findingnemo Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Belle You started this thread three weeks ago. Since then, do you feel as you have learnt anything and changed anything as a result? Have your feelings towards the exOM and your H changed in anyway? Have your actions changed in anyway? Have you taken any positive steps to help your marriage? I ask because whilst some say that you have progressed, I struggle to see that. IMO you are still using the same logic and thought processes that you used when you came to LS. You are still in the affair, you still romanticise the OM whilst you describe your feelings for your H as "brotherly love". The way things are, as I see them, your marriage does not stand a chance unless you actually do something rather than talk yourself around various excuses for continuing to do nothing. ^^^^Or...you don't really love your H, Belle. You are doing this because you think it's the right thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 I've got no further advice to offer at this point. Until/unless something changes in Bella's sitaution...there's nothing more left to say. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 My H is quiet but he isn't weird. He can be very sociable. We have lots of friends. He is very hard working and truly good at just about anything he sets out to do. He is handsome, gentile, easy going, loyal, well-mannered. I can't tell you how many times people have told me how great he is. He has never had an enemy. At his office Xmas party, countless women came up and told me that he is so easy to get along with. I cringe inside because I look at him and ask myself how in the hell I have done this? Which is why, only if you want to do right by him, you need to let him decide for himself and give him the option of staying with you, or finding a faithful woman. I know I have boundary issues, but there must be something seriously wrong with me to risk everything for an A. Don't you mean 2 affairs? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Anne, I do love my husband. It's not that crazy, romantic, I am in love with him kind of love, but I believe that is because my stupid brain is still wrapped up and having thoughts of exOM even though they're hate thoughts at times. I really try not to think of him, but yes, stillafool, seeing him at work, only occasionally makes it hard. I am looking for another job. Anne, I love my husband. We enjoy so much together. We biked 20+ miles today. We went to lunch. We discussed the fact that we have both being drinking too much. I apologized for being bitchy last night. I am sorry I got upset. I think I'm still in the EA and I'm doing things to push my H away. I don't know why I did it. My H talked about our son coming down last night and how much we hurt him. We both felt horrible. We know we can be better. Owl, it's possible my H might suspect something but I really think he doesn't want to know. I wouldn't if he had ended an A and loved only me. Yes, Anne I see us growing old together even if it is a brotherly kind of love. We are in general kind to each other and put each other first. Today, we discussed how our relationship has changed. We have been in our new house two years. We talked about how everything was simpler in our first house. Small but united. Now we are in this big place and keeping up with the "joneses". It's not who we are. We vowed to do the things we used to: family game night, less electronics, more cooking together, etc. These are ways we connected....just the four of us. Nemo, my fears: 1. Something harming my famiy's health and happiness (I'm aware that I made choices that could harm them the most) 2. Having the A outed and destroying my parent's view of me. I'm all they have...... 3. Having my H reputation harmed because of my actions 4. My kid's losing their home And the argument I had with my H last night was just stupid. We both actually love each other's parents. I especially like my Mother-in-law. How many women can say that? My family loves my H. In fact, if they knew what I've done they would probably disown me..... He doesn't need the pain I've caused. I lost my way.....I really just f**ked up big time. I know I seem like I'm mentally ill. My emotions are all over the place. I feel safe with my H...I feel calmer... That's good that you two are talking and have agreed the drinking was not helping matters. Also if your husband is having sexual problems the drinking if for certain not helping him in that department. BTW, did you tell your h that you need more sex. You have to talk about this issue whether he likes it or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bellechica Posted April 17, 2012 Author Share Posted April 17, 2012 (edited) Anne, and everyone.....I don't know how much has really changed since I first posted. Two steps forward...two steps back..... My emotions change from moment to moment which does make me feel crazy: Fear, guilt, and afraid at times.... Then safe when I'm with me H Then lonely and longing for a "fix" with OM and I know I could so easily get it. I want these thoughts to go away. I don't think I've changed enough..... How can I feel guilty one moment and then feel tempted the next? It's irrational and wreckless and would just start the cycle over. I feel weak and sickly and I used to be strong before I had the A. Someone said telling my H would provide all I need: a way to forget OM, accountability for my actions, the love and support I need..... This all seems logical and rational to me. I understand that it might be possible, but I feel like I've lost all sense of self and ability to think clearly. This is dangerous.....it's wrong and I know it. I know NH said he had to take a break from posting....that might be good for me..... Edited April 17, 2012 by Bellechica Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bellechica Posted April 17, 2012 Author Share Posted April 17, 2012 I'm not going to bring up the sex issue again.....it has not felt really right for me the last time we did it....I am not sure if it matters too much any more. I'd rather just have loving touches like hand holding..... Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 You know what you SHOULD do. You just don't want to do it. All I can do at this point is hope that something changes in your situation. Either something causes you to have to tell your H, or that your H finds out on his own. Neither option is likely to turn out as well as if you'd told him yourself proactively...but frankly that too is just one more result of your choices. Good luck to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wanderer25 Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Talk through a 3 rd party. MC or sex therapist. The same conflict avoidance led to the affair. You need to tell him and make sure he understands what the issue is. You cannot live the rest of your life like this. If he choses to not react after that, it is on him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Belle You started this thread three weeks ago. Since then, do you feel as you have learnt anything and changed anything as a result? Have your feelings towards the exOM and your H changed in anyway? Have your actions changed in anyway? Have you taken any positive steps to help your marriage? I ask because whilst some say that you have progressed, I struggle to see that. IMO you are still using the same logic and thought processes that you used when you came to LS. You are still in the affair, you still romanticise the OM whilst you describe your feelings for your H as "brotherly love". The way things are, as I see them, your marriage does not stand a chance unless you actually do something rather than talk yourself around various excuses for continuing to do nothing. You have not answered the bolded. What have you actually done to change the situation? Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 I'm not going to bring up the sex issue again.....it has not felt really right for me the last time we did it....I am not sure if it matters too much any more. I'd rather just have loving touches like hand holding..... ????? And that's a recipe for A after A, Belle. Are you such an avoidant that you'd prefer to live your life like this than do what you have to do? Link to post Share on other sites
silic0ntoad Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 I haven't posted on these forums in a good while, but under a google search for fun this one popped up. I spent a few hours, reading through this horribe tale of self hate and abuse, and couldn't stop myself. I'm calling this for what it is, and honestly, I am calling it all a lie. You've proven you are unable to tell the truth, Belle. You're lying to yourself, you're lying to the good folks on this forum, and you're lying to your friends and family. One thing you've consistently denied answering, and side stepped, is the power you control over this situation, in that your husband has no choice but to assume there's something amiss and try to work on it. You're gaslighting. You're controlling a situation you have no control over because you made a piss poor decision, and repeated that decision with another man some time after the first mistake. Let's get to the damned point, shall we? You aren't interested in salvaging your marriage to your husband. You're interested in retaining the comfortable lifestyle he provides, and this inner conflict you're having is because you secretly WANT to be with OM and retain the comfort of the family and stability (if you could call it that) your husband provides. Your continued claims point to a me,me,me attitude, and it is downright atrocious. DO US ALL A FAVOR. STOP BULLSHI*TING EVERYONE HERE. Let's get this straight - there is ONE WAY to fix your marriage. Tell your husband everything. Personally, I am hoping you don't, and that he finds out, and kicks your rotten self to the curb. But I digress; again, I ask, Why are you denying him the choice to determine HIS life? Is this some delusional, sick power game? If that's the case, then do yourself a favor and leave the M, because this is so delusioned. You're obviously still in love with the other man. Stop trying to convince yourself you love your husband, because your selfishness and ingloriousness is absolutely legendary. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SandieBeach Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 ????? And that's a recipe for A after A, Belle. Are you such an avoidant that you'd prefer to live your life like this than do what you have to do? Seriously, Belle! Why should you have to settle for that?? And while handholding can be enough for a few months, you'll just get restless again and find another AP. I just really don't understand you WS who will make up your effing mind about the BS and how he or she just doesn't want or like sex. My friggin' H decided for ME that I didn't like or want sex (yes, very general), and proceeded to screw some chick. I very much wanted it, but not with him because we were having all kinds of issues... Now that we are talking about it, our sex life seems to be better than ever...DON'T ASSUME you know your H and what he wants without ever talking to him about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The Blue Knight Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Seriously, Belle! Why should you have to settle for that?? And while handholding can be enough for a few months, you'll just get restless again and find another AP. I just really don't understand you WS who will make up your effing mind about the BS and how he or she just doesn't want or like sex. My friggin' H decided for ME that I didn't like or want sex (yes, very general), and proceeded to screw some chick. I very much wanted it, but not with him because we were having all kinds of issues... Now that we are talking about it, our sex life seems to be better than ever...DON'T ASSUME you know your H and what he wants without ever talking to him about it. I love reading your somewhat bipolar comments Sandie. I sat here actually cracking up when I read this. Your emotions are all over the place when you type certain posts. But you're most entertaining. Link to post Share on other sites
