New here. Married woman who had affair and just ended for good I hope

[Bellechica]

I was living in and will probably continue to live in sexless marriage. My husband is a great father and is a decent man but our sex life hasn't been decent since our first few years of marriage. I am the one who initiates sex with my husband and I've been turned down by him many times. I have kept myself in shape and dress fashionably and yes I get hit on by men, I don't think I give off some "vibe" unless men can just sense when a woman isn't satisfied sexually. My exAP couldn't believe I hadn't had sex in a year with my H. The on and off A I had with him really ignited me sexually and I stopped trying to have sex w H. It's been over a month since I had sex with exAP and since I have been in NC mode with him I have been trying with my H. We have successfully had sex a few times but I just can't understand why it feels like a job to me but I guess I think it is something we both need to do. I have spent years taking care of my own sexual needs alone and then just made a terrible choice to have the As and finally feel sexually satisfied, but I really do want to be sexually satisfied with my H not another man. I just wonder sometimes if my H isn't as sexual as me or if he's gay. I dont know why our sex life sucks. I have tried experimenting with my H. I do get into it and I'm not just laying there expecting him to do the work. Sorry TMI about this all....

 

Ok go ahead and rip into me. I can take it.....

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I was living in and will probably continue to live in sexless marriage. My husband is a great father and is a decent man but our sex life hasn't been decent since our first few years of marriage. I am the one who initiates sex with my husband and I've been turned down by him many times. I have kept myself in shape and dress fashionably and yes I get hit on by men, I don't think I give off some "vibe" unless men can just sense when a woman isn't satisfied sexually. My exAP couldn't believe I hadn't had sex in a year with my H. The on and off A I had with him really ignited me sexually and I stopped trying to have sex w H. It's been over a month since I had sex with exAP and since I have been in NC mode with him I have been trying with my H. We have successfully had sex a few times but I just can't understand why it feels like a job to me but I guess I think it is something we both need to do. I have spent years taking care of my own sexual needs alone and then just made a terrible choice to have the As and finally feel sexually satisfied, but I really do want to be sexually satisfied with my H not another man. I just wonder sometimes if my H isn't as sexual as me or if he's gay. I dont know why our sex life sucks. I have tried experimenting with my H. I do get into it and I'm not just laying there expecting him to do the work. Sorry TMI about this all....

 

Ok go ahead and rip into me. I can take it.....

 

Do you think that revealing your A's will motivate your husband to actively seek help for his low libido? He might be more understanding than you think being that he is not sexually active in the marriage. IDK, just throwing it out there.

[elfman]

It sucks that your marriage is not providing the sexual relief you need. I myself had problems with my wife because of the same reason, (In fact, most married men will tell you they're usually the initiators). However Bella, and I have read all the posts, what you're doing is like an alcoholic saying he will quit, but keeping a bottle of bourbon in the barn, tucked away for a rainy day. First of all, you cannot possibly expect to have a friendship with your AP, and second, not telling your H of the A is only setting a precedent for your behavior.

 

By the same reasoning, you should not worry if he's gay or not, because he is in his right, according to your standards, to keep that sort of information to himself... you keep your affairs hidden, he keeps himself in the closet. Come on, it cannot be that hard to understand why everyone here is saying the same thing: IF you do not confess to your husband, nothing you do will have meaning... you're wasting your time, and more importantly, his.

[Bellechica]

I don't even know who I am any more. Thank you for your posts. I just feel sick and overwhelmed and confused. I have set up an appointment for IC. My husband knows I'm going. I'm showing symptoms of depression so he supports me. He is a kind, decent man and he deserves better.

