Long and overdue, No clue !

[superstaroxox]

This is very long and I am hoping and praying someone will read this and give me some advice. I have been struggling with severe depression for a long time now and I NEED to make some decisions and get a hold of my life again. Here is my story, please read!

So I got married a month after I turned 18. I was definitely a rebel in my age. I grew up in a very loving home but always felt this need to rebel and to be around broken people. I craved to have a more interesting life and felt embarassed of my "perfect" life. I hung out with the bad kids and met my husband at 17. He was 23 and the "baddest" of everyone else I had met. However, he did treat me amazing and I quickly fell in love with him. This was intensified when he went to jail and I had that feeling as if I could not live without him. He came from an extremely broken home like I had never heard of before and we became sort of obsessed with each other. We were both craving this love we felt we didn't have and it was that kind of love where we felt like we would die for each other. Anyway, we got married and wrote all these extremely loving letters back and forth. He dropped ALL his bad influence friends and promised NEVER to get in trouble again. He promised to come home and get a job and promised we'd have this amazing life together and have a family someday. But when he came home, even though I was CRAZY excited, it was just different right away. It wasn't the same anymore and we were both wondering what had happened to our fairy tale. The passion died down and we started arguing constantly. We started hiding our feelings instead of talking about them like we always did, and that made us very distant. We then ended up having a miscarriage and things got even worse. I grew VERY depressed and felt like I didn't even know who I was anymore. My parents were angry with me for getting married to him and didn't accept him at all. He couldn't find a job because of his record and tattoos and we were both miserable about our constant struggling. Well, 2 years later and things haven't changed much except for the fact that we are much better at talking about our feelings. We openly discuss how much we do love each other and how much we want to make things work, but then we get in huge arguments the next day. We are trying so hard but we have so much damage done to our relationship. Since then, we had another miscarriage. I have been having my own private struggle with my husband being a little controlling. I feel like I am unable to have relationships with other people and am depressed with the fact that I really have no friends. It is hard for me to make friends because I am so insecure with myself after this relationship, when I used to be so confident before. I am antisocial and although he is trying really hard, I always feel he is going to get mad at me for doing something wrong. He says he is just "old-fashioned" and he doesn't think I should hang out with, be friends with, and OMG he has flipped when I have hugged a guy before. He gets mad when my friends talk about other guys as well. He really is trying but I think he's just insecure and he says he feels like I can do better sometimes. He still hasen't able to find work although he tries and we are struggling horribly. Right now we are getting kicked out of our house and don't know where to go next. It is frustrating that I support us although I know he really tries. He has COMPLETELY stayed out of trouble and is even going to tattoo removal monthly. I am just super depressed with my life and a part of me wants to leave him soo bad, but every time I have tried I just can't. I love him with all my heart but I just can't see myself having the best life I can possibly have with him, and I only have one life to live; I want it to be the BEST life I can have! When I think of my life before, I know it had it's flaws, but I remember many times I was truly happy. I imagine leaving him and coming back home with my family and I know I could be truly happy over time. It's so hard though because I feel so much guilt; I know that if I left him, he would probably be completely homeless. He has no family, no friends, and no source of income. I would be making the decision to leave him with NOTHING. But that's not the only thing: I really do love him and am so attached to him. He has tried to leave me before because even though he loves me so much he sees how badly I am hurting and doesn't want this for me, and I have begged him to come back. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Even when I make the decision to just be with him and try my hardest I end up messing it up and we end up getting in a huge screaming match. I know he deserves better but he has this mentality that I'm the only thing he has in this world and without me he just won't even try to be a better person; he'd just fall apart. I don't know what to do. I am so depressed and feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I am soo scared that I am going to feel like this forever. I have gotten distant from my family and am just now trying to get that back. Plus, all I do is work all day and then pretty much sit at home cuz we never have money to do anything. Gosh, I love him so much but I just feel like this relationship has done nothing but damaged my life and myself. I have NEVER felt this way before plus I have a lot of trauma and anxiety because we have gone through some really severe stuff together that, if it weren't for him, wouldn't have happened. I know his old life isn't his fault but it's like I would never have to go through this if I never married him. I am a completely different person now and I don't know what I was thinking hanging out with such bad people and taking my life and family for granted! Now I know the true meaning of life and what I really want. I keep having hope that maybe I can be happy with him and I am trying and so is he. But even the times I want to leave I just start thinking about how much I love him and all the good memories I have where it seemed like we truly love each other, and he's crying and telling me how much he loves me and I know he truly does. And then I just literally can't. I feel like I'd never be able to leave him. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, maybe I should just be happy that I have someone who really truly loves me and just live with it! But I also wish he could change some of his ways I know he'd NEVER be able to change. What to do guys?????

[Starman8]

I don't think there's a simple answer to your situation. It seems to me that your relationship with this man is somewhat of an unhealthy addiction.

