New here. Married woman who had affair and just ended for good I hope

[Wanderer25]

I'll make one point though. Don't even think for a moment that you are better than your sister. In fact, your parents might even start liking her once they know the real you.

 

Why don't you think divorce is an option? He is a good man but you are not attracted to him and you are not willing to communicate. Why stay miserable being a dishonest person and a cheater? Isn't outed as a cheater much worse than being divorced?

[Wanderer25]

Oh, and hopefully by now you realize that the OM used your other affair to get close to you and sleep with you. He used your downfalls for his own pleasure.

She is not seeing this. He caught her in a vulnerable emotional state(which was sadly - her grieving another affair) and took advantage of her. But it is interesting why she confessed this affair with him in the first place.

 

Bella, why did the first affair end? Did the OM1 use and dump you after the affair?

[SandieBeach]

She's no different than any other MM who posts or has posted on here. Lighten up on her and focus on helping her. No point in debating how bad affairs are, who's fault is it ... The problem and issue right NOW is helping her get strong enough to a)TOTALLY cut all contact and end the affair for good and b)Guide her to confess the truth to her husband and stick with counselling so she can better herself. her way of thinking/processing/handling things is 'off' and maybe in time all the good advice will sink in and make sense to her. It's hard to take stuff in if you're not in the right frame of mind.

 

Hey, I was just joshing...I will lighten up! I will lighten up! :D:D

[Artie Lang]

^he sure was. that kind of "help" does wonders for one's relationship.

[findingnemo]

If the OM works with Belle, then how can she have NC? The only way would be to quit her job but the more I think about it the more I realize that this is a bit unrealistic. Why should she quit her job if she's doing what she loves? Why quit in this economy? It may make sense emotionally but it doesn't make sense financially.

 

I would personally have made the OM aware that it's over and enforced it at work. No small talk, no chit chat, nada. The only way this could become difficult is if the OM is my boss. Is he your boss, Belle?

[Artie Lang]

It may make sense emotionally but it doesn't make sense financially.

 

because a marriage comes before financial gain, nemo.

 

 

you said it yourself. as long as he's there, it's not considered NC.

Edited April 20, 2012 by Artie Lang

[findingnemo]

It really depends on how the family is doing financially. I keep thinking we aren't getting the whole picture here with regards to who OM is, why he has this kind of hold on Belle, what specifically she finds lacking with her H (she may not feel comfortable even admitting this to herself), etc. As this thread grows, I personally see a contradiction.

 

Belle, you don't lack self esteem at all. In fact you can intelligently argue your position and you know what you're doing is wrong. When you give advice to others, it is balanced. You have immense patience and you're courageous (based on you staying here). What I don't understand is what the basis of your fear is.

 

I get the whole parents thing. You're a daddy's girl from an affluent family and you and your H have some kind of standing in your society. You risk to lose a lot but I can't figure out what yet. Probably too much info for a public forum though. This is why I wanted you to enable PMs. Not because I will encourage you to cheat but because there are things you can tell a single person that may enable them to give you better advice.

[Artie Lang]

why he has this kind of hold on Belle

 

because as she put it, he "f*cks her brains out."

 

 

What I don't understand is what the basis of your fear is.

 

the fear is that not only did she cheat, but she cheated with a person of color. her parents and husband would disown her for this.

[Wanderer25]

I hope she takes time to process all the things said here. If she doesn't take active steps to correct them, her life will come crashing down. here is the worst case scenario Bella. This may or may not happen but since you don't intend to confess, the D-day is not in your control. You parents will be utterly ashamed of you and disown you, you are ridiculed in the office for being a wh**e, you might even be fired along with your paramour, your husband kicks you out, your daughter finds out about the affair and despises you for what you did to their father. Your relationship with the kids is permanently damaged. Your reputation is ruined and the your social circle ostracize you(esp: if they are married with kids, single friends might still be there). I think you have a better grasp of what will happen than I can predict. R may or may not be an option. If R does happen, you will have to spend on being remorseful instead of working on the issues in the marriage.

 

The worst has happened already. The affair did happen. Confessing to your husband will give you a more controlled environment where you can deal with the aftermath of the affair and its repercussions without affecting anyone else much(esp: kids). Of course he will be devastated. But he will be able to trust you more as you confessed it first and the boundaries will be enforced much better since you will be held accountable to him(unlike now). You cannot keep carrying this guilt for long. The stress will eat you up and will make you a miserable person.

Edited April 20, 2012 by Wanderer25

[Bellechica]

I did not start this thread for an ego boost. In fact I think since being on LS, I have gotten sicker. I feel nauseous all the time coming on here.

