How do I get attracted to my wife again?

[Ninja'sHusband]

If her weight is affecting you, it's affecting you. You need to be honest. It's gonna suck...cause things like that are hard to bring up without sounding materialistic. But hey, sex is a materialistic thing but is important to marriage. Just be honest. It's about what you need, you can also mention losing weight is healthy...but I wouldn't delude that this is about anything else about your needs, and that's actually ok. If her not knowing is hurting your marriage, I think it's worse for her not to know than to keep it a secret or downplay it. What if an attractive woman started coming on to you? Then what?

 

I wouldn't belabor the point though. Just make sure you are heard.

 

Oh and yes I think the way women and men value this kinda stuff is EXTREMELY different. Visual stimulation I think is a much much bigger deal to guys.

Edited April 26, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband

[dazednveryconfused]

If her weight is affecting you, it's affecting you. You need to be honest. It's gonna suck...cause things like that are hard to bring up without sounding materialistic. But hey, sex is a materialistic thing but is important to marriage. Just be honest. It's about what you need, you can also mention losing weight is healthy...but I wouldn't delude that this is about anything else about your needs, and that's actually ok. If her not knowing is hurting your marriage, I think it's worse for her not to know than to keep it a secret or downplay it. What if an attractive woman started coming on to you? Then what?

 

I wouldn't belabor the point though. Just make sure you are heard.

 

Oh and yes I think the way women and men value this kinda stuff is EXTREMELY different. Visual stimulation I think is a much much bigger deal to guys.

 

I have brought it up and she knows. but she was very defensive, and thats when she would say stuff like "why cant you love me for the way i look." We have a really large emotional disconnect which we are currently working on in counselling.

[TigerCub]

TBH I find this kind of offensive. If H told me he was no longer attracted to me because of my weight (or any other physical characteristic) I think that would be a deal breaker. And I say that as a wife who has been cheated on and we are working through that. THAT I can imagine working through at least but being rejected for looks? The fact xOW is prettier than me, while just a coincidence and not the reason he cheated, is one of my biggest hurdles.

 

I am not significantly heavier than we we married, probably 10-15 pounds and weve been together over a decade and have 3 small kids... But I have always been overweight due to health issues. It seriously is not within my control the way people think it is. Yeah I could lose 10 pounds with diet and exercise or anxiety, but not the 40 pounds needed to make me slim. It's just a fact and no amount of "it's easy you eat less and exercise more" crap is going to change that. I nearly killed myself trying as a teen until an endocrinologist told me I just had to accept I would always be overweight and try to stay in overweight not obese. You won't have noticed but people who are overweight are always called obese in society.

 

Ok back to the issue. 2 thigs have changed: your feelings and your wife's looks. Why do you assume she's the one who Gould change exactly? How's about you try to grow into a better person, one who is attracted to beauty from within? I'm serious. I see your attitude as a serious character flaw and yet everyone's telling you that you have every right?

 

By all means take their advice and ask her ad gently as you like to slim down. I don't like the chances of a pretty outcome though and I feel for your wife.

 

Its not his fault that he is no longer attracted to his wife that 's let herself go. That doesn't make him a bad person.

 

People are attracted to what they're attracted to.

 

I remember your posts, I remember one where you were feeling bad because your H's OW is skinny and pretty and you felt bad because somehow your husband made you believe that looks don't matter to him (I'm summarizing, not quoting).

 

With all due respect, I think its naive to pretend that men aren't visual and aren't drawn to beauty.

 

Don't get me wrong, overall beauty and inner beauty matter and should matter the most, but that doesn't completely take away the value of outer beauty.

 

As OP said, it is because his wife CAN do something about it, but chose not to, that this upsets him.

 

I can see how it makes him feel like she's not valuing the relationship enough to stay in shape and stay looking good for her man.

 

And that would be HER character flaw.

 

I understand that no one will look exactly like the day they got married, and with age, with kids, with life & stress, we don't stay the same, but it is still important for people to still put in the effort for one another, or else its saying "ok, lets settle into this rut - and you're bad if you don't get hot for me anymore" - that's completely unfair.

