New here. Married woman who had affair and just ended for good I hope

[SandieBeach]

I really don't think he suspects anything. I have been pretty normal when he is around. I used a separate phone, never went out with exOM in public, in fact the PA was not frequent. I had a separate text number. All messages deleted.

I ended the A and I just want to move past it. I want the exOM out of all my thoughts.

My M is rocky and that's part of the reason I am fearful of disclosure. I am not afraid of being alone if there is a D. I can take care of myself. My biggest fear is having my children lose the life they know. For the most part, my H and I seem happy. My H is happy. I am the one who has not been satisfied in the M.

I got into a huge argument with my H last night. There was even shouting. We don't usually talk to each other in such a manner. I am the one who initiated the argument. I told him I had lots of resentment that has fester over the years because he has never stood up for me to his family. We just go through life like everything is "perfect". His own father is emotionally abusive to his mother, and I told him I can't live that way. He was belittling me and acting like his father.

He told me he wasn't going to be like my father and put me on a pedestal and treat me like a princess the way my dad treats my mother. I reminded him that when we first got married that I was the one who took care of the bills. I am capable....I can take care of myself.

We had ben arguing a bit, and we had both had too much to drink which is why we probably felt open enough to talk, then our son came down crying. He said, "please don't get a divorce.". That shut us both up. We both assured him everything was fine. I think my H just thinks I nitpick over things. I don't understand how he is happy in this M. I don't think I am but I am trying. I think I would stay in it for my kids.

I used to stay up very late after my H had gone to bed. I was chatting with exOM. I asked my H if he every wondered why I was up so late? He said he assumed I was drinking. It didn't seem to bother him at the time, but he said he is glad we go to bed at the same time now.

We finally said "sorry" to each other and went to bed. I thought there might be sex but nope....I feel rejected again.

Not sure why I'm saying all this except to say I still didn't confess. I was able to feel out my H to see if he suspected something which he does not. I guess I'm just saying that I have a bit of a dysfunctional M but I guess arguing is a start. This morning we both acted like everything is okay. My H and I are going out today since neither of us are working. Maybe we will talk.

 

Don't assume your H is happy in your marriage, Belle. That was the same mistake my H made about me. He thought I could go w/o sex, that I didn't need it, and that he could take care of that need elsewhere. I think he even suspected that I was a lesbian!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, as he was justifying to himself why I wasn't all over him, I was going through my own stuff: he had issues that we couldn't talk about, and because of that, I stopped feeling intimate towards him. During that ENTIRE time, I wanted sex too so badly that I considered having an affair. Didn't do it, but would have if the situation presented itself...We had frequent fights but rarely about real issues - it was always about something stupid, but deep down we were both unhappy with each other.

 

When the A came out in the open, I felt like I had nothing to lose and I told him how I felt over the last several years: about not being able to be intimate with him, wanting sex, almost cheating on him, etc....He was so surprised, but I think glad that we finally identified our issues so that we could finally work on them. One of the things he said frequently was that he feels like he is finally getting to know me, and I can absolutely relate to that.

[BetrayedH]

I really don't think he suspects anything. I have been pretty normal when he is around. I used a separate phone, never went out with exOM in public, in fact the PA was not frequent. I had a separate text number. All messages deleted.

I ended the A and I just want to move past it. I want the exOM out of all my thoughts.

My M is rocky and that's part of the reason I am fearful of disclosure. I am not afraid of being alone if there is a D. I can take care of myself. My biggest fear is having my children lose the life they know. For the most part, my H and I seem happy. My H is happy. I am the one who has not been satisfied in the M.

I got into a huge argument with my H last night. There was even shouting. We don't usually talk to each other in such a manner. I am the one who initiated the argument. I told him I had lots of resentment that has fester over the years because he has never stood up for me to his family. We just go through life like everything is "perfect". His own father is emotionally abusive to his mother, and I told him I can't live that way. He was belittling me and acting like his father.

