Maybe it's not working out

[mostlyclueless]

Your relationship with your wife is over. If you don't leave her now, you will in a few years when you really can't take it anymore and you will wish you had just gone for it.

 

You are going to feel so relieved when you finally get out.

[Magnaus]

I have to agree somewhat with pink and frozen. And you said it yourself, perhaps your wife agreed with you about the deployment but deep down she felt abandoned. I don't know that you covered this . . . at least I didn't see you address it anywhere, but I found it remarkable that she came clean right away with you. Do you know what her motive was for doing that? It just struck me as unusual if she intended to continue cheating on you. Was it guilt? Was it a new opportunity for the two of you to make it work now that you were home?

 

I'm not in any way condoning your wife's actions. It says very little for her that she couldn't wait for you. But then I don't know her personality, or if she has abandonment issues going back to her childhood that would cause her to make such a stupid decision.

 

Here's the thing. You can take this job, AND leaving her a second time may prove she can hang in there for you, but it may also prove to be the final straw in the marriage surviving if you really want this thing to work.

 

You said you love her. Why not work on the marriage and find a job nearby so you have the opportunity to see if this marriage can be saved?

 

Hello there, Blue Knight. When we were in counseling she told me she felt very guilty for what she'd done while I was gone, and didn't see the purpose of holding it in any longer. She thought I was probably going to find out eventually. She said she wanted both of us to be on a clean slate. It was very hard for me to hear that she "couldn't take the loneliness anymore and gave in to temptation." I don't know if I would've stayed this long if she hadn't been honest with me though, but then again this honesty is what's tearing us apart.

 

In regards to work I don't see any good jobs out there that suit me, except for this enticing offer which I am about to respond to in about 3 hours from now...

[Magnaus]

Magnaus, I get that your work overseas was exciting but you have to realise the impact this has on your marriage, and will have on future relationships (in case you would divorce).

Also, put yourself in the shoes of your wife. Maybe she is very sorry about cheating on you and will feel betrayed again if you go abroad again despite all the efforts she has done.

 

I get that you don't want to have just some office job but there are plenty of exciting things to do at home. You can look for a job outdoors (construction, gardening, sports,...) or start your own business. But if you leave again, that surely will be the end of your marriage.

 

Believe me I've looked everywhere. Job boards, open interviews, you name it. There's just nothing out there.

 

I think the most hurtful part about this was that I got cheated on for simply following my heart, and doing something I was and still am passionate about. I loved him like a brother and he went after her and she let him....for a whole year.

[findingnemo]

Bear with me here. I've never shared this with anyone. Not even my family. First let me start off with a short introduction. Been married to my wife for 5 years, together for 6, with no children. Life has blessed us well and all that good stuff. She got her dream job after college and I went off to study law, but the call of duty sounded my ears and I signed up, and was deployed for 2 years back in 2009. It was hard for me not being there every day but we talked when we could, and I missed her a lot. Definitely one of the most difficult years of my life. Got an honorable discharge, came home and was excited to see her.

 

When I got home we had incredible sex of course. Hung out with each other late at night. The second day I was home and we were eating breakfast she confessed that she had affair with my (former) best friend for a whole year. I flipped out and destroyed half the house. As a result, I was arrested and held for a while, slapped with a minor charge and court ordered to take anger management classes. Luckily I was allowed to go home, but I decided to separate from her for 3 months. During the time both him and her called me a lot but I wished to speak to none of them. After separation we talked and "made up," and I ended up going back home.

 

We went to marital counseling for 2 months and I was not really satisfied with it, but stuck to it because I still loved her. She has made a lot of changes since this whole ordeal, I'll give her that, but it just doesn't feel the same anymore. Everything feels out of place, like it doesn't belong.

 

And to top it off I was contacted by a reputable private security firm last Friday, and I have until Thursday to respond on whether I want to accept a position they're offering. The pay is really well and I get to train and meet with other operators from around the world. The only drawback is that I will most likely have to relocate, since it's not based in the U.S., and I honestly don't want to have to spend a lot of money traveling and worrying if my wife is going to cheat on me or not since I will be gone for a very long time. She's changed a lot but I think I would be a fool to say that I have the same level of trust I had with her years ago.

