New here. Married woman who had affair and just ended for good I hope

[anne1707]

I didn't ask my H for sex last night because he has said that he feels pressured at times. I do sleep mostly naked and thought he might know I wanted to.

 

So you expect your H to read your mind? I would have thought that is the last thing you would want him to do.

 

Belle - I have to ask you this. Do you really love your H? Do you respect him? Do you want to grow old with him? Is he the one you want to share yourself with fully both physically and emotionally?

 

When answering, please try to totally disregard the fact that you have children - just focus on your relationship with and feelings for your H as a man and not as a co-parent.

[findingnemo]

Oh Belle, your H isn't going to say anything if he suspects you. I also want you to realize that you are not that good at covering your tracks. When you say you act pretty normal...well, you think you act pretty normal but you probably didn't.

 

Even when you argue, he still won't say anything. Instead he will give you veiled insults like "I won't put you on a pedestal like your father did" sort of thing. Your H is resentful, isn't he? Do you know of any reason he should be?

 

Ooops, gotta go. Will be back.

 

Hey Belle,

 

I'm sorry I had to rush off before I finished. So where was I?

 

I would advise you not to think your H doesn't know just because he says he's happy. Maybe he doesn't know "know" but when he finds out he may very well surprise you when he says he had a feeling something was wrong.

 

I get the impression you want to stay M for your kids, your H who loves you but not because that's really what you want. You don't want the humiliation of facing your family with the knowledge of your As but neither do you think you two should be the first to get a D. Have you taken the time to think about what you want for yourself? If there were no kids, would getting a D be easier? Would you consider a D if others in your family had done so before?

 

Admit that while you believe that family is everything, you actually managed to jeopardize that "everything", not once but twice. This is usually a result of doing things because you think that's how you should appear. I call it "Keeping up appearances" as many do. The problem with this is that sooner or later, your own needs are so great that they outweigh your desire to "look" a certain way.

 

Belle, how about you do an exercise. List your fears randomly. Then figure out which ones are the greatest and which the least. You don't have to do this here but be honest with yourself. If you do list them, people will help you sort through them. For me, getting a D was scary for the following reasons:

 

1. I didn't want to be single again. I liked the fact that I was a M woman. (Silly? Well, it's true.)

2. Getting a D would have been a public admission of failure. I hate failure and it's worse when it's there for all to see.

3. I had put so much into my home, my M, my life as a W. I didn't want to lose that.

4. Since I'd eloped (my parents were not for my M), I really didn't want to show my family that I was wrong and they were right.

 

The other regular reasons were at the bottom of my list. How my kids would fare? I knew they'd be fine. Financials? I make my own money. Sex and companionship? This one was hard because I knew that because of how I felt about my H, this would never satisfactory. So it became one of my reasons to D. And so on... What are your fears?

Edited April 16, 2012 by findingnemo

[Artie Lang]

I am feeling too much guilt.

 

not enough. you're still living a lie. continuing to work with AP, even.

[woinlove]

Stay in IC, not initiate arguments, try to get over the EA with ExOM....yes I still think about him so I have to admit I am still in the A, drink less, hug more, focus on the good things.

 

I am scared for my kids too, but I promise that my H and I don't argue very much. I shouldn't have started the arguement last night. I can't imagine my son thinking about us D.

 

I may need to stop posting here and lurk. I think I'm getting to caught up and upset. I am feeling too much guilt and starting to feel unstable.

 

Feeling too much guilt is not the problem. Continuing behavior that makes you feel guilty is the problem. If you continue behaving as you are now and try to suppress your guilty feelings, you will likely end up in much worse shape than you are now. Your guilt is trying to tell you something and you should try to listen.

[stillafool]

Belle, wouldn't it be better for your marriage to get a new job so you won't be exposed to your exOM? I think that is part of your problem. It can't be easy trying to move on and forget him when you see him 5 days a week.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Guilt is a horrible but necessary thing. My WW got suicidal before she started to come around again (not that she's come around full =\ )

 

And even though my WW has done some horrible things and failed pretty badly at R....she did come to me with some truth of her own initiative.

