perfectlyflawed459 Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 (edited) Hello all! I have never posted in this thread before but I have posted on this site before. Some of you guys may already know me from when I use to post in the break ups and coping section of the site. I have not posted in awhile and life has been going great. I have been making many new friends and after so long, I finally was able to crawl out of the dark hole of my break up from my ex boyfriend of almost two years. In making more friends, there has been one particular guy friend of mine that I have always been attracted to. I am 18 and he is 21 and we have only known each other for a few months. When I met him, he barely started dating another girl. That was fine with me and I always remained good friends with him regardless while I just went on with my life. Well about a month ago, him and his gf had broken up after dating about 5-6 months. She broke up with him because it was long distance and such, but that is about all I know about it. So over spring break, about two weeks ago, he Facebook messaged me and we had continued just talking for a few days. One day, he finally asked me for my number and we began texting each other. This kept going on, when out of the blue told me that he always had a crush on me and wanted to get to know me better but was always very shy and nervous around me to make any sort of move, plus he had his gf. Then he asked if I felt the same way about him, which I admitted to him that I was always attracted to him as well and wanted to get to know him better too. So then he asked me what I wanted out of all this, which completely caught me off guard. I told him I wasn't sure but that I wanted to take things slow. He agreed and ever since we have been texting a lot. He is usually the one to initiate the converstations and ask me how work is, how I am doing, etc. What is also weird is that he likes to tease me about other guys and has asked me if I was interested in some of my guy friends whom I talk with a lot. I told him they are just my friends, but he still worries it seems because I naturally get along better with guys and my personality may come off as flirty. Regardless, he is still very sweet with me; we both work together and when we see each other he will compliment me on someting, visit the area I work at just to talk, tells me he wishes I could be there with him when he is out with friends, etc. We have tried to actually meet up, but usually something comes up with me or with him so it is kind of hard to make our schedules meet. However, even though things are good, I still have my doubts...He is a very good looking guy, like girls are constantly thowing themselves at him so he could really have any girl he wants in reality. Also, he is only a month out of his break up from that other girl. I asked him if he was okay from all that and he said he was already over and was ready to move on. He even told my mom (he works with my mom as a co manager) that he was over his ex and he told my friend that he was over her too. He also told my friend that he really really likes me, but wants to take things slowly just so he instills it into me that he likes me for the right reasons and that he is not just using me. In just the past two weeks though I have grown to really like him and now I am pretty sure that I would want to commit to him, but he still wants to take things slow. Sometimes I worry that he is losing interest in me because the past few days we have not been texting as much. I try to remind myself that it is not necessary to text someone all the time and that I would want him to still have his life and friends if we ended up dating, but I do miss hearing from him more. We are also both very very shy around each other, which I understand can come off the wrong way too. My question is what steps should I take in order to make things progress further, if possible? Also, what exactly does "taking it slow" really mean? Is he keeping his options open secretly? I am taking his word on everything he has told me, but not trying to expect much at the same time so I avoid disappointment if things don't work out. Deep down though I really really like him and want it to work. Edited March 26, 2012 by perfectlyflawed459 Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 The magic 8 ball is cloudy on this one. While there are good signs, there are also some possible red flags. I'd say if you're interested that you need to proceed slowly and not get too attached until you feel fully comfortable with this person. Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 what have you guys even done at this point? Like have you kissed or done more? My theory on this is its the guys role to face the rejection and propose "I want you to be my gf." "I don't want you seeing any other guys but me." You know that stuff. Generaly I wouldn't ask a girl to be my gf until we've atleast kissed... but probably not till we've had sex. I don't really get the taking it slow. Maybe he means he doesn't want to have sex for a while or comit to titles? In my mind if I like a girl I'll want to start having sex and being bf/gf soon. I mean he's already told you he liked you... which in my mind is lame. I believe in showing with actions first. Like taking the girl out on a date and kissing her then saying "I really like you and have since I saw you" etc. It sounds like you guys haven't dated or kissed though... So for me its lame to say "lets take it slow." Maybe he has another girl on the side or maybe he's just a confusing guy. For me just dating doesn't mean anything seirous. I believe you can break up with your gf any time if you stopped liking her its not like a promise to get married. Its just two people being honest and caring with eachother with no alterior motives. Link to post Share on other sites
