stillafool Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 Stillafool, I just didn't go to IC this week because of work and the trip tomorrow with my H. I'm still here because I get a lot from reading various threads. I also do not want to turn to anyone I know about what I've done. I honestly didn't think I'd end up in an A with OM. I didn't see him that way....I viewed him as a friend. I hadn't done much research at that point about affairs, and I didn't recognize my boundary issues or lack of self esteem. Belle I sense the man you are having the affair with is black. Is that the main reason you can't confess to your husband about the affair? You said you already know that your h wouldn't forgive you for the affair. Is this the reason why you said that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bellechica Posted April 20, 2012 Author Share Posted April 20, 2012 2Sunny, no I haven't blocked all means of contact..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bellechica Posted April 20, 2012 Author Share Posted April 20, 2012 Spark, the OM wasn't using me for just sex. He would like to be with me but doesn't want to be the reason I get D. His feelings on that would change on a daily basis. Wanting me fully and resenting I am married then understanding that I can't leave. Yes my OM is AA but I don't think that would be why my H would D. It would be more because the OM has gotten to know my H and because the OM has been rude to one of my Hs best friends. Race would be an issue for my in-laws most certainly and probably my parents.... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 2Sunny, no I haven't blocked all means of contact..... Why not? What are you afraid of? the pain of losing him, never hearing from him again? Good thing is, it's FINAL and over. you can totally let go and focus on fixing your marriage. As soon as you're back from your trip, go to counselling. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 Then take a big step and block all forms of communicating with him. You CAN CHOOSE to do THAT! It will give you some power in focusing your attention on repairing theM and spending time and attention restoring the M. Any distraction or contact is like starting over again. You can do it - just make the decision and take the action to block him. Can you do that today? Link to post Share on other sites
SandieBeach Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 Why not? What are you afraid of? the pain of losing him, never hearing from him again? Good thing is, it's FINAL and over. you can totally let go and focus on fixing your marriage. As soon as you're back from your trip, go to counselling. But it doesn't look like it's final and over though. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 But it doesn't look like it's final and over though. I meant if she has the strength to change her number and make it impossible for him to contact her. And if she is able to end it, it's ONE final swoop of pain - Done and over with. No more rollercoaster ride. Link to post Share on other sites
SandieBeach Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 I meant if she has the strength to change her number and make it impossible for him to contact her. And if she is able to end it, it's ONE final swoop of pain - Done and over with. No more rollercoaster ride. No, I get what you mean. I guess what I am saying is that Belle wants to end it, but in reality, Belle really doesn't want to end it. Right, Bells? Link to post Share on other sites
twosadthings Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 I think you feel/know you've gone past some point of no return and deep down you realize it but can't admit it. I feel you are lying to yourself why you can't disclose to your husband. I hope you are discussing every aspect of your affair with your therapist and as I said in my first post I hope you have a plan to follow when you are discovered. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 But every form of communicating needs to be shut down. I think if you don't do it today - you won't do it. You can send one last text that allows him to understand you are blocking him and to NEVER have contact again. Then immediately block him from email, Facebook, phone IM - everything! Even if you see him somewhere it is important to not even acknowledge that he exists. THAT would show your complete intentions of staying only focused on your H and the M. Your intent is EVERYTHING! If you don't intend to DO this - then you not only don't want to tell your H but you don't intend to end the affair. You can honor your H and the M - but you must eliminate your OM by doing so. If you don't want to block him completely - you then become completely unbelievable - by the evidence of not wanting to end contact with your addiction - the OM. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 Did we lose you now that we actually want to see you take some action? Eliminating him allows you to take some of your power back. Shows evidence that in a small way your words and actions match. Makes you believable. