New here. Married woman who had affair and just ended for good I hope

[Ninja'sHusband]

And I seem to be in the minority here. A we who has not divuldged her affair. If you all can recommend a forum for ppl in my situation then I will leave. I guess I'm just trying to turn to someone so I'll never do this again. I don't expect the ws here to understand that an affair is painful to the ws. Yes it's like a drug but it's also like losing yourself and feeling so out of control and hating yourself. I've cried more in the last year over something that helped me escape reality and feel fleetingly good but I never ever want to experience this again.

 

 

If you want to find more people in your boat, I recommend going here:

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity

That particular subforum is for WSs, and the default thread icon means no BSs can respond. This forum(Love Shack) is very BS dominated, you are right about that. Even as a BS it bugs me sometimes, like when I try to stick up for my WW. I get hammered by a lot of members if I give her any ground at all.

 

The people over there are pretty good too, I think they respond a bit less frequently than here so you might have to wait a bit longer, especially on the Wayward side...but might be worth it. You will get trashed if you hang around here much. It's definitely hostile territory.

[Bellechica]

Thank you for your honesty and the last thing I want to do now is cause trouble or pain to anyone hurting. I will check that out. Look I know I have problems and I just want to stop this cycle. I did turn to these other men and it was wrong.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Thank you for your honesty and the last thing I want to do now is cause trouble or pain to anyone hurting. I will check that out. Look I know I have problems and I just want to stop this cycle. I did turn to these other men and it was wrong.

 

NP, I'm glad you are at least going to anonymous people instead of men in your life

 

My nick over on the other site is Mormegil btw.

[Black Jack]

You've cheated on him more than once, with more than one man? How can you expect your relationship to be repaired? It's not about you stopping, you just don't want to stop. If you don't want to stop being with multiple men, I suggest releasing your husband so he can be spared further pain.

[Bellechica]

You've cheated on him more than once, with more than one man? How can you expect your relationship to be repaired? It's not about you stopping, you just don't want to stop. If you don't want to stop being with multiple men, I suggest releasing your husband so he can be spared further pain.

 

I do want to stop that's why I'm here. That's why I've been searching within myself to see how I've gotten to such a low point in my life. I've chosen myself to go cold turkey from my AP and it's truthfully hurting and difficult but I'm doing it. I realize my situation isn't the same as most ppl here but I'm here because I'm not going to ruin my family's life over my own selfish decisions. Affairs hurt everyone involve. My exAP is hurt too but at least he's enough of a friend to stay NC from me.

[bentnotbroken]

I do want to stop that's why I'm here. That's why I've been searching within myself to see how I've gotten to such a low point in my life. I've chosen myself to go cold turkey from my AP and it's truthfully hurting and difficult but I'm doing it. I realize my situation isn't the same as most ppl here but I'm here because I'm not going to ruin my family's life over my own selfish decisions. Affairs hurt everyone involve. My exAP is hurt too but at least he's enough of a friend to stay NC from me.

 

Foggy talk. He is no friend. Never has been. Never will be.

[Black Jack]

I do want to stop that's why I'm here. That's why I've been searching within myself to see how I've gotten to such a low point in my life. I've chosen myself to go cold turkey from my AP and it's truthfully hurting and difficult but I'm doing it. I realize my situation isn't the same as most ppl here but I'm here because I'm not going to ruin my family's life over my own selfish decisions.

 

I'm sorry if this seems a little blunt but honestly, you've already ruined your family by your own actions.

 

The question is how long are you going to keep hurting them.

 

Affairs hurt everyone involve. My exAP is hurt too but at least he's enough of a friend to stay NC from me.

 

Your affair partner's feelings honestly do not matter at this point, nor have they ever been when he decided to engage himself with you covertly at the expense of your husband. And also if he was a true friend, he would've never gotten involved with you that way.

[Bellechica]

I thank you all for your candid and honest responses. As I have said, I've been doing a lot of reading about infidelity and how to repair my marriage. Many affairs end without a Dday and I'm sorry if it disappoints anyone here that I haven't had one although I know it's still possible that it may happen after the fact. My family isn't ruined. I am willing to live with the guilt of my actions as I am the one who made the wrong decisions. If I can't work out the issues in my marriage, I'll divorce before I ever seek comfort from another man.