 

I originally came on here for support to help me get over the OM. I am so conflicted. When I went to him about AP1 it was because I trusted him. I did not go to him because I was sexually attracted to him. I didn't see him that way. In his job, he has helped people with relationship advice. He isn't my boss, Nemo. Just a colleague. After ending the A with AP1 because I knew I had f**ked up and could lose my M, I went to OM to help me get past the A. I gave him my phone, all the gifts he had sent me, anything that would trigger thoughts.....In hindsight I see now after learning what I know now from this forum, I should have gone to my H. I may have had a chance that my H would forgive me, but instead I trusted my friend.

 

I don't think he saw me as an opportunity for sex. We talked and text a lot and he would check on me, but then we started growing closer and talking more. When he first tried to kiss me, I told him to stop, but the next time he tried, I didn't and it lead to more.

 

Yes, Nemo, it is the kind of sex I crave, but I believe it would get old eventually. The high that I got from it keeps me wanting more and I fear it's clouded my brain. It makes me believe the OM when he says we are soulmates, but my logical side tells me that this is just a chemical reaction in the brain, not "love". Love was the day to day life with my H, supporting each other, raising kids, getting through hard times, enjoying good times. Sixteen years of M and three years of dating and I wasn't tempted by other men's advances, but I let my guard down and made these choices. I risked everything for the OM.

 

Yes a D might be better than living a lie, but I feel an obligation to just live the lie for all the people around me. Sure, a part of me has fantasized about moving in with the OM and his son. This is dangerous thinking. I have to pick my H and even the OM knows this. He has always known this, and no it's not fair that my H has no choice, but I think he would rather not know any of this and face the scandle.

 

2Sunny, I have been avoiding your question. I will selfishly admit that I don't want to go NC because I miss the friendship with the OM, and I love my job and I'm in a profession that does not have many openings or any in this location.

 

I think what I can hope for is that the OM falls in love with another woman and tries to never contact me again.

 

I am not sure if I answered the questions.

 

I also realize that wander is probably right. It will probably all come out eventually and no matter what it is going to destroy my kids lives. My biggest fear is something happening to my kids, and that I have caused it.

 

I'm not even sure why I'm continuing to post. I am posting in other threads.

[Owl]

2Sunny, I have been avoiding your question. I will selfishly admit that I don't want to go NC because I miss the friendship with the OM, and I love my job and I'm in a profession that does not have many openings or any in this location.

 

 

I think that as long as you remain this selfish, and this self-centered...there's nothing anyone can do to help you.

 

I'd also add...as long as you remain this selfish and self-centered, there's no hope for your marriage or your family situation to improve.

 

You say you stay silent to protect those around you...but that's hooey. You stay silent because you don't want to face the consequences of your selfish actions...it's one more example of that same selfishness and self-centeredness, and it has NOTHING AT ALL to do with altruism or caring for your husband or your family.

 

You're just rationalizing your continued selfishness.

[Wanderer25]

So you have no absolutely no intention of confessing? Would you rather take the risk of the D-day? Good luck. I hope you won't keep making further mistakes. But please, for God's sake, don't trust the OM. You fell for his lies hook line and sinker. You will look at this 4-5 years later and won't believe how stupid you were. You are still pretending as soulmates that never were meant to be. That part disgusts the most

Edited April 20, 2012 by Wanderer25

[stillafool]

 

Sixteen years of M and three years of dating and I wasn't tempted by other men's advances, but I let my guard down and made these choices. I risked everything for the OM.

 

Belle, are you talking about AP#1 or AP#2? Because it would seem that you have been and are tempted so stop trying to make yourself out to be some faithful wife. You're not.

 

Yes a D might be better than living a lie, but I feel an obligation to just live

the lie for all the people around me.

 

Or, maybe it's to keep the lifestyle you have, your new house and everything else that comes with being married to your husband. You know all of this will change for you when he and your family find out you have been having an affair with a black man behind your husband's back. You know your reputation will be destroyed in your circle. You are not staying for them you are staying for you.

 

 

 

and no it's not fair that my H has no choice, but I think

he would rather not know any of this and face the scandle.

 

I think your h is a better one to make that decision. Not you.

 

2Sunny, I have been avoiding your question. I will selfishly admit that I don't

want to go NC because I miss the friendship with the OM, and I love my job and

I'm in a profession that does not have many openings or any in this location.

 

You really are that selfish aren't you? If you cared about saving your marriage, your kids heartache, you would gladly quit that job. The real reason is bolded above.

