New here. Married woman who had affair and just ended for good I hope

[SandieBeach]

Think about it, Belle. Whatever happens, there'll be lots and lots of pain involved. You just have to choose the least damaging outcome. Tell the truth and come out of it with at least some integrity and possibly a reconciliation...or wait for your H to "discover" the As and blow up like you can't imagine.

 

And blow up it will...:sick:

[Ninja'sHusband]

Just a note that my wife thought that I'd actually *kill* her or something when she told me she was possibly pregnant with another man's child. She even asked me to kill her when I showed no angry reaction...

 

Wow was she wrong about me. To this day I have never hit her, not true in reverse She friggin slugged me on our 14th anniversary (yesterday)..but that's a whole 'nother story!!

 

You sure don't give your H much credit. I bet he'd be offended.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Also, the night she told me she was pregnant, we made love. I wasn't exactly enthusiastic, she initiated...but we did it. The days following my discovery of her lies, that it was a 4 month A, I was yelling, cursing, threatening divorce, sleeping in the other room, not wanting to touch her.

 

Which one do you want? The latter came after 3 months of reconciliation with her supposedly "trying" just like you are now. *Completely wasted effort*

 

You have been warned....by EVERYONE! Even the waywards! How can you deny it what you need to do?

[The Blue Knight]

Just a note that my wife thought that I'd actually *kill* her or something when she told me she was possibly pregnant with another man's child. She even asked me to kill her when I showed no angry reaction...

 

Wow was she wrong about me. To this day I have never hit her, not true in reverse She friggin slugged me on our 14th anniversary (yesterday)..but that's a whole 'nother story!!

 

You sure don't give your H much credit. I bet he'd be offended.

You'll need to elaborate on that further at some point in the future. Sounds like a good story.

[Ninja'sHusband]

You'll need to elaborate on that further at some point in the future. Sounds like a good story.

Yeahhh, happy 14th dear!

 

I'll update my thread in the next couple days. There's a lot to say....some good some baaaddd....

 

I just don't want to have to deal with all the "cuckold" and "doormat" comments at every turn.

[JustJoe]

Bella, pretty much everyone here has given you good advice, but you refuse to take it, as it your right. No marriage can be good without openess and honesty, and yours is no exception. Also please don't insult us by saying your refusal to confess is motivated by your concern for your family, we have all btdt, either as BS, WS or OP and we know this is another lie to tell us and yourself. Where was this alleged concern when you were f**king two other men? As long as you are delusional there is little we can do to help you.

[JustJoe]

Just a note that my wife thought that I'd actually *kill* her or something when she told me she was possibly pregnant with another man's child. She even asked me to kill her when I showed no angry reaction...

 

Wow was she wrong about me. To this day I have never hit her, not true in reverse She friggin slugged me on our 14th anniversary (yesterday)..but that's a whole 'nother story!!

 

You sure don't give your H much credit. I bet he'd be offended.

Bella has done nothing but blame her husband since she started this thread. We have only her word that he refuses sex to her and considering her track record her word isn't worth much, is it?

[Bellechica]

I don't blame my husband at all for the choices I made and the whole reason I and I ALONE, chose to end the A was to try to get back to being a decent person and to keep my family intact. My exAP supports me in this decision to rebuild my marriage so I'm not concerned about him calling my husband to confess. I realize the majority of you think there is only ONE way but I'm not sure if you are aware that most affairs go undetected and that men are also more likely to leave a WW than a woman who has a WH. I am starting IC tomorrow and I will search for reasons within myself to see how I ended up at such a low point by making these choices. You all do realize that there aren't too many WW in this forum that came here in my situation. The majority of you are here after a Dday. I suppose my presence here is just pissing most ppl off and I think it is time to go.....I hope IC will help me get thru things

[Kidd]

She still thinks she doesn't have a Dday coming.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't blame my husband at all for the choices I made and the whole reason I and I ALONE, chose to end the A was to try to get back to being a decent person and to keep my family intact. My exAP supports me in this decision to rebuild my marriage so I'm not concerned about him calling my husband to confess. I realize the majority of you think there is only ONE way but I'm not sure if you are aware that most affairs go undetected and that men are also more likely to leave a WW than a woman who has a WH. I am starting IC tomorrow and I will search for reasons within myself to see how I ended up at such a low point by making these choices. You all do realize that there aren't too many WW in this forum that came here in my situation. The majority of you are here after a Dday. I suppose my presence here is just pissing most ppl off and I think it is time to go.....I hope IC will help me get thru things

 

 

Can I get a link to those results. Everything I have read completely contradicts what you are saying. Just for the record...decent people don't lie to their spouse for life to cover their own misdeeds.

