New here. Married woman who had affair and just ended for good I hope

[findingnemo]

My thoughts change from moment to moment as do my emotions.

 

Right now I would say, yes, I miss the sex with the OM very much and I've stopped going to bed naked or getting undressed in front of my H. That is what I did when I was in the A because I felt like I was betraying the OM...sick I know.

 

My H doesn't seem to mind going without sex. The majority of our M has been lacking sex.

 

I do love my H. I love doing things with him. We share so many interests and have fun together we just don't have much sex.

 

Nemo, I will answer something you asked awhile back....something about what would I do if there were no kids in the M. Or maybe Anne asked that....

 

I have really thought about it....I might just be staying and trying to make my M work to please my parents and for my kids. My H and I aren't unhappy though....we simply lack passion

 

I have been posting less in this thread as I really don't want to waste anyone's time.

 

But to answer the question about sex....yes I miss it with the OM.

 

I think Belle that you love the life you've built with your H, your family, your kids, everything but your H. Admitting this to yourself will help you see a way out. Right now you want conflicting things.

 

You know that to keep your life as it is is the best thing to do, that to be with your OM is not what you should do because he isn't right for you, that leaving to be on your own will be choosing the hard path.

 

At the same time, you don't love your H the way you'd like, you find your sex life unfulfilling and you know there's no hope that things will change in that department.

 

Is there any truth to what I said above?

[Lois]

 

Is there any truth to what I said above?

 

Gosh, you're asking Belle about truth?

[Artie Lang]

Belle, i don't think you should stop posting on this thread.

 

i don't think you're wasting peoples time either, as you can tell by the number of posters chiming in.

 

they might sound redundent, but that's because you're still keeping it secret.

 

i think one of the main problems in your marriage is that your husband has placed himself into he "friend zone" with you. you guys live more like siblings, than spouses.

 

i just can't seem to shake the feeling that there's something seriously wrong with your husband. something is off.

 

like i said before, i don't think he'd leave you should you decide to confess.

[Bellechica]

Yes Nemo there is a lot of truth there but at the same time I think my view of my H and M is still cloudy because I still feel attached to the OM.

NH, sorry I made you sick.....

It is sick. I know that it's irrational. The A is still like a cloud. I know the sex with the OM would get old probably. I know it wasn't a true friendship or loving relationship even though he said he was in love with me.

I know the advice you all have given me is sound and logical and I I'll honestly say that there is part of me that doesn't want the party to end.

 

I think I am going to have to leave my job. I know I'll see OM in a meeting today and it's going to suck. I am wearing my most conservative clothes and I won't make eye contact with him.

[Artie Lang]

you do need to leave that job, though, if you are seeking to reconcile. no doubt about that. get on that ASAP!

[Bellechica]

Artie, well there is something off with me as well. That's obvious.

My H is like my brother. We hang out and do lots of things together. We genuinely enjoy each other's company. But our intimacy is primarily a kiss on the cheek as we head off to work.

We are trying to reconnect...sending a "hi" there text each day and talking a bit as we watch tv after the kids go to bed. This weekend we are going away with a lot of other couples. I know he will probably drink too much but that is when he will get a little more assertive and flirty and tells me I'm sexy.

 

We talked about our drinking too much lately but I'm sure he is going to want to distress this weekend. I know he has been looking forward to this weekend a long time.

[2sunny]

Yes Nemo there is a lot of truth there but at the same time I think my view of my H and M is still cloudy because I still feel attached to the OM.

NH, sorry I made you sick.....

It is sick. I know that it's irrational. The A is still like a cloud. I know the sex with the OM would get old probably. I know it wasn't a true friendship or loving relationship even though he said he was in love with me.

I know the advice you all have given me is sound and logical and I I'll honestly say that there is part of me that doesn't want the party to end.

 

I think I am going to have to leave my job. I know I'll see OM in a meeting today and it's going to suck. I am wearing my most conservative clothes and I won't make eye contact with him.

 

Since your mind and your heart aren't into your H - but still focused on your OM - there's NO way to have room in your heart and mind for your H!