 

Basically what I'm saying is, I don't think I want to be married to my wife anymore. I feel like I've been dragged down by this marriage and I've been unemployed ever since I was discharged, and I've only worked a few part-time jobs. I feel like this proposition could help reboot my career and at the same time I can do what I always liked doing. My wife knows I'm seriously considering this and I don't think she's too happy about it. Would I be wrong for taking this job and leaving her? Part of me wants to and part of me doesn't.

 

I'm sorry if I'm ranting too much. I just needed to get this off my chest.

 

I haven't read the whole thread yet but since it's end of Wednesday in my part of the world, I advise you to take the job. Staying put to guard your wife against cheating is not the right thing to do. She should never ever use distance apart as an excuse to cheat. So take the job and let what happens happen...

 

Now I'll read the rest of the thread.

[The Blue Knight]

Thanks frozensprouts. Yes she has told me how she felt when we were in counseling. How she felt alone, missed me a lot, etc. I mean I have tried to be considerate of her feelings but then again like you said, I enlisted because I wanted to, and I don't regret leaving. If anything, I probably would've resented her for staying. I've always been supportive of her dreams and I do wish I would've gotten the same support and loyalty in return, from both her and him.

 

Magnaus,

 

I've been in the military. Never extended periods like you. But I've always been of the opinion that the military is not very conducive to married life.

 

Separation and distance from one another is never a good thing. Even marriages that manage to side-step affairs when someone is deployed often have problems when those marriages attempt to return to where they left off because one or both of the individuals has changed by that point.

 

I think your wife can be supportive of your dreams but is there a way to do this without having to physically leave her a second time?

[findingnemo]

Okay..now I've read the whole thread. Getting married and leaving for extended periods is a major disaster for the person left behind. I agree that she may have been lonely and turned to your best friend for comfort. One thing led to another...

 

My problem with this is that other people in the same predicament don't cheat...they are lonely, frightened and frustrated but don't cheat. What is the difference between those who cheat and those who don't? How come some wives are able to wait it out? How come some cheat?

 

I'm glad she told you the truth because it means she's a good person who likes to be fair. But I still think you should listen to her. Hear her words. Basically you married a girl who believes that you're not being there means her needs should be met even if by someone else. Does that seem right? She loves you when you're around. But the career you chose only affords you the best opportunities moving around! There's a big problem.

 

We have marines in my country who I have come to respect. What they do here is important and they are great guys. They have photos of their wives and kids, tell me about them all the time. It is like they are living to go back home. If any of their wives cheated, it would break their hearts. Here they are...doing their duty...missing their loves and still they don't cheat. What makes it okay for the wives to miss them so much they can replace them with someone else? Nothing.

 

Take the job, man. The problem isn't that you're away a lot. The problem is that your wife and you aren't on the same page when it comes to fidelity and love. Take the job. You don't have too many opportunities out there.

[Magnaus]

Magnaus,

 

I've been in the military. Never extended periods like you. But I've always been of the opinion that the military is not very conducive to married life.

 

Separation and distance from one another is never a good thing. Even marriages that manage to side-step affairs when someone is deployed often have problems when those marriages attempt to return to where they left off because one or both of the individuals has changed by that point.

 

I think your wife can be supportive of your dreams but is there a way to do this without having to physically leave her a second time?

 

You're right, many marriages do not survive even when affairs are not in the mix. But not once have I ever cheated on her during my time in the Navy. And I missed her too when I was gone. We wrote each other dozens of letters.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Believe me I've looked everywhere. Job boards, open interviews, you name it. There's just nothing out there.

 

I think the most hurtful part about this was that I got cheated on for simply following my heart, and doing something I was and still am passionate about. I loved him like a brother and he went after her and she let him....for a whole year.

 

Magnaus, I am sorry but if your heart goes out to doing such a dangerous job, then you might have to accept that you are not good husband material. It's extremely difficult to sustain a marriage if you are apart for such a long time. Did your wife know that this what the marriage would be like when she married you?

 

How can one be married to someone who is hardly ever there?

[Magnaus]

I've just accepted the offer guys. Luckily I have 3 weeks from now to start packing up and getting my essentials so that's plenty of time.

 

She left to go for a walk after listening to my conversation.

 

Oh well the deal is sealed. You know, maybe I should start walking around the house with an attitude and start giving her dirty looks since she likes to do it so much.

[The Blue Knight]

You're right, many marriages do not survive even when affairs are not in the mix. But not once have I ever cheated on her during my time in the Navy. And I missed her too when I was gone. We wrote each other dozens of letters.