He told me he wasn't going to be like my father and put me on a pedestal and treat me like a princess the way my dad treats my mother. I reminded him that when we first got married that I was the one who took care of the bills. I am capable....I can take care of myself.

We had ben arguing a bit, and we had both had too much to drink which is why we probably felt open enough to talk, then our son came down crying. He said, "please don't get a divorce.". That shut us both up. We both assured him everything was fine. I think my H just thinks I nitpick over things. I don't understand how he is happy in this M. I don't think I am but I am trying. I think I would stay in it for my kids.

I used to stay up very late after my H had gone to bed. I was chatting with exOM. I asked my H if he every wondered why I was up so late? He said he assumed I was drinking. It didn't seem to bother him at the time, but he said he is glad we go to bed at the same time now.

We finally said "sorry" to each other and went to bed. I thought there might be sex but nope....I feel rejected again.

Not sure why I'm saying all this except to say I still didn't confess. I was able to feel out my H to see if he suspected something which he does not. I guess I'm just saying that I have a bit of a dysfunctional M but I guess arguing is a start. This morning we both acted like everything is okay. My H and I are going out today since neither of us are working. Maybe we will talk.

 

From my perspective, your husband has no idea how unhappy you have been in your marriage. I had no idea how unhappy my wife was either. She made a bunch of "softball" attempts to get me to change things but never had the courage to straight-up confront me about her resentment. While I think there is some re-writing of the marital history that happens in a wayward's mind to help justify an affair ("I must be really miserable in this marriage if here I am having an affair. As a matter of fact, I think I've been unhappy for years. Maybe we should divorce."). That said, I'm saavy enough to realize that I had things to work on. The bigger problem is that my wife kept me in the dark about it and so I never had a fair shot to change anything. When we began reconciling, she quickly saw how I made positive changes to nearly everything she had been unhappy about. We connected every morning before work and reconnected as soon as we got home, I lost weight, tried to quit smoking, reduced my drinking, went to bed with her rather than staying up late for TV, you name it. These things can be fixed. The marriage was reparable but choosing to have an affair instead of confronting me just left her with unresolved resentment, and dropped a nuclear bomb on the relationship. When I made all those positive changes, my wife literally said she felt so stupid for thinking I couldn't or wouldn't change. I simply didn't know how much she needed them. One (perhaps brutally) honest conversation would have done it. Your H thinks you are nit-picking because he has no idea what he is facing. He hasn't had a legitimate chance to fix what is broken. In my new relationship, we never let ourselves even feel so much as uncomfortable about something without discussing it immediately. It may be uncomfortable but we sure as hell aren't going to let it fester into unresolved resentment. Give your husband a chance to make changes; he doesn't know what he is dealing with. Not discussing your sexual needs last night is a perfect example; this conflict avoidance is killing your marriage. There will be fallout from your affair to be sure but if you don't honestly solve the underlying problems, he will not "get it," you will stay unhappy, and you'll eventually land on either divorce or another affair. Give the man a chance. I hope you find the courage to have that conversation today. Being afraid to discuss your resentment honestly and openly is exactly what landed you here in the first place. Good luck today.

[stillafool]

 

We had ben arguing a bit, and we had both had too much to

drink which is why we probably felt open enough to talk, then our son

came down crying. He said, "please don't get a divorce.". That shut us both up.

We both assured him everything was fine. I think my H just thinks I nitpick over

things. I don't understand how he is happy in this M. I don't think I am but I

am trying. I think I would stay in it for my kids.

 

 

I used to stay up very late after my H had gone to bed. I was chatting with

exOM. I asked my H if he every wondered why I was up so late? He said he

assumed I was drinking. It didn't seem to bother him at the time, but

he said he is glad we go to bed at the same time now.

I think this is part of your problems. You guys drink too much. Why don't you both quit or get help for it.

 

 

We finally said "sorry" to each other and went to bed. I thought there might

be sex but nope....I feel rejected again.