 

That's completely cruel of you!

 

I'd suggest leaving the job and your M for a break to clear your mind enough to have some clarity about what you intend to DO differently in this situation.

 

After gaining clarity - decide! Then stick with whatever it is you decide.

 

The harm you are causing isn't right.

 

IF you aren't willing to get honest with yourself and your H there isn't anything that can be done to help you.

 

You're not IN the M - but your not out of it either... That just sucks for your husband. That's not loving behavior!

 

If you can't bring loving behavior to the M - then what's the point? For what it's worth - loving behavior STARTS with your thoughts and intentions! It is your actions that SHOULD back that up!

 

But your doing it backwards - because you're PRETENDING to be IN - while your thoughts are still about your OM.

 

 

Pretending is the same as the lie.

 

YOU are the only one making the M feel empty - it is your lies that are the driving force of that emptiness.

[2sunny]

Artie, well there is something off with me as well. That's obvious.

My H is like my brother. We hang out and do lots of things together. We genuinely enjoy each other's company. But our intimacy is primarily a kiss on the cheek as we head off to work.

We are trying to reconnect...sending a "hi" there text each day and talking a bit as we watch tv after the kids go to bed. This weekend we are going away with a lot of other couples. I know he will probably drink too much but that is when he will get a little more assertive and flirty and tells me I'm sexy.

 

We talked about our drinking too much lately but I'm sure he is going to want to distress this weekend. I know he has been looking forward to this weekend a long time.

 

 

Stop drinking! The drinking is clouding how you FEEL! It's also affecting what may or may not be real!

 

 

Why can't you interact more intensely with your H throughout the day?

 

Amp it up! Send a text that says "you looked hot in that color this morning"! Or ANYTHING that stirs the thoughts of it NOT just being like your brother! And IF you start that kind of interaction - be sure and use HIS NAME - so he knows it's him you were intending to text!

[Bellechica]

Sunny2......you are so right. Those are the kind of texts I should send.

My H and I usually talk about our jobs or the kids. I should be the one to make "love bank deposits" and not wait for him to do so.

When we had premarital counseling, I remember how we were told to refer to each other by name and not just "hun". We haven't done that in so long. I can't recall the last time we kissed passionately or looked into each others eyes.

I want to feel less like a sister to him...I wonder if he feels the way I do. He says he is happy, and we have started reminiscing about old times....fun times. We used to have outstanding sex while we were dating and the first few years of marriage. I loved it....

[Owl]

So what are you going to do to fix that?

[Ninja'sHusband]

I gotta say that one of the strengths that my WW and I have is that we don't drink. I wonder what would have happened if we did. I might have ended up like Kidd. Easy.

 

btw I still don't get the being naked with H because of feeling like you are betraying OM thing. Not judgemental, just genuinely confused...it doesn't make sense to me. Am I misunderstanding what you said?

Edited April 18, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband

[findingnemo]

Sunny2......you are so right. Those are the kind of texts I should send.

My H and I usually talk about our jobs or the kids. I should be the one to make "love bank deposits" and not wait for him to do so.

When we had premarital counseling, I remember how we were told to refer to each other by name and not just "hun". We haven't done that in so long. I can't recall the last time we kissed passionately or looked into each others eyes.

I want to feel less like a sister to him...I wonder if he feels the way I do. He says he is happy, and we have started reminiscing about old times....fun times. We used to have outstanding sex while we were dating and the first few years of marriage. I loved it....

 

Again, Belle, you'd be trying to single handedly rebuild your M. As long as you're keeping a secret, you will not feel close to him again.

 

Why are you doing this? Don't you see how it robs your H of a life? It robs you of a life? It robs your children of a healthy loving R upon which to base their future Rs? Can you stop for a moment and look at the long term implications of pretending, lying, acting? How is this different from having As?

 

Children aren't as dumb as we like to think. They can sense unhappiness even if they have no idea why it is. They do what we do not what we say. They see parents as role models and subconsciously learn how to deal with life the way their parents did. If you are determined to live an empty life, to sentence your H to a fake M, then please consider what your kind of adults your kids will grow up to be.

