Am I crazy or should I worry?

[chocoholic]

I feel like my boyfriend is cheating on me and I dont know what to do. I dont really have any proof (but there are little things that make me worry), so I dont know if I am just being insecure or if I should talk to him. I dont want to be like a psycho girlfriend or anything, but I have been cheated on in the past and it is something I am always scared of. We have been dating for a few years, and he tells me he loves me, and I believe it, but I just have this terrible feeling. My emotions are all mixed up. I dont want to lose him, but I cannot take being cheated on. I dont know how to approach him about it, and I dont know how I would react if it were true. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!!

[uriel]

What are the little things that have led you to doubt him? Why are you doubting him now? Have you ever had doubts before? People here can give much better advice if they know these particulars. For example, are you starting to wonder why he hasn't popped the question?

 

Also, is there something going on with you right now that makes you especially anxious?

 

-- uriel

[chocoholic]

I am not worried about him popping the question and am fine with the way we are for now. Some of the things that make me worry are: He takes night classes and usually studies before hand in a coffe shop near his school. He forgot a book so I thought I would surprise him and bring it to him. When I walked in he was sitting at a table with a woman. They were not sitting "together", but they were talking to each other with smiles and laughter. I also found some text messages on his phone where someone said they missed seeing him and also called him good looking. I have not said anything to him about my issues with all of this, but would like an idea on how to handle it. I am normally a very sweet and understanding woman, but will not tolerate it if he is doing something behind my back. I care about him so much, but feel a great deal of pain right now thinking about what he might do to me or is doing to me.

[supermom]

When I walked in he was sitting at a table with a woman. They were not sitting "together", but they were talking to each other with smiles and laughter.

 

This would not alarm me personally....

 

I also found some text messages on his phone where someone said they missed seeing him and also called him good looking.

 

I would not like this at all if I saw that, that is more alarming.....

 

Did you find out who texted him? I'd text her back and tell her what's up.

 

but I have been cheated on in the past and it is something I am always scared of.

 

Have you noticed similar signs with this one?

 

IMO usually your gut feeling is telling you something, don't ignore it.

 

Good luck, but find out who's been texting him.

 

keep us posted

[savethedrama4allama]

You are his girlfriend, you have every right to ask who the woman was at the table and who the text messages are from. You also have every right to say that text messages to that effect are inappropriate and that he should not be receiving them. Don't make the same mistake I did, I didn't ask enough questions because I wanted to be "easygoing", "mature", and "not jealous." I was also embarassed to admit that I looked into his phone. But hey, he shouldn't have anything to hide. There is a difference between psycho jealousy and asking questions when red flags pop up. Psycho jealous is nagging him when you have no reason not to trust him, but you have all the right to calmly question him about these recent findings. Good luck.

[Phelly]

definitely find out who's texting him.

 

It might or might not be anything yet but I think it can easily turn into something if you don't confront him.

 

I would recommend being very honest and up front with him, letting him know that you're not accusing him of anything but that he is scaring you.

 

Of course, chances are he'll say things like "why'd you look at my messages" and "don't you trust me" and of course the response is, yea, if I didn't trust you then I wouldn't bother to ask if you're cheating. I'd have assumed it already.

[uriel]

I don't think the coffee shop encounter's a problem. I talk with people nearby me in such situations all the time. They hadn't moved to sit together, weren't touching, etc. so you're likely fine there.

 

The text messages are another issue. What this other person was saying wasn't appropriate. You can't be sure he did something to encourage her to say what she did, but she didn't seem to think she was going to get the brush off either. I think the best thing to do there is to come clean and admit you violated his privacy. Despite what others here have said, you don't have a right to do that.

 

He does have a right, however, to get upset about it. You wouldn't want him rifling through your things, would you? Nobody responds well to that. On top of just the violation, it shows you don't trust him. That's a blow to the foundation of the relationship -- how serious depends on context and history.

 

Now, this still doesn't get him out of addressing that he's accepting these sorts of messages from a woman. A man in a committed relationship should write her back to say that he's flattered BUT he doesn't want to give his lady any reason to feel uncomfortable. He should also have mentioned it to you (that's what I do when a man comes on to me -- I tell him no and then I tell my husband). The rule is, if he can't say it or hear it in front of you, then there's something wrong with it.

 

If he cares about your feelings and wants to put your fears to rest, he'll cut this other woman's texting right off. But, you'll still have the deal with the fallout of your actions -- which aren't so sterling here.

 

-- uriel