[xxoo]

From what I can see is that men need the pysical attraction before they can feel emotionally attracted, and with women its the opposite. correct me if i'm wrong.

 

I think there is some truth to that, but we'd hope that once the emotional attachment/love is established, physical changes wouldn't undo it. Weight is one issue, but we all age, and sometimes there are changes that come with injury or illness, and men who are deeply in love remain attracted through those changes.

 

I understand that you are discerning between things she can control and things she can not--and putting her weight into the category of things she can control. And on some level, that is true, but apparently it is very difficult for her. Few people enjoy being overweight. Do you think she would be overweight if she could manage otherwise? I am not saying that she can't control it--but obviously there are issue preventing her from doing so. Do you know what they are?

[dazednveryconfused]

I think there is some truth to that, but we'd hope that once the emotional attachment/love is established, physical changes wouldn't undo it. Weight is one issue, but we all age, and sometimes there are changes that come with injury or illness, and men who are deeply in love remain attracted through those changes.

 

I understand that you are discerning between things she can control and things she can not--and putting her weight into the category of things she can control. And on some level, that is true, but apparently it is very difficult for her. Few people enjoy being overweight. Do you think she would be overweight if she could manage otherwise? I am not saying that she can't control it--but obviously there are issue preventing her from doing so. Do you know what they are?

 

I definitely agree with your first statement. changing physical appearance due to aging, illness or injury are uncontrolable.

 

I think it's difficult because of the scenario that we are in, which is what we are going to cousnelling for. I don't think she would be overweight if she could manage otherwise...

 

the way I see it is that I fell in love with a person with certain phsyical, peronality, etc characteristics. I understand people change, but what if every characteristic that I fell in love with has changed, am I supposed to be as attracted to her as i was before?

[The Blue Knight]

TBH I find this kind of offensive. If H told me he was no longer attracted to me because of my weight (or any other physical characteristic) I think that would be a deal breaker. And I say that as a wife who has been cheated on and we are working through that. THAT I can imagine working through at least but being rejected for looks? The fact xOW is prettier than me, while just a coincidence and not the reason he cheated, is one of my biggest hurdles.

 

I am not significantly heavier than we we married, probably 10-15 pounds and weve been together over a decade and have 3 small kids... But I have always been overweight due to health issues. It seriously is not within my control the way people think it is. Yeah I could lose 10 pounds with diet and exercise or anxiety, but not the 40 pounds needed to make me slim. It's just a fact and no amount of "it's easy you eat less and exercise more" crap is going to change that. I nearly killed myself trying as a teen until an endocrinologist told me I just had to accept I would always be overweight and try to stay in overweight not obese. You won't have noticed but people who are overweight are always called obese in society.

 

Ok back to the issue. 2 thigs have changed: your feelings and your wife's looks. Why do you assume she's the one who Gould change exactly? How's about you try to grow into a better person, one who is attracted to beauty from within? I'm serious. I see your attitude as a serious character flaw and yet everyone's telling you that you have every right?

 

By all means take their advice and ask her ad gently as you like to slim down. I don't like the chances of a pretty outcome though and I feel for your wife.

I'm not trying to be offensive or hurtful to anyone. Dazed isn't in the midst of an affair as seems to be something you've experienced. He's struggling with his attractiveness towards his wife and that's a very real feeling for him right now. And frankly, it's that type of relationship that leaves Dazed in a situation where affairs often do occur.

 

You'll note that I excluded "medical problems" from my post. There are people with legitimate medical problems which effects their weight. At the same time, there are many who *use* medical issues as an excuse for the added weight they carry around.

 

If you're familiar with the Nazi concentration camps during WW II you'll note that each individual in those liberated camp photos and films has nearly the same exact basic body mass . . . the result of severe malnutrition and starvation. I can assure you that each of those individuals came to those camps in varying degrees of body fat, body shape, and most assuredly some were overweight. The point is anyone on the planet can lose weight if they put less calories in than what their body needs to sustain itself daily. Just just a mathematical fact.