Why didn't you ask him for sex? Edited April 16, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[bentnotbroken]

I wan't happy. I would have rather he left than to continue to pick fights with me, make it all my fault and continue to build resentment because I didn't know WTF he was talking about. You set him up. You know you are making him feel like he is doing something wrong. You can't have it both ways. You can't profess to want a good marriage with this man and then set him up to be knocked out by your lies and deceit. It is wrong and damaging to him and ultimately everyone he(and you) come into contact with(your children). Wake up and get a clue. This is getting worse by the day.

[stillafool]

I told him about this support group. I did not mention the name. I also told him he should do some soul searching to figure out what led him to be a cheater.

 

 

Why didn't you also tell him about your IC. Tell the truth Belle you aren't going to IC are you? Doesn't your husband ask you about IC and why you are going and what you are learning?

[SoulStorm]

You picked a fight because you are riddled with guilt. Then you blameshifted all over him. For someone who claims she wants her family so much..you have a very profound way of showing it.

 

You have to learn to be selfless..to put other's needs before yours and you aren't doing that..not at all. this has been all about you.

 

You are one selfish woman Belle..very selfish.

[stillafool]

 

He told me he wasn't going to be like my father and put me on a pedestal and treat me like a princess the way my dad treats my mother.

 

Do you really think you deserve to be put on a pedestal?

[Wanderer25]

Bella, read about blameshifting and gaslighting. And can you tell me when your sexlife at home disappeared? Any particular circumstances? Do you think your husband has any performance issues?

[mercy]

Bellechica, you said in another thread that you are still in the affair.

 

I imagine your kids/kid is so sick of all the fighting, drinking, drama - whatever else is going on behind closed doors that it may be a blessing to them if you both just put up or shut up. I can't imagine being your son and coming downstairs to two looped parents arguing again about whatever. Your kids/kid are gifts to you, show those gifts some respect, they didn't ask for this. But you did. Think woman, think.

 

I'm praying for your child/children that the adults in their lives put them and their well being first. My heart goes out to him/them.

[Bellechica]

No it isn't getting better.

 

Yes we both drink to much. We don't get falling down drunk. I guess last night we both just had enough to get some things out in the open. I considered just blurting out, "I had an A", but I talked myself out of it.

 

I think he is happy because I asked him if he was happy and he told me he is happy with our M. I think I should be happy too. My H is not a bad person. He is quiet and gentle, and sometimes I feel lonely when we are together. I knew he was a passive person when we married so I don't expect him to change. I'm not sure what fulfillment the A gave me. I'm not sure why I chose to do it.

 

I didn't ask my H for sex last night because he has said that he feels pressured at times. I do sleep mostly naked and thought he might know I wanted to.

 

I think our sex problems started after our first two years of M. The worst year was last year when I was in the A because I stopped initiating.

 

He thinks I am in IC for anxiety issues related to work. I am very anxious and sad.

 

I shouldn't have started the argument last night.

 

Anne, you're right, I shouldn't blame him for anything. He is a great father and he loves me. I will read up on blame shifting and gas lighting. I will try harder.

[Owl]

So what are you going to do to change the situation???

[Bellechica]

Stay in IC, not initiate arguments, try to get over the EA with ExOM....yes I still think about him so I have to admit I am still in the A, drink less, hug more, focus on the good things.

 

I am scared for my kids too, but I promise that my H and I don't argue very much. I shouldn't have started the arguement last night. I can't imagine my son thinking about us D.

 

I may need to stop posting here and lurk. I think I'm getting to caught up and upset. I am feeling too much guilt and starting to feel unstable.

[analystfromhell]

Early on (it's a long and useful thread) the picture you painted of your husband was- hope this is right- quiet, slightly introverted or as you have said "passive". Probably seemingly not in touch with his feelings or passionate about things- maybe emotionally stilted? I'm guessing he's pretty intelligent- just guessing.