[SandieBeach]

I was living in and will probably continue to live in sexless marriage. My husband is a great father and is a decent man but our sex life hasn't been decent since our first few years of marriage. I am the one who initiates sex with my husband and I've been turned down by him many times. I have kept myself in shape and dress fashionably and yes I get hit on by men, I don't think I give off some "vibe" unless men can just sense when a woman isn't satisfied sexually. My exAP couldn't believe I hadn't had sex in a year with my H. The on and off A I had with him really ignited me sexually and I stopped trying to have sex w H. It's been over a month since I had sex with exAP and since I have been in NC mode with him I have been trying with my H. We have successfully had sex a few times but I just can't understand why it feels like a job to me but I guess I think it is something we both need to do. I have spent years taking care of my own sexual needs alone and then just made a terrible choice to have the As and finally feel sexually satisfied, but I really do want to be sexually satisfied with my H not another man. I just wonder sometimes if my H isn't as sexual as me or if he's gay. I dont know why our sex life sucks. I have tried experimenting with my H. I do get into it and I'm not just laying there expecting him to do the work. Sorry TMI about this all....

 

Ok go ahead and rip into me. I can take it.....

 

Oh my God, dear woman, stop with that defeatist attitude! a) if that is the case that if you stay with your husband you will be in a sexless marriage, then get the hell out while you are still looking hot! b) did you EVER stop to think about why your husband is not interested in sex for the last several years especially if the sex with your H has been good at the beginning of your marriage.

 

Thirdly, or c) if you will, there is ALWAYS a reason for EVERYTHING. My H and I are in exactly the same situation, except I was more like your husband is, and my H was having an affair to fulfill that sexual void. We pretty much had sexless marriage, and my husband tried to initiate for most of that time (often unsuccessfully) until he felt like it was a job. He and I had serious communication issues and I had problems with the way he was in our relationship, but I never told him that it bother me. Instead, I kept it in and our sex life took a serious hit. I needed to feel closeness, I needed him to be open and transparent with me so that I could show him my adventurous side. During our sexless marriage, I felt unhappy - I wanted sex too, but did not know how to want it with him. So, soon after I found out about the affair, and I began to figure out what was holding me back all this time, we both opened up in the way I didn't think possible: I told him I also was horny all the time and thought about having an affair, and he told me what he was missing. The sex we ended up having following those revelations was mind blowing. The best sex in my life. Since then, there have been no inhibitions: when you feel like you hit rock bottom and have nothing to lose because someone you love deeply betrayed you, you begin to finally act like yourself. I never told him what bothered me about our relationship because I was trying to protect him, and look where that got us. Honesty and communication are imperative in a healthy marriage - sexually or otherwise.

Edited March 28, 2012 by SandieBeach
Spelling

[Kidd]

I don't even know who I am any more. Thank you for your posts. I just feel sick and overwhelmed and confused. I have set up an appointment for IC. My husband knows I'm going. I'm showing symptoms of depression so he supports me. He is a kind, decent man and he deserves better.

 

Keep reading, posting, going to IC. Read books. Find the courage. You see the consistent message here and even on SI where only WS can respond to your posts, your choice is clear. There is only one way to save this marriage. If you do the right things, the odds are in your favor. If you don't, your M is dead on arrival. Check out, How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, and Not Just Friends. You can do this.

[The Blue Knight]

I'm growing and learning and yes I can say "no". I think the affairs happened because I didn't feel alive and I didn't appreciate what long term deep love can be. I'm not a sex addict but it's true that being married isn't like new being in love feeling. I appreciate now the deeper love and you all can condemn me and disagree with my choices but we each have different lives and no one here truly knows mine.

 

You're right Bellechica. The risk you bring with asking advise here is that you're going to get comments you may not want. The flip side is that not everyone here is judging you.

 

I want to see you and your husband work it out. I hope things are getting better. Like most, I think at some point you'll have to come clean on your past with him. But ONLY you can make that determination.

 

It's hard to rebuild a marriage on what is essentially a lie at this point. But you might be one of those who has to work to get things back to a feeling of normal in the marriage before you can open up about this.

 

Just remember this. If you get things back on track with your husband, and you chose to tell him the truth a year, or two years from now . . . for him . . . it all starts over from that point. So all the progress you're making right now, will be set back considerably and he'll question why you didn't just tell him this from day one. Besides, if you're anything like me, you can only hold in a lie like that so long before it eats you alive.