 

That clearly makes you a better and a stronger person than your wife. As Pink pointed out, maybe in hindsight, your getting married would have been better after your desire to serve. But that can't be undone now.

[The Blue Knight]

I've just accepted the offer guys. Luckily I have 3 weeks from now to start packing up and getting my essentials so that's plenty of time.

 

She left to go for a walk after listening to my conversation.

 

Oh well the deal is sealed. You know, maybe I should start walking around the house with an attitude and start giving her dirty looks since she likes to do it so much.

 

This is private security work away from a Naval obligation I assume?

[Magnaus]

That clearly makes you a better and a stronger person than your wife. As Pink pointed out, maybe in hindsight, your getting married would have been better after your desire to serve. But that can't be undone now.

 

You're right, it cannot be undone. I'm just going to have to roll with the punches.

[Magnaus]

This is private security work away from a Naval obligation I assume?

 

Yes that is correct.

[PinkInTheLimo]

She left to go for a walk after listening to my conversation.

 

Oh well the deal is sealed. You know, maybe I should start walking around the house with an attitude and start giving her dirty looks since she likes to do it so much.

 

Are you sure you did not accept the offer to punish her?

 

Sorry but there does not speak a lot of love for your wife from what you write here.

 

Has it ever occurred to you that you don't have a lot to give to any woman? What woman wants to be married to a guy who does not want to spend time with her?

[PinkInTheLimo]

That clearly makes you a better and a stronger person than your wife. As Pink pointed out, maybe in hindsight, your getting married would have been better after your desire to serve. But that can't be undone now.

 

TheBlueKnight, I don't agree. Seen the last remark he made about his wife, this man clearly has a mean streak. I think his wife must have felt very abandoned the first time he left, and it will even be worse now. I hope she realises that this man does not make a good husband. He prefers to put himself in danger rather than stay with his wife .

[maybealone]

But not once have I ever cheated on her during my time in the Navy.

 

She might feel differently, she might feel like the Navy is your mistress. It's something in your life that is more important than she is. And while people tend to think of "not cheating" as being the epitome of upholding marriage vows, there are a heck of a lot of other commitments in there.

[Magnaus]

Are you sure you did not accept the offer to punish her?

 

Sorry but there does not speak a lot of love for your wife from what you write here.

 

Has it ever occurred to you that you don't have a lot to give to any woman? What woman wants to be married to a guy who does not want to spend time with her?

 

I did not accept the offer to punish her. I accepted it because I want to get my career back on track. Ever since we were together I've done nothing but love her. While I appreciate your advice, I think that's pretty insulting for you to imply I'm not a good husband or a good guy to be around just because I chose to take another job. I won't be a jobless man just because my wife wants me to.

[Magnaus]

TheBlueKnight, I don't agree. Seen the last remark he made about his wife, this man clearly has a mean streak. I think his wife must have felt very abandoned the first time he left, and it will even be worse now. I hope she realises that this man does not make a good husband. He prefers to put himself in danger rather than stay with his wife .

 

I don't have a mean streak. On a normal day, I'm quite calm to be around, but that doesn't mean her feelings take precedence over mine or I'm supposed to be unfeeling and just submit to what she wants me to do, whenever she wants. It's bad enough that infidelity has tainted our marriage. Why is it wrong for me to do what I want professionally?

[Magnaus]

She might feel differently, she might feel like the Navy is your mistress. It's something in your life that is more important than she is. And while people tend to think of "not cheating" as being the epitome of upholding marriage vows, there are a heck of a lot of other commitments in there.

 

I never said it was more important in my life than she is. What I don't understand is how is me taking a job, equates to me not loving her? It seems you're only taking her side instead of taking into account my feelings in the situation.

[Black Jack]

She might feel differently, she might feel like the Navy is your mistress.

 

Well if she feels that way then maybe she needs her own priorities checked, right?

 

It's something in your life that is more important than she is.

 

Of course she would feel that way since she shagged his friend for a year. What type of woman is that to be around, seriously?

 

And while people tend to think of "not cheating" as being the epitome of upholding marriage vows, there are a heck of a lot of other commitments in there.

 

Sure but infidelity is definitely at the top, and you can make a survey about it and it will be at least in the top 3 to most people. Besides we're not talking about "other commitments," this is a about a dedicated man who deserves someone who doesn't sleep with other men while he's out working. That's about as low as a cheater can get.

