dyerdistressone Posted June 14, 2004 Share Posted June 14, 2004 I've known this girl for about six months and we've been dating for about 5 months. About a month into our dating relationship, I asked if I could introduce her to my friends as my girlfriend and she said that would be fine. We were officially boyfriend and girlfrend for about 3 months from then on; we were each other's first boyfriend/girlfriend. About a month ago, we were on a walk together and I could tell that she was very distant. She finally asked me where our relationship was going. She was concerned that it was going too fast and was afraid that I was looking into marriage. I assured her that I was just living for today and not for the future. She told me that she wanted me to be apart of her life and that I was her best male friend. She also said that she was still attracted to me physically and emotionally, but that she also felt that the whole boyfriend/girlfriend commitment was too much pressure for her to take. All this was so hard for her to tell me because she says that she was not a very good communicator. We didn't necessarily "breakup," but she said we changed up the title of "boyfriend/girlfriend." She put it all in the most perfect analogy; we are both walking down a beach in the ocean and she is only ankle deep in the water, but I am knee deep in the water. She wants me to come back to her and walk side-by-side with her together in the ankle deep water. Apparently, she had been dealing with these thoughts and feelings for a good month before she told me. The main idea she had was that I had more invested in the relationship than she did, meaning that I was looking into the future of us instead of the present. She said that nothing has changed in our relationship, except that we are slowing down. All of her points were valid, especially with me moving too fast; When I was knee deep, I would write her these "letters of affirmation" and send them to her. These weren't necessarily "love letters," but letters that lifted her up and encouraged her and contained personal feelings about us. She would get these letters and be blown away by what I wrote; they were so overwhelming to her, that she could not read them straight through in one sitting. It also doesn't help the fact that I asked her to wear my class ring, which she had for about 2 and a half months, until she gave it back for my high school graduation. I only kissed her a handful of times, until I asked her if I was stepping into personal bounderies. She said that she has some bad moments with kissing and that she does not want to have an emotional attatchment to me; perhaps this also added to the pressure. A month has passed since that conversation and she was right; nothing has changed, except that we are slowing down. To me, this all sounds like it is a mental release to her. We still act as if we are boyfriend and girlfriend; we still snuggle up during a movie and hold hands and all that stuff, except for the kissing. My problem is that I am really confused where I stand with her; we are best friends and very much attracted to each other, but are we boyfriend/girlfriend or just "friends with benefits?" What exactly are we? I know this is a lot of information all jumbled together, but please help this distressed/confused heart! Link to post Share on other sites
suzyq2 Posted June 14, 2004 Share Posted June 14, 2004 You need to read Mars and Venus on a Date. Most relationships can start out this way. The book is wonderful at explaining the dynamics of how people can be at different places in a relationship at the same time. You have to be on the same level at the same time to make it work. Back off for a while and give her some space and maybe she will see just how wonderful you really are. Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted June 14, 2004 Share Posted June 14, 2004 If you are confused about where you stand with this girl, then you need to ask her bluntly. Walk up to her and ask, "Are you my girlfriend?" Do not accept any answer but "Yes" or "No". If you want to know something, ask her specifically and be sure to get solid answers. "Yes" or "No" are the best responses. I would not accept any response unless you are completely without doubt as to her meaning and intentions. Don't get sucked into those easily misinterpreted analogies. She is either with you or she is not. You are either exclusive or you are not. You deserve to know this and not be strung along. If you are not exclusive then you need to discuss how you are going to conduct your relationship, if you are her boyfriend, or if you are just dating. If she is confused about titles, well that is just to me complete silliness. If she agrees to dating you, and only you (exclusively), to me that is the same thing as boyfriend/girlfriend. That approach, however, might get a better response from this girl as she "is confused about labels". Just be sure you know 100% what she means. If she says something and you don't COMPLETELY understand it without ANY doubts, ask her to rephrase it. Communication is VERY important! Link to post Share on other sites
Author dyerdistressone Posted June 16, 2004 Author Share Posted June 16, 2004 I have stepped back and let her reach out to me. Should I continue stepping back by not calling her and let her call me? We're going to be apart for awhile on vacation, should I eliminate all contact? What are steps that I can take to get past this? Link to post Share on other sites
ladyangel Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 Sounds like you're having relationship problems, Dyer. I'll just give the same advice everyone else has. Talk to her. Find out what she wants from the relationship. And if it's not the same thing you want, you'll either have to live with it or move on. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 I would suggest still calling her. She wants that. Sounds like what she doesn't want is the continuing of those letters. She wants some what of a challenge. If you put 'everything' out there at once, then what does she have to look forward to? I know it sounds stupid to some, but to others that's a necessity. Everyone is different, so the best approach is to continue what you are doing. Let her come to you emotionally. Let her make the next step (ie. kissing). If you stop calling or talking to her, she'll be taking that as an ultamatium. That you either want to end it, or push for more. You don't want her thinking that about you, it'll just scare her away. Also realize that you are still only 15 or 16 years old. Alot of things are new to both of you, so she wants to take it slow. Relationships that start off slow are usually the ones that last. Link to post Share on other sites
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