 

That's how I found out about the A in the first place. I did have things I was suspicious about, but had ignored because I trusted her.

 

Anyway, she was sooo terrified. Thought should would lose the kids, lose her roof, lose her life even, it was crazy how scared she was. But she did it, she told me she was pregnant, possibly with another man's child.

 

She had more reason to tell than you do, but it sure helped that first night that it was on her initiative. So yeah it's REALLY REALLY scary. But it's the right thing to do, and the best thing for your family.

 

My other thought is just to D...if your kids are already so scared of D...freaked out from arguments....ouch. After all I've been through, I've never seen my daughter do something like that.

[Bellechica]

Anne, I do love my husband. It's not that crazy, romantic, I am in love with him kind of love, but I believe that is because my stupid brain is still wrapped up and having thoughts of exOM even though they're hate thoughts at times. I really try not to think of him, but yes, stillafool, seeing him at work, only occasionally makes it hard. I am looking for another job.

 

Anne, I love my husband. We enjoy so much together. We biked 20+ miles today. We went to lunch. We discussed the fact that we have both being drinking too much. I apologized for being bitchy last night. I am sorry I got upset. I think I'm still in the EA and I'm doing things to push my H away. I don't know why I did it. My H talked about our son coming down last night and how much we hurt him. We both felt horrible. We know we can be better.

 

Owl, it's possible my H might suspect something but I really think he doesn't want to know. I wouldn't if he had ended an A and loved only me.

 

Yes, Anne I see us growing old together even if it is a brotherly kind of love. We are in general kind to each other and put each other first. Today, we discussed how our relationship has changed. We have been in our new house two years. We talked about how everything was simpler in our first house. Small but united. Now we are in this big place and keeping up with the "joneses". It's not who we are. We vowed to do the things we used to: family game night, less electronics, more cooking together, etc. These are ways we connected....just the four of us.

 

Nemo, my fears:

1. Something harming my famiy's health and happiness

(I'm aware that I made choices that could harm them the most)

2. Having the A outed and destroying my parent's view of me. I'm all they have......

3. Having my H reputation harmed because of my actions

4. My kid's losing their home

 

And the argument I had with my H last night was just stupid. We both actually love each other's parents. I especially like my Mother-in-law. How many women can say that?

My family loves my H. In fact, if they knew what I've done they would probably disown me.....

 

He doesn't need the pain I've caused. I lost my way.....I really just f**ked up big time.

 

I know I seem like I'm mentally ill. My emotions are all over the place. I feel safe with my H...I feel calmer...

[Lexygirl]

The OM isn't loyal. He's a POS that enjoys having sex with you. If you left you BH for him, you would be together for a year at most and he would move on to his next conquest. My W OM was the same way. They all are. Think about it. What kind of man would have sex with a married woman?

 

Free yourself and your marriage and tell your BH.

 

This ^^^^^

[Ninja'sHusband]

3. Having my H reputation harmed because of my actions

 

I wouldn't worry about this too much. The more I open up about what happened the less I feel like a "failure". I think I had a lot of shame at first, that my W would have done something like that. I just don't feel that way...well...around married folks anyway. All the guys at work just seem to get it, most of them are married with kids, and from the sounds of it, been through similar issues. There goes your theory about most men leaving! Though honestly I'm speculating. The one case I know for sure that involved a WW, she left him. All the other guys are still married.

[bentnotbroken]

I wouldn't if he had ended an A and loved only me.

 

 

 

^^^^^^There is just one problem with the above statement. You can't think clearly for yourself how are you going to "think" what he wants. Your thought process is faulty and self serving.

[Lexygirl]

Ok, I've been keeping up with your whole thread, Belle.

I do feel for you. I hope you take my posts seriously. I am also a FWW who has been through tons of ups and downs in the past few years with my husband.

First of all... I wanted to address the concern you have about your daughter starting HS and her anxiety issues... (btw, my daughter is also starting HS in September)

Here's how I see it... you are trying to control this whole situation. You said you at least want your daughter settled in HS before you confess to your H

BUT the truth is.... you have no control over this situation...

