New here. Married woman who had affair and just ended for good I hope

[Bellechica]

I shouldn't expect him to be more aggressive if I knew that is what I was getting in to. I cant change the game

[Furious]

Are you sexually attracted to your husband, if he initiated more sex would that solve the problem?

[Wanderer25]

You are tested for std's right? if you are, make it a mission to have sex with him atleast once this week

[2sunny]

I'm wont blame my H for my choices but I do think I changed since we got married. We know what we are marrying right? I had men prior to my marriage with whom I had more lust, but they were not "marrying material". I married my H because we had all the pieces that fit. He is my soul mate but I have let him out of my heart.

 

You can change that Belle... It's up to YOU to have an open heart ONLY for your H.

 

Try connecting mentally and emotionally. When you interact make eye contact and actually LISTEN to what he says. Pay attention to HIS needs in a loving manner. Respect him for who and what he is. Honor all of him.

[playedfool]

Playedfool, it may be too personal for you to say but what were your five questions? What kind of questions do BHs ask of WWs?

 

Belle, I can't remember exactly what the five were but they went something like this: What excuses did you use to cover up your affair? Did you cheat before we were married? What happened with your AP the night I asked you about the A? Did you have sex with him in our marriage bed? Was there more than one guy?

 

I didn't expect her to say yes to all of them. The questions were asked by me to discover a pattern of behavior. I stayed for the kids, not for her. Things are better now, but I can't honestly say I love her. I have a hard time believing she loves me. Maybe that will change over time. I want my kids to be happy, and I don't think they should go through D over this. I won't ever feel the same about my WW again. She deceived me for so long.

[Wanderer25]

Belle, I can't remember exactly what the five were but they went something like this: What excuses did you use to cover up your affair? Did you cheat before we were married? What happened with your AP the night I asked you about the A? Did you have sex with him in our marriage bed? Was there more than one guy?

 

I didn't expect her to say yes to all of them. The questions were asked by me to discover a pattern of behavior. I stayed for the kids, not for her. Things are better now, but I can't honestly say I love her. I have a hard time believing she loves me. Maybe that will change over time. I want my kids to be happy, and I don't think they should go through D over this. I won't ever feel the same about my WW again. She deceived me for so long.

 

 

I think staying for the kids is a very bad reason to remain in the marriage. With proper care from both sides, they will be fine even after a divorce. You can see many stories where the kids(now adults) wished that the parents separated instead of them living together with resentment. Can you tell me how old you, your wife and the kids are?

[Bellechica]

At least I wouldn't have to answer "yes" to all of the questions.

2sunny, I do want to reconnect. I've been trying and so has he. I find my husband to be very handsome, but I have lost the sexy feeling for him. I wish he would just take charge and *f**k my brains out. Sorry for the bluntness but I just wish he would take control over me. He is just so nice and polite and when we have sex he really does want me to have pleasure. I am an active participant but the last time we did it which was about a couple of weeks ago, I just felt like I was going through the motions. It felt weird and I felt resentment like I had to do it. I was the initiator but I did it because I thought it would help us connect.

[SomedayDig]

Ok...ok...enough is enough. Belle, you want your H to f**k your brains out instead of being what he is (which as you say wants YOU to have pleasure and is nice to you). What in THEEE F**K is wrong with you?! Get the hell out of your fantasy world and wake the f up. You felt weird because of the guilt and the shame that you have and you would rather bottle all that up and resent HIM!! You want your H to act like your OM. Plain and simple. As Alice said, you really are a piece of work. As a matter of fact, you make me pretty f'ng sick.

[Artie Lang]

Alice & Dig, i can totally sympathize with your reaction to Belle's posts.

 

Dig, i know your story; and Alice, i can only surmize that you are also a BS.

 

thing is, Belle's post are an insight into what a WS is thinking. even though you might not agree with her thought process, it's vital information that might help you, and any other BS for that matter, better understand the thought process of your own respective WS's-- what was going on in their heads. just my opinion.

Edited April 19, 2012 by Artie Lang

[Bellechica]

Alice and Dig, I have plenty of self loathing but thanks for reminding me that I'm crap. Alice, I am still just trying to resist going back to the A. I know the things I say are shocking and destorted. As I said, my "thinking" and emotions change constantly.

 

I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and sometimes I vomit. The thing is that I don't know if I'm vomiting because I feel guilt or if it because I think, "is this going to be the day the cycle starts over and I get back in the A?"

It is a weak and out of control feeling.