[stillafool]

You all do realize that there aren't too many WW in this forum that came here in my situation. The majority of you are here after a Dday. I suppose my presence here is just pissing most ppl off and I think it is time to go.....I hope IC will help me get thru things

 

You're wrong. They come here all the time. You aren't the only WW that come here they just don't stay long.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I don't blame my husband at all for the choices I made and the whole reason I and I ALONE, chose to end the A was to try to get back to being a decent person and to keep my family intact. My exAP supports me in this decision to rebuild my marriage so I'm not concerned about him calling my husband to confess. I realize the majority of you think there is only ONE way but I'm not sure if you are aware that most affairs go undetected and that men are also more likely to leave a WW than a woman who has a WH. I am starting IC tomorrow and I will search for reasons within myself to see how I ended up at such a low point by making these choices. You all do realize that there aren't too many WW in this forum that came here in my situation. The majority of you are here after a Dday. I suppose my presence here is just pissing most ppl off and I think it is time to go.....I hope IC will help me get thru things

 

Dunno where you are getting your numbers from but 70% of divorces are initiated by women. Numerous sources report that.

 

You have no faith in your husband to do the right thing and try to work it out. How can you ever reconnect with him? Answer: You won't. You'll probably join that 70% that walks out.

 

According to the book "Good Divorce" it's often the WS that leaves anyway...cause they can't take responsibility for what they did. From what I've seen here, especially WWs.

[Bellechica]

There were times when I thought about leaving and going to be with my AP but I also have enough sense to see that an A is a freaking fantasy and not a partnership. I also know that the A made me focus on the negatives in my M and the faults of my H. Ending the A has made me try to look for the good in what I have. My husband and I have both acknowledged that we just ignore our problems like just pretending like not having sex was ok. Yes, I guess I am still in denial that not telling him will be alright but I am so fearful of what might happen what I truly believe will happen. I've known him for almost twenty years so I believe I'm the best judge to know that he isn't going to stay with me. Yes women initiate D more than woman but a BH is less likely to stand by a WW than a BW to a WH. I admire all of you BS here that have chosen to fight for your M.

[Bellechica]

And yes go ahead and say it "you can't have a partnership based on lies"

[woinlove]

And yes go ahead and say it "you can't have a partnership based on lies"

 

It's a matter of what kind of partnership you want. You might be able to trick your H into staying married to you under false pretences for a long time. Some people do it. Some people pretend to be something they aren't in order to get someone to marry them and stay married to them. Usually one doesn't treat someone who you love and respect that way.

 

It's a matter of whether you want to trick your H because staying married to him matters more to you than the kind of marriage you might have if your deceit works. It's also a matter of what type of person you want to be and whether that is how you want to spend your life - tricking someone to stay married to you, or whether you want to live an authentic life, loving yourself for who you are and who you strive to be, and wanting to be loved for the authentic you. The choice is yours.

[ISurvived]

I don't blame my husband at all for the choices I made and the whole reason I and I ALONE, chose to end the A was to try to get back to being a decent person and to keep my family intact. My exAP supports me in this decision to rebuild my marriage so I'm not concerned about him calling my husband to confess. I realize the majority of you think there is only ONE way but I'm not sure if you are aware that most affairs go undetected and that men are also more likely to leave a WW than a woman who has a WH. I am starting IC tomorrow and I will search for reasons within myself to see how I ended up at such a low point by making these choices. You all do realize that there aren't too many WW in this forum that came here in my situation. The majority of you are here after a Dday. I suppose my presence here is just pissing most ppl off and I think it is time to go.....I hope IC will help me get thru things

 

You shouldn't blame him for any of YOUR choices, they were yours for God sake!!