Author perfectlyflawed459 Posted March 26, 2012 Author Share Posted March 26, 2012 @Philosoraptor: Yea it is a little cloudy, but you are right. I mean this has only been going on for two weeks and we have only known each other for a few months. It would not be wise to jump the gun into a relationship...perhaps it just needs more time and some optimism! @Dust: We have not actually been out together...yet! Like I said, our schedules are crazy...him being a full time manager and me being a full time student. I guess everyone has different ways of displaying affection, but I do not think he wants to rush into hitting the sheets with me. I mean he told my friend he wants to make absolutely sure that I know that he isn't just using me or trying to get into my pants. As far as actions, I mean he is very caring and sweet and attentive. Yea we may not be pouncing on each other already, but his sweetness has to count for something right? Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 Well you like him so what ever he is doing is working. The thing is there happens to be a window of oportunity with a woman. You're cute if I lived in your area I'd attempt a robbery as in stealing you away from this guy. It was lame to be all "I like you" and "I want to take this slow." In the end he's just confusing you and taking you one step closer to getting bored of him. Then again you are here posting and thinking about him. Worried he might stop likeing you... Thing is its perfectly normal for a guy to want to get in a girls pants. I mean if he doesn't thats the real problem... thing is a good guy is honest about his intentions. So yes I want to get into girls pants... but no I don't have one night stands. So if I'm trying to get into your pants its also because I like you as a person and I want to know you and date you. Its not just about seeing another girl naked and having sex with her while I look for the next notch. Heres my opinion on the guy... yet to be determined. Just have fun and don';t let him mess with you like show care and then disapear and the come back... You know rude stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Author perfectlyflawed459 Posted March 27, 2012 Author Share Posted March 27, 2012 (edited) ***UPDATE*** Well yesterday I had found out that he is still having issues with his ex girlfriend. She had called him up the other night and pretty much cussed him out and she found him yesterday at work and they ended up talking and arguing again. So I texted him this: "First I just want to say that it is very flattering all the sweet things you have done for me, however I respect you enough to be honest with you. I overheard that you are still having issues with your ex girlfriend and I do not want to interfere with that. I want you to get that sorted out and I want you to be happy with whatever it is that you want right now. Even though I knew what I wanted out of this and still care about you a lot, I know it is best for me to let you go so you can figure some things out. If you ever need anything, I will always be here for you as a friend." He texted back: "I am very appreciative, you are very accommodating and don't think that I think any less or different of you. I am just trying to get everything figured out and I am incredibly impressed with your maturity. Thank you." So yea, that is that I suppose. He may be "over" his ex girlfriend, but he sure isn't over their break up since they keep fighting and I know I do not want to deal with their drama. I do not know what this means for him and I or if he even genuinely felt something for me to begin with, but I do know he is going through a lot in his life right now and I think it is best for me to be there for him as a friend only. I do not think he is ready emotionally to settle down and that is perfectly normal and fine, I mean it took me a year to finally cope with losing my ex boyfriend so I understand what he is going through. Although I would be lying if I said I am not a little disappointed...I mean I really did like him and was finally ready to open up to someone again. I will be okay though, I am glad this happened now and not later and I respect him that he didn't try to hit it and quit it or use me ya know? He was respectful with me and I am very grateful for that much. Edited March 27, 2012 by perfectlyflawed459 Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 What was mature about what you did is you a) looked out for yourself b) were respectful about it and c) you're avoiding drama! Good job! He's probably helping to fuel the drama with his ex. If it was totaly her he could have just told you "I've cut all communication with my ex and if she comes to work again I'm just going to avoid her and not play games." Then he could have said "I want you so lets continue bringing us foward." Instead he just kind of accepted things are still playing out with his ex and undertands your reluctance to hurt yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author perfectlyflawed459 Posted March 28, 2012 Author Share Posted March 28, 2012 What was mature about what you did is you a) looked out for yourself b) were respectful about it and c) you're avoiding drama! Good job! He's probably helping to fuel the drama with his ex. If it was totaly her he could have just told you "I've cut all communication with my ex and if she comes to work again I'm just going to avoid her and not play games." Then he could have said "I want you so lets continue bringing us foward." Instead he just kind of accepted things are still playing out with his ex and undertands your reluctance to hurt yourself. Thank you, I tried to makes things end as smooth and dramaless as possible. He has a lot going on right now in his life on top of his ex girlfriend so if anything, I want him to sort things out, get his crap together, and be there for him as a friend. Besides, like I said, I can sympathize with what he is going through because I was there not too long ago myself. He said he didn't think any less or differently of me, so I guess now my question is if he still has interest in me, or did he ever have interest in me to begin with? Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 Thank you, I tried to makes things end as smooth and dramaless as possible. He has a lot going on right now in his life on top of his ex girlfriend so if anything, I want him to sort things out, get his crap together, and be there for him as a friend. Besides, like I said, I can sympathize with what he is going through because I was there not too long ago myself. He said he didn't think any less or differently of me, so I guess now my question is if he still has interest in me, or did he ever have interest in me to begin with? Well he obviously had interest in you and that doesn't just go away. Thing is he is obviously going through a lot of stuff and you called him on it. You didn't need to do that but you probably would have put yourself in a bad position and wished you had listened to your gut. After you called him out on the drama of still speaking and arguing with his ex he could have said "look I really like you and I'm just not going to talk with her anymore" He could sweet talked you and said "No we are going out!" Tried his best not to lose you because of the drama... he didn't that. He didn't chase you. I really believe a guy needs to chase a girl in the begining. I mean you've chasing him a little... In the end both parties have to chase eachother. I think you made the best decision for yourself even if you wish things had worked out diferently. If you're still single and he figures out he wants you and tries then maybe you'll still like him and you can't start new. If not his loss, I'm sure some other guy with out as much drama or atleast willing to fight for you will come along soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author perfectlyflawed459 Posted March 28, 2012 Author Share Posted March 28, 2012 Well he obviously had interest in you and that doesn't just go away. Thing is he is obviously going through a lot of stuff and you called him on it. You didn't need to do that but you probably would have put yourself in a bad position and wished you had listened to your gut. After you called him out on the drama of still speaking and arguing with his ex he could have said "look I really like you and I'm just not going to talk with her anymore" He could sweet talked you and said "No we are going out!" Tried his best not to lose you because of the drama... he didn't that. He didn't chase you. I really believe a guy needs to chase a girl in the begining. I mean you've chasing him a little... In the end both parties have to chase eachother. I think you made the best decision for yourself even if you wish things had worked out diferently. If you're still single and he figures out he wants you and tries then maybe you'll still like him and you can't start new. If not his loss, I'm sure some other guy with out as much drama or atleast willing to fight for you will come along soon. Well I mean he did chase me in the sense that he was the first one to admit his feelings, text me, ask me how my day was, and all that stuff. I just know it is hard to invest in someone else fully when you are still having issues with an ex or with life in general. I know I sound like I am making excuses for him, but I really can sympathize with him. I am glad, if anything, that he respected me enough to not lead me on by saying there was not a problem going on. That means a lot to me because I know many guys would have taken advantage of things and lied to me just to get in my pants or something, which would have hurt waayyy more. I really really appreciate that from him and that respect has to count for something. Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted March 29, 2012 Share Posted March 29, 2012 Well I mean he did chase me in the sense that he was the first one to admit his feelings, text me, ask me how my day was, and all that stuff. I just know it is hard to invest in someone else fully when you are still having issues with an ex or with life in general. I know I sound like I am making excuses for him, but I really can sympathize with him. I am glad, if anything, that he respected me enough to not lead me on by saying there was not a problem going on. That means a lot to me because I know many guys would have taken advantage of things and lied to me just to get in my pants or something, which would have hurt waayyy more. I really really appreciate that from him and that respect has to count for something. I would have taken full advantage of you given the oportunity!!! But no lieing needed. All he had to do was ignore his ex and focus on you. I can't believe you're only 18!!! hahah. Just keep looking out for yourself a lot of young girls your age pretty much sacrifice their own needs just to make some guy happy. If you put yourself first you'll meet a guy where the relationship is about sharing love and joy... not about humiliating yourself or getting sad... etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author perfectlyflawed459 Posted March 30, 2012 Author Share Posted March 30, 2012 I would have taken full advantage of you given the oportunity!!! But no lieing needed. All he had to do was ignore his ex and focus on you. I can't believe you're only 18!!! hahah. Just keep looking out for yourself a lot of young girls your age pretty much sacrifice their own needs just to make some guy happy. If you put yourself first you'll meet a guy where the relationship is about sharing love and joy... not about humiliating yourself or getting sad... etc. Haha well he texted me the other day and he made small talk, so at least we are still on great terms and things aren't awkward. Plus my mom says he has been talking about me to her a lot lately at work. We will see where things go, but things are fine this way for right now Yea I definitely am trying to put myself first more so I do not get walked all over again like my ex did to me. No matter what, school is number one priority and I always keep that in mind! Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted March 30, 2012 Share Posted March 30, 2012 I would have txted and asked what you were wearing and to send me a pic! haha Thats good that he's just acting normal like nothing happened only a loser would act all weird just cause he liked you and now you're not dating. Asking your mom a lot of questions eh, he can't stop thinking about you. The though of walking on you sounds good... I mean never! Enjoy your school and learn about the things you love. Link to post Share on other sites
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