 

You said it yourself, that you are being held back and deserve the best that life has to offer. There are plenty of couples out there that have healthy, loving relationships without screaming at each other and are able to enjoy friendships with other people. I think friendships outside of a romantic relationship are vital to a relationship's survival and it also demonstrates a partners trust and security.

 

Perhaps you need a long break away from the relationship to gain some perspective? How will you know what other life possibilities are out there if you are constantly dealing with drama and doubt?

 

One thing I've learned is that it takes more than just love to make a relationship work. I wish I could offer more, but hopefully this is a start.

[cflowers32]

I have to tell you that I don't know how young you still are, but you do have your whole life ahead of you, live it!!!

 

If you have not had kids with him yet, that may be a blessing. I am sorry for your loss, but you wrote a lot and there is a lot to respond to.

 

Yes, you're married, but what financially have either of you brought to the table? Not much I'm guessing.

 

I am going to tell you what I think you should do, and I hope that after you get more advice, think about it, think about bringing kids into this and it getting worse, he gets worse, and it can happen, and it will suck!!!

 

I say part with him. You cannot worry about how he is going to live his life, you cannot support someone else, they have to make the effort and people can fly on their own when they are forced to. Is he flying now?

 

If at best, GO TO COUNSELING!!!! And make it happen.

 

If you want any relationship to work, it does take actual work.

 

Good luck, it sounds like you have a lot to deal with and a lot of it sounds like it could be a bad situation, or become worse.

 

I hope you're able to do the right thing, whatever that is. At your young age, a divorce could be a learning experience. Take some time off from any intimate relationships, get to know you, and try again later.

 

I also still encourage you to talk to a counselor. He sounds so unhealthy, and no one should WANT to be with an unhealthy person.

Edited March 27, 2012 by cflowers32

[superstaroxox]

I don't think there's a simple answer to your situation. It seems to me that your relationship with this man is somewhat of an unhealthy addiction.

 

You said it yourself, that you are being held back and deserve the best that life has to offer. There are plenty of couples out there that have healthy, loving relationships without screaming at each other and are able to enjoy friendships with other people. I think friendships outside of a romantic relationship are vital to a relationship's survival and it also demonstrates a partners trust and security.

 

Perhaps you need a long break away from the relationship to gain some perspective? How will you know what other life possibilities are out there if you are constantly dealing with drama and doubt?

 

One thing I've learned is that it takes more than just love to make a relationship work. I wish I could offer more, but hopefully this is a start.

 

Thank you so much for responding. You are completely correct that it is an unhealthy addiction. I feel like he is my drug; I need him and love him but he is bad for me. I know the truth about our realtionship and want to get away, and then the other part of me doesn't want to accept it and just keeps hopelessly trying at something that is just not working. I want to get away for a while but I feel like I just can't. We're trying to find a place to live and I feel I just can't up and leave him and come home to my family and leave him without a place to live. I know I can't live like this, staying with someone out of guilt, but like I said it's not just that. Although it's a big part of it. I'm just so lost and feeling so hopeless in my life. Thanks so much for the response, I do agree that it takes much more than love to make a relationship work.

[superstaroxox]

I have to tell you that I don't know how young you still are, but you do have your whole life ahead of you, live it!!!

 

If you have not had kids with him yet, that may be a blessing. I am sorry for your loss, but you wrote a lot and there is a lot to respond to.

 

Yes, you're married, but what financially have either of you brought to the table? Not much I'm guessing.

 

I am going to tell you what I think you should do, and I hope that after you get more advice, think about it, think about bringing kids into this and it getting worse, he gets worse, and it can happen, and it will suck!!!

 

I say part with him. You cannot worry about how he is going to live his life, you cannot support someone else, they have to make the effort and people can fly on their own when they are forced to. Is he flying now?

 

If at best, GO TO COUNSELING!!!! And make it happen.

 

If you want any relationship to work, it does take actual work.

 

Good luck, it sounds like you have a lot to deal with and a lot of it sounds like it could be a bad situation, or become worse.

 

I hope you're able to do the right thing, whatever that is. At your young age, a divorce could be a learning experience. Take some time off from any intimate relationships, get to know you, and try again later.

 

I also still encourage you to talk to a counselor. He sounds so unhealthy, and no one should WANT to be with an unhealthy person.

 

I am 20 years old, and I feel like I've lived way too much of unhappiness even though it's only been 3 years. I do agree that kids were not the best idea and have now completely changed my mind about that, at least for now in our situation. I get angry because I know even though he's trying he can do so much more to better his life. I understand he is unhealthy for me but I do love him and I understand the way he is because of everything he's been through. He doesn't have much going for him and doesn't have much hope for himself. Everything in his life is negativity and it makes me miserable. I can never be happy because there's always something going on with him. He's still an amazing and good person even though he sometimes doesn't show it. We are planning on counseling as soon as our insurance works out. And I do fantasize about leaving him and taking time to find myself again. I'm just so stuck and confused about whether I love him enough to stay or not. Thank you for your response!

Edited March 27, 2012 by superstaroxox