His work stress :(

[HeavenOrHell]

Work is getting to him so much, he apologises and says he's so sorry it affects him like this, he's too hard on himself in this respect, being annoyed with himself for letting work get to him, he says it should ease in time. But what if it doesn't? he'll burn out, and of course it will definitely be the end of us.

We're on the back burner for now, to take the pressure of us off him (ie he worries about giving me/us enough attention and feels guilty about that), so we're more like good friends at the moment.

He said he shouldn't have put work first, that he never should have treated me like this (ie not giving enough attention), but I don't think he feels able to change it, he's not an adaptable person, so he probably feels stuck in the situation. He loves me, and he loves his job, but not the stress of it the last few months.

I feel powerless to help. I've made it clear I'm here for him if I can help in any way and I said today that he knows he's always welcome here if he needs to relax, he was very appreciative of that, I don't think he feels able to take time off for a while yet though and maybe he wouldn't feel it was right to come here, (I imagine him thinking he's not worthy of my company as he's not able to give me much the last few months, although our visits are always 'amazing' as he put it recently, his visit last month was wonderful), I also suggested he could go to a female friend (just friends), (ie that might be easier than seeing me in Summer, or whenever), just wanted him to know there are places he can go to de-stress and to take time off before he burns out, his bosses owe him that much surely

I'm there for him, giving him space, we talk, but not as often, he still calls though, just not every night, I'm letting him focus on work.

Sometimes after our calls, or emails, I feel things will be ok, that's there a lot of love there, other times I think he'd find it easier to definitely end it, so he doesn't have to worry about not being a good enough partner/lacking. I did say last week I do understand if you'd rather just be friends and he said let's see how it goes, that it will be slow for a while cos of work but that it should ease in time.

Mostly I have faith/hope that we'll be ok, but other times I feel we'll lose the momentum and it will become dull and we'll lose the connection if we're not having as much contact now and his mind is elsewhere, I just don't know Feels unsettling.

Do I just continue giving him space and trust things will be ok, or do I slowly untangle myself from him.

I am keeping in mind he said he still loves me and that the last thing he wanted was to split up, and he hated it when I went no contact for a few days.

But I'm aware that on the other hand maybe he'll never be able to give more to us if his job stays like this He'd end up getting ill actually.

Maybe he's trying to 'let me down' gently.

I don't know.

I don't think he does either.

I wish I could help him.

[Lois]

I would slowly untangle myself from him because that's exactly what he's doing to you.

[Forever Learning]

I would slowly untangle myself from him because that's exactly what he's doing to you.

 

Unfortunately I am inclined to agree with this statement. And, you are suffering and unhappy. This is a major red flag to me.

 

And you mentioned he is only in contact every few days. That's no fun nor is it fair in a relationship.

 

Most relationships have daily contact because that's the level of support folks want from one another. It's human nature.

[coffee.girl]

HeavenOrHell,

 

Is his work a temporary situation or something that is likely to be ongoing for the foreseeable future?

 

I was in a relationship with a man like this for several years. There would always be a work related issue or an important deadline just around the corner and 'after that, things will get better.' He would tell me how much he loved me, and how he wanted to spend more time with me, but it was 'out of his control' right now. Unfortunately his words didn't match up to his actions.... it is a lot easier to just tell someone you love them, than actually show it.

 

I realised after a few years that the way he handled his career and work life balance was completely within his own control, and that he would keep choosing to turn himself inside out (unnecessarily) for his career... I would always be his lowest priority. He wasn't going to change no matter how much I tried to love him.

 

It gets to the point you have to ask yourself, How long am I prepared to settle for a relationship like this? I think women especially are taught to be people-pleasers, and that there is something honourable in putting your own needs on the back-burner under the guise of 'being supportive.'

 

There is a big difference in being in a mutually supportive relationship, and being taken for granted by someone. IMO it is unlikely he will change. Could you be satisfied staying in the relationship, with its current dynamic, for the long term?

[HeavenOrHell]

We talk on the phone roughly every other night rather than every night, and have cut skype down, but do talk a bit on there. We normally have some contact each day even if just a text or fb msg, just not daily calls or talking on skype a lot.

He said he didn't want me to think he's ignoring me if he's not online as much (because he's tired/stressed from work) and that it doesn't mean I can't text or phone him.

I just don't know, part of me feels things will improve with work and I can see things getting better with us, the other part wonders if that's just wishful thinking.

I was going to give it some time, but I'd need some indication from him that things WILL get better, not that they 'should ease in time', because I can't do this indefinitely.