 

I think what I can hope for is that the OM falls in love with another woman and

tries to never contact me again.

 

Even if he does he can still have sex with you on the side. He knows this.

 

 

It will probably all come out eventually and no matter what it is going to

destroy my kids lives. My biggest fear is something happening to my kids, and

that I have caused it.

 

 

You are right that you will be found out sooner or later but I don't think anything will "happen" to your kids other than the sadness of having divorced parents.

[findingnemo]

Keep posting. Here and on other threads.

 

Fear of a scandal is a valid one. In fact it's so serious that it's responsible for many murders in love triangles. You know, the ones where a politician has an A but doesn't want the AP to disclose. it can't be discounted just like that.

 

So in your mind Belle, you'd rather run the risk of your H finding out on his own because you know the consequences will definitely be terrible. By doing this, there's a slight chance (which you're willing to take) that he'll never find out. And if you change your behaviour now, chances are that your H will never have a reason to suspect you and therefore never have a reason to poke around?

 

You can do this, Belle. Truly you can pull it off...if things remain constant (ceteris paribus) in as far as your H's ignorance. But even then you are still not doing everything you possibly can, are you? The OM must disappear from the picture COMPLETELY. As long as he's around, he is the weakest link. He will still pursue you and eventually you will buckle. I mean the sex is really that good. You also must find a way to make him understand this without resentment. Any form of resentment could mean exposure.

 

Imagine this. Your OM comes to LS for advice. Do you know how many people will tell him to expose to your H? I probably would too. If you can find LS, why can't he find it too? Or some other site?

 

Belle, you must do some work here. You can't do nothing and hope the situation changes. Time has a way of sorting things out for sure. If you don't decide on a course of action, time will do it for you...and it won't be what you hope for. So your major problems right now are:

 

1. OM being in the picture. He still has hope, he still thinks you're available.

2. Your sex life with your H. Either you accept him as he is (hard I know) or you rump things up somehow. Go to a sex camp for couples. Do something to reconnect.

3. Your propensity to have another A in the future. The thing about not suffering the consequences of having an A, is that your mind can easily look to another one as a solution in the future. You are now hard wired to cheat because you got away with it. So you have to work on your boundaries and set new ones that are very very strict.

 

Maybe one day you'll confess. Who knows? People do it all the time. See a poster here who's W woke up years later and confessed. She had "pulled" it off but her H had an idea something was wrong. If you want to and believe you should take this risk, do so. But make it a calculated risk. As long as OM is lurking at the office, your mind is filled with thoughts of him, your sex life at home is unsatisfactory...the future is looking bleak. For all intents and purposes, Belle, it's almost like you're just taking a break from the A.

[Owl]

Or your H comes to LS, posting that he can't figure out why his wife has been so distant, moody, and depressed? Posters suggest that she might be in or have recently ended an affair...he starts snooping...d-day!

 

It's HAPPENED here on LS in the past.

 

I can think of a dozen ways your H could find out on his own. It only takes one of those to occur...and now it's ALL out of your control, and you're completely appearing like the horrible person for hiding this all from him for so long.

[Wanderer25]

Bashing her has got her nowhere. Everyone has given up. She is delusional and she doesn't realize it. Honestly this has been one of the most frustrating threads I've ever read on infidelity.

[stillafool]

This is an open forum open to everyone's opinions. If she doesn't want the truth she is free to leave. She is also supposedly in IC where she can get actual professional help.

[findingnemo]

Bashing her has got her nowhere. Everyone has given up. She is delusional and she doesn't realize it. Honestly this has been one of the most frustrating threads I've ever read on infidelity.

 

I haven't given up and I don't think she's delusional. Well, not completely. She is deluding herself if she thinks she will get away with it and still have the kind of contact she has with the OM. It's delusional to think we are so good at keeping secrets like this forever whether done in the past or present.

 

She's CONFLICTED about what she wants. She wants her family but continues to risk losing them. She wants her life as it is but risks major scandal by having an A or two. At the same time, she's unfulfilled in her M and her personal needs are obviously so strong now that there are times she is vulnerable. This usually happens because we grow up having an idea what the right thing to do is. We have a picture of what a good M is, what a proper family looks like and how it functions. We buy into the picture society has painted and the fear of being different is sometimes too much to overcome.

 

She is SCARED. She is scared for her life but somehow is self sabotaging. While she "knows" what she wants, she is subconsciously rebelling against what she has always been taught is right. The facade isn't holding. The perfect W, the perfect employee - she is risking both things - the very foundation of her self esteem.

