How do you deal with bf/gf's friends?

[Al]

If you don't exactly get along with or like your boyfriend/girlfriend's friends, how do you handle this? How do you handle when they go out with the friend or friends that you don't care for?

 

The reason I ask is this: I love my boyfriend very much but his choice of friends is unbelieveable. All of his guy friends are single and are nothing like any of my guy/girl friends. They all do some sort of drugs, most have spent some time in jail and one for sure is going back for the 3rd time at the end of the month. None of them are out looking for a long lasting relationship and give my boyfriend a lot of grief when he says we're staying home to watch a movie or something like that. They also don't understand why he doesn't want to go to underage house parties with them anymore. They are all over 21 but still feel the need to go to all these house parties where most kids aren't of age. My boyfriend would rather go to the bar and play pool and somehow I think that they think that's my influence over him or something.

 

I know that my boyfriend years ago had the reputation of being a player and used to smoke pot. He's nothing like that anymore but I can't help but worry when he goes out with his guy friends for the night. Granted, I know we can't pick each other's friends and I'm sure he isn't fond of some of my friends as well. But how do I keep from worrying about him when he's out with these guys?! I don't know if I'm worried that he's gonna miss that sort of life style (the freeness of being single) or if I'm worried that he's gonna get caught up in their "past times" and get himself in trouble for just being around them.

 

Things worry me so much that I don't fall asleep until I hear him walk in the door even if it's 5 in the morning, when he's out with these guys. I know that most of them he grew up with and he says that he's changed and can't diss them for habits that he used to have himself. I guess I've never really dated someone before that had a complete different group of friends than me. My ex and I shared all the same friends so it was easier to trust and not worry so much. I don't want my boyfriend to think I don't trust him b/c I do. I just worry a little too much sometimes, in his words.

 

How do I stop worrying so much?

[faux]

Does your boyfriend contact you periodically when he is with his friends? If not, I think that would help to ease your troubled mind. I do not believe it would be asking too much for him to call you and check in, letting you know who he is with, where he is and what he is doing. I understand that you disapprove of the type of people he is associating with, and I would feel the same way if my partner chose to hang around those types of people.

 

It is a good sign that he would, for the most part, rather spend time doing wholesome things as opposed to illegal activities. I cannot say much for persons over the age of 18 who hang around underage girls, especially when drugs and alcohol are involved. I think it would probably be best if your boyfriend disassociated himself from these people. If he used to be like them and has changed for the better, I would think he would desire to drift away from that crowd.

 

I no longer hang out with people who drink, because I am an alcoholic and am one month and two weeks sober. I do not need to be around that sort of behavior. Even though I trust in myself that I would not start to drink again around those people, I cannot risk to take the chance of being surrounded by that type of thing. It may not be best for your boyfriend to have these "friends" around him.

 

Express your concerns to him and listen to what he has to say. You mentioned that he cannot blame these people for doing things he used to do. I do not think that is the case. My father, for example, can understand why I began to drink and why I have a problem with it. He still had every right to condone my actions and warn me, even if he used to be the same way. The point is that that type of behavior is wrong. I had leeway because even though I knew better, there were some deeper issues.

 

In the case of your boyfriend's friends, what they do is obviously wrong, and they know it. I do not feel that they have any excuse at all to be involved in what they are mixed up in. I think your boyfriend should know better than to hang around those people, and that you have every right to be concerned for his safety and well-being. I feel you have legitimate cause for disapproval in this situation, and the best way to begin dealing with this is to communicate your feelings to your boyfriend.

[Al]

First of all, congratulations on taking the steps to stay away from alcohol. I can't imagine how a life changing decision like that can be.

 

As for my boyfriend, he does know that I disapprove of the people that he hangs out with and he promises me that he doesn't miss his "old ways of life" and there is no way that he is going back to being that way. But I still can't help but worry. He just seems so much more grown up than they are and I don't want him to get hooked on their childish ways. His friends are irresponsible and obviously don't think before they act. My boyfriend and I live together and talk about a future so his lifestyle needs to be different.

 

Another reason I have a hard time asking him to not see these guys is b/c I was in a relationship where I didn't associate much with my friends and then when that relationship ended I was very lucky to have my friends still welcome me into their lives. When we first started dating my boyfriend was with me 24/7 and he felt like he was losing his friends. So now he tries to spend time with them at least once a week. He's been hanging out a lot with one guy in particular who's habits aren't as bad as the others and this guy likes hanging out with my boyfriend b/c when he's with my boyfriend he doesn't do drugs b/c my boyfriend doesn't and won't allow people to do them at our house or in his car. I'd like to think that maybe my boyfriends actions will one day rub off on his friends but until then..I guess I just need to learn to cope.