 

You should really give a s**t what the POS OM thinks. You obviously care more about him than you do your husband.

 

If you continue to disrespect your husband by not coming clean, you can bet 5 or 10 years down the road when it does finally come out, he will hate you. He will look at the entire marriage as a lie. That's because it all has been a lie. YOUR lie.

 

Your husband deserves a heck of a lot better than you!!

[Kidd]

And yes go ahead and say it "you can't have a partnership based on lies"

 

And your husband has a right to make an informed decision about spending the rest of his life devoted to you.

[frozensprouts]

OP,

I have read about partway through your thread, so if what i say does not apply or is redundant, please forgive me...

 

it seems that you recognize that there are things in yourself that you need to change, and that you compare your affairs to addictions...I can understand where you are coming from, but from what i understand, addictions are best deal with when one has support to do so...who/ what is your support system right now?

 

no offense intended, but it really does sound as if you have been using affairs as a coping mechanism to your marriage which you say is less than stellar...it seems that you need to learn better ways to cope. while reading, etc. to learn about affairs, relationships, etc. is an excellent idea, i would highly recommend some counseling for you, as well as marriage counseling to find out the areas that are lacking, and improve upon them

 

as for telling your husband...i am in the camp that feels he needs to know. I'm not saying it will be easy, but telling him serve many purposes...you'll have a huge weight lifted from your shoulders, you won't have to worry about him finding out from someone other than you, and he'll be able to work on your marriage as an equal partner, with full knowledge of all the factors involved. he may even be able to be a "support system" for you, and facing the consequences of your choices may well help you from making similar mistakes in the future...

 

whatever you decide, best of luck to you, and i hope the two of you are able to recover and have a happy life together...it is possible

[Bellechica]

I feel like a witch that walked into Salem. I can feel the distain and hatred here. I am glad I'm going to IC tomorrow.....

[bentnotbroken]

I feel like a witch that walked into Salem. I can feel the distain and hatred here. I am glad I'm going to IC tomorrow.....

 

 

Bella the responses you are getting here are no different than the ones you are getting elsewhere. I have read there too.

[Bellechica]

No I feel it's much more judgmental here. I'm not seeking sympathy or validation. I know I was wrong that's why I quit the A. I just want to stop the cycle and figure out why I got to this horrible point in my life. It just bothers me that ppl here see only one way to fix things and I just can't picture my kids losing their home and what they see as a happy home. Yes I played the kid "card" ! Y'all think I'm a self wench anyway. The A was selfish, yes....the most selfish thing I've ever done and I NEVER want to be in one again. But I feel like I can live with guilt rather than see my family destroyed. I was at least strong enough to quit the A n shut up about me not loving my H. You all don't know me or my life or his and we are trying. I honestly believe most ppl here would love to "out" me if they could....would that make you happy? Destroy the lives of ppl u don't know?

[Ninja'sHusband]

No I feel it's much more judgmental here. I'm not seeking sympathy or validation. I know I was wrong that's why I quit the A. I just want to stop the cycle and figure out why I got to this horrible point in my life. It just bothers me that ppl here see only one way to fix things and I just can't picture my kids losing their home and what they see as a happy home. Yes I played the kid "card" ! Y'all think I'm a self wench anyway. The A was selfish, yes....the most selfish thing I've ever done and I NEVER want to be in one again. But I feel like I can live with guilt rather than see my family destroyed. I was at least strong enough to quit the A n shut up about me not loving my H. You all don't know me or my life or his and we are trying. I honestly believe most ppl here would love to "out" me if they could....would that make you happy? Destroy the lives of ppl u don't know?

Bell you have it completely backwards though. By continuing to lie you risk your kids! You destory your family with your lies! Not telling your H is showing LACK of concern for your kids. When he finds out on his own, the hell to pay will be sooo much worse. How could you risk that? Tell him, for the exact reasons you ARen't telling him. If you don't, you are disrespecting and irresponsibly risking your ENTIRE family!

 

You've got it so backwards. Tell him FOR your kids sake. How could he leave you when you opened your soul to him and told him the truth. He'll be hurt, suspicious, etc, but at least you will have told the truth and he will appreciate that. Again, I didn't even get mad when my W told me...it was only later when I found out the real truth that D became a serious risk.