And if he makes no plans to visit or asks me to over the next few weeks, then I guess he hasn't the time or the inclination

Just gutted he's putting his job first, even though it means losing me, he doesn't love me any less and he said he shouldn't have made his job his priority, I just don't think he can change it, not even if I said I can't do this anymore, that speaks volumes I guess

Feels like a bad dream.

 

Unfortunately I am inclined to agree with this statement. And, you are suffering and unhappy. This is a major red flag to me.

 

And you mentioned he is only in contact every few days. That's no fun nor is it fair in a relationship.

 

Most relationships have daily contact because that's the level of support folks want from one another. It's human nature.

[HeavenOrHell]

Spoke to a friend today, who has met my partner and knows the situation pretty well, she says give it time, as do most of my friends.

He wants to see how things go, so do I.

But I can only do that if I accept things will be slow until work eases and if I truly feel he'll change things if it means losing me, and at the moment I don't feel he feels able to, he's just swamped by stress and that's all he can think of.

I'm worried he's heading for a breakdown.

He knows he's welcome here if he wants to relax, but I know he feels he can't ask for time off for a while, I'm pretty peed off with his bosses, he doesn't get enough time off, he's running himself into the ground, and he's too bloody lacking in confidence to ask, worried he'll lose his job maybe if he can't keep up.

Wish I could go over there and take care him for a week, but I can't push it

It's just when we're together it's wonderful and he relaxes, and there's a lot of love there.

[HeavenOrHell]

Well, we've had a lovely chat today.

It feels right to see how things go, for now, but it's going to be unsettled for a while, all I can say is, he's worth waiting for, but I won't wait indefinitely.

 

Once anything solid happens either way, I'll let you know, thank you for the replies

[Lois]

Good luck, I hope everything works out for you.

[wildgeese]

As someone who is dating a workaholic, I can empathize. I'm just lucky in that he grew up watching both parents balance being overworked and having a family. I think and hope that he finds his balance and an outlet for his stress. Work can be consuming and can alter our emotions in so many ways. I think you're doing the right thing by remaining supportive, but also understanding that it may not work out if he can't get his life under control. I don't doubt that he loves you and I really hope that things work out for you guys.

 

Maybe send him a care package to cheer him up!

[HeavenOrHell]

Thanks wildgeese, I hope he will be able to change things somehow, but not sure how, other than hoping his work load eases, but he has no control over that, he's just doing what his bosses tell him He won't have the courage to ask them to lighten his load, or to look for another job at the moment.

Find an outlet for his stress would be good, last w/end he went to a place we went to a couple of times together which he'd not been to before we went there, it's related to one of the big passions in my life, (rather than his, he took me there for my sake mostly), and I thought it was really sweet he went back there on his own at the w/end, he took some photos for me, he doesn't usually visit places on his own except to go to bands. So maybe if he does more stuff like that to relax it might help.

I feel he's feel so out of his depth with being able to change things that he'd watch me walk away and still feel incapable/helpless about changing things, even if he was screaming inside. Like a feeling of things are so overwhelming that you just feel weighted down/swamped by it.

If I left now I'd feel I was abandoning him while he's having a really tough time, as well as it feeling too soon to leave.

Does your partner like being a workaholic? My partner doesn't, he wants the work load to ease as he's not enjoying the stress at all, he was dreading today for example

It's his birthday soon, I'll send him a package then

 

As someone who is dating a workaholic, I can empathize. I'm just lucky in that he grew up watching both parents balance being overworked and having a family. I think and hope that he finds his balance and an outlet for his stress. Work can be consuming and can alter our emotions in so many ways. I think you're doing the right thing by remaining supportive, but also understanding that it may not work out if he can't get his life under control. I don't doubt that he loves you and I really hope that things work out for you guys.

 

Maybe send him a care package to cheer him up!

[wildgeese]

Thanks wildgeese, I hope he will be able to change things somehow, but not sure how, other than hoping his work load eases, but he has no control over that, he's just doing what his bosses tell him He won't have the courage to ask them to lighten his load, or to look for another job at the moment.

Find an outlet for his stress would be good, last w/end he went to a place we went to a couple of times together which he'd not been to before we went there, it's related to one of the big passions in my life, (rather than his, he took me there for my sake mostly), and I thought it was really sweet he went back there on his own at the w/end, he took some photos for me, he doesn't usually visit places on his own except to go to bands. So maybe if he does more stuff like that to relax it might help.

