex??????? Do you not get how selfish that sounds? Can you only ever think of yourself?

 

Really Belle, it seems like you are almost determined to destroy the marriage and in the process put all the blame on your H. Do you not see that everything is falling apart because of your lack of honesty? Your H is probably thinking WTF is going on with you and what on earth has he done that is so bad to you for you to be this upset with him. If only he knew the real truth that it is you who is killing the marriage, not him.