 

 

Lies are worse than any A. waaayy worse. You've got to see that. If he had an A and told you about it in a nice nonblaming way...how would you feel? Now picture yourself discovering he had lied for years about multiple affairs. How different would the reaction be? What if you approached him about the A you knew about, and he STILL LIED TO YOUR FACE! How enraged would you be?

Edited March 30, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband

[JustJoe]

No I feel it's much more judgmental here. I'm not seeking sympathy or validation. I know I was wrong that's why I quit the A. I just want to stop the cycle and figure out why I got to this horrible point in my life. It just bothers me that ppl here see only one way to fix things and I just can't picture my kids losing their home and what they see as a happy home. Yes I played the kid "card" ! Y'all think I'm a self wench anyway. The A was selfish, yes....the most selfish thing I've ever done and I NEVER want to be in one again. But I feel like I can live with guilt rather than see my family destroyed. I was at least strong enough to quit the A n shut up about me not loving my H. You all don't know me or my life or his and we are trying. I honestly believe most ppl here would love to "out" me if they could....would that make you happy? Destroy the lives of ppl u don't know?

Bella, don't go blaming other people. If the marriage fails it's not because of the affair being outed, it's because you had the affairs at all. If your marriage ends , it is because of your actions and lies and for no other reason. People are trying to help you, and all you do is get defensive and never try to understand at all. Edited April 15, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[whichwayisup]

But I feel like I can live with guilt rather than see my family destroyed. I was at least strong enough to quit the A n shut up about me not loving my H. You all don't know me or my life or his and we are trying. I honestly believe most ppl here would love to "out" me if they could....would that make you happy? Destroy the lives of ppl u don't know?

 

Fine, then don't tell your husband. It's your life, your marriage that will blow up and end when he finds out either on his own or if someone else tells him. NEVER SAY NEVER, it does happens. And most BS's who find out later feel that their marriage was a lie.

 

Nobody is destroying your life - This is an online forum. If you feel your life is destroyed it's because of your own choices. Please own that and don't put blame on anybody here for your mistakes.

 

You posted, people replied. Sure some are harsher than others, but everybody who has replied to you cares and is giving you helpful (yet harsh) advice that you need to at least take into consideration. Maybe right now your frame of mind isn't willing to "hear" what's being said. So, take a break and re-read everything in a week or two.

 

You are also letting fear of consquences and the fallout (you don't want to suffer any) rule over what the right thing to do is.

 

I bet you're using a one on one therapist not a marriage counsellor right? if this is a yes, then your therapist more than likely has "you" only as her concern, not you and your husband and the marriage. I'm sure she won't push you and she'll allow you to continue on in your marriage living a lie.

 

Hey, if you can live with the guilt (right now you say you can) but in 2 years or 10 years, you might really regret not telling your husband the truth.

[JustJoe]

I don't blame my husband at all for the choices I made and the whole reason I and I ALONE, chose to end the A was to try to get back to being a decent person and to keep my family intact. My exAP supports me in this decision to rebuild my marriage so I'm not concerned about him calling my husband to confess. I realize the majority of you think there is only ONE way but I'm not sure if you are aware that most affairs go undetected and that men are also more likely to leave a WW than a woman who has a WH. I am starting IC tomorrow and I will search for reasons within myself to see how I ended up at such a low point by making these choices. You all do realize that there aren't too many WW in this forum that came here in my situation. The majority of you are here after a Dday. I suppose my presence here is just pissing most ppl off and I think it is time to go.....I hope IC will help me get thru things

Bella, this is bullsh*t. If you go to a variety of infidelity sites, and if you look at the statistics, you will find that almost all affairs are found out at some point, something like 92% are eventually discovered or disclosed. I know what I'm talking about. My affair was disclosed by two different people, one was a cashier at a gas station, who knew me by sight, but who I didn't know personally, saw my AP and I together and mentioned it to a friend and it got back to my Commanding Officer. the other was a friend of my AP, who accidentally saw us coming out of a restaurant together holding hands, and mentioned it while she was drunk. See, you never know . The old saying is true, "three people can keep a secret, if two of them are dead"..