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 Spark, the OM wasn't using me for just sex. He would like to be with me but doesn't want to be the reason I get D. His feelings on that would change on a daily basis. Wanting me fully and resenting I am married then understanding that I can't leave. Yes my OM is AA but I don't think that would be why my H would D. It would be more because the OM has gotten to know my H and because the OM has been rude to one of my Hs best friends. Race would be an issue for my in-laws most certainly and probably my parents.... Bell, bell, bell.... You are a child rebelling against overly strict parents and upbringing. Who was the controlling disapproving disciplinarian? Mommy or Daddy? And now you are projecting those feeling onto your sweet, stable spouse. He bores you, but he is a good guy. Your lover is brash, bold, unstable, macho, moody and rebelling also. You, your lover, and your affair, is very, very, typical. How forbidden. How bad you and he are. How exciting. You both act and feel 17. Get to this in counseling quickly. LS is filled with people who threw a good person over to have the adolescence they were never allowed to have as teenagers. Five years later, when all they had is gone, they wake up alone, or with another childish shmo....and wonder why they self-destructed all they held dear. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 Stillafool, I just didn't go to IC this week because of work and the trip tomorrow with my H. I'm still here because I get a lot from reading various threads. I also do not want to turn to anyone I know about what I've done. I honestly didn't think I'd end up in an A with OM. I didn't see him that way....I viewed him as a friend. I hadn't done much research at that point about affairs, and I didn't recognize my boundary issues or lack of self esteem. Forgive me, but you don't come across as having a lack of self esteem ... quite the opposite actually. Link to post Share on other sites
Wanderer25 Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 (edited) Yes, I did many things with him that I had never done with H. Ain't that a surprise? And why do I feel it much worse now that I find the OM to be a black guy? (I am not a rascist. I have no problem with IR couples. Is it because of the stereotype? The wife f*cking black guys behind the husband's back. No wonder your parents would disown you ) You are the golden girl in the office? I am pretty sure that there is atleast other person in the office that knows about your affair. They havne't been talking in front of you yet. Any scum that goes after a married woman couldn't be trusted to not brag about it.(How he's been f*cking the brains out the white hot momma in the office) Disclaimer: I'm not white either No, I'm not ashamed of him. He is as broken and messed up as me, but he has been to parties at my house where he has offended some people. I actual admire and respect his boldness but because I'm trying to get over him, I try to think about the negative things. He always has some crisis at work. His emotional state changes from one moment to another. He has some trouble at work. My H would have trouble imagining me with him because he is very self absorbed and macho. Stop f*cking glorifying him Edited April 20, 2012 by Wanderer25 Link to post Share on other sites
zsu234 Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 The overwhelming majority of men would absolutely divorce in the case of an IR affair. Just ask any black man what he would do if a white man boned his wife. Unless your husband is a total beta male I think this is what you will be faced with. It also sounds like your husband WILL find out due to this guy being a loose cannon and a hothead. I really don't have any advice for you but I will say you have made a horrible mess for yourself and your family. I think you need to start planning a future for yourself as a single mother. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bellechica Posted April 20, 2012 Author Share Posted April 20, 2012 Spark, my parents weren't strick. They allowed me to do what I wanted; however, my older sister was very rebellious and abusive to my mother. She D after being married 15 years and remarried quickly to a man who physically abuses her. They are both alcoholics. My parents tried every thing to help her, but she chose the man over our family. She was disowned. She is a lost cause. I feel like I'm the only one who can take care of my parents. My mom is a cancer survivor and frankly she can't handle another daughter efing up. There are no other siblings. Link to post Share on other sites
Wanderer25 Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 Spark, my parents weren't strick. They allowed me to do what I wanted; however, my older sister was very rebellious and abusive to my mother. She D after being married 15 years and remarried quickly to a man who physically abuses her. They are both alcoholics. My parents tried every thing to help her, but she chose the man over our family. She was disowned. She is a lost cause. I feel like I'm the only one who can take care of my parents. My mom is a cancer survivor and frankly she can't handle another daughter efing up. There are no other siblings. You come up with all these excuses but why did you not think of them for one sec during the affair? It wasn't a short affair either. You have excuses for everything. Now it is your mother , huh? If your sister was a lost cause, what are you? You still have a chance to repair it. But you are choosing to close your eyes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 Can you please address my last few posts Belle. I'd like to understand what you intend to do - or not do... Link to post Share on other sites