 

She is courageous when it comes to dealing with criticism, the bashing and all that. But she's a COWARD (for lack of a better word) when it comes to fighting her demons. She's afraid that if she closes the door to the OM, something she really needs may slip from her grasp. She has tasted it, she knows how it feels and she doesn't really want to give it up.

 

Finally, she's HUMAN. There have been people like this in past times I'm sure and there'll be more in the future. What we see here pertains to infidelity but she has good qualities, feels pain (even if she doesn't react to comments), feels shame, needs love and most of all needs help. I won't give up because she reminds me of myself, of some friends of mine, of how life sometimes deals us things which we don't handle properly and of the consequences that are of our own making but nevertheless too painful to bear. So we should give up only if Belle gives up...

[anne1707]

Belle

 

You absolutely cannot have a friendship with the exOM if your marriage is to stand a chance. Plus if your H ever does finally find out, your continuing friendship will be a further betrayal as far as he concerned.

 

I still work with the exOM and the reconciliation was made much harder because of this but at least my H knew the truth and I was (and continue to be) open about all communications between me and the exOM. There is absolutely no personal chat. It is all work related and professional. I don't even ask something as harmless or innocent sounding as "did you have a good holiday". I would never dream of discussing my marriage with him - that would be a massive betrayal of trust and I have no desire to share any personal details with him.

 

Even if working together, you can still do NC but only if you REALLY wanted to. If you refuse to end the friendship then you are still very much in the affair and obviously do not want to "get over" the ex(?)OM. In that case, do the only thing you can do and end the farce of a marriage you have, telling your H the truth for once that you have had (and refuse to end) your affair.

[Bellechica]

I think I should really just be following the addiction threads. It is more befitting that I learn how to stop what I'm doing. I am scared that the whole world for my kids is going to come crashing disown yet I feel this man has me around his little finger. He won't expose me. It would be scandalous for him as well.

Yes I've had a "taste" of something that's been lacking, but if I can just get over this man, I think I'll be able to think more clearly.

 

I never ever want to have another A. It hurts everyone. I've hurt the OM deeply. I am a complete mess except when I'm faking. Right now the only ones not hurt are my family.

 

I need help and I know it. Yes I'm sick. I get physically sick. Being around my H calms me. I just want his passion again and I want to feel passion for him. He is beautiful.....

[Bellechica]

I'm going to go be with my H now

[anne1707]

Your H is not able to show passion for you because you have created a huge void between you. Don't you realise that many men want to feel loved, valued and genuinely desired too if they are going to have sex? You are making your H feel as if he is the villain in the marriage. How on earth is that supposed to make him feel passion?

 

To be honest Belle, you really do need to get over yourself. You are so incredibly selfish and self-centred. Stop playing the victim card. Stop going on about how sick you feel. Stop acting the martyr. Get off your backside and do something to change the situation. You are the only one who make it better.

[2sunny]

I think that as long as you remain this selfish, and this self-centered...there's nothing anyone can do to help you.

 

I'd also add...as long as you remain this selfish and self-centered, there's no hope for your marriage or your family situation to improve.

 

You say you stay silent to protect those around you...but that's hooey. You stay silent because you don't want to face the consequences of your selfish actions...it's one more example of that same selfishness and self-centeredness, and it has NOTHING AT ALL to do with altruism or caring for your husband or your family.

 

You're just rationalizing your continued selfishness.

 

Since you don't intend to tell your H and you don't intend to end it COMPLETELY with your OM - there's nothing we can help you with.

 

It makes me sad that you are sick. But you are sick because you are participating in ongoing betrayal.

 

Once you stop it completely you will find that your not sick anymore. The illness is manifested by the negative emotions you are participating in. YOU can control that part!

 

I wish you well.

 

 

On a side note - its no different than what Ninjas wife is doing to him... And you can see how sad that makes him feel...yet you continue knowing what sadness it manifests.

 

You won't get connected to your husband while you stay focused on your OM.

 

Too much consideration of self will not help you. You must get willing to consider how you affect others. It can be negative or positive. You've CREATED enough of the negative for a while - embark on an adventure to create more positives in your thoughts, words and actions. And if you focus on putting THAT effort into others then you can change this into being something very meaningful.

[findingnemo]

You're not addicted to As or even to this particular OM, Belle. Oh no, it isn't a sex addiction and I don't know if people get addicted to people. Do they?

 

How is IC going? I know you missed an appointment.

[2sunny]

It's difficult to feed the victim role and validate it when a person is only a victim of a their own choices.