 

With regard to your bolded comment above, I'm sorry, that's just not a realistic approach for a lot of people. It's like suggesting someone eat asparagus even if they clearly don't enjoy it (I like it by the way ).

 

Sexual and sensual feelings come largely from the physical appearance of the person we are hooked into.

 

You can meet the nicest person in the world and if there is no physical chemistry it's doesn't matter how nice or wonderful they are, it's just not going to happen. Contrastingly, chemistry can develop over time between two people who don't have it initially, but over time it blossoms.

 

Yes, their personality, their sense of humor, their values, all play into our attractiveness toward our significant other. But you can't just outright replace that physical aspect of the relationship by asking someone to focus "on the beauty within."

 

My wife is just a few pounds overweight. I'd prefer she lost those extra pounds . . . as much for her health as any other reason. I can see past it because of how I feel about her, so at the moment it's not a problem for me. But I can tell you with certainty that if she put on too many extra pounds, I'd most definitely lose that chemistry for her, and she's probably the nicest person I've ever met.

[The Blue Knight]

Hmmm I never thought about it like that...

 

I do feel very strongly about seperating stuff you do or don't have control over. For example, i would never judge someone based on the colour of their skin, the height that they are, etc. I have let her know this.

 

Anyone else have an opinion on using the strategy of mirroring her own logic?

 

I'd agree with you my friend. My mother raised a very nice BK from childhood and she taught me you don't make fun of, or blame someone for something beyond their control, and I never have.

 

Weight is generally very much subject to an individual's disciplinary ability to control 2 things - 1. Caloric Intake 2. Energy Output.

 

In other words a restricted diet with good food choices and regular intense daily exercise is going to correct most of these problems. I've seen this many times and I belong to two fitness centers. Men and women who came in 18 months ago and are just dedicated to achieving their goals. They don't let laziness or excuses get in their way, and you'd be surprised what they can achieve given that "renewed" mindset.

 

I'm not sure where you're at in the world Dazed, but my opinion is that Americans are sadly falling into this group of whiners who make excuses for their own lacking abilities in this area and many others. It kind of irritates me.

[The Blue Knight]

I have brought it up and she knows. but she was very defensive, and thats when she would say stuff like "why cant you love me for the way i look." We have a really large emotional disconnect which we are currently working on in counselling.

Okay, here's what you do.

 

Put on a quick 100 lbs. Don't shower, brush your teeth, floss, use deodorant, or shave. Then toss the new Dazed at your wife and reiterate her bogus argument: "Why can't you just love the new Dazed for the way that I look, and smell?" Same ridiculous logic. She's not taking ownership of something she can control and that's what this comes down too.

[dazednveryconfused]

I'd agree with you my friend. My mother raised a very nice BK from childhood and she taught me you don't make fun of, or blame someone for something beyond their control, and I never have.

 

Weight is generally very much subject to an individual's disciplinary ability to control 2 things - 1. Caloric Intake 2. Energy Output.

 

In other words a restricted diet with good food choices and regular intense daily exercise is going to correct most of these problems. I've seen this many times and I belong to two fitness centers. Men and women who came in 18 months ago and are just dedicated to achieving their goals. They don't let laziness or excuses get in their way, and you'd be surprised what they can achieve given that "renewed" mindset.

 

I'm not sure where you're at in the world Dazed, but my opinion is that Americans are sadly falling into this group of whiners who make excuses for their own lacking abilities in this area and many others. It kind of irritates me.

 

thank you for all your input... I appreciate it

 

I live in Canada, and i do know waht you're talking about, it irritates me too when people make excuses. imo if you want to do or get something, don't make excuses, just go for it.

 

Okay, here's what you do.

 

Put on a quick 100 lbs. Don't shower, brush your teeth, floss, use deodorant, or shave. Then toss the new Dazed at your wife and reiterate her bogus argument: "Why can't you just love the new Dazed for the way that I look, and smell?" Same ridiculous logic. She's not taking ownership of something she can control and that's what this comes down too.