 

Do you want them to sweep issues such as yours under the rug? Would you want them to get M and stay M with partners they don't love and who don't love them right? Do you want the boy(s) to search for women who do the right thing but can't feel, can't enjoy life? Do you want the girl(s) to look for partners who are mechanical, are just "there", who don't fulfill them sexually because you have taught them that intimacy isn't important?

 

If not for yourself, if not for your H, change things for your kids.

[Bellechica]

Nemo....Owl. I have to try to make it work. I need to love more with action. My H does do loving things and I need to do more actions: make the coffee, cook more of his favorite foods, reach out more to him physically, but in a non sexual way. He really loves it when I do physical things with him like canoeing. I enjoy it too, but I was spending more "me" time while I was in the A. I feel like if I focus more on him that the sex may come later.

I realize that you all say that it will be living a lie or pretending, but I was very good at compartmentalizing during the A. I just haven't let go enough yet, I can't understand why I can't get the exOM out of my head. It is so illogical and frustrating.

Apart from my son coming down the other night when we were arguing, they do not see an unhappy home. They don't see my H and I showing public displays of affection, but we both give them lots of hugs and tuck them in and tell them we love them. We both really do, so much.

My H and I sleep in the same bed every night. We have never slept apart. I am making an effort to go to bed as the same time as him. We sleep next to each other.

NH, I don't think you want to know my reasoning behind the not sleeping naked or getting undressed in front of my H. It is distorted thinking.

[SoulStorm]

I realize that you all say that it will be living a lie or pretending, but I was very good at compartmentalizing during the A

 

You think that is a good thing?? Being able to compartmentalize??? Compartmentalization of this kind leads to trouble.

 

Belle..I'm going to apologize to you for being harsh and judgmental. I realize that this is a hard situation. I don't hate you..I don't really know you..I just hate what you are doing to yourself and your family.

 

Sex is important in marriage..tis is true, but you have now opened yourself up to another man and that door is not easily closed.

 

Having contact and reminiscing about encounters are not going to help you improve anything as far as your marriage is concerned.

 

You view your husband as a brother because YOU made him that way in your sight.

Be flirty with him..without the alcohol. Tease him. You have to make him feel sexy. It is you who want it so you go after it. You never know..you might spark him back into the way he was during the dating phase.

 

Sex with OM was the way it was because it was new to you both..Time would change that and soon it would become vanilla too. It is what you make it. Do that with your H.

There is nothing that can turn a man on like a woman who knows how to entice...be that for your H. Not OM. Do it for you and your family.

 

You are living a lie..yes, but don't make your H live it because you can't get over some scumbag who would use your vulnerability to have sex with you.

I say the things I do for shock value at times, but the truth of the matter is..I really don't want you to destroy your family. Sadly..the way you're going eventually will.

I really do wish for you to do the right thing...for you and your family.

 

I will not be posting to you anymore...it is painful to watch and sad. I've seen this many times.

I wish you the best.

[Owl]

OK...I truly AM done on this thread now. I have no hope for your situation.

 

Something will have to massively change before anything will get better.

 

I believe we're all going to have to wait until that happens before any real chance to provide useful advice will help.

[Wanderer25]

She is falling back into the fog. She will be in affair mode in no time.

 

You did nothing until now.

 

Did not confess

Did not quit job

Did not ensure NC.

Still idealizing OM and defending him.

 

 

Your poor kids. Please do the right thing bella.

Edited April 18, 2012 by Wanderer25

[Lexygirl]

Right now I would say, yes, I miss the sex with the OM very much and I've stopped going to bed naked or getting undressed in front of my H. That is what I did when I was in the A because I felt like I was betraying the OM...sick I know.

 

 

[Lexygirl]

Dear Belle,

I suggest you spend the time you have online... looking for another job !

That is your first step.

Second step is to make sure your counselor is helping you decide ACTIONS in your life. If it isn't... find someone else who will.

 

Girl, it's time for action.....

You're either IN or you're OUT... decide and make steps towards your decision... it's called being a mature adult....