I feel he's feel so out of his depth with being able to change things that he'd watch me walk away and still feel incapable/helpless about changing things, even if he was screaming inside. Like a feeling of things are so overwhelming that you just feel weighted down/swamped by it.

If I left now I'd feel I was abandoning him while he's having a really tough time, as well as it feeling too soon to leave.

Does your partner like being a workaholic? My partner doesn't, he wants the work load to ease as he's not enjoying the stress at all, he was dreading today for example

It's his birthday soon, I'll send him a package then

 

It's impossible for him to get days off and he typically works 12 hour days, but he overall does enjoy it. He's just wired that way. He's a cook in the heart of a major city and he lives and breathes his job. And from what I've heard from other people with partners in the food industry, that's how they all are. He says that I'm the most important part of his life, but I can't tell you how many times he's broken a silence with something about a new recipe.

But like I said, he was raised in a household where both parents were workaholics so it's completely normal for him. His entire family has no concept of "free time" - they are always at work or volunteering or working on some project. Puts me to shame!

 

That's so cool that he did that! Meaning went to a shared place, took pictures, was obviously thinking about you. Is he just stressed or is he also depressed? Does he even like his job?

[HeavenOrHell]

Thank you for your reply

 

 

It's also very hard for my partner to get time off, even to come and collect me from the station, although he always did it and say it's ok, no worries etc etc, which is 4 hours altogether. He finds it hard to take time off, or doesn't take time off as there's too much to do at work and he'll only stress about it if he takes time off.

He gets w/ends off at least, but this afternoon he's on call online, so can't go out, but he's not getting paid for that, which to me is taking the p***

Whereas your partner sound like he enjoys being a workaholic, my partner doesn't, he enjoys his job, but not the stress it's become the last few months.

He sounds depressed on the phone sometimes/regularly, but not sure if it's just weariness from stress.

He sounds happier at the weekends, like the last two nights he's called and sounded happier and we've joked around.

But I feel like just friends now, nothing sets us out as partners anymore, he's no energy for sex (although still enjoys it) in between visits (but it's still wonderful when we're together), so I guess that's what we are, unless he suggests meeting in May/June, but knowing my luck he won't. If we're not going to meet up in the next few weeks I'm going to get more and more bored and give up any hope for us.

 

It's impossible for him to get days off and he typically works 12 hour days, but he overall does enjoy it. He's just wired that way. He's a cook in the heart of a major city and he lives and breathes his job. And from what I've heard from other people with partners in the food industry, that's how they all are. He says that I'm the most important part of his life, but I can't tell you how many times he's broken a silence with something about a new recipe.

But like I said, he was raised in a household where both parents were workaholics so it's completely normal for him. His entire family has no concept of "free time" - they are always at work or volunteering or working on some project. Puts me to shame!

 

That's so cool that he did that! Meaning went to a shared place, took pictures, was obviously thinking about you. Is he just stressed or is he also depressed? Does he even like his job?

[folieadeux]

I think sending him a care package for his birthday will definitely help. I'm the workaholic in my relationship and it's not fun on the other side of things either. I feel like I know your situation quite well and think it's worth the wait. I don't see him doing anything intentionally here to hurt you...he's just really struggling right now with how to find a balance.

[threebyfate]

I don't understand. You're still in touch every other day and yet, he's too stressed to be in a relationship. So, he wants your compassion and empathy, but doesn't want to meet your needs too.

 

I'd split and go N/C. This should give him an idea of what real stress feels like.

[Ghisop]

I hate to say it but I agree with leaving. If genus stressed and life is just work. He should want to talk to the person who is most supportive. I am a firm believer that if someone asks for a break in a ldr it not good. A break from what? We don't live near each other!!! I would go no contact too

[HeavenOrHell]

We're in touch every day again now.

I stopped contact for a few days and he hated it.

I'm torn.

 

 

 

I don't understand. You're still in touch every other day and yet, he's too stressed to be in a relationship. So, he wants your compassion and empathy, but doesn't want to meet your needs too.

 

I'd split and go N/C. This should give him an idea of what real stress feels like.

[HeavenOrHell]

He does talk to me, every day.

He wasn't sure if he wanted a break, or not, the reason he mentioned it was because he was worried he couldn't give enough attention to the r/ship and it wasn't fair on either of us.

We're currently taking things slowly and seeing how it goes, but things won't improve unless his work load lessens, I can't wait on that indefinitely.