 

lol... the problem with that is i think it would bother me before it would bother her. Even when i dont shave for a few days it starts to bother me. Good plan though hah

[The Blue Knight]

thank you for all your input... I appreciate it

 

I live in Canada, and i do know waht you're talking about, it irritates me too when people make excuses. imo if you want to do or get something, don't make excuses, just go for it.

 

lol... the problem with that is i think it would bother me before it would bother her. Even when i dont shave for a few days it starts to bother me. Good plan though hah

Well I'm being aloof to make a point as I'm sure you're aware. I'd be bothered as well. I'd never let myself fall into bad shape just because I'm kind of a fitness dork. I can go without shaving just fine . . . but daily showers, flossing, man-maintenance are an absolute must. I'm very down on poor hygiene. Probably met a few too many homeless individuals on the job who don't know the meaning of the word and it's made me somewhat fanatical.

[maybealone]

Love and attractiveness are two different things. The OP loves his wife, it's only the physical attraction he has an issue with. I don't think that is something we can control.

 

For example, some people don't like really muscular, buff people. If someone starts spending hours every day at the gym and becomes muscular and buff, his or her spouse might not find them as attractive anymore. The same goes for people who prefer someone with a few extra pounds or even chunky -- if his or her spouse becomes really thin, they might not find them as attractive anymore.

 

Put on a quick 100 lbs. Don't shower, brush your teeth, floss, use deodorant, or shave. Then toss the new Dazed at your wife and reiterate her bogus argument: "Why can't you just love the new Dazed for the way that I look, and smell?"

 

And I was thinking about this too. If someone stops getting haircuts, stops showering, and starts wearing the same outfit for days on end, his or her spouse might stop finding them attractive.

 

For some reason, however, some people believe these rules of attraction aren't supposed to apply to weight gain. I've never quite understood that.

[Bellechica]

I agree with xxoo.....it's the emotional connection first. The OP needs to make sure that connection is there with his W before the physical will be good.

 

My H and I are both very fit. I can acknowledge his physical beauty, and he acknowledges mine, but we have let our emotional connection as lovers go.

 

My ex OM was muscular but with a gut. Sexual attraction at least for most women is emotional.

 

I think many wives gain weight in order to avoid sex....I've read articles about this

[giotto]

my experience with this: your wife needs to be wanting - within herself - to lose weight. At this stage, she is not. Secondly, I often see people with weight problems lose a lot of it, but they do not sustain it on a long term (I'm thinking about my wife, for example). I can tell you that it will be a long-life struggle for your wife, so, if you don't like her "fat", I would suggest you find a thinner one... personally, my wife has been thin and fat, before and after the kids, and I always loved her body, regardless, because she is my wife. I'm not saying you are shallow, just telling you how I feel about it.

[xxoo]

the way I see it is that I fell in love with a person with certain phsyical, peronality, etc characteristics. I understand people change, but what if every characteristic that I fell in love with has changed, am I supposed to be as attracted to her as i was before?

 

It sounds to me like you are very unhappy with your wife and marriage, far beyond the weight issue. The weight is part of the problem, and probably even a symptom of the problem. The marriage problems may have contributed to her gaining the weight.

 

Would her losing weight fix the problems between you two? Probably not.

 

If you fixed the underlying marriage problems, maybe she'd be able to lose the weight. Or maybe you'd find the weight doesn't bother you as much as it does now.

 

By all means, bring up the weight issue. But don't make it the central focus, because it isn't the central issue.

[maybealone]

There are some good points here. I would like to add that 30 percent is a lot of weight -- if I gained 30 percent I would go from a size 2 to a size 18. That's a big difference. A good emotional connection could still help though. And being slender usually is a lifestyle issue -- you usually have to be at least somewhat active. And activity level can be related to happiness, self esteem, and so on.

[dazednveryconfused]

Love and attractiveness are two different things. The OP loves his wife, it's only the physical attraction he has an issue with. I don't think that is something we can control.