NO MORE excuses.

[playedfool]

Belle- I read most of your thread because I wanted to see if I could find some understanding of why my wife did what she did. The similarities between you and her are scary. There are some differences though.

 

I discovered her affair, which at first I thought was just one. She minimized it and wanted to work on "us." Put the affair behind us. We have young kids so I decided to try. But, I also kept digging for more info on the affair. I told her if she could keep such secrets in our marriage, so could I. And that secrecy and lying was not healthy for our marriage.

 

We had been going to MC for about 2 years at that point. We agreed that she would answer 5 questions of mine during MC. I picked the worst questions I could think of, confident that she couldn't do those things. I was wrong. She answered yes to each question. Each yes was a dagger in my chest.

 

A year and a half later, we are still together. She's very remorseful and is doing everything right to keep out marriage going. I'm not over her infidelity by a long shot. My pride struggles with my duty to my family (kids) almost daily. It's difficult.

 

She could have told me early on in her first affair, but chose not too. The reconciliation would have been much easier then. Now it's very difficult. The longer you wait to tell your H, the tougher it will be. My wife used to say she didn't feel emotionally attached to me. She couldn't be, because she was f*king other men. Now I'm not really emotionally attached to her and she suspects it. She did say after dDay that it was like sobering up from a horrible nightmare, or drinking binge. It hasn't been easy, but she seems to be in a better place personally.

 

You're not doing yourself, or you husband any favors by the continued deception. Your H will find out and things will be much worse.

[Bellechica]

Playedfool,

I do feel like I have an addiction. I tuck my kids in bed and feel guilty just knowing that within me is the compulsion to want and desire the OM. I hate still wanting him. I get physically sick at times. My rational brain says "stop this! You can choose to do the right thing!" "wake up idiot!" then at times I'm low and wanting the "fix".....just selfishly wanting "it".

 

And sorry for irking and frustrating....this forum and SI are the places where I'm at least honest and I'm not running to another man.

 

Playedfool, it may be too personal for you to say but what were your five questions? What kind of questions do BHs ask of WWs?

[96nole]

OK I haven't read this entire threat. So excuse me if this has already been covered.

Bella: have you just thrown you H on the bed and just taken him? I know whenever my soon to be ex did that, it got me even hotter and we would have some intense sex. Men get tired of having to initiate sex. It makes us feel desired as well when the woman takes control. if you spend half as much of your time and energy with your H as you do trying to hide the affair, you may be surprised. I know if my soon to be ex did that, well, I wouldn't be posting here.

[Bellechica]

Lexy, yes I'm in limbo and I fear I'm trying to keep from going back to cake eater mode.

 

96nole, you know what? That might help. I've always been the primary initiator for sex but I used to do exactly what you described. In our first few years together, I was always the sex crazed woman for him. That's who he married then I started becoming more passive in initiating such as just wearing lingere or being naked. It might be my fault our sex life all these years is blah. He asked me not to pressure too much but maybe if I make him feel sexy it might get better. I admit that I've been only passively initiating. I'm the one who changed....of course now the As haunt me when I think about sex....

[96nole]

Bella, I don't think you should claim it's all your fault your sex life is blah. But I think it's time you take charge. You've taken charge with the A. Now it's time to take charge of you M and your sex life with your H. Then afterwards, tell him you would love for him to be a little more aggressive. it would make you feel like a sexy woman. The affair is fake. Your M and your H are real. your affair, should you pursue it will become like your M. So spend your time on your M.

[Artie Lang]

they are both accountable for the problems within the marriage, but she is 100% responsible for the affair.

 

Belle, have you guys sought professional help for his disfunction, because there is obviously something wrong? you can't deny his sex drive(labido) is lacking for some reason- either physical or psychological.

 

maybe he's become asexual. it's been known to happen.

[Bellechica]

I'm wont blame my H for my choices but I do think I changed since we got married. We know what we are marrying right? I had men prior to my marriage with whom I had more lust, but they were not "marrying material". I married my H because we had all the pieces that fit. He is my soul mate but I have let him out of my heart.