What if your H finds out the very week she starts HS anyway? Will you be in control then? NO... in fact it will be exponentially worse...

 

Secondly, I want you to ask yourself... what is true intimacy?

What I've learned over the past couple years is that true intimacy is being able to be naked with another human being on every level...

physically, mentually, spiritually and emotionally !

ARe you being truly intimate with your H? The answer is... NOT EVEN CLOSE.

In order to be truly intimate with you H you have to be able to first be honest with yourself about your feelings and then be honest with him about EVERYTHING... EVEN if it's uncomfortable.. ESPECIALLY if it's uncomfortable... it's called being a mature, emotionally healthy adult !

Running away only delays the inevitable.

 

Insight is very important here.

The truth is... something inside of you made you feel unhappy in the past and obviously something isn't right with your husband either.... so why not dig VERY deep and figure this out together? This would truly ignite the intimacy back into your marriage.

The only way you can begin is by being honest with each other. Who knows... HE may very well also have secrets he is hiding too.

 

Life isn't a sprint.. it's a marathon.. you must go back to basics with this man you profess to love.. remember what you truly love about him... remember what you truly respect about him and then tell him the truth because you can't respect him OR yourself again UNTIL you confess these sins.

 

Confess to him and then rebuild from there.

Trying to rebuild from a shakey foundation will only make your future home unstable at best... collapse at worst.

 

Good luck, Belle.

Lexy

[Wanderer25]

I hate how much effort people are putting in giving bella advice and she is not even considering them. Not only here, even on SI. People are giving her lots of good advice wasting their own time. If she has no intention of coming clean, she is only wasting these good natured people's time

[Bellechica]

Lexy.....thank you. No I'm not naked with my H. I dont think we were raised that way. We avoid conflict but I don't think we have been unhappy. We even lived apart a year while he was in grad school. I had the kids and he came home on weekends. I was the one who suggested he get the apartment. We didn't have M problems then....I never felt tempted. I never thought I'd betray him, ever.

 

Wander, I agree....I don't want to waste anyone's time. I read other's threads and they help me process....

 

I can't say exactly what I will do but my fears haven't changed....they are very much alive. I fear discovery less than D.

 

I don't wish to waste anyone's time....

[The Blue Knight]

He doesn't need the pain I've caused. I lost my way.....I really just f**ked up big time.

 

I know I seem like I'm mentally ill. My emotions are all over the place. I feel safe with my H...I feel calmer...

Belle, those are normal feelings in the aftermath of what you did. You're not mentally ill. You are very articulate when you want to be. You just have a lot on your plate and you're trying to decide how to proceed from here. Don't become overly anxious. Just take it day by day for now.

[Lexygirl]

This is a discussion board and just like any other discussion board, ppl come here of their own free will. If ppl don't have the time, they won't post... if they do feel they have the time and possibly something to contribute, they WILL post... simple as that.

No one is wasting anyone else's time...

No one who gives advice on here can control what someone else will do and if they think they MUST control others then THEY are the ones who need to step back and stop posting and possibly get therapy themsleves..

Just my 2 cents

[Ninja'sHusband]

No it isn't getting better.

 

Yes we both drink to much. We don't get falling down drunk. I guess last night we both just had enough to get some things out in the open. I considered just blurting out, "I had an A", but I talked myself out of it.

Hey belle, just a note that this is the wrong way to tell him. You'll come off righteous about it. You don't want that. Ideally you'd do it just like my WW did (except tell the whole truth). Excepting the fact that she lied about the scope, my WW's admission was perfect in tone and setup. She had thought it through a lot, it was verrrryy planned and deliberated over.

 

She started off telling me how much she loved me. She worked her way into telling me she was pregnant, and let me react to that. Then she proceeded to tell me what a bad wife she was. I was in the position of telling her the opposite, trying to comfort her, tell her all the good things, and what a great wife she was. It took a while but finally through her tears she told me she didn't know who the father of the child was. She could barely speak. She kinda went nuts there with fear and grief. She begged me not to take our daughter away from her. She begged for various things. She cried and whined and told me to kill her, still can't believe she said that. It haunts me whenever I think about it. How could I act cruelly to a woman in such pain? We went to bed that night, she constantly was trying to love me, kiss me, hold me. We ended up making love even though I wasn't really that into it.