 

You're also pretty smart- and careful- separate phone, covering your tracks and so on. That strikes me as someone who tends more to the rational side of things- rather than the emotional your affair not withstanding or perhaps, given the way you discuss it, the best example of this.

 

So I'm going to propose your husband is aware of the affair and whether he, or you are consciously aware of it- it's at least partially behind his lack of sexual advances. I'm pretty sure about this- as sure any anyone can be without knowing either of you or all the circumstances.

 

Until it gets admitted and discussed- I can't see things changing. We do so much based on our "desires" which more and more I see as manifestations of what we understand subconsciously/instinctively.

[Radu]

You picked a fight because you are riddled with guilt. Then you blameshifted all over him. For someone who claims she wants her family so much..you have a very profound way of showing it.

 

You have to learn to be selfless..to put other's needs before yours and you aren't doing that..not at all. this has been all about you.

 

You are one selfish woman Belle..very selfish.

 

 

Combine this with what she just mentioned ... that her own father treated her mom like a princess.

[findingnemo]

I really don't think he suspects anything. I have been pretty normal when he is around. I used a separate phone, never went out with exOM in public, in fact the PA was not frequent. I had a separate text number. All messages deleted.

I ended the A and I just want to move past it. I want the exOM out of all my thoughts.

My M is rocky and that's part of the reason I am fearful of disclosure. I am not afraid of being alone if there is a D. I can take care of myself. My biggest fear is having my children lose the life they know. For the most part, my H and I seem happy. My H is happy. I am the one who has not been satisfied in the M.

I got into a huge argument with my H last night. There was even shouting. We don't usually talk to each other in such a manner. I am the one who initiated the argument. I told him I had lots of resentment that has fester over the years because he has never stood up for me to his family. We just go through life like everything is "perfect". His own father is emotionally abusive to his mother, and I told him I can't live that way. He was belittling me and acting like his father.

He told me he wasn't going to be like my father and put me on a pedestal and treat me like a princess the way my dad treats my mother. I reminded him that when we first got married that I was the one who took care of the bills. I am capable....I can take care of myself.

We had ben arguing a bit, and we had both had too much to drink which is why we probably felt open enough to talk, then our son came down crying. He said, "please don't get a divorce.". That shut us both up. We both assured him everything was fine. I think my H just thinks I nitpick over things. I don't understand how he is happy in this M. I don't think I am but I am trying. I think I would stay in it for my kids.

I used to stay up very late after my H had gone to bed. I was chatting with exOM. I asked my H if he every wondered why I was up so late? He said he assumed I was drinking. It didn't seem to bother him at the time, but he said he is glad we go to bed at the same time now.

We finally said "sorry" to each other and went to bed. I thought there might be sex but nope....I feel rejected again.

Not sure why I'm saying all this except to say I still didn't confess. I was able to feel out my H to see if he suspected something which he does not. I guess I'm just saying that I have a bit of a dysfunctional M but I guess arguing is a start. This morning we both acted like everything is okay. My H and I are going out today since neither of us are working. Maybe we will talk.

 

Oh Belle, your H isn't going to say anything if he suspects you. I also want you to realize that you are not that good at covering your tracks. When you say you act pretty normal...well, you think you act pretty normal but you probably didn't.

 

Even when you argue, he still won't say anything. Instead he will give you veiled insults like "I won't put you on a pedestal like your father did" sort of thing. Your H is resentful, isn't he? Do you know of any reason he should be?

 

Ooops, gotta go. Will be back.

[Wanderer25]

I did read on a different place. See if it applies to you situation. The husband was having some problems with performance. So he backed a bit in the sex area. The wife kept pushing for sex. He felt even more pressurized and he withdrew even more. he was scared he would fail while doing it. The resentment grew on from the wife side. Talk to him about your sexual needs in a honest discussion and how the lack of it makes you feel rejected. This is a valid issue and offer the option to see a sex therapist

[Owl]

I may need to stop posting here and lurk. I think I'm getting to caught up and upset. I am feeling too much guilt and starting to feel unstable.