 

Hope things work out for you.

[The Blue Knight]

Both my husband and I are conflict avoiders. We grew up in stable homes but ones where problems were swept under the rug. Everything always seemed "perfect" in fact from the outside our marriage seems to appear perfect and my exAP is the opposite of my husband. You're right, we argued a lot and I was much more open with him and less guarded, but I also know the good times with him were mainly fantasy and not day in day out routine. You all have given me much to reflect upon. Why I felt so much more comfortable naked with AP than my own husband? Why the intamacy was deeper with him? my husband and I are talking about our own sexual problems. We were in a sexless marriage. I have always primarily been the initiator of sex with him and I got tired of initiating. It hurt my self esteem, but I know that is no reason to excuse the As. I know there is no excuse.

This is the key to why affairs feel so wonderful. It's like an emotional vacation of pure magic. No reality to deal with. Just the feeling of finding new love. I think we'd all love to experience that at times.

 

The stark reality is that it can't last forever and you apparently have already figured that out Bell. Good for you.

 

Your "initiator" problem is one I've dealt with in my marriage. I know how you felt. You sit and wonder why it is that you have to be the one always stirring up intimacy. You wonder if the other person has any innate interest without being coaxed. My marriage was never sexless, but I sure got tired of feeling like the pursuer 24/7.

 

Like you, I felt passed over at times. Even though I had discussed this with her over the years, it finally came to a head last summer and I suggested we split up since we just weren't on the same page in that area and I no longer wanted to live that way. That is what caused her to realize that it was a very serious issue for me. I know that had things not changed over time, I too could have easily been susceptible to what you experienced. I'm thankful that it never got that far because I'd be kicking myself in the butt to this day for cheating. It's bad enough that I even thought about such things.

 

Trust me. There are those in this forum who know how you felt in your marriage. They may not condone how you handled it, but they can relate to how you were feeling.

[The Blue Knight]

I was living in and will probably continue to live in sexless marriage. My husband is a great father and is a decent man but our sex life hasn't been decent since our first few years of marriage. I am the one who initiates sex with my husband and I've been turned down by him many times. I have kept myself in shape and dress fashionably and yes I get hit on by men, I don't think I give off some "vibe" unless men can just sense when a woman isn't satisfied sexually. My exAP couldn't believe I hadn't had sex in a year with my H. The on and off A I had with him really ignited me sexually and I stopped trying to have sex w H. It's been over a month since I had sex with exAP and since I have been in NC mode with him I have been trying with my H. We have successfully had sex a few times but I just can't understand why it feels like a job to me but I guess I think it is something we both need to do. I have spent years taking care of my own sexual needs alone and then just made a terrible choice to have the As and finally feel sexually satisfied, but I really do want to be sexually satisfied with my H not another man. I just wonder sometimes if my H isn't as sexual as me or if he's gay. I dont know why our sex life sucks. I have tried experimenting with my H. I do get into it and I'm not just laying there expecting him to do the work. Sorry TMI about this all....

 

Ok go ahead and rip into me. I can take it.....

Believe it or not Bell, revealing the truth to your husband will create in him a libido you haven't seen in 20 years. Trust me on that. I'm not saying it's all going to be pretty due to the fallout from the affair, but he'll realize he's been a dud sexually and rethink his whole sexuality with you. In other words, it's going to ignite his fire!

 

(assuming he's not gay as you hypothesized)

[Bellechica]

Wow. It's very nice hearing that other posters here have experienced sexual problems in their marriages too and you're right, I should have opened up more about these problems and the lack of intamcy before I turn to other men. I am very pleased that my exAP has respected my NC request and I'm removing as many triggers as possible although he crosses my mind a lot and I still miss him. I know you all think I can't build a M without disclosing but my husband and I are treating each other better than we have in years: checking in on each other, sitting on the same couch, going to bed at the same time and even having sex. I will get up the nerve to discuss our sex life with him and why we changed from those earlier years. He tells me I am sexy which is helping my self esteem. I don't know what happened. I feel like he is listening to me and that I'm not finding so many faults in our M now that I cut off contact with OM. Do I feel guilt? Hell yes. But I think my sense of fear of destroying my family is stronger than my feelings of guilt.