 

Yeah the bad parts were the lies, and how I had to drag it out of her even who the guy was. It was weird, I saw all her pain stop when she started lying. She took a breath and all of a sudden said, "I hope he knows it was only that once" (He being the OM). It was like the lie had just given her a dose of morphine. I remember feeling suspicious at that moment, but had no way to know what was true or not.

 

Anyway, the point is, if you tell. Don't do it during a shouting match. Set it up. Find the right time, when you have privacy, time to talk, your BH isn't distracted, and be remorseful.

 

And yes it's gonna be really really hard. Probably the hardest thing you've ever done. It was certainly tremendously difficult for my W.

Edited April 17, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband

[2sunny]

Hey belle, just a note that this is the wrong way to tell him. You'll come off righteous about it. You don't want that. Ideally you'd do it just like my WW did (except tell the whole truth). Excepting the fact that she lied about the scope, my WW's admission was perfect in tone and setup. She had thought it through a lot, it was verrrryy planned and deliberated over.

 

She started off telling me how much she loved me. She worked her way into telling me she was pregnant, and let me react to that. Then she proceeded to tell me what a bad wife she was. I was in the position of telling her the opposite, trying to comfort her, tell her all the good things, and what a great wife she was. It took a while but finally through her tears she told me she didn't know who the father of the child was. She could barely speak. She kinda went nuts there with fear and grief. She begged me not to take our daughter away from her. She begged for various things. She cried and whined and told me to kill her, still can't believe she said that. It haunts me whenever I think about it. How could I act cruelly to a woman in such pain? We went to bed that night, she constantly was trying to love me, kiss me, hold me. We ended up making love even though I wasn't really that into it.

 

Yeah the bad parts were the lies, and how I had to drag it out of her even who the guy was. It was weird, I saw all her pain stop when she started lying. She took a breath and all of a sudden said, "I hope he knows it was only that once" (He being the OM). It was like the lie had just given her a dose of morphine. I remember feeling suspicious at that moment, but had no way to know what was true or not.

 

Anyway, the point is, if you tell. Don't do it during a shouting match. Set it up. Find the right time, when you have privacy, time to talk, your BH isn't distracted, and be remorseful.

 

And yes it's gonna be really really hard. Probably the hardest thing you've ever done. It was certainly tremendously difficult for my W.

 

 

 

NH - knowing what we now know about your W - that is just sick!

 

She is just a really good actress and a complete liar!

 

How could you possibly believe one word she says?

 

She has you so snowed even a snowplow can't help you see how evil she is!

[whichwayisup]

She started off telling me how much she loved me. She worked her way into telling me she was pregnant, and let me react to that. Then she proceeded to tell me what a bad wife she was. I was in the position of telling her the opposite, trying to comfort her, tell her all the good things, and what a great wife she was. It took a while but finally through her tears she told me she didn't know who the father of the child was. She could barely speak. She kinda went nuts there with fear and grief. She begged me not to take our daughter away from her. She begged for various things. She cried and whined and told me to kill her, still can't believe she said that.

 

Even after all that, she STILL refuses to give up on the MA classes where she (and you) now know OM is still there. Kind of makes you wonder that she acted and reacted out of pure emotion and desparation ... All that happened yet nothing has changed. And OM is still lurking in the background, waiting.

Judging from other posts, both OM/OM and BS's, after D-day there IS contact.. It's rare when an A ends there's TOTAL NC on both sides.

[2sunny]

And NH's wife is an expert at acting all lovey and making it look good at home in order to appease him back into his proper submissive position...especially when she offers up sex to be sure she gets him to go along with her plan.

 

She's got him doing exactly what she wants - that way she gets to do exactly what SHE wants.

 

Her MA wasn't so important BEFORE that she didn't piss on her playground. She knew he would ask her to quit going there.

 

Most people who have affairs have a "plan" on how to communicate should the spouse ever find out. That plan includes how to be sneakier so they can still see each other. The OM knew she would be there Friday and I'd bet money she knew he'd be there too.