Lois Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 Spark, my parents weren't strick. They allowed me to do what I wanted; however, my older sister was very rebellious and abusive to my mother. She D after being married 15 years and remarried quickly to a man who physically abuses her. They are both alcoholics. My parents tried every thing to help her, but she chose the man over our family. She was disowned. She is a lost cause. I feel like I'm the only one who can take care of my parents. My mom is a cancer survivor and frankly she can't handle another daughter efing up. There are no other siblings. It shows. So did her sister. Clearly you can't. Another daughter already did. And reading between the lines, may do again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 No, I get what you mean. I guess what I am saying is that Belle wants to end it, but in reality, Belle really doesn't want to end it. Right, Bells? She's no different than any other MM who posts or has posted on here. Lighten up on her and focus on helping her. No point in debating how bad affairs are, who's fault is it ... The problem and issue right NOW is helping her get strong enough to a)TOTALLY cut all contact and end the affair for good and b)Guide her to confess the truth to her husband and stick with counselling so she can better herself. her way of thinking/processing/handling things is 'off' and maybe in time all the good advice will sink in and make sense to her. It's hard to take stuff in if you're not in the right frame of mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 (edited) She is also addicted to all the attention she is getting here. This attention is fueling her ego and feeding her obsession with herself. i agree, but in the sense that people are trying to help her out. she comes here to get feedback, something that her husband has neglected. as with OM, we(the posters) are taking the time to try to understand her. this is something her marriage is lacking-- COMMUNICATION. Yes my OM is AA but I don't think that would be why my H would D. It would be more because the OM has gotten to know my H and because the OM has been rude to one of my Hs best friends. Race would be an issue for my in-laws most certainly and probably my parents.... ahhh... now i see why you don't want to confess. your reputation, and that of your family would be tarnished that this OM is African-American. it's all falling into place. i've heard in some instances, it's a double whammy if OM is black.....so i've heard. Edited April 20, 2012 by Artie Lang Link to post Share on other sites
Wanderer25 Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 She's no different than any other MM who posts or has posted on here. Lighten up on her and focus on helping her. No point in debating how bad affairs are, who's fault is it ... The problem and issue right NOW is helping her get strong enough to a)TOTALLY cut all contact and end the affair for good and b)Guide her to confess the truth to her husband and stick with counselling so she can better herself. her way of thinking/processing/handling things is 'off' and maybe in time all the good advice will sink in and make sense to her. It's hard to take stuff in if you're not in the right frame of mind. I think you are right. There isn't much we can do or help by bashing her. We can only support and encourage her when she is doing the right things. But she is so frustrating. I hope she redeems herself. The husband needs to know that he lost/losing her. Maybe she should give him the divorce talk since he is a bit too comfortable about the whole scenario. Then both of them work for the betterment of the marriage Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 I think you are right. There isn't much we can do or help by bashing her. We can only support and encourage her when she is doing the right things. But she is so frustrating. I hope she redeems herself. The husband needs to know that he lost/losing her. Maybe she should give him the divorce talk since he is a bit too comfortable about the whole scenario. Then both of them work for the betterment of the marriage That would just be adding another lie on top of her lies - she doesn't intend to divorce him. I don't think more lies is a solution... Quite the contrary - try honesty! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 The OM is Black? Oh dear. We like to believe that race doesn't matter but it does. It becomes an issue on top of the fact that you had an A. If the R was in the open, it wouldn't be a big deal. About the sex... Belle, can you admit to yourself that the sex with OM is the kind of sex you want and the kind you will not be getting from your H? That this is what is keeping you stuck on your OM. If you can admit that, then you have a big decision to make. The more I read your story the more I think you should get a D. Living this lie, this unfulfilling life is only going to make things worse. I highly doubt that your M can be rebuilt. You love your H like a brother. Unless he agrees to an open M or you open up and confess (and he forgives you), there's no way this M can be rebuilt. Either option involves you talking to your M about how you feel. In fact, it involves you telling the truth...and we know you don't want to do that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 I've asked her to commit to block communication with him and she goes dark. Is avoidance a pattern for you when asked to do something? It's a very passive/aggressive maneuver designed to be unaccountable for any action. Link to post Share on other sites
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