[SoulStorm]

I thank you all for your candid and honest responses. As I have said, I've been doing a lot of reading about infidelity and how to repair my marriage. Many affairs end without a Dday and I'm sorry if it disappoints anyone here that I haven't had one although I know it's still possible that it may happen after the fact. My family isn't ruined. I am willing to live with the guilt of my actions as I am the one who made the wrong decisions. If I can't work out the issues in my marriage, I'll divorce before I ever seek comfort from another man.

 

Omission does not help a marriage in the case of infidelity. Lady..you and your AP HAVE ruined your family.

You truly think you can live with this guilt the rest of your married life and not think it will affect others around you?

You won't be completely healthy to have a healthy marriage. It is naive to think so.

Your marriage from this point forth will be based on dishonesty and lies..and that foundation is feeble.

If your BH does find out on his own 5, 10, 20 years from now..your marriage up to that point will be a lie to your BH and your family.

 

Don't think so? Google "94 year old man divorces wife after finding out she cheated when they were in their 20's"

 

You have made bad choices by having affairs..you will make even worse ones by keeping your BH in the dark.

[michelangelo]

I'm not here for a popularity contest. I'm here to stop this behavior.

 

It is impossible to stop the behavior without enlisting your best asset--your husband.

 

The price of your cheating with two different men very well could be the end of your marriage. But you know what? You have already destroyed it.

 

Your husband just doesn't know it yet because you are good at hiding your true self.

 

That said, your husband if he knew the truth from you may just decide to after expressing pain and sadness to move forward with you.

 

But that really should be his choice , not yours.

 

You clearly have some issue with wanting other men or just can't say no kind of issue.

 

Get professional help for that, get yourself tested for STDs and figure out the best way with that professional help to reveal your infidelities to your husband.

 

Grow into a healthy life.

[Bellechica]

I'm growing and learning and yes I can say "no". I think the affairs happened because I didn't feel alive and I didn't appreciate what long term deep love can be. I'm not a sex addict but it's true that being married isn't like new being in love feeling. I appreciate now the deeper love and you all can condemn me and disagree with my choices but we each have different lives and no one here truly knows mine.

[bentnotbroken]

Improving any relationship starts with respect for that relationship. You have shown no respect for your marriage and continue to disrespect it by not giving your husband a choice in his life. Prepare for divorce because that is where your actions are leading you.

[Bryanp]

So you have had no problem putting your husband's health at risk for STD's for the past one year with two different men. How would you feel if your husband betrayed you this way and did not even have the decency to tell you the truth? This is not all about you. He also has a right to know and make decisions of whether he wishes to remain in the marriage.

 

Sorry but you are still cheating on him by refusing to allow him the information he deserves to know as a spouse. You both need to get tested for STD's. I guess it is all about you only and your husband should be kept in the dark so you can continue to make him look like a fool. You must truly detest your husband.

[mercy]

I'm growing and learning and yes I can say "no". I think the affairs happened because I didn't feel alive and I didn't appreciate what long term deep love can be. I'm not a sex addict but it's true that being married isn't like new being in love feeling. I appreciate now the deeper love and you all can condemn me and disagree with my choices but we each have different lives and no one here truly knows mine.

 

Don't allow fear to color the truth.

 

Face the consequences, be brave!

[Chi townD]

I told him again that I'm unhappy and that if we don't reconnect with each other our marriage is over.

 

Wow, I love how you made this HIS fault. Making it his responsibility to make you happy or you're walking. Nice strong arm there! Problem is he never disconnected. YOU did with your affairs. What was his fault is not realizing that you disconnected from the marriage to sleep with other men.

 

So, I'm guessing that you've had unprotected sex with these men and you've probably been having unprotected sex with your husband. Thus, putting his life at risk and he doesn't even know it. And don't tell me that you used protection EVERY TIME in an 11 month affair.

[findingnemo]

Bellechica,

 

I know you are scared and it seems easier to "forget" about the As and put all the effort you can into your M. Here's the problem... Your M is a partnership between two people. If indeed there are issues, you both need to work on them. Your plan is to do everything YOU can to sort things out. Imagine this... You do all the work and your H isn't as serious. You'd get frustrated.