 

For example, some people don't like really muscular, buff people. If someone starts spending hours every day at the gym and becomes muscular and buff, his or her spouse might not find them as attractive anymore. The same goes for people who prefer someone with a few extra pounds or even chunky -- if his or her spouse becomes really thin, they might not find them as attractive anymore.

 

 

 

And I was thinking about this too. If someone stops getting haircuts, stops showering, and starts wearing the same outfit for days on end, his or her spouse might stop finding them attractive.

 

For some reason, however, some people believe these rules of attraction aren't supposed to apply to weight gain. I've never quite understood that.

 

I feel the same way how weight gain is not viewed the same way as other physical characteristics. I should mention that in my next session, that how would she find me attractive if i didnt shower, shave, gain 200 pounds, and decided to wear sweat pants all the time.

 

I agree with xxoo.....it's the emotional connection first. The OP needs to make sure that connection is there with his W before the physical will be good.

 

My H and I are both very fit. I can acknowledge his physical beauty, and he acknowledges mine, but we have let our emotional connection as lovers go.

 

My ex OM was muscular but with a gut. Sexual attraction at least for most women is emotional.

 

I think many wives gain weight in order to avoid sex....I've read articles about this

 

I think you are right that we need the emotional connection first, which we are working on. I think there maybe some truth in my situation in your last comment.

 

my experience with this: your wife needs to be wanting - within herself - to lose weight. At this stage, she is not. Secondly, I often see people with weight problems lose a lot of it, but they do not sustain it on a long term (I'm thinking about my wife, for example). I can tell you that it will be a long-life struggle for your wife, so, if you don't like her "fat", I would suggest you find a thinner one... personally, my wife has been thin and fat, before and after the kids, and I always loved her body, regardless, because she is my wife. I'm not saying you are shallow, just telling you how I feel about it.

 

I agree, that she needs to want to herself, and I notice that she is trying to make small steps in changing her lifestyle. Just yesterday we went on a 5k jog/walk.

 

 

It sounds to me like you are very unhappy with your wife and marriage, far beyond the weight issue. The weight is part of the problem, and probably even a symptom of the problem. The marriage problems may have contributed to her gaining the weight.

 

Would her losing weight fix the problems between you two? Probably not.

 

If you fixed the underlying marriage problems, maybe she'd be able to lose the weight. Or maybe you'd find the weight doesn't bother you as much as it does now.

 

By all means, bring up the weight issue. But don't make it the central focus, because it isn't the central issue.

 

i think you are spot on, there is a lot of underlying issues in our marriage and one of the results is her weight gain.

[Danie]

I think there really is a bigger issue here, one that’s impacting both you and your wife’s attitudes and ideas of what “beauty” means. It’s not so much that you are not attracted to her as you are not attracted to her body. Do you think that the media plays a role in your idea of what ‘beauty’ is or is not? I know that sounds pretty far out there, but I do believe that subconsciously we, as a society, have bought into the idea that beautiful women are what we see in the movies in the magazines and on tv…or whatever other type of media is used.

 

What is your idea of beauty? Why is your this idea…where did it come from? I’d hope that you are an enlighten human and can dig into yourself to find this out. Maybe find out from your wife too…what is her idea and why. Together you and she will learn much more about each other and yourselves, too. For all you know the foundation of self (for both of you) is too far from each other to maintain a healthy relationship. If she’s always got to look the way you want her to look, she’s never going to feel safe with you. Your love for her will always be perceived as given based on her weight. If she’s only losing weight for you, would this make you question her true motivations for losing the weight?

 

Really? If my husband gained 100 lbs, stopped showering and shaving, stopped his physical hygiene I would be seriously concerned for him mental health. I wouldn’t stop loving him because of it but I would be very worried and would expect…probably demand and drag him…to the dr and probably and individual counselor. I’d imagine he’d do the same for me in similar circumstances.

 

She went on a 5k jog/walk? That’s a lot for an overweight person. I’d say that’s more than a small step. How about you and she start following this up with planning healthy meals together, shopping for those healthy meals together (make it a rule that there is no junk food in the house), and preparing those healthy meals together, and then for a nice walk afterwards. If it’s raining outside then do some other type of light, but physical activity together.