Edited March 28, 2012 by Bellechica
Spelling and spelling

[The Blue Knight]

Wow. It's very nice hearing that other posters here have experienced sexual problems in their marriages too and you're right, I should have opened up more about these problems and the lack of intamcy before I turn to other men. I am very pleased that my exAP has respected my NC request and I'm removing as many triggers as possible although he crosses my mind a lot and I still miss him. I know you all think I can't build a M without disclosing but my husband and I are treating each other better than we have in years: checking in on each other, sitting on the same couch, going to bed at the same time and even having sex. I will get up the nerve to discuss our sex life with him and why we changed from those earlier years. He tells me I am sexy which is helping my self esteem. I don't know what happened. I feel like he is listening to me and that I'm not finding so many faults in our M now that I cut off contact with OM. Do I feel guilt? Hell yes. But I think my sense of fear of destroying my family is stronger than my feelings of guilt.

 

For now perhaps . . . but the guilt you deal with later, if you make this work will be harder to deal with than you realize. Plus, there's always that risk of him finding out. Personally, I'd rather tell my spouse than be discovered. But you have to handle this as you see fit.

 

I might add Bell that had you included the lacking libido details regarding your husband and the fact that he's often "not interested" some here might have been less judgmental of you. That is fairly pertinent information when someone ends up having an affair. Not that it justifies it. But people are more apt to understand your situation.

 

Trust me. There are a LOT of men and women on this forum who can relate to lopsided libidos in their marriages and many (myself included) came here because they were looking for answers to that very question.

[The Blue Knight]

Nobody is endorsing Bell's behavior, least of all me. Cheating in a marriage is about the lowest form of behavior there is. But I can relate to her as a human being. Anyone who has been in a long term marriage can relate on some levels. But most importantly, I haven't lived the past 20 years of her marriage. She's obviously looking for an answer to the problem, and she's got dozens of answers from her OP to consider over the coming weeks.

Edited April 15, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed references to moderated post

[Bellechica]

Yes, I admit I'm the one that needs IC. I'm starting it Friday with a FEMALE therapist. I recognize that what I did was the worst possible thing I could do to my husband. I'm trying to just hold it together. I've maintained NC with my AP2 and will continue this. The communication issues and lack of sex were no reason to do what I've done. I think what bothered me most was when I felt that first connection to AP1 and when I cried and told my husband things weren't right in our marriage that he blew me off. I felt so rejected and that coupled with sexual rejection just lead me down a path I thought I could end. AP1 was 1,000 miles away and I just thought we are just texting and talking on the phone. I thought I could end it easily. I had no idea I'd become so emotional over him. It's been a year of NC with him. I should've found this forum a year ago instead of turning to my friend at work who deals with communicating issues with couples. I had known him ten years and thought I could trust him. Do I have issues? Yes, I have boundary issues, sexual issues, self esteem issues, moral issues, etc. I am flawed but I am trying to move in the right direction. I read the post by WH and feel sheer fear in having my husband go thru such pain. This past year he saw me pull away from him....he is listening now and I don't want to lose him. I honestly think he would leave me and take the kids.

[nofool4u]

Yes, I admit I'm the one that needs IC. I'm starting it Friday with a FEMALE therapist.

 

 

Why did you feel the need to shout that it is a FEMALE therapist?

 

You think its because she'll be more understanding of you and treat you with kid gloves? Because I can tell you, blowing sunshine up your arse isn't going to get the job done.

 

 

I honestly think he would leave me and take the kids.

 

Leave you he might, but even fathers that are betrayed won't get to be the custodial parent if they divorce.

 

A woman could screw another man in the marital bed/home and STILL get custody. Why? Because she is the mother. A father has to prove that the mother is a detriment to her kids. And although alot of people will think that someone void of scruples is unfit to raise a child, the courts will not see it that way.