 

How did she react to his presence?

[Artie Lang]

the way you describe your husband- very passive- I seriously doubt he'd leave you.

 

he seems content to be in a sexless marriage. he'd probably understand why you strayed.

 

there's something odd about your husband.

Edited April 17, 2012 by Artie Lang

[Bellechica]

My H is quiet but he isn't weird. He can be very sociable. We have lots of friends. He is very hard working and truly good at just about anything he sets out to do. He is handsome, gentile, easy going, loyal, well-mannered.

 

I can't tell you how many times people have told me how great he is. He has never had an enemy. At his office Xmas party, countless women came up and told me that he is so easy to get along with. I cringe inside because I look at him and ask myself how in the hell I have done this?

I know I have boundary issues, but there must be something seriously wrong with me to risk everything for an A.

[SandieBeach]

I can't tell you how many times people have told me how great he is. He has never had an enemy. At his office Xmas party, countless women came up and told me that he is so easy to get along with. I cringe inside because I look at him and ask myself how in the hell I have done this?

 

How could you have taken your husband for granted? Easily - people do it all the time.

 

I know I have boundary issues, but there must be something seriously wrong with me to risk everything for an A.

 

Personally, I do think have have some serious issues that you need to work on. But I would say they are more about your needing a validation from men. There are a lot of good people who have affairs (I can't believe I am saying this ), and who will risk good things in their life to "feel good about themselves." In fact, I will go on records to say that no matter how incredibly hurtful we know if it to be cheated on, we are all capable of getting involved with people other than our spouses. We are all capable of pretty much anything. Whether or not we act on it, well, that's something you can work on.

[anne1707]

Belle

 

You started this thread three weeks ago. Since then, do you feel as you have learnt anything and changed anything as a result? Have your feelings towards the exOM and your H changed in anyway? Have your actions changed in anyway? Have you taken any positive steps to help your marriage?

 

I ask because whilst some say that you have progressed, I struggle to see that. IMO you are still using the same logic and thought processes that you used when you came to LS. You are still in the affair, you still romanticise the OM whilst you describe your feelings for your H as "brotherly love". The way things are, as I see them, your marriage does not stand a chance unless you actually do something rather than talk yourself around various excuses for continuing to do nothing.

[beenburned]

anne,

 

Thank you for posting that, as it was exactly the same thing I was thinking!

[findingnemo]

.

 

Nemo, my fears:

1. Something harming my famiy's health and happiness

(I'm aware that I made choices that could harm them the most)

2. Having the A outed and destroying my parent's view of me. I'm all they have......

3. Having my H reputation harmed because of my actions

4. My kid's losing their home

 

And the argument I had with my H last night was just stupid. We both actually love each other's parents. I especially like my Mother-in-law. How many women can say that?

My family loves my H. In fact, if they knew what I've done they would probably disown me.....

 

He doesn't need the pain I've caused. I lost my way.....I really just f**ked up big time.

 

I know I seem like I'm mentally ill. My emotions are all over the place. I feel safe with my H...I feel calmer...

 

 

It's good, Belle, to examine what scares you the most.

 

Your first fear - something harming your family's health and happiness - is valid regardless of whether you are the leading cause of harm. The fact of the matter is that harm has been done already. They just don't know it yet. So the question for you should be how to minimize the harm both in the long and short run.

 

Your parents... Yes, they'll be disappointed but they are humans like everybody else. They have seen good and bad Ms. They understand that nothing is perfect and they'll always love you no matter what. A remorseful person will get comfort and support. Why do you think they'd disown you?

 

Your H's reputation would be harmed how exactly? I can't imagine this one. People will feel for him...unless you're from my kind of society.

 

Your kids will lose their home? Do you live in the US? I thought you did. If so, this won't happen. How can it?

 

You're not mentally ill...you could end up having a nervous breakdown from the guilt and all that. But you're sane. That's why you feel terrible. That's why you're here looking for a way to ease the pain, Belle. Yes, your H doesn't deserve the pain but you don't deserve to torture yourself with self-doubt and guilt. You don't deserve a life getting by when you can have a real life.