 

I disagree. Feeling guilt is a GOOD thing...it's the internal motivation to do the right thing.

 

Feeling unstable...uncertain...and guilty...are all signs that you're finally nearing the bottom. Again...a GOOD thing, as it nearly always leads to positive changes in the situation.

 

Don't stop posting now. Now is when you're finally starting to "get it". You're FINALLY starting to see what you're responsible for, what the impacts of your choices may be, and what you should be doing about it.

 

Don't hide from it.

 

Do something about it.

[2sunny]

Don't drink anymore! It causes a person to harm self and others.

 

Your actions and words are your evidence of that.

 

Can you stop?

[Wanderer25]

I may need to stop posting here and lurk. I think I'm getting to caught up and upset. I am feeling too much guilt and starting to feel unstable.

 

 

Then you will definitely fall back on OM for support. You have no one else to share your guilt. The affair will definitely resume. There is a reason you are feeling guilt. Don't let it fade out. Don't get back into the mindset that let you have an affair for 2 years. Why do you think you did not feel bad during the affair?

 

If you need to stop posting, make sure you confess to the husband first. You will soon fall back into the affair other wise

[mercy]

I may need to stop posting here and lurk. I think I'm getting to caught up and upset. I am feeling too much guilt and starting to feel unstable.

 

You're starting to feel unstable because you are feeling guilt? Ridiculous. Why are you so afraid to feel guilt? Are you afraid the flood gates will be open and you'll lose control? Life isn't all about making you feel better. It isn't anyone's responsibility to make you feel anything. Those are your choices.

 

Here is a little experiment to try in your everyday life. For one hour deny yourself to think or speak of yourself. Not one word or thought that involves you. Deny yourself. Refuse to start a sentence or thought that begins in I or me. Think on those you truly love, think about their wants, needs and desires. Put yours at the bottom of the list. Follow through with doing one thing for each one of them with no thought of self.

 

How did it feel?

 

Please don't stop posting here unless you feel it is just serving you.

[nofool4u]

Owl, thank you......

 

Ok one last question: I'm ashamed to ask but I would like to know what I am up against if I'm facing D which again is not what I want but what I feel I'll get if/when I tell H.

 

What are the legal repercussions for a WW who reveals an A.

 

Unfortunately, nothing.

[nofool4u]

If I confess to my H I want to know what I'm facing. Hell most certainly but what about child custody?

 

As a mother, cheater or not, you will get custody unless he can prove you are a drug addict, or will harm the kids in some way. Unfortunately for your H, being a cheater doesn't make you an unfit mother (in the eyes of the court anyway).

 

But why shouldn't he get custody if he wants it if you do divorce? Haven't you done enough to him already? He could get custody and you could be an every other weekend mom, like most of us dads are now. But you'd have to agree to let that happen. Wouldn't that be something you could do for him? Or do you just want to make him pay child support?

 

 

What about alienation of affection law suits as we didn't have sex for a year.....granted that would be hard to prove since I didn't reject my H.

 

Those are outdated laws that RARELY get used.

[nofool4u]

I mean I'm sure because of my choices I could be deemed an unfit mother and lose my children.

 

I would deem a cheater an unfit parent, but the courts do not. They don't care if you cheated. Sucks for your husband, and would add insult to injury.

 

Let me ask you this, if you end up getting a divorce, would you agree to 50/50 custody with no child support?

[nofool4u]

I'm afraid that I confess my kids will think I hate them.

 

Your kids will more than likely be pissed at you, but they won't think you hate them. They'll just be pissed you screwed over their father whom they love.

[nofool4u]

You know if I confess I've got no where to go?

 

We all have someplace to go. You can get your own apartment. Or since you are still entitled to live in the marital home, its your H that might decide to leave.

 

Everyone has somewhere they can go.