[frozensprouts]

I never said it was more important in my life than she is. What I don't understand is how is me taking a job, equates to me not loving her? It seems you're only taking her side instead of taking into account my feelings in the situation.

 

 

magnus, I'm not trying to be rude or not take your feelings into consideration...they certainly are valid, and you have been really hurt by someone ( two people, really) who you really trusted, and I know how much that can hurt...it's really horrible...

 

But please consider this...

 

what if you were offered a desk job( or really, any job that's NOT military/paramilitary) in your area so you could be with your wife everyday...would you take it? would you still be taking the new position even if your wife hadn't cheated on you?

 

If the answer is "no" to the first or yes to the second , then maybe you seriously need to look at whether or not marriage is what's best for you. It's got nothing to do with you loving/not loving your wife ( I know you love her a lot) or whether or not you have tried to do right by her, but some people just aren't cut out for married life...there is absolutely nothing wrong in that...if that is who you are, it's who you are, and it's okay.

 

or...is it possible that you are taking this new job because it's really hard to stay and be with your wife right now? If that's the case, is leaving really what's best, or is staying and working things out the better choice ?

 

just some things for you to consider...you deserve to be happy, but if your wife doesn't want you to leave, and she will be unhappy, then you need to find some way to reconcile those two things, otherwise, neither of you will be happy in the long run

[Magnaus]

magnus, I'm not trying to be rude or not take your feelings into consideration...they certainly are valid, and you have been really hurt by someone ( two people, really) who you really trusted, and I know how much that can hurt...it's really horrible...

 

But please consider this...

 

what if you were offered a desk job( or really, any job that's NOT military/paramilitary) in your area so you could be with your wife everyday...would you take it? would you still be taking the new position even if your wife hadn't cheated on you?

 

If the answer is "no" to the first or yes to the second , then maybe you seriously need to look at whether or not marriage is what's best for you. It's got nothing to do with you loving/not loving your wife ( I know you love her a lot) or whether or not you have tried to do right by her, but some people just aren't cut out for married life...there is absolutely nothing wrong in that...if that is who you are, it's who you are, and it's okay.

 

or...is it possible that you are taking this new job because it's really hard to stay and be with your wife right now? If that's the case, is leaving really what's best, or is staying and working things out the better choice ?

 

just some things for you to consider...you deserve to be happy, but if your wife doesn't want you to leave, and she will be unhappy, then you need to find some way to reconcile those two things, otherwise, neither of you will be happy in the long run

 

I don't really have one answer for those questions. I think if there was no cheating involved, and I was offered a job where I could use my skill set to some degree and still see my wife everyday, I would've been up for it. But that's beside the fact. Why was it okay for me to put up with her day job but not mine? Why not the same for me? Oh right, because I'm just a military brat who knows nothing, just like she told me today. She even said that I will never hold a "real" job because I'm uneducated and all I know about is holding a weapon. To say that hurt is an understatement.

 

I'm pretty glad I took the offer. If this all I know how to do then so be it, but I definitely will see my lawyer before I leave the country. I'm tired of being with an unsupportive wife who calls me names and belittles me. My time will be better spent elsewhere.

 

To me I think it's pretty moot to say that I'm not cut out for married life just because I chose to serve in the military and take up a security position. I don't want to spend the rest of my days doing absolutely nothing, sitting around the house basically being a bum. I think I'd rather be with someone who appreciates what I can contribute to the table instead of being negative about it. I've been sitting around for too long. I wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't even really remorseful about sleeping around in our house while I was gone.

 

Oh well I was willing to stick it out for a while longer, but I see now it's time for divorce. Black Jack and the others are right, I do deserve better.

[lulu1985]

Bear with me here. I've never shared this with anyone. Not even my family. First let me start off with a short introduction. Been married to my wife for 5 years, together for 6, with no children. Life has blessed us well and all that good stuff. She got her dream job after college and I went off to study law, but the call of duty sounded my ears and I signed up, and was deployed for 2 years back in 2009. It was hard for me not being there every day but we talked when we could, and I missed her a lot. Definitely one of the most difficult years of my life. Got an honorable discharge, came home and was excited to see her.

 

When I got home we had incredible sex of course. Hung out with each other late at night. The second day I was home and we were eating breakfast she confessed that she had affair with my (former) best friend for a whole year. I flipped out and destroyed half the house. As a result, I was arrested and held for a while, slapped with a minor charge and court ordered to take anger management classes. Luckily I was allowed to go home, but I decided to separate from her for 3 months. During the time both him and her called me a lot but I wished to speak to none of them. After separation we talked and "made up," and I ended up going back home.