 

Question, if you and she did start walking together would you walk by her side and keep pace with her or would you walk like an athlete? I ask because one of the reasons I won’t work out with my husband or walk with him is because he expects me to keep pace with him and he will leave me behind if I don’t….I choose not to get left behind so I choose not to walk with him.

[dazednveryconfused]

I think there really is a bigger issue here, one that’s impacting both you and your wife’s attitudes and ideas of what “beauty” means. It’s not so much that you are not attracted to her as you are not attracted to her body. Do you think that the media plays a role in your idea of what ‘beauty’ is or is not? I know that sounds pretty far out there, but I do believe that subconsciously we, as a society, have bought into the idea that beautiful women are what we see in the movies in the magazines and on tv…or whatever other type of media is used.

 

What is your idea of beauty? Why is your this idea…where did it come from? I’d hope that you are an enlighten human and can dig into yourself to find this out. Maybe find out from your wife too…what is her idea and why. Together you and she will learn much more about each other and yourselves, too. For all you know the foundation of self (for both of you) is too far from each other to maintain a healthy relationship. If she’s always got to look the way you want her to look, she’s never going to feel safe with you. Your love for her will always be perceived as given based on her weight. If she’s only losing weight for you, would this make you question her true motivations for losing the weight?

 

Really? If my husband gained 100 lbs, stopped showering and shaving, stopped his physical hygiene I would be seriously concerned for him mental health. I wouldn’t stop loving him because of it but I would be very worried and would expect…probably demand and drag him…to the dr and probably and individual counselor. I’d imagine he’d do the same for me in similar circumstances.

 

She went on a 5k jog/walk? That’s a lot for an overweight person. I’d say that’s more than a small step. How about you and she start following this up with planning healthy meals together, shopping for those healthy meals together (make it a rule that there is no junk food in the house), and preparing those healthy meals together, and then for a nice walk afterwards. If it’s raining outside then do some other type of light, but physical activity together.

 

Question, if you and she did start walking together would you walk by her side and keep pace with her or would you walk like an athlete? I ask because one of the reasons I won’t work out with my husband or walk with him is because he expects me to keep pace with him and he will leave me behind if I don’t….I choose not to get left behind so I choose not to walk with him.

 

I have thought about this, what my perception of beauty is. I dont think its as black and white as if she were to become thin, problem solved. I think its what the cause of the weight gain represents that is causing an issue. increased disconect, lack of emotional connection, lack of activities together, etc. My idea of beauty is not just physical, but something internal as well, senses and mind. physically attractive as well as nice, kind, intelligent, strong, etc.

 

i know it was a big step, and we both want to continue doing this at least twice a week. we are also trying to eat healthier meals, not snack on junk food at night, or as much.. when we did do our walk/jog i would go at her pace. we would walk most of the time, and run for a little bit if she's up for it.

[Bellechica]

Dazed, I'm curious how your sex life was before your W gained the weight? Also, who has been the primary initiator of sexual intimacy? If these are too personal, just ignore......

 

Sexual intimacy in M is a complex issue and one I've struggled with for years. Just be careful you don't start feeling like your needs aren't being met and end up heading towards an A.

 

Here is a link which might be of interest to you:

 

Weight Gain Within A Marriage:

 

weightgainaftermarriage.wordpress.com/

[Bellechica]

You might have to google the article as it seems the link didn't post correctly....

[serial muse]

It sounds to me like you are very unhappy with your wife and marriage, far beyond the weight issue. The weight is part of the problem, and probably even a symptom of the problem. The marriage problems may have contributed to her gaining the weight.

 

Would her losing weight fix the problems between you two? Probably not.

 

If you fixed the underlying marriage problems, maybe she'd be able to lose the weight. Or maybe you'd find the weight doesn't bother you as much as it does now.

 

By all means, bring up the weight issue. But don't make it the central focus, because it isn't the central issue.