 

As long as you are not a drug addict, violent criminal, or your H can prove, aside from lack of morals, that you are unfit, you can cheat on him and you will still get custody if you petition for it. Nice deal for him, huh?

[woinlove]

Yes, I admit I'm the one that needs IC. I'm starting it Friday with a FEMALE therapist. I recognize that what I did was the worst possible thing I could do to my husband. I'm trying to just hold it together. I've maintained NC with my AP2 and will continue this. The communication issues and lack of sex were no reason to do what I've done. I think what bothered me most was when I felt that first connection to AP1 and when I cried and told my husband things weren't right in our marriage that he blew me off. I felt so rejected and that coupled with sexual rejection just lead me down a path I thought I could end. AP1 was 1,000 miles away and I just thought we are just texting and talking on the phone. I thought I could end it easily. I had no idea I'd become so emotional over him. It's been a year of NC with him. I should've found this forum a year ago instead of turning to my friend at work who deals with communicating issues with couples. I had known him ten years and thought I could trust him. Do I have issues? Yes, I have boundary issues, sexual issues, self esteem issues, moral issues, etc. I am flawed but I am trying to move in the right direction. I read the post by WH and feel sheer fear in having my husband go thru such pain. This past year he saw me pull away from him....he is listening now and I don't want to lose him. I honestly think he would leave me and take the kids.

 

As mentioned, you have legal rights to your children.

 

As for your H leaving you if he knew the truth: Are you saying you would like to trick him into staying with you by making him believe a false reality because if he knew the truth he would leave. I can't think of anything that will eat at your self-worth more than planning to spend your life tricking the father of your children that way.

[Bellechica]

I said female therapist because I seriously don't want to discuss my problems with a man. I just feel its best I speak to a woman.

[ISurvived]

Yes, I admit I'm the one that needs IC. I'm starting it Friday with a FEMALE therapist. I recognize that what I did was the worst possible thing I could do to my husband. I'm trying to just hold it together. I've maintained NC with my AP2 and will continue this. The communication issues and lack of sex were no reason to do what I've done. I think what bothered me most was when I felt that first connection to AP1 and when I cried and told my husband things weren't right in our marriage that he blew me off. I felt so rejected and that coupled with sexual rejection just lead me down a path I thought I could end. AP1 was 1,000 miles away and I just thought we are just texting and talking on the phone. I thought I could end it easily. I had no idea I'd become so emotional over him. It's been a year of NC with him. I should've found this forum a year ago instead of turning to my friend at work who deals with communicating issues with couples. I had known him ten years and thought I could trust him. Do I have issues? Yes, I have boundary issues, sexual issues, self esteem issues, moral issues, etc. I am flawed but I am trying to move in the right direction. I read the post by WH and feel sheer fear in having my husband go thru such pain. This past year he saw me pull away from him....he is listening now and I don't want to lose him. I honestly think he would leave me and take the kids.

 

You don't have "issues", you have no self control whatsoever.

 

You keep talking about not wanting to ruin the current "honeymoon" phase with your husband. Newsflash, IT ISN'T ABOUT YOU!! Until you realize and buy into that, you are just going through the motions.

 

One thing you cannot deny, until you disclose to your husband, you continue to be a liar. You're already a serial adulterous wife. If you truly love your husband, you would be honest with him.

[The Blue Knight]

I'm sure she has feelings for her husband or she shouldn't have a dilemma to begin with. The classic serial cheater isn't very likely to come here because they enjoy cheating and like living a dual lifestyle. I tend to relate back to the words of Christ, if you've thought about adultery in your heart, you're pretty much just as guilty as those who commit it, and who among us hasn't contemplated it?

Edited April 15, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed references to moderated post

[Bittersweetie]

Hi Bella,

 

I was a WS. I had my A and my H probably would've never known about it as we were living in different cities at that time. The A ended, my H and I were together in one place again, and I still didn't tell. Sometimes I wanted to tell, get it in the open, but I will fully admit I was too scared and selfish and self-centered to do so. Then he found out, as these things always come out.