 

 

I hate to say it but I agree with leaving. If genus stressed and life is just work. He should want to talk to the person who is most supportive. I am a firm believer that if someone asks for a break in a ldr it not good. A break from what? We don't live near each other!!! I would go no contact too

[HeavenOrHell]

Thank you Yes, you're one of the people here who know my situation the most, and that's exactly it, he's struggling to find the balance. I feel it's still too soon to walk away, as he only told me how he felt about it all 3 weeks ago.

No, he'd never intentionally hurt anyone. But part of me feels he will 'choose' work over us. I think he will be feeling overwhelmed by the situation and not know how to change it as it he doesn't want to lose his job, realistically he'd stick with his job as that's his security. He's not very adaptable. Totally not the sort of person who would find it easy to change jobs. Not a 'man of the world' at all.

My hope is that we can still meet up, but just not talk online as much, which we've lessened, as he doesn't want to be online every night after being online all day at work, which I totally understand and have been supportive about, he did go off skype (text not video) totally for a while but has come back bit by bit, I tell him not to spend too long on there.

Maybe now that he doesn't feel we must talk every night, (maybe he thought we wouldn't work out if we didn't talk online each night, even though we talk/ed on the phone each night as well, usually been him calling me) he said he was pressuring himself, that I wasn't pressuring him, maybe it's eased the pressure off, which may help, just not sure if I'm kidding myself that things might be ok now some of the pressure is off, the thing is only time will tell, can't really rush to a conclusion.

In my mind I'm thinking obviously I have needs too, and if he hasn't mentioned visiting by the beginning of May then I will say this isn't really going to work for me without visits. Talking less online I can deal with as I understand why totally, but obviously if he doesn't want to meet then I'm going to feel dissatisfied, unwanted etc, like I'm the one doing all the accommodating.

Could go either way

Thank you for your support and understanding, it means a lot

 

 

I think sending him a care package for his birthday will definitely help. I'm the workaholic in my relationship and it's not fun on the other side of things either. I feel like I know your situation quite well and think it's worth the wait. I don't see him doing anything intentionally here to hurt you...he's just really struggling right now with how to find a balance.

[Ghisop]

My heart really goes out to you and I know how you feel. I was in your exact situation last year with my first ldr - which was an epic failure and I nearly went off the deep end. I was so torn on walking away and fighting. I always believed that when you love someone you fight, and even when someone is weaker- we are partners so I can be the strong one. I wrote a post on here about it and everyone said to walk away. I thought... Uggg these people are crazy... They dont know our relationship. But they were so right. And i am so thankful now that i did walk away and found someone amazing Work is not an excuse to me. I am an attorney full time and in court running around everyday- overworked and underpaid - but my relationship I still my priority. I text him all day and call him on breaks. He makes me laugh throughout the day which is nice because I deal with scummy people all day. I know you will figure out the right thing for you- if you aren't happy and feel not important then you should move on... But trust me I know that's not easy

[HeavenOrHell]

Thank you. You may well be right, I don't know yet, it's too soon to walk away.

It sounds like you deal better with stress than he does, maybe even thrive on it, he doesn't, he feels swamped by it.

I understand why some people think I should give up now, I will if things don't change soon, or he says nothing about visiting. I'll just get bored, frankly.

 

My heart really goes out to you and I know how you feel. I was in your exact situation last year with my first ldr - which was an epic failure and I nearly went off the deep end. I was so torn on walking away and fighting. I always believed that when you love someone you fight, and even when someone is weaker- we are partners so I can be the strong one. I wrote a post on here about it and everyone said to walk away. I thought... Uggg these people are crazy... They dont know our relationship. But they were so right. And i am so thankful now that i did walk away and found someone amazing Work is not an excuse to me. I am an attorney full time and in court running around everyday- overworked and underpaid - but my relationship I still my priority. I text him all day and call him on breaks. He makes me laugh throughout the day which is nice because I deal with scummy people all day. I know you will figure out the right thing for you- if you aren't happy and feel not important then you should move on... But trust me I know that's not easy

[folieadeux]

Thank you Yes, you're one of the people here who know my situation the most, and that's exactly it, he's struggling to find the balance. I feel it's still too soon to walk away, as he only told me how he felt about it all 3 weeks ago.

No, he'd never intentionally hurt anyone. But part of me feels he will 'choose' work over us. I think he will be feeling overwhelmed by the situation and not know how to change it as it he doesn't want to lose his job, realistically he'd stick with his job as that's his security. He's not very adaptable. Totally not the sort of person who would find it easy to change jobs. Not a 'man of the world' at all.