 

I found myself thinking along these lines as well, as I read your posts, OP.

 

You mention that there were a lot of deeper problems in the marriage - and it certainly seems at least possible that those may have contributed, at least, to her weight gain. Perhaps, instead of focusing so much on the weight (for now) it would be better to focus on those deeper problems, and the weight issue may begin to resolve itself.

 

Hard to say anything more specific without knowing what those other issues are, but if she's doing emotional eating, then that's at least a clue.

 

Which, by the way, is not to say that her weight gain is your fault - it isn't. But, since you love each other and are in counseling, I am saying that maybe focusing so much energy on the weight gain per se isn't going to be as productive. She may feel that, by focusing on the weight gain, you're essentially saying that your mutual marital problems are her responsibility to fix - and that isn't really fair to either of you, and isn't likely to improve things. In other words - it's probably largely a red herring.

 

If it helps improve your sex live to exercise together by, for example, running with/walking the dog, though, then I'm all for that.

[dazednveryconfused]

I found myself thinking along these lines as well, as I read your posts, OP.

 

You mention that there were a lot of deeper problems in the marriage - and it certainly seems at least possible that those may have contributed, at least, to her weight gain. Perhaps, instead of focusing so much on the weight (for now) it would be better to focus on those deeper problems, and the weight issue may begin to resolve itself.

 

Hard to say anything more specific without knowing what those other issues are, but if she's doing emotional eating, then that's at least a clue.

 

Which, by the way, is not to say that her weight gain is your fault - it isn't. But, since you love each other and are in counseling, I am saying that maybe focusing so much energy on the weight gain per se isn't going to be as productive. She may feel that, by focusing on the weight gain, you're essentially saying that your mutual marital problems are her responsibility to fix - and that isn't really fair to either of you, and isn't likely to improve things. In other words - it's probably largely a red herring.

 

If it helps improve your sex live to exercise together by, for example, running with/walking the dog, though, then I'm all for that.

 

yah, after hearing from a lot of people and going through my counselling sessions it seems like the weight issue maybe resolve on its own...

 

without going into too much detail, there has been a lot of withdrawing on both sides over the years which i think contributed to the weight gain.

 

i definitely don't say or think that our marital problems are due solely to her weight gain and that should be the main focus of the counselling.

[lv1028]

There are some good points here. I would like to add that 30 percent is a lot of weight -- if I gained 30 percent I would go from a size 2 to a size 18. That's a big difference. A good emotional connection could still help though. And being slender usually is a lifestyle issue -- you usually have to be at least somewhat active. And activity level can be related to happiness, self esteem, and so on.

 

Are you kidding me? I was underweight my whole life and I ended up with a man that like chubbier women and seemed to feed me very fattening stuff. before i knew it, I went from about 110 to 145 (which is 30%). Hardly what you would call fat! the average height and weight is 5'4 and 145, size 12. I went from a size 6 to a size 8/10. Please, to go from a 2 to an 18,you'd have to gain A LOT of weight, not 30 or 40 pounds. I lost the weight very quickly after we broke up. My appearance is important to me- call it a little vanity.

 

Do we know the wife's age, her weight, etc? 30% of what? 30% of 100 pounds isn't massive. 30% of 200 pounds is something else. Is she perimenopausal? The older you get, the harder it is to lose weight. Obese is one thing, a little extra--well, you might have to just accept that. After all, will you lose interest when she gets a little older and her skin starts to sag, she gets wrinkles, or her weight shifts from her hips to her waist? Are you so into the physical look that you are setting yourself up for failure because, one day, she will be older and then what?

 

I agree with the OP, that just because you have two very fit bodies, does not mean there will be an emotional connection. there are plenty of great looking women out there who are in love with bald men with big stomachs. And since most of the population is now overweight, that tells me that men don't so much mind a chubbier woman.

 

And maybe she knows this really bothers you and it's her way of lashing out in anger. It could be a totally passive agressive move. Like, "I'll show him. He demands fit...". If the actual gain is very significant and no medical reason for it (such as hormonal, glandular, etc.), then she is 'self medicating' so to speak with food. She must feel a void in her life and she is filling it with food. For some, it's overspending, drinking, drugs, etc.