 

We had a d-day. Afterward, I was fortunate that he gave me another chance...this isn't the case for many wayward wives. I realized that not only did I want to be with my H, I wanted a better marriage than what we had. We were sexless, we didn't communicate well, there was other stuff. Nothing that was an excuse for what I did, but a combination of things that brought me to the low place when I didn't respect my H, my marriage, or myself.

 

Telling him was hard. Seeing his pain was hard. Working through my crap with him and in IC was hard. Even working on the sexless marriage was hard (I know that sounds weird, but it's true). And none of that wouldn't have happened if the truth hadn't come out. I imagine that if I'd kept it a secret, we'd still be in the same relationship as before. Now, because of his giving me a second chance, my self-exploration, and our hard work together on our relationship, we have the marriage I'd always hoped for. We communicate, we work through problems together, we have sex, we're even starting a family which I feel so happy and blessed about that I get teary just thinking of it.

 

In the end, it is your choice whether to tell your husband what you did. However, from my experience, the growth that it seems you are looking for, for yourself and for your marriage, won't be able to start until the truth comes out...all of the truth, every last bit.

 

B

[Bellechica]

I obviously have some self control as I chose to end the A without having a Dday. I miss my AP a lot but I am not giving into urges to contact him. I have made the decision to stop the cycle. I've deleted every message and destroyed every trigger possible. I am fully determined to set boundaries with all men. I am the one who chose this option because I knew it must end. I don't mind hearing the opinions on here of the posters who condemn me and I didn't come here for sympathy.

[ISurvived]

I obviously have some self control as I chose to end the A without having a Dday. I miss my AP a lot but I am not giving into urges to contact him. I have made the decision to stop the cycle. I've deleted every message and destroyed every trigger possible. I am fully determined to set boundaries with all men. I am the one who chose this option because I knew it must end. I don't mind hearing the opinions on here of the posters who condemn me and I didn't come here for sympathy.

 

You had so much self control you cheated on your husband with two different men. Forgive me while I vomit.

 

I am not condemning you, I'm just calling BS on whether you are truly committed to your husband. You aren't refusing to disclose to your husband to save his pain, you refusing to disclose to him to save your ass. You continue to lie to him. He has the right to know. You continue to manipulate your husband and the situation to your perceived benefit. All you are really doing is figuratively murdering your husband and your marriage.

[Kidd]

You had so much self control you cheated on your husband with two different men. Forgive me while I vomit.

 

I am not condemning you, I'm just calling BS on whether you are truly committed to your husband. You aren't refusing to disclose to your husband to save his pain, you refusing to disclose to him to save your ass. You continue to lie to him. He has the right to know. You continue to manipulate your husband and the situation to your perceived benefit. All you are really doing is figuratively murdering your husband and your marriage.

 

I have to say that I am also disappointed that you have avoided so many legitimate reasons for disclosing to your betrayed H. I understand that you are not going to follow popular opinion just because it is popular. However, you have completely failed to address several pertinent questions about your refusual to take ownership for what you have done.

 

For example, how is it fair to your husband that you have completely disregarded your end of your marital agreement with him, yet you keep him committed to his end of the bargain without giving him the respect to make an informed decision about THE REST OF HIS LIFE? I, for one, don't care about how much you credit yourself for going NC from someone with whom you never should have had f_cking contact anyway. Congratu****inglations. What about your husband?! Is all that matters that YOU don't lose your family? Answer the question.

[The Blue Knight]

Hi Bella,

 

I was a WS. I had my A and my H probably would've never known about it as we were living in different cities at that time. The A ended, my H and I were together in one place again, and I still didn't tell. Sometimes I wanted to tell, get it in the open, but I will fully admit I was too scared and selfish and self-centered to do so. Then he found out, as these things always come out.