My hope is that we can still meet up, but just not talk online as much, which we've lessened, as he doesn't want to be online every night after being online all day at work, which I totally understand and have been supportive about, he did go off skype (text not video) totally for a while but has come back bit by bit, I tell him not to spend too long on there.

Maybe now that he doesn't feel we must talk every night, (maybe he thought we wouldn't work out if we didn't talk online each night, even though we talk/ed on the phone each night as well, usually been him calling me) he said he was pressuring himself, that I wasn't pressuring him, maybe it's eased the pressure off, which may help, just not sure if I'm kidding myself that things might be ok now some of the pressure is off, the thing is only time will tell, can't really rush to a conclusion.

In my mind I'm thinking obviously I have needs too, and if he hasn't mentioned visiting by the beginning of May then I will say this isn't really going to work for me without visits. Talking less online I can deal with as I understand why totally, but obviously if he doesn't want to meet then I'm going to feel dissatisfied, unwanted etc, like I'm the one doing all the accommodating.

Could go either way

Thank you for your support and understanding, it means a lot

 

You're very welcome! I feel like it's too soon to walk away, but am glad that you do have some sort of time frame in mind because it's not fair for you to wait around indefinitely. Cutting down temporarily on phone or online communication is still within reason (I think we've all had to do it for one reason or another). But, if it's a constant thing or if he's not expressing any interest in planning visits, then it most definitely is time to walk away.

 

I'm holding out hope that the reason he's stressing so much over his job is because if he doesn't have a steady income, it may not be possible to finance the frequent visits you were doing. I could be totally wrong here, but it's just a thought.

[HeavenOrHell]

Yes, if it remains a constant thing, I'll be too unhappy to continue, we're talking every day again now, which is confusing.

I really don't think he's stressing so much because he's worried he won't be able to pay for visits, I wish it were that, it's more that he's burning out because of the workload, and it's affecting him in a bad way, and he has no control over how much work is thrown his way, he'll worry he can't keep up, and I'm sure he won't say anything to his managers as he won't want them to let him go if he can't keep up. His job is his security, and also if he loses it he couldn't pay his mortgage

He'll probably watch me walk away and still feel unable to change anything.

 

You're very welcome! I feel like it's too soon to walk away, but am glad that you do have some sort of time frame in mind because it's not fair for you to wait around indefinitely. Cutting down temporarily on phone or online communication is still within reason (I think we've all had to do it for one reason or another). But, if it's a constant thing or if he's not expressing any interest in planning visits, then it most definitely is time to walk away.

 

I'm holding out hope that the reason he's stressing so much over his job is because if he doesn't have a steady income, it may not be possible to finance the frequent visits you were doing. I could be totally wrong here, but it's just a thought.

[TMichaels]

Just a thought to ponder HeavenOrHell...

 

If this guy isn't giving you what you need, do you really think you'll be happy if you manage to get him to see things your way some day, as opposed to being with someone else in the here and now whom doesn't need to be told?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[HeavenOrHell]

It's not that he doesn't see things my way, or that he doesn't love me, he doesn't need to me told, but he does need to change the way he handles stress, or change his work situation if there's any hope for us.

 

 

Just a thought to ponder HeavenOrHell...

 

If this guy isn't giving you what you need, do you really think you'll be happy if you manage to get him to see things your way some day, as opposed to being with someone else in the here and now whom doesn't need to be told?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[folieadeux]

Yes, if it remains a constant thing, I'll be too unhappy to continue, we're talking every day again now, which is confusing.

I really don't think he's stressing so much because he's worried he won't be able to pay for visits, I wish it were that, it's more that he's burning out because of the workload, and it's affecting him in a bad way, and he has no control over how much work is thrown his way, he'll worry he can't keep up, and I'm sure he won't say anything to his managers as he won't want them to let him go if he can't keep up. His job is his security, and also if he loses it he couldn't pay his mortgage

He'll probably watch me walk away and still feel unable to change anything.

 

I'm glad to see he's back to communicating again every day but, at the same time, you're not officially together either. He's acting like he's in a relationship on one level and not on the other. While I can understand both sides of the equation, if he isn't able to focus on work AND his relationship with you, then it just won't work in the long run. Neither of you is getting what you need out of the deal right now. Again, I'm glad that you at least have a time frame in your head to make a decision on things either way because you can't be in limbo like this forever. I know it's a very frustrating and confusing thing to be going through right now and I hope he's able to sort out his emotions before he loses a really good thing.