 

In the end, there could be many reasons for her weight gain. While we all want a partner to look his/her best and to respect themselves with a healthy lifestyle, in the end, we have to accept the person for who he/she is. And it sounds like you are going to have to make a decision if you can or cannot live with her weight. Maybe if you try to accept her for who she is and go from there, things will change.

[dazednveryconfused]

Are you kidding me? I was underweight my whole life and I ended up with a man that like chubbier women and seemed to feed me very fattening stuff. before i knew it, I went from about 110 to 145 (which is 30%). Hardly what you would call fat! the average height and weight is 5'4 and 145, size 12. I went from a size 6 to a size 8/10. Please, to go from a 2 to an 18,you'd have to gain A LOT of weight, not 30 or 40 pounds. I lost the weight very quickly after we broke up. My appearance is important to me- call it a little vanity.

 

Do we know the wife's age, her weight, etc? 30% of what? 30% of 100 pounds isn't massive. 30% of 200 pounds is something else. Is she perimenopausal? The older you get, the harder it is to lose weight. Obese is one thing, a little extra--well, you might have to just accept that. After all, will you lose interest when she gets a little older and her skin starts to sag, she gets wrinkles, or her weight shifts from her hips to her waist? Are you so into the physical look that you are setting yourself up for failure because, one day, she will be older and then what?

 

I agree with the OP, that just because you have two very fit bodies, does not mean there will be an emotional connection. there are plenty of great looking women out there who are in love with bald men with big stomachs. And since most of the population is now overweight, that tells me that men don't so much mind a chubbier woman.

 

And maybe she knows this really bothers you and it's her way of lashing out in anger. It could be a totally passive agressive move. Like, "I'll show him. He demands fit...". If the actual gain is very significant and no medical reason for it (such as hormonal, glandular, etc.), then she is 'self medicating' so to speak with food. She must feel a void in her life and she is filling it with food. For some, it's overspending, drinking, drugs, etc.

 

In the end, there could be many reasons for her weight gain. While we all want a partner to look his/her best and to respect themselves with a healthy lifestyle, in the end, we have to accept the person for who he/she is. And it sounds like you are going to have to make a decision if you can or cannot live with her weight. Maybe if you try to accept her for who she is and go from there, things will change.

 

she is 5'5 and went from approximately 135-175. She's definitely too young to be perimenopausal. I mentioned earlier how I view appearance we can control vs not control in very seperate categories, therefore I will not view natural aging in the same way.

 

I wouldn't call it lashing out, but she has definitely taken some things out on me because of certain issues that we have been through over the years.

 

I dont think it's as simple as making a decision if i can or cannot live with her weight and accept who she is. I believe there are deeper issues with the emotional attraction, as i'm mainly talking about lack of physical attraction.

[maybealone]

Are you kidding me? I was underweight my whole life and I ended up with a man that like chubbier women and seemed to feed me very fattening stuff. before i knew it, I went from about 110 to 145 (which is 30%). Hardly what you would call fat! the average height and weight is 5'4 and 145, size 12. I went from a size 6 to a size 8/10. Please, to go from a 2 to an 18,you'd have to gain A LOT of weight, not 30 or 40 pounds.

 

I had an embarrassing math mistake there. I lost 30% of my weight when I went from a size 18 to a size 2. To gain that back, it would be more like needing to gain about 45%.

 

I know the average is a size 12, but that doesn't mean it is attractive to everyone. The average just keeps going up because obesity rates keep rising, not because people have changed their minds about what they find appealing.

 

I mentioned earlier how I view appearance we can control vs not control in very seperate categories, therefore I will not view natural aging in the same way.

 

What we are attracted to changes as we age, too. Now that I am in my mid-40s I am not attracted to men in their 20s. I think men my age or a few years older are very attractive though. The body shape we are attracted too probably doesn't change as much over those same years.