 

We had a d-day. Afterward, I was fortunate that he gave me another chance...this isn't the case for many wayward wives. I realized that not only did I want to be with my H, I wanted a better marriage than what we had. We were sexless, we didn't communicate well, there was other stuff. Nothing that was an excuse for what I did, but a combination of things that brought me to the low place when I didn't respect my H, my marriage, or myself.

 

Telling him was hard. Seeing his pain was hard. Working through my crap with him and in IC was hard. Even working on the sexless marriage was hard (I know that sounds weird, but it's true). And none of that wouldn't have happened if the truth hadn't come out. I imagine that if I'd kept it a secret, we'd still be in the same relationship as before. Now, because of his giving me a second chance, my self-exploration, and our hard work together on our relationship, we have the marriage I'd always hoped for. We communicate, we work through problems together, we have sex, we're even starting a family which I feel so happy and blessed about that I get teary just thinking of it.

 

In the end, it is your choice whether to tell your husband what you did. However, from my experience, the growth that it seems you are looking for, for yourself and for your marriage, won't be able to start until the truth comes out...all of the truth, every last bit.

 

B

 

Very nice post Bittersweetie.

[Spark1111]

I have to say that I am also disappointed that you have avoided so many legitimate reasons for disclosing to your betrayed H. I understand that you are not going to follow popular opinion just because it is popular. However, you have completely failed to address several pertinent questions about your refusual to take ownership for what you have done.

 

For example, how is it fair to your husband that you have completely disregarded your end of your marital agreement with him, yet you keep him committed to his end of the bargain without giving him the respect to make an informed decision about THE REST OF HIS LIFE? I, for one, don't care about how much you credit yourself for going NC from someone with whom you never should have had f_cking contact anyway. Congratu****inglations. What about your husband?! Is all that matters that YOU don't lose your family? Answer the question.

 

I agree with this.

 

This is the obviously ethical and moral argument that the reasonable among us ask all the time.

 

I feel it falls on deaf ears no matter how many different ways it is posted here.

 

On a more selfish level, maybe one Bell will understand: You bemoan the fact that you cannot connect to your H.

 

How do you think that happens? Magic? Osmosis? Wishing it true? Smiling alot?

 

No.

 

True intimacy can only be acheived by sharing the truth of what is in your heart; the truth of your actions; the truth of why you did what you did.

 

It takes courage. It takes maturity. It means overcoming your fears to be adult enough to state your wants and your needs in a clear, compassionate manner.

 

If you do that, you may really have a chance at a connection with your H.

[findingnemo]

Hmmm...I don't know how many more arguments for telling the truth can be made here. We've practically given every good reason in the world. All this based on what you say you want to achieve, Belle.

 

OPTION 1: Start again by being open with your H, telling him what you did, why you did it and telling him that this sexless nonsense is not sustainable. Tell him that your M is broken and you both have major issues to deal with. He may react negatively but you also tell him you don't want to break up your home and are ready to work on your R if he is.

 

OPTION 2: Walk away and tell him nothing about your indiscretions. This saves you the humiliation involved and maybe the pain that you say he'll feel. Instead he will have to deal with the pain of his cherished M ending because he seems clueless about how bad things are.

 

OPTION 3: Stay in a sexless M, keep thinking about OMs, keep fighting the urge to communicate with them or find a new one, keep praying your H never finds out.

 

You're worried about surface stuff... The damage has already been done!!! Just because he knows nothing right now and is walking around like a fool thinking his W is faithful doesn't make your M okay. It's not. It can all change in a split second. If it does, all options above are off the table. Why not take control as much as you can now? Read other posts and understand the permanent damage that being discovered in not one but two or more lies does to a M. Do not lie to yourself. You had sex with two different men. This is really really bad. This makes you a serial cheater. You can't defend it, justify it...you just can't. That's what scares you so much right now. Surface stuff...things like how it will look.

 

Think about it, Belle. Whatever happens, there'll be lots and lots of pain involved. You just have to choose the least damaging outcome. Tell the truth and come out of it with at least some integrity and possibly a reconciliation...or wait for your H to "discover" the As and blow up like you can't imagine.