 

We went to marital counseling for 2 months and I was not really satisfied with it, but stuck to it because I still loved her. She has made a lot of changes since this whole ordeal, I'll give her that, but it just doesn't feel the same anymore. Everything feels out of place, like it doesn't belong.

 

And to top it off I was contacted by a reputable private security firm last Friday, and I have until Thursday to respond on whether I want to accept a position they're offering. The pay is really well and I get to train and meet with other operators from around the world. The only drawback is that I will most likely have to relocate, since it's not based in the U.S., and I honestly don't want to have to spend a lot of money traveling and worrying if my wife is going to cheat on me or not since I will be gone for a very long time. She's changed a lot but I think I would be a fool to say that I have the same level of trust I had with her years ago.

 

Basically what I'm saying is, I don't think I want to be married to my wife anymore. I feel like I've been dragged down by this marriage and I've been unemployed ever since I was discharged, and I've only worked a few part-time jobs. I feel like this proposition could help reboot my career and at the same time I can do what I always liked doing. My wife knows I'm seriously considering this and I don't think she's too happy about it. Would I be wrong for taking this job and leaving her? Part of me wants to and part of me doesn't.

 

I'm sorry if I'm ranting too much. I just needed to get this off my chest.

I will say this...do what you feel is right and that things always unfold as they should...maybe this job was a catalyst for you to start the next chapter of your life.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I don't have a mean streak. On a normal day, I'm quite calm to be around, but that doesn't mean her feelings take precedence over mine or I'm supposed to be unfeeling and just submit to what she wants me to do, whenever she wants. It's bad enough that infidelity has tainted our marriage. Why is it wrong for me to do what I want professionally?

 

Djeezes man, with this attitude it is clear that you are not husband material. You have no empathy at all for her feelings, it's all about YOU YOU YOU. You are immature!

A relationship has to be a win-win situation in which BOTH partners can find fulfillment.

I don't condone cheating but either you reconcile or either you divorce. But staying with her and hanging on to your grudge is incredibly unfair. You have wasted her time because she has really done an effort to save your marriage but now she finds herself at the same point again: you being abroad in a dangerous job. Well you can be happy coz now you got back at her.

I hope for her she finds someone who really loves her...

[NeverDated]

I don't really have one answer for those questions. I think if there was no cheating involved, and I was offered a job where I could use my skill set to some degree and still see my wife everyday, I would've been up for it. But that's beside the fact. Why was it okay for me to put up with her day job but not mine? Why not the same for me? Oh right, because I'm just a military brat who knows nothing, just like she told me today. She even said that I will never hold a "real" job because I'm uneducated and all I know about is holding a weapon. To say that hurt is an understatement.

 

I'm pretty glad I took the offer. If this all I know how to do then so be it, but I definitely will see my lawyer before I leave the country. I'm tired of being with an unsupportive wife who calls me names and belittles me. My time will be better spent elsewhere.

 

To me I think it's pretty moot to say that I'm not cut out for married life just because I chose to serve in the military and take up a security position. I don't want to spend the rest of my days doing absolutely nothing, sitting around the house basically being a bum. I think I'd rather be with someone who appreciates what I can contribute to the table instead of being negative about it. I've been sitting around for too long. I wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't even really remorseful about sleeping around in our house while I was gone.

 

Oh well I was willing to stick it out for a while longer, but I see now it's time for divorce. Black Jack and the others are right, I do deserve better.

I just read the thread and am very happy you took the position. Coming from a career military family, and seeing how it has destroyed marriages of cousins/uncles, etc., it is not an easy undertaking. Not all women are cut out to be military wives - it's best to be military and find someone, than vice versa. Your wife seemed to think that, perhaps, she was able to take on the task. Well, now you know she isn't, and expecting her to be is about as realistic as expecting you to remove the military from your make-up.

 

She is not a bad person and neither are you, you two are simply chasing goals that are entirely incompatible. I think it's unfair of other posters to accuse you of being selfish and placing your feelings over hers. You have a life goal, and since you have no children, there's no reason anything but that should come first. You don't owe it to your wife to give up your dreams, just like she doesn't owe it to you to enable them. Best of luck.