 

Wanting something that you know is wrong and hurtful. Each time I ended it, the subsequent times of ending it were worse. I feel that I'm getting weaker not stronger. I'm thankful I'm going away with my H this weekend.

 

I feel like a perverse and sick soul. I'm accomplished in my career and by all appearances, in my personal life as well, but inside I'm still just longing for a "fix".

[Artie Lang]

I feel that I'm getting weaker not stronger.

 

weak? in what context? as in being pulled back into the affair?

 

you are in limbo right now, Belle.

 

if you were to confess, you'd have a sense of direction-- either reconciliation or divorce. right now, you're playing a balancing act between the affair and your marriage.

[Bellechica]

Artie, I know you're right as is everyone else. Quiting on my own is proving harder than I thought.

 

Ninja's Husband and I both have our heads in the sand.

[Wanderer25]

You want to go back to the affair?

[2sunny]

Belle - just stay only in this moment! Don't look back and don't think ahead!

 

Do your best! You can do this!

 

Have you read the book by don Miguel Ruiz "the four agreements"?

 

You may benefit from it - it's a quick easy read!

 

It could change your perspective!

 

Just do your best for today.

[Owl]

I know it's wasted effort, but I'm going to say this again.

 

This is yet ONE MORE reason she should tell her H. So that he can help her be ACCOUNTABLE for her actions, and can help her refrain from falling back into the affair.

 

Bella...get off your butt, and CHOOSE one man to be with.

 

Then...tell the other one it's over.

 

And live your life already, and let these men you claim to love live theirs.

[Bellechica]

I don't want to go back in the A. I want the thoughts in my head to go away. I want to be held and cry.

 

I want to know my kids are going to be ok and happy.

 

I want to be in love with my H again.

 

Sunny I'm going to check the book.

 

I know I haven't taken all the advice given here but somehow it helps being able to talk to you all. The perspective from all the various views and each person's story help with processing thoughts.

 

Alice, I would like to know your story if you'd ever be willing to share.

[Owl]

OK...you don't want to go back to the affair.

 

That 'means' you're choosing your H, yes?

 

Then tell him that.

 

There's no way you're going to "be held and cry" without that.

[manup]

This thread is getting boring, OP is way crazier than most WW's I've read about.

[mercy]

This thread is getting boring, OP is way crazier than most WW's I've read about.

 

She sought attention from two men and now strangers on the internet. Neither is a healthy way to heal ones troubled soul.

 

This is one thread I won't be reading again. I don't think all this attention is helping her. I'm sorry for you bellechica, I really am.

[nofool4u]

I am still just trying to resist going back to the A.

 

*sigh*. And by your very own admission right there, THIS IS WHY YOU NEED TO COME CLEAN. Because you are never going to learn a gd thing until someone else holds your feet to the fire.

 

All you are learning is you can get away with it if you cowardly keep your mouth shut.

 

You know what, just set your husband free from you so he can get on with his life and find someone that won't continually and endlessly disrespect him?

Doesn't he deserve to find someone like that?

[anne1707]

Belle

 

Another reason to tell your H (apart from it being the least that you owe him), is that it will probably help you finally figure out who/what you really want. At the moment, your head says H and your body says OM. If you tell your H as you should, then it finally puts you in the position where you could lose your marriage. If you still drift as you are doing so now then you should leave your H because you really don't want to be with him. If however you find yourself wanting to fight for your marriage with all your strength then that means it is your H who you really want.

 

You have to take your head out of the sand and force the issue otherwise this is just going to drag on and on making your life and your H's life progressively more miserable just so you can save face. You wish your H would take the initiative in bed, how about you take the initiative in working on your marriage properly.

[Wanderer25]

bella, how does the OM compare physically to your H(lookswise). Ever did something with him that you never did with your H?

[Black Jack]

bella, how does the OM compare physically to your H(lookswise). Ever did something with him that you never did with your H?

 

What does that have to do with her destroying her marriage?

[stillafool]

 

Alice, I would like to know your story if you'd ever be willing to share.

 

Right now you need to be worried about your own story. Have you already slept with this man or kissed him this week? Stop being so weak and stand for something Belle. If you truly want to know that your kids will be okay stop what you are doing and make some choices and take action. You are not a little girl and you are acting like one. Have you told you IC that you want to go back to the OM?

[Wanderer25]

What does that have to do with her destroying her marriage?

 

1)She mentioned somewhere that she was afraid of how her husband will react when he finds out who she had an affair with. Considering the trend of woman having affairs with men much worse looking than their H, i am curious.

 

 

2) Doing things with the OM that she never did/offered to her husband gives some insight into her loyalty to her OM and the affair.