 

You can't rebuild this marriage on your own however much you feel like the problem, however much effort you intend to put in. This is one of those things where you have to swallow a bitter pill in order to get better. Which is it? To live with a lie for the rest of your life, sacrifice your happiness because every wrong thing your H does you'll forgive because you know you secretly did worse? Or to tell the truth and try to sort this out properly.

 

Whether you tell or don't tell, you won't be able to control how your M works or turns put in the future without the help and full participation of your H.

[JustJoe]

Bella, I'm a former OM, myself, so I have no axe to grind. A good marriage is built on love, respect , honesty and communication. How are you going to rebuild your marriage if you don't show ALL of these to your husband? Like many other WS'S, you are so deluded that you actually believe that continued lying to your husband is a good thing. An analogy: If you were a murderer, you would never admit it so as to cause the family of the person you murdered less pain? Does this make any sense to you? That is what you are doing by not telling your husband the truth. You are evading the just punishment for your actions, and using the pain you might or might not cause to others as an excuse to let yourself off the hook. does this sound like a good marriage to you?

[nofool4u]

I know I need to make my marriage work. I know I have to live with guilt but I can't tell him what happened.

 

Why not?

 

 

I told him again that I'm unhappy and that if we don't reconnect with each other our marriage is over.

He has listened and we are both giving 100 percent into building a stronger marriage.

 

You aren't giving 100% if you are going to continue to lie to him and keep the secret about who you are from him.

 

 

I know I can't have any contact with the other man if I want my marriage to survive, but unfortunately it's not making me forget my affair partner. *I miss talking to him and I miss our friendship. We were friends before all this devastation happened, and I fear we will never be friends again.

 

You can never be friends with him again. Because first, you crossed that line already, no longer friends. And second, if you stay in your marriage, staying "friends" with him is disrespectful to your husband.

 

So if you are working on your marriage, you can never be in contact with the OM, even if you think there is such a thing as just being friends with him again, because there isn't.

[nofool4u]

Affairs hurt everyone involve. My exAP is hurt too

 

Trying to garner sympathy here? The only one deserving of sympathy is your husband.

[Bellechica]

I'm not here for sympathy. I'm here to make certain I never have another A and yes you're right I can no longer have my ExAP as a friend. I will maintain NC. It's best I know nothing about him. I hope he finds a good person to be his wife.

[stillafool]

I'm not here for sympathy. I'm here to make certain I never have another A and yes you're right I can no longer have my ExAP as a friend. I will maintain NC. It's best I know nothing about him. I hope he finds a good person to be his wife.

 

I don't think anyone here can make certain you never have another affair on your husband. I think you would do well to get some independent counseling with a good therapist to find out first why you make these choices. That is your best option.

[JustJoe]

Bella, I've got an idea, why don't you show your husband some REAL love and respect and tell the truth?

[Bellechica]

I feel like I'm the only woman on here who's ever decided to end an affair on her own. I realize I'm in the minority but I wish you all were not so judgmental. You do not know me nor my exAP. I am not idealizing him when I say he deserves a good woman. He divorced because his own wife cheated on him years ago. No one sets out to have an affair. It's been the most painful experience of my life. I am chosing a better path and searching for what has led me this point. Yes I'm seeking IC but I wish you all could see that ppl can choose to try to change without causing more pain. Yes society judges and it seems ww are the most harshly judged.

[SoulStorm]

No one sets out to have an affair.

 

Not true..some people do seek them out. As in exit affair.

But even if you don't set out to have one, shouldn't you know how to stop it before it becomes one?

[Ninja'sHusband]

I agree with Alice, the lies are the worst thing. Really. My daughter threw part of her dinner away one night. Then she lied when I asked about the food in the trash can. Guess what I was more angry about? The lie!!

 

There are plenty of books that say the same thing as well. "Good Divorce" is one that comes to mind clearly where it says the A is not the things that usually destroys the M, it's the web of lies and deceit. You are *continuing* the worst part of the betrayal! The A is over, but the lies continue. If you come clean you have a greater chance of surviving "D-Day" than if you do not. I read numbers somewhere on that...can't find them. Anyone know?