SandieBeach Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 I love reading your somewhat bipolar comments Sandie. I sat here actually cracking up when I read this. Your emotions are all over the place when you type certain posts. But you're most entertaining. Haha, yes - I totally work myself up! It's like there is this constant struggle between a woman who's immensely hurt by her husband's stupid actions, and a logical, level-headed person who understand that it's in human nature to F-up . Link to post Share on other sites
The Blue Knight Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Haha, yes - I totally work myself up! It's like there is this constant struggle between a woman who's immensely hurt by her husband's stupid actions, and a logical, level-headed person who understand that it's in human nature to F-up . I'm sure the husband prefers the logical and level-headed version of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 I'm sure the guys will back me up one this one. When something's amiss in our M, and our W's are not being forthright, or distant about what's wrong, what do we guys do? Blame ourselves. I must not being doing A, B, or C, or maybe if I didn't do this, and did that, this will fix this. It's a guessing game. It all boils down to; my W's not happy and it's my fault. More times than not, it isn't. But, we don't know for the lack of communication. So, here you are not communicating about the true issue which is driving a wedge into your M. If you think your H doesn't know something's off, and something's amiss, then not only are you not being truthful to him, but you are also deceiving yourself. Us guys are fixers. If it's broke, we want to fix it. No matter the reasons, your M is broke. If it wasn't, you wouldn't have engaged in an A. So, my point is, how can your H honestly help you fix your M, if he doesn't know why it's broke. He can't. He will just continue in the current cycle of frustration. You both feel frustration and guilt. You, because what you've done, and the lack of freedom that confession and forgives will bring you. He, because he thinks he's done something wrong, but doesn't have a clue what it is. You know what the right thing to do is, you're just afraid to do it. Sometimes you just have to pray and take that leap of faith. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 I'm not going to bring up the sex issue again.....it has not felt really right for me the last time we did it....I am not sure if it matters too much any more. I'd rather just have loving touches like hand holding..... Tell the truth Belle. I think you don't want sex with your husband as much as he doesn't want to have sex with you. I think you are missing and mourning the sex you had with OM so stop blaming your h for your lack of sex in your marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bellechica Posted April 18, 2012 Author Share Posted April 18, 2012 My thoughts change from moment to moment as do my emotions. Right now I would say, yes, I miss the sex with the OM very much and I've stopped going to bed naked or getting undressed in front of my H. That is what I did when I was in the A because I felt like I was betraying the OM...sick I know. My H doesn't seem to mind going without sex. The majority of our M has been lacking sex. I do love my H. I love doing things with him. We share so many interests and have fun together we just don't have much sex. Nemo, I will answer something you asked awhile back....something about what would I do if there were no kids in the M. Or maybe Anne asked that.... I have really thought about it....I might just be staying and trying to make my M work to please my parents and for my kids. My H and I aren't unhappy though....we simply lack passion I have been posting less in this thread as I really don't want to waste anyone's time. But to answer the question about sex....yes I miss it with the OM. Link to post Share on other sites
Wanderer25 Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 Just let us know when you end up having sex with him eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 If you end up with the OM, the passion level will drop eventually. You will end up exactly where you are now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 I feel so very sorry for your husband. Poor man. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ninja'sHusband Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 I've stopped going to bed naked or getting undressed in front of my H. That is what I did when I was in the A because I felt like I was betraying the OM...sick I know. I don't understand this. You were being naked around your BH because you felt you were betraying....the OM? If you had said it was becase you were betraying BH, it would have made more sense. If you feel guilty for betraying the OM...wouldn't you just D? But to answer the question about sex....yes I miss it with the OM. Ugh, this just makes me wanna die inside honestly. Was it that you missed sex in general...or like you said...with OM? Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 Belle, the party is over, you're the last one at the bar and now it's time go home. But you don't want to go home because that ain't fun. Life would be good...if only reality didn't f...k it up. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SandieBeach Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 I don't understand this. You were being naked around your BH because you felt you were betraying....the OM? If you had said it was becase you were betraying BH' date=' it would have made more sense. If you feel guilty for betraying the [i']OM[/i]...wouldn't you just D? Ugh, this just makes me wanna die inside honestly. Was it that you missed sex in general...or like you said...with OM? I know..it's so discouraging. Link to post Share on other sites
SoulStorm Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 That is what I did when I was in the A because I felt like I was betraying the OM...sick I know. You have no clue how sick that is. My stomach turns just reading that. I feel sorry for your BH..you just tolerate him and that's not love. You would rather have sex with some OM who just wanted sex. Oh he said he didn't, but if it wasn't, he would have never gone there with you. So naive, so selfish..I hope I never meet a woman like you are now Belle..I am so glad that there are some good ones out there. Link to post Share on other sites
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